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Author Topic: A few boyfriend problems...
AsleepOnASunbeam
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This is long, but please still read it and help me.
Here are a few details about our relationship, I'll go into greater detail when I ask the questions:
My boyfriend and I have only been going out a month and a few days..I know this is going to sound bad, and I feel terrible about doing already, but we have (already) had sex. I really was going to wait before I did it with him (And I told him that I wasn't going to do it for a LONG time), but then I got a little drunk and we did. So, now people that I didn't want to know, well, know. He told some people..so, now I'm sure people are going to think I'm..a slut. My best friend doesn't like him. A bunch of people don't think we should go out. He broke up with me, tried to hook up with my friend, and then I guess they didn't work or something, and he asked me back out the next day.

So, onto the questions:

1 & 2.) Like I said, my best friend doesn't like him. She doesn't really have a reason, but she wants us to break up. Anytime she'd be there when I'd talk to him on the phone, she'd talk about him in the background. Well, one time she said something about how he was "just using me" and I said "You know, I wish you wouldn't say that..it makes me sad." and my boyfriend was like "What'd she say?", so I told him..then, he was like "Man, fuck that." and he wanted to talk to her..Then, he got mad that I didn't defend him or anything. He was like "Why didn't you say anything to her..If someone said something bad about you, whether you were there or not, I'd stick up for you." So, my questions are:
*Do you think I should listen to my friend? And break up with him? I don't want to or anything, but I wouldn't want to ever lose my best friend.
*Should I stick up for him when my friends say stuff about him or what? I'm not the type of person to even stick up for myself, let alone another person, which could result in me losing a friend.

3.) People a school tell him that we don't look right together, he's too old for me (He's 17 I'm 15), and that I'm NOT PRETTY ENOUGH for him. It really bugs me, because you know..that's not exactly the types or things you want to here..it really lowers your confidence, you know? One girl was talking to my best friend..and she was like "I almost called you -{My Name}-" and my friend was like "Oh, thanks..." (Joking..) and the girl was like "No, you're too pretty to be her...I don't like her." and my friend was like "I don't either..No, I'm just joking, I don't like her dumb boyfriend though." and the girl said "How did they even meet anyways?" Like I'm not good enough to go out with him or something. I don't know what to do, because I really don't want the whole gosh-damn school talking about how I don't look right with my boyfriend. This wasn't much of a question..I don't know...

4 & 5.) One of my friends (Friend 1) and her boyfriend plus another one of my friends (Friend 2) went to my boyfriend's house. Well, my boyfriend was going to break up with me that day anyways..he said we didn't have enough in common or something. Well, he didn't do it until late that night because when he called my friends mom was over and he didn't want me to like cry or anything. So, while we were still going out, even though he was going to break up with me, he was hitting on Friend 2. They were "hugging up" on eachother, as he would say. So, supposedly he tried to kiss her or something, but they didn't do anything (Him and Friend 2 said they didn't do anything.) Well, my boyfriend was like "Yeah, I was trying to hit on her, but she was doing it to." It turns out, Friend 2 had the choice of leaving his house with Friend 1 and her boyfriend or staying at my boyfriends house until they came back, and she decided to stay there, plus she put her number in his cell phone. (Friend 1 told me this stuff)..It pisses me off because Friend 2 was like "I wouldn't do anything with him, I wouldn't do that to you" but yet she stayed at his house? Friend 1 also said that Friend 2 said that if me and him wouldn't have gone back out so quick that she would have gone out with him. The night that all that happened was when he broke up with me, he was like "I don't want you to think that I'm breaking up with you for someone else or anything" and that we had a "60%-70%" chance we'd go back out and that he still had feelings for me and he didn't want to just stop talking to me. So, the next day, he still met me after one of my classes and that night he called me..and he said that he didn't like being broken up..then, I went over to his house, and he said that we should just go back out..so we did. Then, the next day, I heard about all that I just mentioned up there..and he admitted it. I was mad, but I didn't want to break up with him because I like him a lot. Well, today, he told me that he called Friend 2 a bitch in the hallway..And I said "She must have not been a bitch when you were trying to hook up with her now was she?" and he was like "I never really tried hooking up with her, I just wanted to see if I could get in them guts." which Friend 2 is a virgin and wouldn't have anyways.
Questions:
*Do you think I should have taken him back after him trying to hook up with me friend?
*Do you think that if he was only trying to get with Friend 2 for sex that he could only be interested in me for that? (Even though when I mentioned something about my best friend saying he was using me, he said "I wouldn't have to be in a relationship to get sex." Which is kind of cocky, I know..but there are a lot of girls that want him.)

6.) He was right when he broke up with me because we don't have anything in common..because we don't. He's like gangster/prep..and I'm, well..Not anything really. My clothes differ a lot..I wear Converse or skate shoes, I don't really know how to describe the shirts I wear, but it's not preppy, gothic, skater, punkish..anything really. it's not like "I just grabbed random clothes out of my closet" or anything like that. Not that style has anything to do with it, because it doesn't..I'm just explaining. Anyways, he listens to rap, I despise rap..I don't know what my music is classified as, but some of my favorite bands are Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, The Used, My Chemical Romance..blah blah, you get the idea. We're two WAY different people..So, whenever we're on the phone I don't know what to talk about. It's not like we just sit there for an hour not saying anything (Although it was like that a few days before we broke up and stuff)..I just honestly don't know what to say. I'm not much of a talkative person anyways, and it's hard for me to open up and actually be able to really talk to someone. So, how can I learn to COMMUNICATE!?

[This message has been edited by AsleepOnASunbeam (edited 10-21-2004).]


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Blink
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quote:
*Do you think I should listen to my friend? And break up with him? I don't want to or anything, but I wouldn't want to ever lose my best friend.

I don't know. Does your friend give good reasons, or is she vague? You should definitely listen to her opinion, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything she says. But if it came down to my best friend and someone I'd been dating a month, I would pick my best friend. If I had to choose. But I'm not you.

quote:
*Should I stick up for him when my friends say stuff about him or what? I'm not the type of person to even stick up for myself, let alone another person, which could result in me losing a friend.

I think it's usually a good idea to stick up for people you care about, as long as it's not at the risk of starting a huge fight and alienating people. But also listen to what your friends are saying. Are they just criticizing him or are they trying to warn you? Are they being mean, or trying to help?

quote:
3.) People a school tell him that we don't look right together, he's too old for me (He's 17 I'm 15), and that I'm NOT PRETTY ENOUGH for him.

The "not pretty enough" stuff is totally disgusting. I hope you tell them off... or at least don't let it bother you too much. People who say things like that are really stupid. Grr.

quote:
*Do you think I should have taken him back after him trying to hook up with me friend?

Maybe not. It doesn't seem like he gave you any reassurance that he wouldn't do it again, but maybe I'm missing something. He seemed like at that time he wanted to be doing something with Friend 2 and didn't let being together with you get in his way, and then when he got caught he tried to blame it all on her. Not very cool. But maybe I'm missing something.

quote:
*Do you think that if he was only trying to get with Friend 2 for sex that he could only be interested in me for that?

Maybe, maybe not. You said you had sex with him when you were a little drunk--you didn't really say how that happened. Did he pressure you at all? I think it's telling that he didn't seem to value his relationship with you enough to stay away from Friend 2, but I don't know.

quote:
He was right when he broke up with me because we don't have anything in common..because we don't. ...We're two WAY different people..So, whenever we're on the phone I don't know what to talk about. It's not like we just sit there for an hour not saying anything (Although it was like that a few days before we broke up and stuff)..I just honestly don't know what to say. I'm not much of a talkative person anyways, and it's hard for me to open up and actually be able to really talk to someone. So, how can I learn to COMMUNICATE!?

Why are you together if you don't really have anything in common and can't find things to talk about? I mean, since you're not having great conversations, what do you see in each other that you don't see in other people? Maybe you shouldn't be worrying about learning to communicate... just be yourself, and if you as yourself doesn't connect with him in a relationship, then you might want to reconsider why you're in this relationship.

So, I tried to answer your questions. I hope I didn't totally miss the point on anything. Let me know if I'm seeing things totally the wrong way, and maybe I'll change my advice. Good luck!

[This message has been edited by Blink (edited 10-21-2004).]


Posts: 106 | From: New York, NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AsleepOnASunbeam
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Thank you! You helped really..I know it was a lot to read, so thanks for taking the time. I don't really know if my friends are saying stuff to be mean or to warn me. They don't know him well or anything, they're just kind of going by what other people have said. About us having sex when I was drunk, well..He didn't pressure me, no..But he knew ahead of time that I didn't want to have sex with him until after a while. While I was drinking, he was like "I want you to get drunk so I can take advantage of you", and I just assumed he was joking..Like, he kind of did take advantage of me, but then again he didn't. I didn't try to stop him when he started taking off my pants or anything..It just kind of happened. Like, it was like I was watching myself, like I knew what was going on but I was just watching. I don't know how to explain it, I guess if you've been drunk before you might know...And about the we don't have anything in common thing..Well, I really don't know what to say, because we really don't have anything in common..But I don't know, he's really sweet and everything, I don't know..I know you can't just base a whole relationship on this, or base any of it all on that, I don't know though, I'm just kind of hoping that we'll find something in common eventually. And it's not like we don't talk at all, it's just..sometimes we'll just be kind of sitting there on the phone. I forgot what else you said something about...But uh, thanks a lot for replying.

[This message has been edited by AsleepOnASunbeam (edited 10-21-2004).]


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smilee_kylie
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Ideally your final decision should not be based on what your friends reckon you should do or even your boyfriend for that matter. You should sit down and think through it for yourself. Go with what your heart says. From what you've said, I personally think you could do with better friends and a better boyfriend. Its not nice having friends who pay you out (saying you aren't 'pretty enough' and a boyfriend who was willing to have a sex with one of your friends straight away after you. But that again is my opinion. You need a guy who values who you are and respects your choices. My boyfriend, for example, wouldn't dare going further until I actually said for myself. And if your friends are voicing concerns listen to them and discuss why they feel that way or perhaps consider the value of your friends. My best advice is to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about your relationship. Ask him if you think you guys are working or if you think it'll continue to work. Maybe go on a break and see what he does in the course of this. But good luck with everything anyway.
Posts: 58 | From: Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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