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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Being friends with an old flame- possible?

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Author Topic: Being friends with an old flame- possible?
Member # 14592

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I'm really sorry about the length, I just need to get this off my chest. Advice is very much appreciated...vague sympathetic noises are good too...

I'm 16 and I met my first boyfriend last summer. I'm bisexual, and I'd had two girlfriends, but he was the first guy I ever fell for. And I fell HARD. I really did love him, and I still feel like he loved me.

He was the first guy I ever slept with (I had sex with my girlfriend) and he lost his virginity to me. We talked about it and both felt ok about it. Alas, about a week and a half after we had sex, he broke up with me, saying he wasn't ready for how serious this had gotten and he wanted to just be friends. He said he did want to get back together with me after he'd grown up some.

He said from the beginning that it was the emotional, not the physical, that freaked him out.

A few weeks after that, we started being friends with benefits. Another bad idea- I seriously misjudged my ability to sleep with someone I loved while someone else got to be his "real" girlfriend.

I talked with him once about how I felt like second best, that I was just around as long as no one else was. He assured me that wasn't the case, that he still loved me, and that he just wasn't ready for a relationship with me yet. I believed him, and we slept together on what would have been our three month anniversary.

About a month after that, he told me that he was back with the girl he dated before me and that he wanted to just be friends with me.

I didn't take it that well. I got sucked into the whole, "Well it's either be friends and not have sex or have sex..." real hard choice for a lonely lovesick teenage girl! Bad combo, by the way.

We haven't talked since the last fight we had in October. Four months ago. I cried every day for WEEKS. I'd break down in the middle of classes, I'd nearly go into hysterics when I heard songs on the radio. It sucked. Really, really badly. I had horrible nightmares about him. I was seriously strung out over him.

Last week, he IMed me on aim. Saying that he felt the way our friendship ended was wrong and that he wanted to fix it. I was kind of cold to him, but I didn't want to make him defensive. I told him I wasn't exactly sure of his motives and that I was willing to try to work it out and be friends again, but I wasn't going to just let him waltz back into my life. He said he wasn't, that he really did want to fix it and to trust him.

I said that may very well be the case, but that I had trusted his words when his actions told me differently and that just "trust me" was SOOO not going to fly!

We talked a few times after that. Just joked around and stuff like we used to. He's still with the girl he left me for..which I'm trying very very hard not to think about... It was nice to be just be able to talk to him again. To know we could manage some semblance of conversation without killing each other.

Last Friday the 13th, I finally couldn't stand it anymore and said, "How long are we not going to talk about what we're not talking about?" He said if I wanted to talk about it to go ahead, that he had been waiting for me to bring it up.

We talked about what happened and why he made a runner for it after we had sex too soon. It turned out that his mom read a really bitchy email I'd sent him and found out we'd had sex and forbade him to talk to me. That is perfectly possible- his mom REALLY does not like me and I can't stand her. I have some "issues"- I'm a cutter and I used to be anorexic. He admitted to me though that his mom just gave him the perfect excuse to not have to face me again or have to really think about what happened.

I'm not over him. I am not even close to over him. Every time I think about him I feel like someone just jabbed a live wire in my heart. We talked about what would happen if we ever picked up any kind of relationship again, just casual sex no strings attached, or a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I told him that we had tried the friends with benefits, and that it didn't work out too well for either of us. He agreed that it had been a mistake, and that he was sorry he hadn't seen how much it hurt me, even though I HAD agreed to it.

I asked him if he'd ever consider getting back together and he said that he honestly didn't know, that it would depend on what happened with his girlfriend. Given that's the only thing I could have imagined him saying with total honesty, that made me feel better.

I just don't know if I can be friends with him. Just because I know it'd be a bad idea to do anything even remotely involved with him doesn't mean I don't REALLY REALLY REALLY want to!

I'm just very scared I'm going to get hurt again. He knows me better than my best friends, parents, and therapists combined. If he wanted to hurt me he could. Even if he just decided that he didn't "really" want to make a stab at this, it would hurt like hell.

He means alot to me. I care about him. I always did. I know he still cares about me- otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to listen to me explain how I felt and try to work it out with me. He has changed SO much. He used to be so arrogant, and he'd flirt with a fencepost if it smiled at him. You would have to beat him to death with a stick and then poke at him while he rotted before he would admit he was wrong.

I felt better about what happened than I ever had when he admitted that it was partly his fault and partly mine. Which I totally agree with...I had just felt like it had been all my fault and after hearing that from him, I could let go of that.
Which is a nice feeling, lemme tell you!

I'm just scared he means too much. I'm scared the more we start to really be friends again the more I'm going to fall for him. I don't steal boyfriends I know are taken. I've been cheated on one too many times myself to put anyone else through that.

I'm scared I'm going to get hurt again. Help?


Posts: 65 | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2971

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I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think it's time that you severed ties with this guy.

It sounds to me like he hasnt been treating you fairly from the beginning. You deserve to be with someone who is ready and willing to give as much as you are, not someone who is not prepared to make a commitment.

Falling in love with someone who is unavailable to you is really hard, and seeing them happy with someone else only makes it harder, which is why I suggest letting him go. It's much easier to finally move on when the person who you love, but who is hurting you is out of the picture.

Of course you want to be near him and have him in your life, but I think that it sounds like the chances of him hurting you, are a lot higher then the chances of him loving you back the way you loved him.

On the note that you're a cutter, you may want to check out this thread in support groups.

Consciously Naive

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~

Posts: 1747 | From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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