I have a big problem that is really tearing me apart. I've searched the forums also, and I just can't find an exact match to what I need...so I apologize if there is one and I haven't seen it.
I think I know the answer to the question I'm going to ask, but then I'm not exactly *sure*..which is why I'm posting here. You guys have always been very reliable and helpful. So here goes.
At the moment, my boyfriend of three years and I are living in an apartment with three of our friends. My boyfriend and I are always on and off with fights (I try my best to make sure it's not in front of our friends though unfortunately they probably catch little snippets). Mostly, it's about him disrespecting me or touching me whenever/wherever he wants. Sometimes the fights are about my absentmindedness or my naivete...but mostly it's about things I feel are out of my control. Lately, all of these things have added up and are making me lose my want for my boyfriend. In the first place, I'm beginning to think that the only thing that kept us together at the half-way mark was the fear of being alone. Sure, we have things in common...but most of them are things *I* have in common with him. There's hardly a time where I can show him something and he will have an interest. Still, we have to stay together, at least until we leave this apartment, or else it's back home to our parents and the one horse town they live in. We were very lucky to have amazing friends who were willing to house us for a while until we got on our feet. I've (though I'd like to say "we've") worked on our relationship for three years, and I'm not jumping out now.
THIS is my problem: One of the three dear friends we live with is an extrordinary person..that I think I like very very much. (Yeah, uh-oh) He's not very close to my boyfriend at all (like the other two are) which is why I thought I had a slight chance at first(no extreme attachments/awkwardness). But I just don't know. It's a complicated situation and I can see that it's incredibly risky. I am very sure that I like this person for all the right reasons. He's intelligent, funny, kind, thoughtful, and we have quite a bit in common. I think he might like me too, but that's just a guess (and maybe very wishful thinking..that's actually a very big part of my problem). He's very kind and he's pretty playful, so I really don't know if I can trust my instincts (my very wooed instincts) when they tell me that his guestures are 'I like you' flirting.
I understand that while I'm living in this apartment, I cannot *act* on my feelings..but isn't there some way I could at least, in private, tell him about my feelings? There are times when we are home alone, and I feel as though there is a thick tension in the room. It's almost as if we both want desperately to tell each other something but can't. Again, it could merely be my wishful thinking. That's what is tearing me up. I want to *know*. If there were a way to know without asking, I'd take that...but there isn't yet.
Since I'm still with my boyfriend, it's going to be extra awkward. If I did tell my friend, he would probably think that I was some sort of cheating witch who cared nothing about the feelings of her boyfriend.. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, which is why I wouldn't act on anything whilst still living here together. I just want to know.
I really like this guy. I know how hard it is to find someone like him, and now that I think I've found *that* amazing person, I hate the idea that I could possibly lose a chance with him. If my boyfriend and I finally leave the apartment, seperate, and I tell my friend, he may already have lost feelings for me. That's a possibility, isn't it? But if I tell him now, somehow, and he *knows*.. Wouldn't that change something?
I'm really sorry for rambling. I just wrote what I felt needed to be said in order to feel a tiny bit of how I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused, hurt at my boyfriend's actions, and enamored with my friend's gorgeous personality that I can't think straight. I just need someone to tell me something rational.
Well, in my opinion I think that it's best if you tell your b/f about the things that are going on. If you think that he might like you, then you should ask him it wouldn't kill you. If you think that this "crush" isn't worth losing your b/f over then you decide. Hope I helped.
I think that before you focus on whether or not you might even have a chance with this guy, you should focus on this issues with your boyfriend. Do you feel that everytime you try to fix things it just goes backwards again or worse? If you feel that your relationship isn't working maybe you should talk about it with your boyfriend. Do you love him anymore? Maybe once you have a mutual discussion you might find that the best thing for both of you is to break up. Or perhaps have a break to work out your differences. I've found that the most important part of a relationship is communication!
It also sounds like you are very eager for a boyfriend because the prospect of not getting this 'other' guy is disturbing you. And it also sounds like if you dont have a chance with him, you will stay with your current boyfriend. Think about what is right for you at the moment. i think that is you do break up with your current boyfriend, and this guy is indeed interested in you, he's not going to give up on you. He'll see the open oppurtunity and wait for the right time. That's what usually happens anyway.
Three years is a long time. In fact, two good friends of mine broke up today and they have been together for three years. But they just kept arguing, and although they may make-up for a short time, these differences ultimately caused a lot of pain for each of them. So they broke up. Sometimes it takes years to realise that maybe the relationship won't work. Or maybe one of the partners have changed.
Uf you think the only thing that kept you guys together was the prospect of being 'alone', then i firmly encourage you to sit down and think about the relationship you are in. Do you see it going somewhere? With each of you being happy?
If you are letting your housing concerns get in the way of whether you think you should stay together or not, don't. But yourself first. If worse comes to worse, contact your other friends and see if they can help you out. Something will come up, but dont stay with him if you don't want to.
Personally, I think you shouldn't mention anything to this guy you like about your feelings until after you and your boyfriend break (if you do) just so you can see how he reacts to the whole situation. But then again, this is up to you. If you told him while you were still with your boyfriend, it could make the situation awkward (just as you said).
quote:If I finally leave the apartment, seperate, and I tell my friend, he may already have lost feelings for me. That's a possibility, isn't it? But if I tell him now, somehow, and he *knows*.. Wouldn't that change something?
There are a lot of 'what if?'s in life. I don't think it would change much if you told him now then if you told him later. Because things could progress from there afterwards once he has that knowledge.
Thank you both very much. Your words have helped me greatly.
I almost broke it off with my boyfriend, but his pain is too much. I can't do it, no matter how hard I try. His hurting coupled with the fact of having to go back home and start all over again is way too much to chew on. I've stayed with it for 3 years, I think I can stay at least until our financial status is good enough for us to live on our own. That's what married couples who don't get along do isn't it? One can't just leave if they don't have the money to do so. Unless of course they want to live in a cardboard box. So, that's my mentality. It's been better lately between he and I anyway, so hopefully it will stay moderately ok until I can save up enough money and live on my own. Or..maybe we'll stay together and I deserve all this agony. Seriously, I was much too naive and self concious in the beginning of our relationship. I should've grown a spine before we got too far. I can't have the person I want to be with anyway. I don't deserve him, and he probably really doesn't like me the way I like him. I like our friendship, and so I'll just build on that and try gently to push away my other feelings. I'll be sad for a bit, but I'll get over it.
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