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anglebabygirl
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I'm so sorry to post this again but I haven't gotten any feedback from my post and it has been a few days. I might have posted it in the wrong form.

I work in the pharmacy department and I have to go to the nursing floors. There is this male nurse that has always talked to me and was friendly to me.

But recently he has been touching and complimentling me. He has never done till he found out my age(21). He has been giving me hugs where no one can see us when he says hi to me and has been saying you look pretty or pretty in pink. He also went over to me leaning really close to my right side and put the side of his head to mine and whispered shes so cute. Then the next day he said hows that cute pharmacy tech. He has been noticing that I have gotten new scrubs wheich he has never done before.

He will also pat the small of my back when passing me from behind. Yesterday when I was refilling the med machine my back was towards him but I looked out of the coner of my eye and he was staring at me with this spacey look on his face and when I went to reach for something his eyes went to my butt for almost a minuet.

The thing is he is much older than me. He is almost 40. Dose he like me or is he just being friendly? The thing that I find strange is that he never did any of this to me till he knew my age. I look much younger than I really am. What should I do about the hugging, touching, and complimenting? I'm not uncomfortable about with it I just don't know want to get fired for the way he is acting toward me. From all the attention I'm getting a crush towards him. Should I pursure him? I'm really confused about the whole situation. Thanks

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JamsessionVT
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No matter what forum you post in, you'll usually get a reply, or the post will be moved to the appropriate forum. Not to mention that one of the guidelines is not to double post, so sit back and relax. It can take a week for some posts to get answered, and some don't get answered at all. There's not much to worry about, here
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anglebabygirl
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Will somebody please respond. I need advice. Thankyou
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coolestdesignz
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Sounds like he "likes" you.

I would be very careful. You are about 1/2 his age. Maybe he just wants a girl who is young and pretty. After all, it's very likely that a 40yo guy wants a nice 21yo girl. Personally I would stay far, far, far away. The age gap seems a little bit wide here.


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anglebabygirl
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Why should I stay far away from him. What should I be careful about? Why would he be instred in me when I'm half his age? Thanks for the help
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faifai
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It's just that some of what you've said makes him sound a bit...sketchy. Why would he suddenly be so open about how he feels once he finds out that pursuing you isn't, uh, illegal? And though an age gap isn't always a bad thing, you're at different places in your lives. He might just be a flirt. He might be trying to take advantage of someone young and pretty. Or, he could be looking for something with much more lasting power than a typical young relationship--is that something you'd be ok with?

Or it could just be that he likes you and is shy, but why not ask him directly if you two could go on a date or something? Then you would know how he feels, plain and simple, without all the "what-ifs" that are going on right now.

[This message has been edited by faifai (edited 11-04-2004).]


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coolestdesignz
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My question is, "Why is he suddenly interested in you as soon as he finds out you're half his age."

I don't think it would have any more lasting power. All relationships at any poing can have the same issues.

Although this kind of age gap isn't always a bad thing, it is almost always a bad thing.

It really doesn't sound like innocent flirting to me.

A direct confrontation (for lack of better words) seems logical at this point.


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anglebabygirl
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I really don't known why all of a sudden he is insterded in me after he found out my age. What kind of firting is this when you say it is not innocent flriting? Why dose this sound like a bad idea to you? Do you think he is going to take advange of me? Thanks

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coolestdesignz
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Sounds like a bad idea because he has 2x your life experience (example: him going out with you is like an 80yo with a 40yo).

As I said, direct questions to him might be a good idea.

Innocent Flirting: Flirting and not trying to go anywhere beyond flirting.


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anglebabygirl
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I just saw him today at work and he hugged me and said as he pulled away "ooo you smell nice" Then he asked about school. So do you think that his flirting is going somewhere because he knows that I don't have a boyfrind and hasen't asked me on a date. How should I ask him if he likes me? I really don't feel comfortable with doing that. Thanks

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coolestdesignz
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I personally think he is trying to go somewhere with that.

The only way to find out is to ask. You say you don't fell comfortable talking to him? If you can't at least ask...


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anglebabygirl
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I don't know how to ask him? I don't want to sound dumb. Please can I have some examples on how to ask him if he likes me? Where do you think he is going with this? I do feel comfortable talking to him I just don't want to sound dumb if I ask him if he likes me. Thanks
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coolestdesignz
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I personally think he might just be some 40 year old guy who wants a hot 20-something. But I won't pass judgement on someone I have never met.

You just need to ask him if he likes you. Why? Etc...

You: "Hi."
Him: "Hi."
You: "So, you've been hitting on me recently. Tell me what you see in me and why."

There you go


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Heather
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I gotta go with my gut on this one: this guy sounds kinda yucky.

(And like he sure doesn't value his job much: patting your fellow employees, whispering in that maner in mny workplaces is considered harassment and can get you canned.)

Not only would I suggest you not pursue this, I'd suggest he act like he's at work when he's there and treat you like a fellow colleague and employee.


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anglebabygirl
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So what he has been doing to me by the touching and saying I'm cute and pretty is not treating me like a employee? Also what he doing to me is harassment to me? I will ask him if I have the chance. Why dose he sound kinda yucky? Why would he want a hot 20 something when he is 40? Thanks

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coolestdesignz
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Touching someone without their express consent or using words like "sweetheart, honey, etc." can be considered harassment. It is also frequently considered inappropriate to hit on people at your workplace.

As to your other question:

Trust me, a middle-aged man would love the opportunity to have sex with a 20yo. It would probably be a fantasy come true. Go talk to some of your girl-friends about this one.


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Heather
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Per the yucky?

Again, mainly my gut reaction.

But likely why I had that reaction is that from everything you've desicbed so far, this guy has been touchy at work, whispery, talked about how cute or pretty you are, your appearance, but I haven't seen a single reference to him addressing anything BUT your appearance.

Moreover, if we like someone, esp. at work, rather than hitting on them endlessly there, we ask them out to coffee to actually find out about the (appropriately), so we can discover more than what they look like and how cute they are in their uniform. We also do that to have an inkling of consideration for respecting that hey are in a work environment.

He's 40 years old: he should know this drill by now. That he doesn't either says he's clueless, or that he just doesn't care (and maybe thinks you don't know better or won't speak up).


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Heather
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Just one more thing: a person with 20 years on you could have interest in you for any number of reasons, and their agenda may be positive or negative. It's pretty tough to generalize, because for every rule, there are always exceptions.

But when a person of ANY age seems to only be addressing what you look like, and doing so in what appears to be a pretty inappropriate manner, without any address of all the other aspects of who you are, it's often safe to assume their interest in you is likely surface or only sexual.

Try putting the shoe on the other foot: would YOU be behaving towards someone in your workplace the way he is towards you?


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anglebabygirl
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He dosen't ask me questions about myself or has never asked me to coffee or anything. So he only likes me for the way I look? If he liked me for only the way I looked why didn't he hit on me when he first knew me? What do you mean he could like from the surface? I like the way he is making me feel when he hits on me is that bad concidering I work with him? I would never do that to anyone I work with. Do you think he wants me sexual? you said he knows the drill by now what do you mean he just dosen't care? Thanks
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anglebabygirl
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I forgot to add that he dosen't address anything but my apperence when he sees me. Thanks

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Heather
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Honey, listen up: you said you were getting a crush on him because he paid you this attention.

The best analogy (comparison) I can make to that is if I started to want every job I was offered, just because they offered it to me, even if that meant I'd make 50 cents an hour, have to work 20 hour days, and have a four-hour commute each way.

You follow?

Plenty of people in your life will likely like how you look and will come on to you. Sounds to me like you might have some self-esteem issues brewing, or just be unaware that someone interested in YOU should be interested in the whole you, and you in the whole them, NOT just because they're interested in part of you, but because something about them (and really, lots of somethings) besides their interest is vastly compelling.

Surface means superficial, in essence. If I only care about how someone looks (or that they're compliant or I interpret them as such), not about who they are, I'm not going to be interested in much more than looking at them, or having (likely veryo one-sided) sex with them because without all those others areas of interest, to quote Peggy Guggenheim, there's just no THERE there.

If this guy DOES respond well to you asking him to act like a fellow employee at work, if he DOES start asking about the whole of you, if he expresses interest or action beyond "you're so cute," or nearly patting your backside AND you have interest in him beyond his interest in you, then by all means, consider pursuing this.

But if ALL of those things aren't happening? You're looking at a big dead end.

And that fact that you wouldn't behave as he is should really, really tell you something.


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anglebabygirl
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So he is only instered in the way I look and nothing more. I have not much experance with guys. I have selfestem issues, I hate the way I look so when someone gives me any attention mainly guys I think that they like me. This guy sounds like a jerk hes not instered in myself just what I look like. What should I do about him? He just wants eex from me?
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Barbarosa
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Is the 40 year old man that has been showing his interest in you married?
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anglebabygirl
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no he is not married.
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smilee_kylie
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Personally, if that was me and i didn't really want that to continue I would consider leaving that job to find another. I used to have an employee who worked with me and he would hug me and call me cutie and flirt alot and I began to get a bit of a crush because of the attention. But I felt bad because I was in a relationship and I was too shy to tell him to lay off. During a conversation i had with him online I told him how I was a virgin and hadn't done anything with my boyfriend at that point in time and then all of a sudden he layed off? Interested in me sexually? i say yes!

Put your 'feelings' away for a moment because it is only a crush and look at the big picture. He is obviously attracted to you physically and if he is starting to hug you and tell you you smell nice it is only going to go further. So either leave your job or say something, before its too late. Its for your own good.


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coolestdesignz
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Leave your job, with today's job market? Bad idea there.

Saying something, good idea.

It seems like the overall opinion on this board (even from Miz Scarlet herself) seems to say that this guy is icky. Stay away. He is you coworker, so you must still remain cordial.


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Heather
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Please don't forget, folks, that per his behaviour, if he doesn't tone it down, it's not this user's place to simply tolerate hrassment or leave her job.

She's not the one doing it, after all, he is.

So, she certainly also has the opinion of reporting the behaviour to her boss or manager. Learning to stand up for yourself is a pretty important thing.


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anglebabygirl
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i just can't leave my job I have been there for 4 and half years. If I let it continue how bad could it get? What could he do besides the touchy stuff? I'm scared if I report him I could get in trouble also becuase I'm hugging him back and not telling him no. So you think all he wants is to be sexual with me? He hasn't asked me for my number or anyhting. I have known him for a few years and he has never acted this way to me before? Why would he start now with all the touching and not when I first knew him? Thanks.

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coolestdesignz
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Personally, I don't know why he might start now.

However, it can't get worse unless you want it to. If you tell him to knock it off and he doesn't, you go to your boss. Now he is out of a job.


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anglebabygirl
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If I report his behavor to my boss he could fired and not me? Would I have tell all the things he did to me? Its really not bothering me that much I just don't want him to use me as eye candy or want me for sex. So I should not talk to him anymore? I don't want him to hate me if I tell my boss about what he is doing to me. That might cause some friction if I tell my boss about what he is doing to me and then I see him again he might do something to me to spite for what I did to him.
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coolestdesignz
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OK. I didn't really get what you are trying to say in that last post. But, you shouldn't be scared of going to your boss if something bothers you, and you have told him to stop. If nothing bothers you, then this is silly. But if what he does bothers you, then you need to tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop, tell your boss.

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Heather
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Well, it's not silly, regardless.

Boundaries are pretty important for our well-being.

So, if we let just anyone, anywhere, be really touchy with us, hit on us all the time, and we do not feel ABLE to make boundaries, either from lack of assertiveness, and/or because we feel ANY attention is good attention, that's probelmatic.

And when someone is doing somethiing to you that is, by no means, what you'd do to another, and doing it especially in an inappropriate and creepy way (really, the third person stuff is just... bizarre), if it DOESN'T bother you, it's likely worth really giving some serious thought as to why not.


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anglebabygirl
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I don't know how to make boundraies. I let other peolpe make them for me. I'm not very assertive. Thats what I'm feeling any attention from a guy is good attention to me becuase guys don't pay attention to me. How can I make boundraies for him but at the same time I like the attention he is giving me it makes me feel special but at the same time I know its not good what he is doing. I feel very conflicted on what to do. I know its not right but I want him not to stop. This type of behaivor becuase I have never had guys hit on me before or is it the low selfestem that I have? Thanks

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Barbarosa
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You mentioned in your fist post or two that you are in a hospital setting. The difficulties you are experiencing, as well as your mixed feelings about this attention are not too unusual, but they are also not too healthy, for you in particular. You seem to have pretty good insight into why you are responding to this attention, but it sounds like you are not sure what to do about it. That can make you feel a little vulnerable.

It sounds like you like your job, and want to keep working there, but from what you have said you worry about how this might all be handled if you did talk with a supervisor about this situation. It is true that nearly all hospitals, no matter what size, frown on relationships between staff, as well as having rules to protect staff from unwanted or inappropriate touching. You might check the hospital policy and procedure manual.
The Human resources department may be a great place to go too, as most hospitals, and nursing homes have some for of EAP, or employee assistance program.

You can go to an EAP counselor and talk, completely privately, and they can help you sort through what is happening at work with you, as well as helping you deal with your rather confusing feelings. They also will be able to help you stay out of trouble with the policies that might address your situation. Because these services are provided by law they have to follow certain rules, and the biggest rule is the one that protects you the best. That is that you have the right to privacy about this, and how the situation is dealt with. Everything you tell the EAP counselor has some legal protection to keep you and your job from trouble.

Go get help right there where someone can do you the most good, and in the process the EAP counselor may be able to help you themselves, or direct you to someone that may be really good at helping with you self esteem, and assertion/communication needs. Getting professional help can save you a lot of time figuring stuff out by trial and error, and empower you to deal with future situations like this more confidently.


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anglebabygirl
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I don't know how to set boundraies so I let other people do it for me. I'm not assertive. I know its not right for him to pay attention to me like this but it makes me feel special becuase no guy ever payed any attention to me. So any attention I get from a guy I like and I think they like me becuase of the physcial attention they give. Can he sense that I don't know how to set boundries and that I have low selfestem? The attention he is giving me is not bothering and I don't know why it is not when I know he should not be doing it. I'm very confused about the way he is acting to me becuase he knows that he shouldn't be acting like this towards me. So he is really is being overly touchy with me?

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