The reason I ask this is because I find it somewhat painful when I am not talking to my girlfriend sometimes. She loves me to death, probably more than I love her. She lives about 2 hours away from me so we dont get to see each other every weekend. Usually 3 times a month. We have only been going out for 2 months and she has already started saying she wants to live with me when I get my apartment in 2 to 3 years. I know that this is unrealistic. She knows this too. But my last relationship ended very abruptly. I was thrown away after a year with little to no explanation. I have been very cautious with my current girlfriend because of my past experiences. I know it is very unlikely that she would leave me anytime soon, but I am pretty paranoid about the whole thing.
About a 3 week ago, she was acting really weird around my friend and I. She later admitted to me that she had a slight crush on my friend. But she would wait for it to go away and it has. But that really freaked me out. On the way home I had an anxiety attack because I was so worried about it.
She's being a bit clingy. You need to tell her to slow down and that topics like living together are too big for you right now. It's only been two months and you still need to get to know each other. So just ask her to tone it down and anjoy being a new couple.
As for the anxiety attack, you need to chill out, too. People get crushes and they come and go. Instead of worrying about it in your head, you have to air out those issues right then and there when they arise. Sitting on the matter just makes the head spin.
I realize that it is unrealistic. She has dreams about us getting married and stuff. I know she can't help that though. But about the anxiety attack that I had, it was just a really alarming thing to me to hear that she had a crush on another guy. In all honesty, I can't see myself having a crush on another girl when I'm in a relationship with another.
EDIT: She called tonight and started crying because she was so happy. All her past boyfriends were either physically or emotionally abusive or both. I dont do any of that of course. Even the fact that I do my homework and care about school impresses her so much. No one around her gives her any motivation and she has had a really rough upbringing. This may contribute to the clingyness.
Any more advice? Ideas?
[This message has been edited by TI83Plus (edited 04-26-2005).]
i know where your gal is coming from. i was in a relationship with an abusive guy that i clung to for dear life, because even though he treated me like crap, i loved him. he was a loser who did no homework, never bathed, and treated me like a dog when all i did was shower him with love and smiles. we planned on getting married as soon as we were out of highschool. we were friends for 4 years and dated for 1 so we were really emotionally attached. the abuse she received as a child will make her even clingier. but you should take it as a compliment. she's been treated bad by parents and boyfriends, the very people who should have loved her very much, and now that she sees that you treat her with respect, it seems overwhelmingly good. she's being appreciative. i can relate. don't dump her for this though. that's what my guy did and it's incredibly hard to bear for someone that you loved so much and cared for with all of your being to reject you because you loved them so. but you should still talk it out with her. tell her you want to take it slower, that you are deeply interested in her and that someday you very well may get married, but that it's just too soon for major commitments yet. keep it reasonable and please try not to hurt her feelings. she'll be easily hurt. you've got to be delicate.
Posts: 9 | From: whittier, california, us | Registered: Feb 2005
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Yes. She is all caught up in the whole love thing right now. Im not as much just because I know what it is like. Ive been there. But I do love her so much. Ive never been treated nicer by any other partner. We seem to just "click". The main point of this thread was to see if there is such thing as being TOO in love. Because for her and even for me, we cant seem to get enough of each other even though we live far away. We talked for hours and hours on the phone every night. Im sure it will all die down soon enough though. I hope she doesn't mistake the relationship dying down as the relationship getting worse. Because all relationships settle. I just hope she will realize this.
Posts: 124 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2004
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There is too much of a good thing. When people get really cling and really wrapped up in a relationship, they tend to lose sight of other important things like SCHOOL (you'd be surprised how often grades start to slip when people start dating), work, FRIENDS ('cause she spends all her time with you, she might be neglecting her friends, and that's not cool). People's lives need balance. There is no balance if it's all about THE RELATIONSHIP. Not to mention if she's getting way ahead of herself, she's going to set herself up for a lot of disappointment if/when things end (as you know, these things can end pretty quickly).
And about abuse? WHOA. Definitely slow down. It's NOT a compliment when people become codependent (that's where she's headed, y'know). It's just plain unhealthy. It's bad that she's been abused, and it's bad that that abuse has affected her way of relating ot people. In this case, she's got an unhealthy fixtaion that probably has roots in fears of rejection and abandonment. She's going to pin all her hopes and happiness on you, and while that sound nice and romantic, it's not healthy for you to sohulder that much weight. She needs to learn to lighten up and be more emotionally self-sufficient. If she doesn't, she'll smother you, and in worse case-scenarios, she'll become very self-destructive (for example, it's big trouble if she ever says, "If I can't be with you, I'll kill myself.").
Yes, being showered with affection is sweet. I like it, too. But should help her stay balanced. She needs to have a life outide of being with you. Make sure she has plenty of outside time with herself and her pals.
I think what you say is very valid, Gumdrop Girl. I think the fact that we live 2 hours away from each other really helps us have lives outside of each other. We do both have friends and hang out with them.
In fact, my last relationship was too clingy. I have learned from that myself. I've told her that while I love her a lot, thinking that far into the future is unrealistic at this point. We both know this.
On a totally different note, is it bad if partners NEVER fight? I am not sure if I am really easy to get along with or tend to over analyze relationships so that no arguements occur, but in my last relationship, there were not any fights in the first 10 months of the relationship. And in my current relationship, so far 2 months, we have no fought. I know on the surface this sounds great, but would it be best to not always look so deeply into things? This way little arguements come up? I know this sounds crazy, but I know people who have done this just to have a little bit of drama in the relationship.
Personally, I do not agree with doing this. I am a genuinely nice person and I think doing what was mentioned above crosses the "playing games" line. But tell me what you guys think about it?
don't instigate an argument with your girlfriend. it just causes unnecessary stress.
I don't fight. I tend to be in long-term relationships, so fights do happen. But I don't seek them out. Some people naturally avoid conflict and confrontation. am one of them. And my relationships are just fine despite (or because of?) the very low number of spats that occur. In two years of dating one guy, I have had 2 fights. only one was big, and it resolved pretty quickly because we were able to air out our grievances in one sitting (he would not let me leave the table till I said everything that was bugging me).
So don't pick a fight. if things are happy, let them be.
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