About a month and a half ago my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. His reasons...he thought we argued too much, that I was too much like a 2nd mother, he was too into me, and he just wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted. Soon after the breakup we started to be friends again and even ended up sleeping together but now he's been really strange and distant. We graduate in a week and I am terrified that I will lose him. Yesterday we got in a fight after I questioned him about ignoring me and he denied it, I told him that I would make it easy for him and would step out of his life completely. Today at school I ignored him and felt really bad about it afterward. I don't know if I should keep ignoring him because I'm scared to lose him forever.
Posts: 55 | From: Orlando, FL, USA | Registered: May 2004
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This sounds to me like a very unhealthy codependent relationship. Why are you afraid of losing him? What motivates you to remain in a possibly very unhappy / unhealthy relationship?
Is it because you feel insecure being by yourself? It sounds like you tend to be very clingy. Remember that other people need room to breath too! I can relate, because I tend to be the "Mother Hen" type as well.
In what's usually considered a healthy relationship, one partner doesn't constantly tell the other what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to dress or do their hair. It sounds like you may be smothering this guy. Boys need "boy time" just like us girls need time to ourselves, and there's nothing wrong with that.
But before you even consider staying in this relationship, figure out what's motivating you to want to stay in the first place. Before you can be a good partner in ANY relationship (romantic or otherwise), you need to have a basic idea of who you are and where you want to go in life (it doesn't have to be specific, even a general "I want to survive college" counts). You need to get to know yourself before you can expect anyone else to know you. It sounds like you don't identify with yourself outside of this relationship, and that leads to what your feeling now: stress and confusion when you are faced with the end of the relationship, of even a minor setback within the relationship.
Also, resorting to manipulative tactics such as completely ignoring someone rarely causes any good to come of the situation. Take a step back and figure out YOU before you try to handle such a tough relationship.
So what do you think I should do for now concerning him? you don't think I should ignore him? do you think I should still talk to him or distance myself in order to get over it. Do you think being friends with him will get in the way of me getting over him? Please help! and thank you for the advice, it was very up front but also very true. I don't know much about myself and I do think I need to figure myself out, I think a lot of what went wrong in my relationship is that I defined myself as someone's girlfriend not as myself, I soon lost all my friends and when it ended it felt like the end of the world. Its a work in progress now, my old friends have taken me back with open arms and even though its not like it used to be at least I have people to talk to now. I am also vey involved in my job. I have worked there for three years and am now in an assistant management position. Sometimes it makes me feel good to see what I've accomplished at work, but I still have very low self esteem. I hate it, but sometimes I just don't feel like I measure up to everyone else.
It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of what's going on.
As far as what you should do, it's up to you to decide what's going to be best for you as a person. If not seeing or speaking to him at all until you have matters under control will work best for you, by all means do so. But don't just cut the guy off without any explanation. You might tell him that you needed time to yourself to work stuff out, and that it's not his fault at all that you need some space (he'll probably relate). If that works for you, great. It also may help to just be friend for a while, without the pressures of a romantic relationship. But basically it's up to you to figure out what will help you the most.
As for the self-esteem issue, I completely understand. I'm 5'7 and weigh 124 lbs, but due to a previous / possibly ongoing eating disorder I still feel in my heart that I'm fat. I know in my head that I'm not, but it's taking me a while to internalize that.
You need to make an effort every single day to see yourself as a wonderful, vibrant, worthwhile individual. Find something that you can do JUST FOR YOU. Not necessarily something you expect to win awards at, or something other people take notice of. I'm too short to be a serious dancer, but my Dad built me a little dance studio behind our garage and I go out and piddle around for a couple hours every once in a while just because it makes me feel good. I'm an awful ballerina, but I still have fun!
If you like art, take some classes or just go to an art store on buy some stuff that inspires you and go to work! You don't even have to keep anything you make, but be sure you have fun creating it! Or if your a poet, buy (or better yet make) a new journal and break it in! If you cook, spend all day trying out new recipes, along with old favorites. In short, find something to do (besides making a full-time job of being someone’s girlfriend) that makes you truly happy. You don't have to be good at it. Don't try to be. In fact, it's ok to be downright awful at something, as long as you enjoy it!
And keep taking pride in your accomplishments. You have a terrific job, great friends, and a whole life ahead of you. Don't be afraid to step out and live life to the fullest, with or without a boyfriend. No one else is going to make you happy. You have to be there in your head first, then when you become involved in a relationship it will be a much fuller, richer experience and you won't base your whole life around something very unstable and temporary.
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