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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend

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Author Topic: Boyfriend
BiLLaBaBy017
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I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been doing things behind my back. I had a hunch that he might have been doing something behind my back, so I tried to find out what it was.

I remembered his password for his e-mail account and I got into it (I know, that probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I had to see if my instincts were true, and they were).

I saw a lot of e-mails from girls and some e-mails that he sent to them. All of him saying how they were really hot and how he wanted to meet up with them so they could "have some fun, *wink*" (that's what they actually said in the e-mail).

Some of the girls that replied asked him if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't.

We started going out in the beginning of April (the 6th) and these e-mails were dated from 4/16-today. Am I going about this the wrong way?

I've tried talking to him, but he denies it, and when I show him the e-mails he says he's just joking with them and it's all in good fun. I don't think it's funny, but he does.

He tells me he loves me, and I love him too, but IDK if I should get out of this relationship or not.

He has been a little abusive lately, leaving some bruises and stuff like that, but he says that he doesn't do it intentionally, "it just happens when we fight." We only have verbal arguments I might add.

IDK what to do with him. We're leaving today for Indiana for the weekend and I'm afraid that he'll start being abusive when we're seeing my family. Am I in any danger of some sort?

Can anyone please help me? I'm in a tough position and IDK what to do.

Since I got myself into this mess, should I be the only one to get myself out?

Thanks so much for reading this

------------------
*^AsHLeY^*


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


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BruinDan
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Congratulations, my dear. You've won BruinDan's "Red Flag of the Day Award."

Before I go into anything else, I think I need to state something that should be blatantly obvious. If you have bruises from something that is anything other than consensual, you need to leave. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You need to get out now. I have no idea how it would be humanly possible to "only have verbal arguments" and still wind up with bruises, that makes no sense. But regardless, if you've got bruises, you need out. Now.

I'm sorry if that comes out as somewhat harsh, but there really cannot be any room for relationships with just a little bruising here and there. Things like that have a nasty tendency to grow worse over time, and the last thing you want to do is find yourself caught in a relationship that is spiralling into an abusive maelstrom. So yes, you need to get out.

As far as the emails go, no, it really wasn't the best idea to tap into his email account. Aside from the fact that you've basically violated his privacy, some states are now holding people legally liable for doing things like that. Colorado passed legislation just last month to make it a misdemeanor "breach of privacy" violation to do just that. Other states are following suit. So you don't want to be doing that, even if you do suspect something.

Mind you, that certainly doesn't let him off the hook for what was clearly some disrespectful behavior. Anyone who truly cares about you would not be doing things of that nature, and I think you know that deep down. This is just another of the red flags that really should be popping up in your head right now.

So the next step is what you do with him. If I were you, I'd waste no time in kicking him to the curb. Aside form the fact that you've got proof in the form of emails that he is acting in a blatantly disrespectful manner towards your relationship, you've also got proof in the form of bruises that this guy is not worth having around. You really cannot need any more proof than that.

Part of being able to maintain a mature relationship is knowing when to take care of yourself and get out. This is one of those cases that really ought to stand as a lesson for the future. If someone treats you in the manner which this person has, you need to get out and go elsewhere. I'm sorry you had to go through this episode, but I hope it will help you to identify relationship problems better in the future. Take care!

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BruinDan, "Code Four, Baby," PHOM

¡Siendo padrote no es cil!


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illuminatedmind
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Dan's right, you need to get out. And I understand that you love him, but sometimes that just isn't enough. The fact is, the way he's treating you isn't deserving of your love.

I really don't have a lot to add To Dan's advice. I will say that, if you somehow can't manage to dump him before Indiana, be alonw with him as little as possible because you never know when bad will go to worse.


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Gumdrop Girl
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The Abusive Partner Checklist
[] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot
[] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
[] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down
[] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
[] I am afraid to say no to sex
[] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me
[]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry
[] I am fraid to disagree with my partner
[] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me
[]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault

So, how many checks did you fill in? I'm with the others, it's time to kick this guy to the curb. and FAST. he's not going to get any nicer. Seriously. they always say they're going to change, but statistics speak differnetly. Unfortunately, abuse only gets worse, seldom better, as relationships go on. Stop him in his tracks by giving him the heave.

------------------
"Have you ever taken a moment to consider the alternate meaning of the word 'debugger?'" quoth Jack
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SunshineLK0517
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you should definetly leave him. no guy has the right to hurt you! the two of you havent been going out for very long so i suggest you get out of that relationship before your feelings for him run too deep. if he is hitting you now then it will only get worse
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CorsetFetish
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I would just like to jump on the wagon and say get as far away as possible. Fast. As in yesterday.

I hope everything works out for you. Come here anytime you need help- that's what everyone here is for.

~Corset~


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BiLLaBaBy017
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Wow, thank you guys so much for all of your help, and Gumdropgirl.. there are 4 checks on that list you gave me, and guess what? He broke my toe yesterday! We got into a fight and I went to put my foot on the floor (we were on the bed) and he grabbed it and he twisted my fourth toe on my left foot! My mom asked how it happened and I clammed up tho.. I told her I stubbed it... I should've just told her the truth, I'm just too scared... but that's the update for now, I'll come back when I have more!

Thanks again!


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Bobolink
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What you are describing is the crime of assault. Tell your parents and press charges against this common thug.

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We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 05-28-2004).]


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Anita18
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I'm going to join in the fray and say that you need to leave NOW. Even if you love him, you don't deserve to be treated like that, from anyone, let alone someone you love.

And definitely press charges - he could do it again to you or to another girl if you don't put a stop to this. He needs to learn that he can't just hit girls or break their toes when he's angry at them.


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wobblyheadedjane
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I want to chime in with the chorus here and advise taking off ASAP, and add that you've been around ST a while BillaBaby, and given some pretty good advice- so good on you for taking the intiative and getting out of an unhealthy relationship. It's not easy, but as you can tell from the people rallying around you here, you'll get lots of support for your decision. Good luck!
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Gumdrop Girl
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quote:
He broke my toe yesterday! We got into a fight and I went to put my foot on the floor (we were on the bed) and he grabbed it and he twisted my fourth toe on my left foot! [/B]


While it is EXTREMELY important for you to get out of this relationship now, it's also important that you bring charges against this guy, or atl east make it very well known that he broke your toe. Why? Because he broke your toe. What are you going to let him break next? Your arm? Your ribs? Your neck?

And then, whose toes will he break next? It's important to report what happened so that what he did to you, he cannot do to anybody else. You've gone through some real hurt already, spare another girl the same pain. Make sure he is brought to justice! If you let him get away with hurting you, he will not stop.

Tell your mom what really happened. A proper medical examination can determine that it wasn't a stubbed toe, but a forceful twist break (the two look very different under X-ray). If you don't wanna tell your mom, tell a trusted teacher, or any other adult who can get you help.

------------------
"Have you ever taken a moment to consider the alternate meaning of the word 'debugger?'" quoth Jack
Love Scarleteen? By donating just $1, you can help keep us around.


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Heather
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Billababy, soince you have the twin cities listed as your location, just wanted to make sure you're aware of this wondeful organization here: http://www.chrysaliswomen.org/

They have some excellent and very cheap support groups, advocacy and counseling services for women which could be of help to you right now.


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celery
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You need to get out now. There's no such thing as 'kind of abusive', he either is or isn't, and you have made it perfectly clear that he IS abusive. Like gumdrop said you might even want to press some charges on this guy.

If you keep forgiving him and don't get out soon it will most likely get worse and worse over time(alsmot always does). If he broke your toe theres obviously proof that he could seriously hurt you.

This guy sounds like a jerk and doesn't deserve you.


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BiLLaBaBy017
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Thank you guys so much for all the great advice. We got home from Indiana today, and everything was fine, except when we went to play pool today he was getting pissed b/c I was beating him at pool, so he grabbed my neck and started choking me.. in front of everyone. Well, I guess you're all right.. I do need to get out. It's not gonna be easy I'll tell ya that, and he'll be really upset.

Thanks Miz S for that site, I appreciate it.

Again, thanks to EVERYONE for giving me advice. You guys have no idea how much this means to me


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BiLLaBaBy017
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Ok, so I was thinking about taking him to court and getting a restraining order on him.

I told my mom I wanted to and I didn't want her to tell my "boyfriend" what I was up to. Well, he found out and he said that I wouldn't win, and they'd put me in a nuthouse.

He also told me that it's my word against his, and since we both have bruises on our bodies, I'm gonna be the one in trouble, not him.

I told my mom to tell him to stay away from me, and he hasn't listened. He calls my house and leaves threatening messages, comes to my house and watches it, and when I go out with friends he follows me.

He is seriously stalking me and I want him to leave me alone. Me and my mom are going to get a restraining order today, but that could take days to go through.

I am so scared right now that he's going to do something to hurt me in some way.. and I've thought about killing myself to get it over with so he doesn't have to bother me anymore..

Please help..


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logic_grrl
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For a start, hang onto the answering machine tapes with the threatening messages - they may come in handy if you need to make a legal case against him.

His claims that you'll be "put in a nuthouse" or that you'll be blamed for this are complete crap. Even if a court doesn't convict him, they won't punish you.

And it's just not your word against his, remember - he's left threats on tape, your friends can witness that he's been stalking you, and he choked you in front of other people.

I know it's scary, but hang in there, and good for you and your mom for going for the restraining order.


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Londongirl
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He doesn't sound worth dying for to me......

Have you checked out that web link Miz Scarlet posted, chrysalis? I just had a look, it looks good to me, AND you've got her recommendation of it. You could ring them up, speak to them in confidence, see how they could help. You've nothing to lose by calling them, have you? They help women with all kinds of issues, including encouraging them to get out of dangerous relationships, and can provide legal advice too.

I've found it can help to talk to someone on a helpline - they can be objective, because they're not your family/friends. It adds to the support you've already got from your mom.

Things may seem really bad now, but time really does heal, and getting support can help too.

Hang in there, don't let him win, he has no right to assault or threaten you, whatever happened.

------------------
Londongirl
University Student


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Heather
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Give the folks at Chrysalis a ring, Billababy. They can, usually cheaply, set you up with legal help for this, advocacy and support.

And chances are, if you go to the police as well today, while the actual order may take a little bit to go through, you may be able to get someone to come out to the house and shoo him away if he appears before then.


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BiLLaBaBy017
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After my last post, I was thinking that maybe I didn't have to put the restraining order on him. He leaves for the Army on Monday, and if he's gonna be gone for 18 weeks.. then maybe I won't need to.. should I still put one on him?
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Heather
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I'd say yes.

Here's the thing: people return. 18 weeks isn't a very long time, and the next week has plenty of days in it for him to follow through on the sort of threats you've reported him making. Given that only DAYS ago you were posting he was " little abusive" and now it's escalated to this? He's still got plenty of time to hurt you further, and/or he may continue where he left off, he may even treat someone else this way at some point, and reporting all of this is important for your protection and the protection of others, to make sure it's all in the record.

I know it's hard, and easy to have a million second thoughts. But it's important, for you, no matter what.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-01-2004).]


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BiLLaBaBy017
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Ok, well I was taking a bath today and I had the front door and the bathroom door locked. My boyfriend unlocked the door (I have no idea how he got the key) and he unlocked the bathroom door and threw a really cold glass of water on me. I freaked out b/c it was so cold so I yelled at him to get out of my house. He filled up the glass with cold water again and tried to throw it at me so I put my hands up to block it. Instead of him throwing the water at me, he dumped it out and threw the glass at my face and hands. The glass broke and I got a deep cut on my face and a lot of big cuts on my hands. I had to get 6 stitches on my face right by my left eye and I had to get 4 stitches on 5 places on both hands... now I know he's abusive! Help!
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Olive
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I would like to know, how you didn't know he was abusive. Two months into the relationship you got bruises and then a broken toe. Two months is a very short perid of time and as time goes on he would get more comfortable and feel like he can abuse you more.

I did the check list and i believe I got 6. I just read this topic today. I broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday. He let 2 small bruises on my body and tons more on my heart. I couldnt deal with the though. Sometimes I loved him and the other times I purely hated him. I've been without him for 2 days and I realized how much I love him we were together for a year and a half. But just because I love him doesn't mean I need to go straight back to him. Even though, I know, it's really hard.

I hope you learned a lot from this experience and grew by it. And I was also wondering how old you are??


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Heather
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Were you not honest at the ER?

Because if you were, you have already gotten help via a police report to the officer they would have sent in for an assault, something I KNOW would not be overlooked here, because it would put the hospital at a serious legal liability.

Given the financial and ethical logistics of hospital management, hospitals very much don't take chances with that sort of thing.

To be perfectly honest, getting in and out of the ER within a five-hour period of time with deep lacerations is pretty weird, let alone the time it takes when the police are called in, so I'm wondering what exactly is going on here, or not being shared.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-01-2004).]


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Jim007
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quote:
Originally posted by BiLLaBaBy017:
now I know he's abusive! Help!

Sweety...he has gone way past being an abusive boyfriend. He is a violant criminal who, as you've seen can not control his anger. I'm sorry that this has happened to, especially since you've taken the proper steps to get out of the relationship.

It is absolutely necessary, in order to stop him, to get the police involved now. If you haven't done so already, it is very important that you call 911 as soon as you are finished reading this post. Seeing as how you have gotton medical treatment, i assume that police may already be involved. If so, then then you need to get in contact with the investigating office ASAP (like NOW!) Tell him/her everything you've told us on these boards. You have witnesses of this abuse and after an investigation (likely a very short one) they will probably find that your ex doesn't have an alibi at the time he threw the glass at you. They will take him into custody and you will be okay.

I know it will be very hard to talk about everything to a complete stranger. You may feel like your ex will somehow get off and will continue to hurt you. However, you need to trust that the police will help you. If you think you're going to have trouble speaking about it without a stranger, I'm sure that if you printed out this topic and have them read it, you may find the situation easier to talk about if they ask you questions about the incident after reading it.

I think its really good that you're taking steps to help yourself. But now its time to take some immediate action...for your own safety.

I truly hope that everything works out for you.


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BiLLaBaBy017
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I am 17 years old, 18 in August. He took me to the hospital, the police weren't involved in any way. I got in and out of there so fast b/c it wasn't busy at all and I got in right away, and I only sat there for about 2 hours until I finally had a doctor come in and stitch me up. The incident happened at 12:30 and I didn't get out of the hospital until about 5:15. Everything is being shared and there isn't anything that's being hidden. It may sound kinda crazy and f'ed up but it's actually happening. It's not just him that is doing the bruising, it's me included. If he is hurting me in some way, I try to fight back and end up bruising him too. He is 6'3 and quite strong, and I am only 5'7 and not able to defend myself very well... so I guess that maybe it goes both ways of the abuse? Is it wrong for me to be bruising him as well?

------------------
*^_AsHLeY_^*

[This message has been edited by BiLLaBaBy017 (edited 06-01-2004).]


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Heather
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Did the doctor not ASK you how it occurred? And when he or she did, because they do ask, they HAVE to legally, did you lie?

If you did lie then yes, get to the police now. Now. Your mother is surely home at this point in the evening to go with you, and if she isn't insisting you go herself, that's unacceptable.

So, whatever you need to do, go now and file a report.

Honestly? If you don't at this point, there's nothing else we can do for you here. You have to take that step to start taking care of and protecting yourself before we can do anything else.


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Jim007
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quote:
Originally posted by BiLLaBaBy017:
If he is hurting me in some way, I try to fight back and end up bruising him too. He is 6'3 and quite strong, and I am only 5'7 and not able to defend myself very well... so I guess that maybe it goes both ways of the abuse? Is it wrong for me to be bruising him as well?


When he attacks you and you fight back, its called self-defense...NOT abuse. Therefore, you are in no way doing something wrong by bruising him. Along with the physical abuse that he has inflicted on you comes some emotional damage too--part of how he is abusing you is that he wants to make you feel responsible for him being angry and then hurting you. I repeat: you are in NO WAY doing something wrong by fighting back. You are the abused and NOT the abuser.

To repeat what Miz Scarlet said: we have pretty much done everything we can for you. In order to stop this abuse and help yourself you need to find the strength to bring this up with a police officer. It is absolutely important that you tell him/her exactly what you've told everyone here at Scarleteen. If the police are already involved, and i'm not exactly sure if they are based on your post, then you need to make sure that they know everything you've told us.

You need to do this ASAP (when you're finished reading this post).

Please--for your own health and safety...help yourself.

[This message has been edited by Jim007 (edited 06-01-2004).]


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BiLLaBaBy017
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I have gone to the police by myself (my mom didn't want to b/c it's "my deal not hers") and filed an order of protection. We have court in a few weeks, and the papers have been sent to his house as well. Until the court date, we have changed our phone numbers, and I am staying at a friends house until the order is in place. Thanks you guys for all of your help and advice, I really appreciate it. It means so much to me to know that people like you are here for me and everyone else who needs help! Thanks again so much! You guys are the best

------------------
*^_AsHLeY_^*


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Jim007
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Nice job !

Sounds as if this has all gotton under control and that you'll be okay.

Glad to hear it


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