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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » pre- engagement??

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Author Topic: pre- engagement??
babydoll86
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i have been hearing this term a lot latelyy. i was wondering if any of you guys know what it means or what it entails or if there is such a thing. my understanding of it is that the couple is planning on getting married/engaged but they haven't made a formal announcement and he hasn't proposed formally w/ a ring and everything?? if i am wrong please clear this up for me. i thought one of you would know.. thanks a lot.
Posts: 131 | From: IL., US | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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this seemed really popular where i grew up, but pardon me if I seem cynical.

Pre-engagement refers to the practice of promising your significant other that when the time is right, you will ask his/her hand in marriage. Sometimes, they'll give the person a "promise ring" to symbolize the agreement.

But I don't really see a point in this. Maybe I'm just not seeing something, but engagement is not a time-bound commitment. You can be engaged indefinitely. So why not just be engaged for a really long time instead of getting "pre-engaged" then getting engaged and then getting married?

The couples I knew who had pre-engagements (and I started seeing the practice in 8th grade) seemed like they did it because they were too young to actually be engaged, but wanted some kind of serious commitment to show for it. Some of these girls got promise rings 3 or 4 months after they started going out. This is a really long time if you're in 8th grade, but geez, that was 10 years ago for me, and now i book appointments with people 3 or 4 months in advance. it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, the thing is, none of these couples I knew ever made it to real engagement. It could be different wherever you are, but my best friend got promise rings from two boyfriends, and neither of them ever got around to actually proposing to her.

So then, perhaps young couples need a better way to pledge their love and commitment to each other without the hassles of thinking really hard about marriage. How about instead of "pre-engagement", why not go back to the age-old practice of swapping class rings? Or exchange presents at your monthaversaries?

If you're serious about a pre-engagement, then why not just be serious about engagement? If you're not ready for marriage yet, then wait till you're financially, emotionally and/or socially steady before you walk the aisle. Nothing says you can't be betrothed for years andyears.

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[This message has been edited by Gumdrop Girl (edited 11-14-2004).]


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CMTFlovesHAH
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I got my 'promise ring' when I was a senior in high school (2002-2003.) It was a lovely $300 Franklin Mint 'Circle of Love' ring.

We just recently got engaged a little bit over a month and a half ago. It cost $2,400.

Usually, when your in high school you just don't have the money for an engagement ring. Also, it might have freaked my parents out if I was in high school and already engaged.

My Fiancé wanted to get me a beautiful engagement ring one day (and he did), but when we were in high school he didn't have the funds for it. He didn't want to give me a pawned, yellow, unclear ring (like many I saw in high school). That was the reason we didn't get engaged in high school. Plus, usually serious couples break up or separate at least once. We did. But we both grew, and now we love each other more than ever.

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"That'll put some marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!" - Buffybot

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


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TiffanyLynn
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i have a question for CMTFlovesHAH

how long were ya'll dating before you both decided to break up? why did ya'll break up in the first place? how long were ya'll broken up? and what made ya'll decide to get back together?


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CMTFlovesHAH
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TiffanyLynn

We were dating for a year and four months before we broke up. "We" did not break up. He broke up with me. The reason being he was nine months younger than me (less mature about somethings), he was going to go into the military and didn't think I could handle that kind of life, but most off all he was listening to what everyone else in his life was saying to him. They all really don't like me. He just wanted to make one big group of people happy. It was drilled into his head that this would be the best thing to do. He had always tried to make everyone else happy, but he had to learn that that is an impossible thing to do. You can never ever make everyone happy, and the best thing to do it to make yourself happy.
I was devastated. I felt like I had no one in the world to talk to. The people I did talk to were no help at all. All I got was the same response over and over again, "If it's meant to be, it will be." Well, ... that doesn't help this huge pain I am feeling right now. I knew we were supposed to be together. I also knew what people had been saying about me. Including his family, his friends, his JROTC unit, and at his job. They thought because I would do anything for him that I was a "psychotic bitch." For example, if he was sick and didn't have any medicine I would sneak out of my house and drive over to his house and give it to him. You do crazy, stupid things for the one you love. People who don't have that can't understand. I even when as far as to rack up a $70 bill on my Mom's credit card talking to an online psychic. I know it was stupid, but I needed someone to talk to. Someone to tell me it was going to be okay.
I had to move on. I had left him notes on his car while he was at work, I had tried to talk to him in person at his home. Nothing worked. He was a rock. I could tell in his eyes that it wanted to be with me, but at that time he thought that it would be better if we were apart and everyone else in his life was happy. I even met him after school one day.
I was unannounced, the JROTC people know my car, I could tell something was wrong because they were just starring at me in my car, but I still stayed in my car waiting for him. Then I had my heart torn out and a knife stuck into my back. He was (a month later) coming down the stairs holding hands with this other girl. I... was ... hurt. Right then I was furious. I got the heck out of my car and went over to him. EVERYONE backed up even the 300lbs girlfriend. I asked him what the hell was he doing. He thought one of my friends had told me about her, but no they didn't. I was yelling at him, and pushing him while I was crying. He yelled at me. I didn't know what to do. I got in my car and sped off. I parked on the side of the road crying I wanted to die. I called one of my friends and she came and got me. That was my darkest day ever. After that it was over. No longer did I try to get him back, another month went by.
Then one night I was on my computer his screen name came up on my buddy list. I had the urge to say something to him, but no I didn't. He said something to me. He told me to look on my sidewalk outside. I did. He had left my favorite flower and a note that simply said, Heather, I'm sorry. I fell down, and cried. I didn't know what to think. Should I be happy, should I be sad, or should I be mad? I went back to my computer and tried to pull it together. He asked if he could call me. I said yes. I told myself I was going to be hard on him. And I was.
We talked for about two hours that night. I did a lot of talking but I made sure he knew what an ass he had been and that this was not going to be easy to get over if it was even get-over-able.
I still talk about how he hurt me. I know now six months later I need to move on. In time I know I should. That was hurt, that was pain. Seeing the person you have shared your soul with, not to mention your virginity, to act like a monster. I would NEVER wish what I went though on my worst enemy.
It was a very hard thing to go though but with a lot of work, respect, and understanding (but not to much understanding on my part because he was a total ass)! He had to learn to do what made him happy. We got though it.
I still have people that hate me. I think they are jealous of what we have. They will have to deal with it. I still get nasty instant messages, and at the school football game a week ago, I had bitch written on my car window. This all just shows how immature they are. My fiancé and I are together, and we are happy, that's all that matters now. Our love was tested, and we came though it. We just had our 2 year anniversary last month!
Sorry to have took so long to answer, and sorry I wrote so much!

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"That'll put some marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!" - Buffybot

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

[This message has been edited by CMTFlovesHAH (edited 11-19-2004).]


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EverTheWild
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If you have that much resentment, maybe you should reconsider being engaged. I realize that you shared a lot with this man and don't want to lose him, but sometimes the one you really want can be really unhealthy. You should commit your life to someone you completely trust, and someone who doesn't make you so angry.

I at least hope you have a long engagement, to make sure that what happened that you just described is really okay with both of you.


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CMTFlovesHAH
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EverTheWild

It took a while for me to trust him again. That would be so for anyone in my position. People screw up, and yes I am still hurt by what happened and resent what happened, not resent him. No one is perfect and everyone screws up. I trust him with my life, with everything.

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"That'll put some marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!" - Buffybot

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


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Milke
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But this begs the question; do women become pre-engaged, engaged, and married to men because we like the men we're committing ourselves to, or because we like diamonds? The biggest, nicest, clearest stones didn't keep Britney or Liz Taylor married, so maybe it's worth considering the values we place on a rock, versus those we place on our personal relationships and long-term decisions.

True love may or may not be alive and well, but Bridezilla definitely is.

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Gasping, dying, but somehow still alive . . .


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DarkChild717
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It probably really depends on the person.

I know some people really would base it on the size of the diamond. Now, I appriciate fine jewelery. That is a trait that I learned from my mother and grandmother. But would I base my engagement on it? No.

I am not engaged. But I do wear a ring given to my by my SO. I could name things that I don't like about the ring itself. But it was a gift from the man I love to me. And because of that, I wear it with pride. Because of that fact, I wouldn't care if it was a pawn shop piece, an estate piece, or even a plastic ring from a 25 cent machine. It's the symbolism of the thing itself, not its worth.

Ironically, the only other "gift" I've recieved from him was a rose on our first Valentine's day. My ring looks like a gold-and-diamond rose, with 2 petals. Quite lovely. I think of him every time I look at it.


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CMTFlovesHAH
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I don't know, but I feel like you all might be saying that I am staying with my fiancé because of the ring(s) he gave me? It is the Internet and you can't really decipher how someone is trying to come across, but that is how I am feeling right now. I didn't make him buy me a ring or give it to me. I had known him for three years before we started dating. I love the ring he gave me, but I'd love him no matter what.

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"That'll put some marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!" - Buffybot

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


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Michelle Ravel
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It all seems so silly, doesn't it? I mean, what's next? Pre-pre-engagement?
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Djynnjah
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*shrug* We can't afford a ring so we consider ourselves unofficially engaged. He asked and everything, but there is no outward sign for everyone to see. We're in no rush to get married though, so the ring will come when it comes and the wedding always was 'ten years from now'.
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Frustrated
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My wedding ring was only $149!! But i got a husband whose worth a billion dollors more. It's been more than a year of our marriage.
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incubussug
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umm i need advice fast i got my girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring.i told my family and we talked and a thought!and i know i love her with all my heart. i have the ring but i know in my heart is right but alot of people her family and my family might not agree should i take it back to the jewelers and get her a promise ring instead i love the engegement ring i got for her i lovr her soo much i dont know what to do im going so crazy her b day is in 3 days thats when i wanted to put that ring on her finger but like i sais i thought and i know her parents will freak and i could be changeing future plans she has i mean college im scared nervous happy sad all of thoughs someone give me advice i read something some guy posted why even buy a pre engagement ring if you love the person and your serious about spending your whole life together just get an engagement ring i mean i want to be engaged to my nessa girl even though we might be engaged for a while. i mean until were situated in our lives iam not planing to get married like tomorrow maybe a year or two oh thats another question is that to long
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Gumdrop Girl
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inc., maybe this is old-fashioned, but I think it's a practical solution. have you talked to her, and her family about the possibility of getting married (some folks abide by the tradition of asking the parents' permission, and not abiding can be seen as an insult to the rest of the family)?

it's romantic to surprise your partner with the question, but there are MAJOR real-life issues to talk about. for one thing, have you ever discussed finances with her? how about both your stances on having children (if? when? how many?)? is religion an issue? and so forth.

there's no time-limit on being engaged. if you are sure that you want to marry her, you can ask her, knowing that it'll be a long while before you're ready for the big "I do."

but i'd strongly advise you discuss the long-term situations and serious issues first.

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incubussug
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yeah i know i should discuss everything but i been doing alot of talking but not with my g/f i really need to talk to her but i got the engagement ring and i wanted to propose on her b day that was my b day gift my my love's life gift that why i was thinking og just taking that ring back and getting a promise ring cause i know its not the right time to ask her to be enaged to her but i love that ring its her perfect ring i really dont want to take it back i saved for it for a while and i cant have both the engaement ring for later and the promise for now i just dont have enogh money to get that promise ring and i really feel i cant return her perfect ring
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logic_grrl
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Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't get what the ring has to do with it.

If you truly want to be engaged to your girlfriend, then the first thing you need to do is talk to her. If she agrees and you both want to make it "official" and be publicly engaged, then it may be time to talk to her family and see if you can get their approval.

As GumdropGirl's pointed out, there's no time limit on engagement - you can have a long engagement until she's got through college and you're both in a position to get married (assuming you're still together at that point - and I have to be honest and point out that many couples plan to get married but break up long before they get to that point).

If you both want to make an emotional commitment to get married, and have a ring (or rings) to symbolize that, then it doesn't matter whether you call it an engagement ring or pre-engagement or promise ring or whatever.

What does matter, however, is that she agrees. And until you talk to her about it, you're not going to know.

Having the perfect ring but not being able to have the sort of serious discussions with your partner that this sort of decision requires - that's not a set-up for a durable relationship.


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BiLLaBaBy017
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Me and my boyfriend have been going out 10 months, and he gave me a 'promise ring' the day before he left for Army boot camp, which was in September. We do plan on getting married, but not until he settles into his station (he went to boot camp for 4 months and then came back for Christmas break, then went back to boot camp to graduate, and his permanent living quarters will be in Kentucky). I wouldn't consider that a pre-engagement I don't think. To me it's just me promising him that I'll still be here when he comes back.. if that makes any sense at all. Ya we both have our problems, but we're working them out. I really don't want to move to the middle of nowhere in Kentucky, but I think that if I love him, I'll do anything for him, which is including moving down there with him and doing whatever I need to do to be with him. Is that so wrong? I don't think it's wrong. Lol, basically what I'm saying is that pre-engagement is silly I think. Either you're engaged or your not. A promise ring isn't a pre-engagement, but that's my opinion.
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gloworm
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incubussug:

this is just my opinion but i think that 6 months is a little early to be proposing an engagement. especially if you have not discussed the topic of engagement or marriage with your girlfriend. yes, engagement rings are often given as a surprise BUT in most cases, i would assume that the couple has discussed their future plans together and decided that they want to be married to each other. i'm not getting the impression that you and your girlfriend have had this discussion?

i know that you love the ring you bought her and i think that it is a very sweet gesture but i would suggest either holding onto the ring until you and your girlfriend discuss the prospect of marriage and work out the details as they interact with the other plans in your respective futures. OR give her the ring, but not as an engagement ring. give it as a symbol of your love for her or as a "promise ring" or whatever. i just think that if you give her an engagement ring and ask her to marry you at this point (even if you don't plan to marry for awhile), she may be freaked out having not discussed this with you already. or she may not. but i would just rather not put her in a position like that if she will be caught completely off guard without having the chance to process the proposal beforehand.

does this make sense? i have been with my boyfriend for three years and we have known each other for more than 10 years. we have discussed marriage and engagement and having a family someday many times in the past couple of years. we know that we do want to get married, we love each other and are committed to each other, and we want to start a family someday. we are not technically engaged yet because we both just graduated from college and are starting our careers. we want to be stable before we enter into a marriage situation. we know that an engagement will come soon but we are planning for it and our future marriage so that we will have the best chance possible.

also, i think an engagement ring, as someone else pointed out, is really just an outward symbol of your relationship and where you intend to go with it. my grandmother never had an engagement ring- many people don't.


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gubblebum
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I don't see anything wrong with a pre-engagement if it really means something. If the couples "promises" to each other but only does it because everyone else does it, then the promise doesn't really mean a whole lot.

But if they've been together for years and are just waiting for the right time to get formally engaged and move towards marriage, then what's wrong with it?


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xxbeachbaby
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hehe well I'm "pre-engaged"... it's just like saying you two are going to get married but maybe you're too young or other things are preventing you... and also I guess just to let people know you're in a serious relationship and not looking to date, just committed to that one person. I don't know I like it I feel like it just shows how much you love eachother and like its another step in your relationship Now if you're getting a promise ring from a parent its like making a promise to not have sex until you're married.
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