Let's say my girlfriend and I of nearly two years are sexually active, and of a legal age to be so.
What justification exists for her father to overprotectively stop her from seeing me in any situation which he feels might be conducive to us doing anything sexual (eg. either of us sleeping over at the other's house)?
Furthermore; what is the best course of action for the said situation, the details are as follows:
She is an adopted 17 year old, with a 12 yaer old brother (also adopted). The family is from South Africa, though the mother is from Australia. I am a 16 year old from Australia (slightly more than 1 years difference between us). The mother is vaguely aware we are already sexually active, but does not believe the father knows. The mother believes the father's fears stem from his own experiences, one of which involved, at our age, two of his best friends having sex (and getting pregnant) on his parent's dining room table (interestingly they kept the baby and wound up being extremely nice, contributing members of society...). Jacqui (my girlfriend) is unwilling to broach the topic (or any sexual topic) with him for fear of him not allowing us to see each other anymore. The age of consent here is 16.
Essentially I'm posting this in relationships because at the end of the day, I need a solution to a social engineering problem, which is, furthermore, straining my relationship with my girlfriend. The lack of trust on his part is somewhat insulting, and at times, extremely inconvienient (he called during my year 10 formal (Junior Prom) to tell me he'd decided I couldn't stay over thenight and that I should arrange transport home from the other side of the city).
Short of killing him, what can be done to help bring him around to a more liberal stance towards his daughter and I spending more time together (hopefully in more comfortable situations than we are in the habit of being in at the moment).
So. A little help please?
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Posts: 10 | From: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia | Registered: Aug 2005
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Truthfully, other than sitting down and talking to him and explaining your situation (that you just want him to trust you both to be responsible together) there IS NOT anything you can do.
While you may legally be of the age to consent to having sex, you are still both minors. Any rules your girlfriend's father places on her she should respect, because she's still a minor living under his roof. That's just the way it works for children living in their parents' house; the parents' rules go and there's little anyone can do about it other than working out a compromise, and still that's the parents altering their own rules how they see fit.
You may suggest to your girlfriend to talk to her mother, first, about the issue, if she'd be more comfortable with that, and seeing if her mother could help her approach her father. Though be careful about going down that route because you don't want her trying to play her parents against one another ("But mom says..." etc.)
So really see if you can work things out verbally now; try to show him you are capable of sitting down and holding an adult discusion, etc. But other than that I'm afraid you're just facing one of the difficulties of having a relationship as a teen, sorry.
I agree with daili. All you can try is to talk to him. If nothing else, at least it will give you insight as to where he is coming from. Since she is still a minor, legally she is under her parents' control and rules. Wait it out.
Posts: 213 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2003
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We can't really tell you how he's bound to react to you speaking to him, or to his daughetr speaking to mih for that matter; we aren't him.
If you're over at their house at somepoint you could try something like:
"Sir, may I speak to you seriously for a moment?"
And then explain to him how you feel about his daughter "I care about her very much, etc." but also be sure to explain you know HE IS IN CHARGE and what he says goes. Let him know you understand that she is his daughter and you know what's best for her and you respect that, but you hope he will accept you more in his daughter's life and that he will trust you both to make responsible decisions.
Also? I highly suggest you don't even mention the two of you spending the night at eachother's houses. At all. That's just pushing the line; wait for it to come. My parents are INCREDIBLY liberal when it comes to my boyfriend and I, closed doors when he was over were okay; as long as I told them I was out with him and where I was going they didn't really care how late I stayed out; both of my parents are at work all day and he coudl be at either house while they were gone, etc.
Still, when it came down to it, while they would extend curfew sometimes, they did not want me spending the night with him (he lives on his own). (This was before I was 18; now my mom is a little more lenient with it)
So in that respect, you may have to wait til you're both legal adults and she is NOT living under his roof to make that decision or not.
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