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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Losing my best friend

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Author Topic: Losing my best friend
duelist
Neophyte
Member # 14471

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Hey, all. I'm in a bit of a situation here.

My best friend (and ex girlfriend) has begun flirting with a good friend of ours. He has a crush on her, has asked her out, and she rejected him. But she flirts with him now, gives him the wrong idea, and confuses him. I told her that I didn't think what she was doing was right, and said basically that I was telling her this because I knew what it felt like to be toyed with. I then proceeded to give her a list of examples of how she messed with my head after we broke up, and that it was extremely unfair to me.

Needless to say, she's extremely angry at me right now. She says that I don't know how she really feels about him, that she's falling for him a little but because he's one of my best friends she won't go out with him (which in my view makes the flirting all the more unfair, it'll lead to nothing). A bunch of other things came up, like how I'm hard to be around because one second I'm nice to her and the next I'm not.

I replied telling her exactly why I act like that around her. I was really 100% honest and poured my whole heart in the letter, saying that it was no excuse really but I act cold around her sometimes because I'm afraid of getting too close and being hurt again.

I don't really know what she thought of this, because her next e-mail was two lines saying that she'll take what I said into consideration, that she's sorry, and "goodbye." Goodbye?! It was hard enough losing my girlfriend, I don't want to lose my best friend too. Should I tell her that? Should I reply and ask her to talk about it with me when she's ready? I really don't know what to do here…any advice would be appreciated.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask how long it's been since your breakup?
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duelist
Neophyte
Member # 14471

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It's been a little over seven months. I even uprooted my very old post about her, in case it's at all relevant: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/003992.html

Thanks.

[This message has been edited by duelist (edited 01-05-2004).]


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Heather
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So, long enough to have some space.

I can sympathize: I married my best frind of ten years a buncha years back, and when we split, I lose his friendship as well, which was just awful. It still makes me sad.

However, I figure given how long we were friends for, and how friendships work, it may be temporary, even though we haven't spoken now in over a year.

Point is this: you KNOW you can't be objective about this, that's why you're relating so strongly to this guy. So, I'd suggest calling a truce, unless you feel you can't be her friend given her behaviour, and that is worth thinking about. She may change her tune in time and start aqcting differently and managing her affairs a little more maturely, so it could be that a year or two from now your friendship works better for you.

And even though it's been seven months, since you two were romantically involved, chances are it's going to take a lot longer for her not to feel wary of your motives in discussing her romantic/sexual behaviour with her, that's just human nature. So, might not be a bad idea to make that topic be something you visit only when she initiates it for a bit?

(It should be added that flirting really can be a means to an end all by itself, and shouldn't be seen as instigating anything BUT flirting some of the time. In other words, a person can flirt and want to pursue nothing else. On the other hand, a person can do that a lot because they like to be pursued without giving anything over and losing the control, too, a possibility given her history as you've posted it.)


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Annie Juliet
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Member # 5776

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Hey Duelist, ok so your friend likes your best friend but they won’t let anything happen because of you… but, does it bother you if they are together??

quote:
Originally posted by duelist:
Goodbye?! It was hard enough losing my girlfriend, I don't want to lose my best friend too. Should I tell her that? Should I reply and ask her to talk about it with me when she's ready?

Absolutely!! You and your best friend are obviously both feeling hurt and confused about everything that is going on. My advice would be to try to convince her to talk to you about what she’s feeling. You told her how you were feeling and I think you should try to talk things out with her. Absolutely tell her that you don’t want to lose her and that she means a lot to you… I can’t speak for all girls but I know from my experience it means a lot to me when my best friend tells me that he cares about me. Try and get her to talk to you tell her that you care about her but also give her some space and time. You don't want her to feel smothered.
Hope this helps some.
Best of luck!!
Annie Juliet


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duelist
Neophyte
Member # 14471

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Miz Scarlet: Thank you, I never thought of flirting that way, just doing it for the sake of it. I just thought it was wrong on her part since she had rejected him already. If she were just flirting with him but he hadn't asked her out, I would have been just plain jealous, but wouldn't have found anything especially wrong with it.

Annie Juliet: It isn't both of them who aren't letting anything happen because of me, it's just her. Reason being, none of our immediate friends knew about our relationship. I guess I should have made that clear, haha.

Well, as of know I think what I'll do is combine your advice…tell her I care and give her some time, but ultimately propose a truce. Thanks a lot for your help.


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