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Author Topic: Long-distance relationship advice...
Rica
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Member # 24777

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My boyfriend and I have had a long-distance relationship for about a year and a half now since I moved.
I know this kind of relationship is very difficult, and in most case scenarios, they usually donít work out.
We are both trying to be optimistic about the situation and we still visit one another every so often.
When we are with one another everything is fine. But itís the time apart that is the most difficult to deal with. Weíve agreed for a certain time that I should call him and I try to call every night (at his request).
But lately what I noticed has been happening is that whenever I call to talk with him, he doesnít seem engaged in the conversation. Iíll ask him something and he wonít hear it or he just wonít answer. But whenever a friend of his calls him while Iím talking to him, heíll just immediately switch onto the other line and have me waiting on hold for him, even though he asked me to call. Itís really getting annoying when he does that, because its really inconsiderate. Iíve talked to him about that, but he gives the impression of just brushing off what I say. Sometimes he apologizes, but then he continues to do it. Other times when he says he will call he says he forgets to. And after waiting for an hour for him to call (there is a time difference on when we try to call), I no longer feel like talking to him, because Iím upset.
Iíve asked some friends about it and they agree that its rude when he does that. Theyíve suggested that I talk to him about it, and I have--multiple times. Iím trying not to over-react to anything, but Iím beginning to wonder if maybe heís trying to tell me something. Perhaps he wants his space. Iím not really sure. Or maybe Iím just boring him. ^^() Whatever it is, he isnít being very straightforward about it and I donít want to badger him with questions on what the problem is. So what should I do?
Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
windycityskacore
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Member # 19031

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Hey Rica...

To be honest, I don't think he's encoding some message to you in his "lack of interest" and I don't think he's hinting anything to you...it sounds to me that he might be genuinely losing interest...to me, this sounds like classic "lack/loss of interest syndrome..." whether or not he's actually conscious of displaying this side to you...

That's probably the insensitive and un-tactful way of putting it, but long distance relationships can be hard...I've made the effort once or twice as well and even my plain ol' friendships haven't worked so well. In truth, it seems natural for people to move on with their immediate lives when another moves away--many could care less about the ones that are going on elsewhere...so, even though this might mean he is losing interest in this relationship, think of it as him being more concerned with the things that are physically closer to him, not as being uninsteresting in your relationship...

The "good news" is that you've recognized this and that you're not being overly naive about it...you also know that you deserve a stronger relationship...as in, one that isn't based on phone-calls where the other is being unreceptive. In other words, if you get the sense that he is moving on then maybe you should consider it too.

I think your friends have it right; it IS rude that he seems non-responsive and prefers putting you on hold when a friend comes along...in my opinion (which you can certainly choose to ignore) you have a choice to make: either stay teathered to this guy, who is physically and emotionally at a great distance away, or you can keep him as a long-distance friend and hope for the best where you are...

Sorry that my advice seems a bit cruel or isn't what you are looking for...I guess I just haven't seen these kinds of relationships end really well (I've heard stories, but nobody I know, not even me, has had such luck...). I guess I can also see it be a heartbreaking experience if he does decide to break it off officially. Anyways...hope this sorta helps...

------------------
...or is that just me being naive
again?


Posts: 49 | From: Chillinois, USA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rica
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Member # 24777

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quote:
Originally posted by windycityskacore:
Hey Rica...

To be honest, I don't think he's encoding some message to you in his "lack of interest" and I don't think he's hinting anything to you...it sounds to me that he might be genuinely losing interest...to me, this sounds like classic "lack/loss of interest syndrome..." whether or not he's actually conscious of displaying this side to you...

That's probably the insensitive and un-tactful way of putting it, but long distance relationships can be hard...I've made the effort once or twice as well and even my plain ol' friendships haven't worked so well. In truth, it seems natural for people to move on with their immediate lives when another moves away--many could care less about the ones that are going on elsewhere...so, even though this might mean he is losing interest in this relationship, think of it as him being more concerned with the things that are [b]physically closer to him, not as being uninsteresting in your relationship...

The "good news" is that you've recognized this and that you're not being overly naive about it...you also know that you deserve a stronger relationship...as in, one that isn't based on phone-calls where the other is being unreceptive. In other words, if you get the sense that he is moving on then maybe you should consider it too.

I think your friends have it right; it IS rude that he seems non-responsive and prefers putting you on hold when a friend comes along...in my opinion (which you can certainly choose to ignore) you have a choice to make: either stay teathered to this guy, who is physically and emotionally at a great distance away, or you can keep him as a long-distance friend and hope for the best where you are...

Sorry that my advice seems a bit cruel or isn't what you are looking for...I guess I just haven't seen these kinds of relationships end really well (I've heard stories, but nobody I know, not even me, has had such luck...). I guess I can also see it be a heartbreaking experience if he does decide to break it off officially. Anyways...hope this sorta helps...

[/B]


Thanks so much for the advice. It was helpful. I know I failed to mention this but there are times when my boyfriend actually IS receptive to what Iím saying and we have wonderful conversation. Itís just that the times when we donít, it gets a little aggravating. I know I have the choice of either continuing a long-distance relationship (which is never easy), or calling it quits, but I really love my boyfriend. I love him enough to wait until we are together again (which will hopefully be soon, weíre still working things out). Is that too unrealistic? I know, most of my friends would probably say so, but they have never been in a relationship that was long-distance, so I donít know if they would fully understand where I am coming from.
Thatís not to say that Iím a masochist and enjoy being shafted when my bf talks on the phone with his friends, but I really think it is worth sticking around to be with someone that I do care about. Hmm, I donít really know. What I have been doing is, when things like that do happen I tell him that even though I am annoyed, Iíll call him another time. He seems to take it well, I just try not to obsess about it too much. I just really wanted someoneís advice from their point of view.
Thank though. Youíre help is most appreciated.

------------------


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gubblebum
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Member # 15249

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It sounds like you're going a good thing, telling him that it bothers you and you will talk to him at another time. Perhaps you should try to talk to him at a time when he's being receptive. Ask him to tell you that he's busy and he will call you back at a better time if he's preoccupied when you call.
Posts: 213 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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