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Author Topic: Sex....no strings attached?
xgravitygirlx
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I have started fooling around with a guy I work with....and we've made this pact that we're not going to tell anyone at work or anything like that.

My two best friends are TOTALLY against it....they think that I'm going to get hurt, that he's using me, etc etc., when it was my idea to do it in the first place.

I don't want a relationship and neither does he. Is it wrong to just fool around with him? Have sex? Will I get attached? Will he? We already established that we "like" each other, have "crushes" on each other, but neither of us want a real relationship or whatever.

I don't know if it was a one-time thing with him or not....but I'm still curious about others' opinions on this matter.


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Maryha
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Considering how many people "just fool around," I don't think it's "wrong" at all. Of course, I am usually against moralizing so long as both of you are consenting to have sex non-committally. . . which you are.

As for whether feelings will develop. . . That is a far more complex topic. I've had a "meaningful fling" (as I like to call it) with a friend of mine for a few years now. And, at first, I didn't have any emotional attachment other than a fondness for him as a friend. I just happen to also be plenty physically attracted to him.

Thing is, time went on, and I *did* get emotionally attached, and now I'm in love with him. But he doesn't feel the same. We're still friends. . . and I don't know about the lovers part just now. . .

But really, my story DOES have a point. . . Thing is, you may be like my friend and be able to fool around and/or have sex without getting emotionally attached. And don't get me wrong, he does care about me, there's just no attachment.

OR, you could be like me and end up in love with someone who really didn't want a relationship. And your friend at work may very well fall into either of these categories.

In short, it's really up to you to decide if it's too emotionally dangerous for you. Because no one can say how your two's feelings for each other may change. Best of luck with your decision!

Oh, just one other thing. . . I still don't regret what's happened despite the emotional attachment. . . So there's the down low.


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illuminatedmind
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It's possible feelings will develop. But it's between you and him. Just make sure you keep communication open. You both have to agree to take it to the next level.
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Tinydancer
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Hey...well u know i've been there before...and kinda am right now...but i think it's cool to fool around with people to a certain exstint...full blown sex is a lil too far if u 2 r not willing to admit that u have something goin...i know i know we hear this all the time DON'T HAVE UNSAFE SEX...but if ur not sure if somethings really there and if u dont really want it to b if u do decide to do that make sure u protect urself...idk u but i know that it hurts really bad...and u probably will get attached to him...i dont really c how u couldn't..but hope everything works out...**tiny Dancer**
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coconut*~*
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You people forgot one detail, When was the last time either of you got checked for an STD or STI? Because i doubt two people are going to lose their virginity to someone 'no strings attached' so be safe use protection and talk to a doctor and recommend he do the same because condoms arnt the only thing that makes sex "safe"

------------------
B.I.T.C.H : Babe In Total Control of Herself


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logic_grrl
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quote:
full blown sex is a lil too far if u 2 r not willing to admit that u have something goin

quote:
u probably will get attached to him...i dont really c how u couldn't

Tinydancer, it's fine if that's your opinion, but please remember it's just that - not a universal law.

Different things work for different people, and people can and do have "friends who have sex" relationships without falling in love.

By the way, we ask that people post in standard English, not netspeak or slang - abbreviations like "u" for "you" and "c" for "see" can make things hard to read and confusing, especially for board users who are not native English speakers.


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xgravitygirlx
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Well, I don't know who the STD question was directed at, but I'll go ahead and say that I go to my OB/GYN regularly.... and he think he's pretty cool, too....though I'm not really sure.... but we talked about it, and he says that he's always used protection. So I don't really know.

My friends are just REALLY against it, and my standpoint on it is, as a woman who is in control of her body, mind, and soul, I have a right to decide what I want to do with it all.

But a lot of my friends are Christians and they really contradict themselves with it. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for four months, and they took each other's virginity the other night.....and yet she doesn't appreciate what I'm doing..... having sex with him is like, all she talks about...and how she wants it to happen again. Well ya know what? I want it to happen again with the guy I work with. I just don't see what's so wrong with that. Hmmph.

I haven't talked to the co-worker since this episode occured the other day. He called me yesterday but I rejected his call.

And, since we're not working together the rest of the weekend, it'll give me some time to think.

Thanks you guys.


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logic_grrl
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quote:
but we talked about it, and he says that he's always used protection.

In which case, presumably he'd practise safer sex with you too (unless he thinks you're less important than all his previous partners ...).

Seeing your gyn regularly is a great move, but it's not a substitute for safer sex.

By the way, as a practical point - I'm assuming that you're equal colleagues, and he's not your boss or supervisor (and you're not his boss or supervisor), right?

Because in that case, sex would be a definite Bad Idea.


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Heather
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Just a few extra things to think about:

- Secrecy tends to be a problem a lot of the time. The "why" of any sexual secrecy is obviously important: if it's because one person already has another partner and they're cheating, if it's because what anyone is doing is illegal or puts their health, sanity or job at risk, etc. it can end up being really debilitating.

- You're absolutely right in your assessment that many young people's "serious" relationships pretty closely resemble a lot of more casual relationships in terms of the length of time, the level of commitment, the day-to-day activities and desires.

- There really is no such thing as sex with NO strings or feelings. We have feelings for anyone we're involved with, pretty much always, they just may not always be *romantic* feelings. To boot, there's nothing in the world wrong with knowing that, for instance, a relationship where you're gearing towards cohabitation or marriage, towards being involved as a couple with friends or family, towards having a relationship take major bouts of your time isn't what you want. And plenty of people can have healthy relationships that don't resemble what we see more typically. The trick simply generally is to talk out all of those wants and needs with whomever you're involved with, not just once, but as you go.


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xgravitygirlx
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no, he's not my boss. we work at a restaurant. i'm a hostess, and he's a server. so yeah. we're equals, basically.

and i think that we're keeping it on the down low because....well. i don't want people to know, honestly. i'm not really ashamed of it or anything, but i just feel like it's not anyone else's business. i think people know, though, because i've been asked twice what's going on between he and i....and of course, i say nothing....that we're just friends and stuff. that's it.

right now, things have kind of come to a halt between he and i. it's like we're both waiting on each other to make the next move or something. i think that if i wait for him, poor guy, i'd be waiting forever....so i'll probably be the one to make the move, because i was the one who gave him my number and told him what i wanted in the first place....so yeah. it was all my idea....so i guess i'm "in control" of the "relationship." haha.

oh, and miz scarlet...you said something about "There really is no such thing as sex with NO strings or feelings. We have feelings for anyone we're involved with, pretty much always, they just may not always be *romantic* feelings......."

i'm afraid i don't really understand.... because i'm thinking that maybe he IS interested in me, but he just....i dunno...crap. i don't know how guys think. i want sex. i do. and i don't know if i want a relationship, but i do want a sexual relationship with him, and i just have to convey that to him.


is it even possible to develop into something more....something that stems off from sex?


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logic_grrl
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quote:
is it even possible to develop into something more....something that stems off from sex?

It's certainly possible.

But it's a bad, bad idea to enter into a "no strings, friends with benefits" relationship if you're secretly hoping that it'll turn into something more. You're setting yourself up to get hurt if it doesn't.

You said in your first post that neither of you want a "real relationship", but now you seem unsure:

quote:
don't know if i want a relationship

quote:
i'm thinking that maybe he IS interested in me, but he just....i dunno...crap

It's a good idea to think about what you really want here. And then talk to him.

One thing about "friends with benefits" relationships (or any other sort of relationship, for that matter) is that it's vital to honestly discuss what you both want, and make sure you're on the same page.

At the moment, it sounds like all you've actually discussed is the "not telling anyone at work" part, but not what you do want.


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xgravitygirlx
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you're right. i'm not sure if he and i are both on the same page...and i know that this situation isn't just going to disappear if i ignore it or whatever.

so how do i bring it up? just call him and ask him if we can get together and talk?

to be honest, i don't KNOW if i'm secretly hoping for it to turn into something more. i don't know if he's hoping for it either [[ i doubt it. ]]. the other day when i said i liked him, and then later on, he said he liked me, and then it was followed by a, "but...let's just wait and see. we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

i have never been in a situation like this in my whole life, and had i known it was going to be this complicated and confusing [[ which i don't think it has to be ]], i would've never had suggested it to him in the first place.

thanks again.


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logic_grrl
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quote:
just call him and ask him if we can get together and talk?

It can be done . Or just ask if he wants to get a coffee or something after work, and talk it through then.

quote:
i don't KNOW if i'm secretly hoping for it to turn into something more

quote:
"but...let's just wait and see. we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

"Not knowing" can be fine too. One option is to agree something like "okay, we'll keep things casual for now, but wait and see how it develops".

As long as you can keep each other posted about how your feelings are or aren't developing, and "re-negotiate" the agreement as necessary, it can work.

For example, if both of you find your feelings are deepening, you might decide together to make it a more committed or monogamous relationship. Or you might decide that you enjoy it just as it is, as a "friendship plus occasional sex", and don't want it to be anything else. Or one of you might develop stronger feelings but not the other, at which point a halt might need to be called. Or one of you might develop feelings for someone else - that's a possibility you have to be aware of.

What's not a good idea is agreeing (explicitly or implicitls) something like "this is just a casual sexual relationship and I wouldn't be interested in anything more" if you're not really sure that's where you're at.


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Fox Lover
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I have strong opinions and feelings about sex so I would probably be on your friends side about this one. (In the sense that I think it's wrong. At least I wouldn't choose this path for myself.) But by the way you are sounding it seems you are yourself confuzed about what you are really wanting from this guy. You started out saying you only want sex and he also only wants a physical 'relationship' but later on you start sounding as if you think, hay, maybe it would be cool to get emotionally together with this guy.. Only, you don't know if that's how he sees it. But yah the only way you can is to be honest with him. Or at least you can try getting him to be honest with you. So maybe then you wouldn't have to just go into a physical fling with the guy blindly then end up actually falling for him you know.
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