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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he won't say "i love you"

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Author Topic: he won't say "i love you"
southernbelle87
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Member # 20508

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My boyfriend and I have been dating about three months and I really feel that I love him. First off, I guess I should explain what I think love is: simply put, having a strong natural connection and unconditional caring for someone (not quite at the point of wanting to marry or being "in love")--you can love a friend the same way minus the romantic aspect. From his gestures, I'm led to beleive that he feels the same way that I do, but he has not actually come out and said "i love you" to me, as of yet. He was never really in a committed relationship before, previously he had just been with girls that he "messed around" with, and I'm wondering if his not expressing that he loves me could reflect a committment issue? The fact that his feelings are obvious to me through the things that he says and does is sufficient for me, don't get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt or confuse me when he doesn't tell me he loves me. I guess it worries me because there may be a reason why he won't say it. I've tried to respect that my boyfriend is more of a "casual relationship" sort of guy, but sometimes I can't help that I'm a "serious relationship" kind of girl. This is definitely not something I would want to break up over, just something I would like to be put at ease about. If anyone could give me advice on this I would really appreciate it, thanks!
Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
girly girl
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I've dated my fair share of guys in my 19 years. i've found that the sooner in a relationship the guy says he loves you, the less he actually means it. (sorry, my cynical side is coming through...)

most guys don't understand what love is, at least not younger guys. most girls don't understand what love is either. and yes, it is possible to love someone very soon into a relationship (ie, 3 months), but it is more "puppy love" than real love. you can not love someone without being "in love" with them. you can be infatuated with someone, you can lust after someone, you can really care about someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean you love them. love comes with time, patience, and over-coming problems in the relationship and appreciating the other person for who they are, and everything they stand for and value.

a poem, that, at least in my opinion, sums up fairly well what love is....

"true love is pure, clear, free. unfraught with the weight of commitment, yet overflowing with the willingness to give all one has to offer. it's the ability to warm a persons' heart with so much as a simple smile, hug, or glance. the ability to hurt someone, more deeply then is conceivably possible with a mere turn of the shoulder. to scar their soul forever. love is stronger and more powerful than worlds combined. tred carefully about the heart, for it is nothing meant to be played with."

he may care about you, he may really like you, but give him time. he will tell you when he's ready to tell you.

[This message has been edited by girly girl (edited 12-06-2004).]


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celery
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Maybe he feels that saying 'I love you' is not something to be thrown around. I feel that way. I don't think you should say it unless you mean it. I dated someone for 3 months and I felt I was in love, but even though he said it to me I never said it back, because for one I didn't beleive that he meant it, and I wasn't going to say it back just because he did.

So maybe your boyfriend just isn't comfortable with saying it. You shouldn't really take it as a big deal, if he wants to say it he will, if not, then well it should be that big of a deal right now, I mean you have only been dating for 3 months.


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domncroxd
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quote:
Originally posted by celery:
Maybe he feels that saying 'I love you' is not something to be thrown around. I feel that way. I don't think you should say it unless you mean it. I dated someone for 3 months and I felt I was in love, but even though he said it to me I never said it back, because for one I didn't beleive that he meant it, and I wasn't going to say it back just because he did.

So maybe your boyfriend just isn't comfortable with saying it. You shouldn't really take it as a big deal, if he wants to say it he will, if not, then well it should be that big of a deal right now, I mean you have only been dating for 3 months.


i don't know if my reply's relevant, but here goes anyway:
my current boyfriend asked me out twice (the first time didn't work out) and when i agreed to go out with him the 2nd time i told him that i could not have feelings for him. i kinda felt sorry for him because he really loved me and all that, and besides, i was his best friend, so i thought, why not? he always said 'i love you', but i never did. gradually though, i realized that i was reciprocating his feelings and that i really loved him, and it took me 5 months into the relationship to say it...about 1.5 months after i realized that i loved him. i guess i didn't want to be stuck in a position where if i said 'i love you' to him, he would be really possessive, etc etc. but i had nothing to fear anyway, and he realized that it just took time. i guess i wanted to make sure that the feelings were sincere as well, as what celery said.

so, it's just a matter of time. in the meantime, show that you still love him, and be patient. =)


Posts: 53 | From: Melbourne, Australi | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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You know, you could always ask him about it.

I'm not suggesting you shake him and scream, "Why won't you say you love me!?!" at the top of your lungs. Quite the opposite, in fact. There's nothing wrong with sitting down and discussing what you each feel that "love" is and how you feel about expressing that or about saying "I love you". That also gives you the opportunity to discuss where your relationship is right now in terms of committment.

If you are serious about this relationship and you want to make it work, communication is the only way to go. Sitting around stewing about what gestures mean or making inferences about what your partner may or may not mean by things is really not a good way to go about things. It can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings and problems. If you want to know what he's thinking or how he feels about something, just ask. And don't forget that it's also important for you to share too...tell him what's up with you and how you feel about things.

------------------
Sarah Liz
Scarleteen Sexpert (and Labia Lady)


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gubblebum
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In my current relationship, which I've been in for two and a half years, it took me a very long time to say "I love you". He said it to me numerous times and wanted me to say it, but I couldn't say it until I was sure I meant it, I didn't want to hurt him if it wasn't true.

My advice is talk to him, maybe he's had a bad experience in the past that makes him hesitant. If he's not ready yet, though, don't push it. It will make him more reluctant and might hurt both of you.

If you're truly in love, you two will be together a very long time, and that's a lot of time to say "I love you" so you shouldn't worry about it.


Posts: 213 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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