I really am not sure how to start this, but here it goes.. Me & My boyfriend have been together for 7 months. We have been best friends for 9 years. He is almost 18, and I'm soon to be 16. Me & my boyfriend dated last summer but I was recovering from a nasty break up so I put it on hold until I was ready. But his mom and step dad never talk to me or ask me about how I am doing. They are never interested in getting to know me. My boyfriend is over my house a lot and he knows my parents very well, he's also been over for dinner and he makes himself comfortable. (that's a wonderful feeling that he can do that) Anyway, whenever I go to his house, they don't invite me inside, they don't talk to me, and if they do it's only because it includes my boyfriend. Behind my back his parents say mean things about me to my boyfriend and if he tries to back me up, he gets in trouble. His step dad said this to him about me "I hope she's on the pill!" They only let him see me for an hour a day. I can only call once for 15 minutes. We sadly go behind their back and talk when they aren't home and sometimes he can stay for longer than an hour, but only 2 hours. It's horrible. They hate me. It breaks my heart because I just keep trying and trying with them. I try to go out of my way for them and it only makes things worse. They think I'm a W****, but if they only would get to know me.. then they'd see who I really am. I've been through so much in my life.. I had an abusive boyfriend and my family on one side of relation doesn't wany anything to do with me. But they'll never know me, because they never try. They keep me and my boyfriend apart and I hate it. His mom tells him to find a girlfriend his age, but he's had one and they didn't like her either. It wouldn't matter who I am or what my age is, they still wouldn't accept me. It tears us apart and I love him so much. I really really need help with this. He's afraid he's going to lose me and I don't want that. I want to be with him with all of my heart, but I need some help on how to deal with his parents. Please help me..
Posts: 41 | From: Michigan,USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Stephanie03: He is almost 18, and I'm soon to be 16.
Well, let's take this piece by piece here.
First of all, we have an inherent Age of Consent problem. Michigan's AOC is 16, which means that any contact between the you and your boyfriend right now is not legal. When you turn 16 you'll clear that hurdle, but until then you're going to run him into serious trouble if you pursue the relationship. So at least on that end, his parents are right to want to keep you apart.
Which doesn't make things any easier, I know. Parents are always tryign to impose some rules or regulations on their children, and it's never ideal when those rules shut you out. But there really isn't much you can do about it. If he still lives at home he is still bound by their rules. And if those rules include not letting you in the house, so be it.
You did mention that he is allowed to come to your place...so why not rely on that once you've turned 16? It seems like your parents don't mind having him around, so at least you two would have that going for you. And I'd recommend that over sneaking around at his place...if you do that and get caught, you can kiss your chances of ever being accepted by his parents goodbye. That would be a nightmare scenario for you, so please don't do it.
Something else that I think is important to note is the fact that history repeats itself. You've mentioned that you had an abusive boyfriend in the past, and while there seem to be no traces of it here, I'd be very wary of you walking into situations that are not healthy for you. Often times we seem to walk into the same sort of situations over and over again. This is why you will sometimes see victims of abuse seek out the same sort of people that got them in trouble in the first place. I want to make sure that you are steering clear of situations that could get you into trouble, but that is what I see going on here...so I think you need to think long and hard about where this is getting you, and what you are getting out of it. This whole cycle of victimhood can be broken, but you need to take charge of your life and make smart decisions before you can do that. And part of making smart decisions would be not violating parents' rules, including sneaking around their place when they are out.
You've got lots of time here, dear. This boy isn't going to disappear into thin air, and chances are things will change as time goes by and both of you mature. Sometimes parents who are noticeably hostile towards their child's mate at one point pull out of that over time, so there is always that chance. Just make sure you don't ruin it by overtly breaking their rules! Take your time, think this one out, and let us know how it goes.
I'm sorry if this is at all rude. But the most important aspect here of my post is that I never said I was walking into another danger zone of an abusive boyfriend. He's been my best friend for over 9 years, I think I know him well enough to know that I'm NOT walking into a situation like that EVER again. I'm not dumb enough to do it a second time. And we are NOT sneaking around behind his parents back. We don't break the rules. On the plus side. Me being near 16 and in Michigan, I am allowed to be with him with the consent of my parents. And like I said before, it wouldn't matter my age or who I am, they still wouldn't accept me. Anytime that I go to his place, his parents are well aware that I'm there. We are never together when they aren't home. It is seriously hard to explain the complete situation to you when you don't see it yourself in person. Because it's not just me that they don't treat very nicely. It's their own sons too. My parents are perfectly aware that we are together and they see how his parents treat their son and me and they don't approve of either of it. I would never lie to parents or sneak behind their backs. I'm not like that. So what, he's called me when they weren't home so we could talk a little bit longer. That isn't THAT big of a deal. This situation could be worse, but it's not.
The situation with him is.. He has a half brother that lives with him and their step father isn't either of the boys' fathers. But they spoil the youngest boy and that is just the way it is. He can talk back and not be punished unlike my boyfriend (the oldest boy). He can't stay out past 10, but the younger one can. He can be on the phone longer than the oldest boy. He can go more places, and be there longer than the oldest can. And I'm not just saying this because I'm dating him. I've been friends with these boys for 9 years. I've seen it all. His parents tear him apart. There is more to the reasoning of this, but as you see.. it's not just me that they don't want to see happy, it's him also. Age has nothing to do with it. Trust me. Because it wouldn't matter who I am. They have never liked ANYTHING he has ever done. The youngest boy will and can play all the sports he wants through school, but if my boyfriend does.. it becomes an inconvience. It's insane. So now, maybe this will shed a little more light on what is really going on here. Because it's NOT JUST ME and it's NOT JUST AGE. It's more than that. I'm sorry if it was rude, I just felt a little upset by what you posted and I wanted you to know that this has nothing to do with what you think it does, but maybe I just wasn't clear enough the 1st time.
** I'm not ignorant enough to go through being abused the 2nd time and I'm not a statistic. I MADE IT THROUGH BEING RAPED AND ABUSED.
I re-read that and feel really childish. It makes me wonder if me & him should just tell his parents we broke it off and play bestfriends around them all over again. They treat me a little bit better knowing that I'm just his best friend, but not much better. But I refuse to leave him. I'm sorry, it's my way.. I'm stubborn and in love with him. I wouldn't want it any other way, than being with him. Best friends with us will always equal more than friends. I really don't know what to do. I'm really sorry for replying the way I did. I just lost my head and then cried realizing how insane this is.
quote:Originally posted by Stephanie03: I'm really sorry for replying the way I did. I just lost my head and then cried realizing how insane this is.
That's okay sweetie, I understand you are upset, and I know sometimes things don't come out the way we want. Heck, even my post didn't come out the way I intended. It happens, and your apology is most certainly accepted.
Thank you very much for clarifying things. What threw me the first time was this line:
quote:We sadly go behind their back and talk when they aren't home and sometimes he can stay for longer than an hour, but only 2 hours.
But from the way you describe it, I get the picture that this boy has a fairly rough home life. And while it is sad that he has to go through it, the fact that he is 18 means he can legally leave any time he so desires now. Does he have a job or college plans at all? I'm wondering if maybe things would be better if he were out of the house, and the two of you would be able to spend all time time you want together. Are there any plans out there like that?
You're right, if he treats you well and you are happy together, I don't really see a reason why you'd need to leave him. It is a definite hurdle when one person's parents won't play ball, but your parents seem supportive enough that at least you can have that to back you up. While that may be only a small consolation, it's at least a small something you can hang on to.
Either way, I'm sorry this has to be so hard on you. I hope that things work out in your favor in the end...though with a 9-year friendship, I can't really imagine it working any other way. Take care!
Thank you for accepting my appology. I'm glad that me saying those things and explaining more helped you understand a little bit better about what's going on. Yeah, he has plans for college. But he's not sure when he wants to start. He has a construction job lined up for the summer after he graduates in May. But he's not sure if it's going to go through. The worse part is.. He hasn't gotten his license because he parents won't take him there to take his drivers test and they won't provide him with transportation or even help him as you can see from what I told you about his home life. His dad left when he was young. This step dad of his is the only time his mom has ever been married. My boyfriend's dad left his mom at the alter. And his half brother's dad is dead. I hope you understand that. It's confusing. And my boyfriend (Brad) just found his other half sister. (His dad was with her mom but never married her and he's married to some other woman now & married with a couple kids) So, as you see.. it's crazy. But he has plans for college, but no car and no license yet because his parents owe him over 600 dollars which he's lended to them that they haven't paid back. So, we can't exactly go out unless my mom drives or one of our friends drives. He has plans to go to college for construction & for police/law enforcement. I love him and just keep holding on and telling him that no matter what he choses to do, I'm here. I'm behind him, but I won't lie about how I feel and he doesn't expect me to. He is wonderful. We have turned each other into even more wonderful people than we were before. He amazes me.. ALL of the time. haha, okay.. so.. life couldn't be sweeter with him. But it'd be nice if his parents liked me.. but you understand. I just wish I really knew how to handle them, but I don't. I just need a little more advice I guess.. all I can get.
I am going through the SAME thing only i'm 18 and my boyfriend is 16 and his parents don't like me at all and he is thinking about breaking up with me cuz his mom wants to put a restraining order on me ... she doesn't even know me! its very depressing... so if you want to talk please [say something in this thread, but don't AIM me because for safety's sake we aren't allowed to give contact info here!] Maybe we can help eachother through it.
[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 04-24-2004).]
Posts: 1 | From: Lexington, South Carolina, USA | Registered: Apr 2004
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You mentioned that your boyfriend's parents also didn't like another girlfriend he had that was his own age?
Perhaps their actual problem isn't with you, but that they haven't learnt to accept that their son is an adult now, capable of making his own choices, and that he will become involved with girls.
I know it might not seem all that helpful, but try not to take it personally. While their attitude now obviously causes you problems, in time his parents will have to realise that their son is no longer a child, and will most likely not have as much power to dictate how he spends his time.
Oh stephanie you are such a trooper!!!!!! your boyfriend's situation sounds very similar to my boyfriends when he was younger. (except we were a little bit older when we got together so we had no parent troubles) but the whole step dad thing my boyfriend can definatly relate to. Oh Darling Hang in there and don't give up on him things will turn out you'll see as much as it does'nt appear to at the momment.....IT WILL.
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