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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Why am I so insecure with him?

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Author Topic: Why am I so insecure with him?
sublime_15
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Okay even though I was advised not to date this guy in an earlier post I am. We've been dating since June and well things havent been so good. Ive gotten him fired from 2 jobs and hes going to court for alittle incident we had at a concert. I thought for sure he was going to dump me after all the crap and stress I've caused him but he didnt. Hes 27 so hes had alot of dating experience. I dont know how to say this but this is the first relationship i've ever had that i've had to question if he likes me or not. My past 2 other serious relationships we just fell in love right off the bat no questions asked, like puppy love. This I consider is the way a relationship is supposed to progress, but its driving me crazy!!! I'm being really insecure. I feel as if its justified. Heres a list:
1. Hes older than me so there is that stereotype that i'll most likely get cheated on.

2. My two other serious relationships; he went to the same school as me so i saw him every day. The other he lived right down the street from me. This guy lives 30min away, I have a job now and am super busy so I really dont know what hes up to.

3. I let my insecurites get to me; so while he was in the shower i went through his phone and found text messages from a few girls that I know he used to be with. The texts didnt point to cheating but I've been paranoid since, so i always check his messages when I get a chance, I want to stop but I dont want to be cheated on. He "swears on his mothers life" that he hasnt and I want to believe him.

4. Its really affected our relationship because I dont want things to get to serious if I'm being cheated on, see I've never been cheated on and I dont want to get hurt.

5. When we are together he is great and affectionate. But if I dont make an effort to ask to go to something or come over than we wont ever see each other. He never asks me out.

I hate being this insecure. I'm even turned off about it. Hehe. Seriously, how do I get over this. I have a great self esteem and am a very busy person so its not like I'm clingy or anything. I guess the problem is I'm falling for him and I'm not sure where he stands on the whole thing.


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sublime_15
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I just wanted to add that I dont take it overboard. I just want to know how to stop the nagging in the back of my head so we have start to have a solid relationship. I mean I dont call him all the time to see what hes doing or anything, but god i'm always thinking about it. With him its like I have to always have this affrimation that he cares about me. And you cant have a healthy relationship my asking all the time. "do you like me?" or "are you cheating on me"? I hope someone gets what i'm going through
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Heather
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Before anything else is said, let me ask you this: do you feel that in any way, this guy is doing you some sort of FAVOR by being with you in any respect, even without strong interest?

In other words, do you feel that, for whatever reason, you are done a favor by him (or anyone else) sticking by you?

Can I also ask how it is you justify violating his privacy? Or how you think doing so will prevent him in any way from cheating? After all, if he were to do so, you'd only be finding out after the fact, so it wouldn't keep you from being hurt, no?

(Might I also ask how it was *you* got him fired from his jobs and how you have him going into court?)


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Heather
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(Just one other small observation: I just spent some time going though your past post history and noticed some really obvious relationship paterns which pretty much belie your stating you do NOT have issues with esteem or clinging. Which also show quite a considerable pattern of setting yourself up with partners who you don't feel (and who well may not be) are fully invested in you or the relationship, who you can't really trust, etc but ALSO a pattern of YOU opting out or considering doing so for the next shiny thing which comes along with zero time for perspective.

I actually think going back through your own post history here yourself might be of a lot of value to you. Just hit the left of the three little icons at the top of your first post here, then search all posts, and look at your posts in the Relationships section. I earnestly think you may find it illuminating.

One other thing that struck me: sugar, someone living a half hour away is NORMAL and common, as is both parties being busy with their own lives much of the time. NO ONE can know what someone they are dating is up to 24/7, nor, really, should they. It's dating, not parenting. That isn't to say I question your doubts: after all, I was one of the people advising you not to date this guy in the first place, and to take some drun time to be by yourself, advice I'd still give you.)


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sublime_15
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No I dont think he is doing me a favor by being wtih me. We enjoy each others company thats why we are dating. I just thought that since we were already having problems it just wouldnt have worked out. I was just kind of indifferent about it because we had just started dating.

I know it was wrong to look through is phone but I wasnt going to be led on by someone who was cheating on me. (ive always been suspicious about girls dating older guys, i believe the stereotype but im willing to make an exception for him but im a bit unsure) I mean how else am I supposed to know if he is. I know it would be an after effect but I figured it would atleast let me dump him before I fell for him even more. I know its a serious trust issue but if i found out nothing was going on then I would be fine.

Well when we were working together, I finally got tired of hearing all the rumors that I told a few people about us, and it got to managment so they let him go. He was happy about it really, he said it would be better for us. Then he was working as a bartender and when he was done with his shift we were to meet up in the parking lot but instead I went inside (restuarant/bar) and his boss found out and they let him go. Earlier on we had went to a concert, I had been drinking (he did not supply I had purchased my own the whole night) as we were leaving he tapped the back end ofsomeones car (stop and go traffic) so naturally the cops came and he was arrested for endagerment and contributing for a minor, he had to spend the night in jail. Talk about guilt, he didnt even give me the drinks.


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sublime_15
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This relationship as taught me alot and thats part of the reason why I enjoy it, being with someone older he has given me alot of perspective on things. This is the first relationship that I've had that didnt mean seeing each other or speaking to each other all the time, I guess I'm just adjusting. I'm not used to having a boyfriend I only see for a few hours once a week. I've been able to find my own interests, like the internship i've started and i just have alot more time for myself. Maybe I just really need advice on how to adjust to this. With my last boyfriend he was over at my house everynight till i fell asleep so I KNEW he wasnt cheating on me, with him I dont, that paired with the fact that hes older and you know that stereotype has just got me a bit spooked
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Heather
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(Do take a look at those past posts, I really think it'd be helpful. I've always kept extensive jounrals, and in a similar way, I've found them very helpful for both identifying negative patterns and giving me a hand when I'm entering denialville.)

Per your first paragraph: you enjoy each other's company, but this early in dating, he never initiates seeing or talking to you?

And how else you're supposed to know is via TRUST. Trust, which can't possibly be built by snooping in someone's personal items. Trust which you can't build this way, or without accepting that in any relationship, hurt might happen to either party and you've got to be okay with that to a certain degree. Mind you, it;s not always worth it with just anyone, and that's where my concerns are with you, because in just a brief gloss over your previous posts, I'm not seeing you spending any time alone between relationships to have the perspective to really choose wisely and not simply just hook up serially with the next shiny new guy who comes along and seems this much better than the last one, even in spite of very obvious issues from the onset.

Per this last stuff, all I can really say here is a big UGH. You've both been taking risks here per laws, per well-being, etc. Why? And, one might ask oneself, why would a mature adult jeaporize his employment so recklessly? Are you aware that, for instance, this current court issue may keep him from fguture employment and residence? That isn't a guilt trip on you, it's simply something to think about: why would a smart, sane and mature adult even put himself in that position, have a minor with him drinking at all if he had his head screwed on right? Would YOU keep screwing up your life like that at his age for someone you were dating for a few months? Just think about it.


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Heather
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(And just FYI: you can have relationships with older people that are not romantic or sexual to glean lessons and make your way towards adulthood. In fact, in many cases, mentorship-type relationships are generally BEST when neither sexual nor romantic.

And I know I may sound like a nag: I just have this funny feeling that, for one, you're not going to look at your past patterns at all, which this fits too perfectly into, or really evaluate this clearly with YOUR well-being and autonomy in mind, rather than focusing on your insecurity per fixing a relationship to avoid being alone, rather than the deeper and more important reasons why it might keep showing up again and again for your own life, even without a partner.)


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sublime_15
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He does call me every night to talk about the day and say goodnight, and we text occasionally throughout the day if something funny happened. (I filled an antidepressent script, for a cat. HEHE.) But as far as going out I have to make up all the plans. Like he'll never say hey you wanna go to a movie. I have to say that. Its probably just because hes having finacial issues due to him switching jobs,and he feels bad when I pay for everything when we do go out. He really is a great guy but he doesnt have his stuff together right now.

I really dont jump relationships like you think. I mean when me and my first broke up I did go straight to the second guy I mean i was hurt, but our relationship, I hate to say this seemed just so fake, like i felt like i never really liked him and I was just using him because I was hurt. I know I was horrible for that. I was really out of that relationship before I even started dating this guy. I truely have feelings for this guy, but I do feel bad for what I did to the other.

Does this even start to make sense?

Can you explain to me what my pattern is? Sure I almost always have a boyfriend, but thats because I like to have someone there on more than a friend level. Its relaxing to me when I'm done with all my studying and working for the week to have someone there to focus on me, and i equally enjoy being able to do all the girlfriend type stuff for my guy.

[This message has been edited by sublime_15 (edited 09-13-2005).]


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Heather
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It makes sense, but I really, really ant you to spend some time with your old posts: lookat how you've said things like this before.

Moreover, look at what you've said right here: you are dating someone a decade older than you who YOU ARE PAYING FOR for casual dates. Darlin, that is WACKO. No adult his age should be unable to plit funds for simple dates and if he CANNOT, should have the maturity to say he cannot be dating right now.

No one his age with his head on right should be getting in this much trouble. In fact, you say you KNOW he doesn't have his stuff together, which given even you first post about this guy has been obvious and thus, was part of why you were advised to steer clear. No sane, mature adult puts their income in jeopardy for a date or a hookup. They just don't.

And you're not going to work out issues of trust and insecurity with someone who a) doesn't have their you-know-what even marginally together and b) you have only been dating for a couple months. Moreover, problems this early in the game are generally a clear indicator not to press forth with a given p[erson one is dating. In shoart, for some reasons, you keep missing all the signs of yucko in relationships until they're long undone, from what I can see and have read.

In fact, I'd posit that you don't have strong feelings about this guy, either: mind you, I could well be wrong, but based on your post history and what you've said, I'd posit you simply would rather be with ANYONE than be on your own. And that's a big problem, both for your own well-being AND for the quality of any relationship: even when someone really worth your while comes along, if you haven't given yourself the chance -- ALONE -- to resolve some of these issues -- you both may not even see a good relationship when one does show up, or you may blow it by projecting all the stuff from these lame ones unto it.

So: how about you take a break for a while, at the very least? Tell this guy right now you need a couple months to yourself to regroup. If this truly IS a good thing, it'll keep. If this guy truly is of any maturity or readiness for a relationship, he'll respect that, especially if you make clear that you have issues of your own to resolve first before you can possibly evaluate a relationships' quality or deal with it well (in fact, if you can't even fess up to him about the snopping, that's very telling that this is NOT a relationship of honesty and quality, even when fessing up sucks). If taking a break sounds nightmarish -- even though you're paying his way, his living wage and daily life is haphazard at best, and you don't trust him at all or feel secure in this -- it's seriously time to look at WHY.

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Heather
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quote:
Can you explain to me what my pattern is? Sure I almost always have a boyfriend, but thats because I like to have someone there on more than a friend level. Its relaxing to me when I'm done with all my studying and working for the week to have someone there to focus on me, and i equally enjoy being able to do all the girlfriend type stuff for my guy.

Have you looked at any of those posts?

Because actually, what it is is that you always have a boyfriend and one you ARE NOT HAPPY WITH, feel insecure about, etc. This guy, for instance, mere months ago "treated you like a queen." I'm not sure how a jobless near-30 dude due in court can even do that. In short, it's pretty clear you just aren't seeing things clearly.

You know, do you really have a few good friends? Really? (And have you talked to any of THEM abut this? Friends are great for helpng to find persepctive.) Friends can focus on you too, and you on them, but without all this insecurity and drama you seem to experience with romantic/sexual relationships. I just came home from my at-least-weekly sidewalk-cafe wine night with my best friend, for instance. I also just got back from a fantastic week and a half away with my much-cherished partner. And you know, neither is replaceable, and neither is more important than the other. I enjoy both being a partner AND being a close friend, and there are things I do for all the types of people in my life, which are all equally enriching. Mind you, I'm 35-years-old and have paid my dues, to say the least.

But in doing so, and in doing the kind of work I've done here for seven years, I have watched serial monogamy like this be the bane of a LOT of girls' existences (and hey: I'm not guiltless either, I've had my own periods of it at times) and know too well how many young women really screw themselves with dead-end relationships because they're either afraid to be alone, or because it's easier to foster a relationship with sex than it is friendships, even if it ultimately leaves them feeling less fulfilled and more insecure.


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sublime_15
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First relationship I was extremely happy with. We broke up and thats really where this all started, I'm constantly looking for something even remotly close to what I felt with him. Ironically we speak more that hes moved to Boston for college, infact im talking to him on AIM right now For awhile I was happy with mike but I always longed for more, i mean thats normal right. But now I found someone that I like back,nothing wrong with that either.

Honestly would you rather be with someone you have feelings for and treats you decent, sure we dont go out to dinners as much but neither did i or my first boyfriend. Than someone you dont care for but treats you "like a queen" i guess all the gifts and food compensated for the fact i had no feelings for him.


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Heather
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Thing is, you didn't come here asking about this because everything is hunky-dory.

You came here with a large litany of (valid) issues and problems, assuming they MUST all be about YOUR issues, and not about the relationship, and that's a pretty odd leap, given the situation.

I don't see you even willing to entertain the idea they're not OR to take some time away, on your own, sans any boyfriend, to explore them and find out what they ARE about.

And flatly, that doesn't leave much for us to help with, save to feed you a line and say yes, this is all about you and your silly insecurity, this guy is a keeper, fix your stuff, girl! And that'd be a big pile of hooey, given all the information you've given us and the things you HAVE expressed in this post and others.

So, I'm left wondering what the heck it is you wanted to hear -- because it's sounding like there's something -- and why, especially given you've dismissed other advice given to you before. That may sound defeatist, but honestly, with so many doors so tightly shut and you unwilling to entertain suggestions made or even really discuss them (or answer questions asked -- like about considering a break on your own, like about any platonic friendships you have, etc.), that's where I'm left, anyhow.

Perhaps someone else will have something different to offer, but at this point, I'm all out of help to give.

(And just FYI? It was THIS guy you said "treated you like a queen." Not the guy before him. And me? I'd rather be with someone when the time is right for it, who's got their own life together -- especially if they've got ten years on me -- and I mine, who I BOTH have feelings for and who contributes equally to the relationship in basic ways. It shouldn't be an either/or sitch, and it doesn't have to be if one is generally willing to be without a serious/monogamous partner at times until the really-right stuff comes along.)


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