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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » A "break" verses a "break up"

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Author Topic: A "break" verses a "break up"
Member # 11135

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Neros_Neptune     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello this may be somewhat long.

First off I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, at least friends for two years, and more for a year and a half. We were/are very serious and had lots of plans.

Lately he has lots of problems.. his mom is suicidal, his parents are divorcing, he is still in school. I'm also in therapy but am doing MUCH better, which is good. So all in all he has a LOT on his plate right now and is very confused.

First he says he still loves me as a friend, but not more than that, that his feelings have changed. After talking to him for a while he says his feelings haven't changed, he still loves me, but isn't ready for a relationship. I'm trying to handle this responsibly and not let it get me too down, he says that we will get back together just to give him time. The problem is that this break isn't effecting my well being very well (can't eat or sleep, normal sad things), and that can be expected. My idea was not to speak to him at all for a week and that would give him time to at least figure out if he loved me, or which way rather and if he is ready or not.

I just.. I dunno I'm sad but I'm trying very hard to handle it, I do love him so much, he's my best friend and more than that, he's the person who lets me the be me the most, he helps my inner child in a way no one else does, it's all so beautiful when it works. But I realize all he has to deal with right now and I can't be so selfish.. was the week of not talking a good idea? Do people sometimes need "breaks" and which they DO get back together?

My first relationship ended at christmas too, two years ago. I don't want another to end at christmas. I talk to him again christmas night, I hope things are worked out some, but yeah those were my questions.. and of course any other advice people have is great.

I sent him a christmas package of film for his filmmaking and a coffee mixture in a mason jar with pretty paper and directions to make it. I also sent him photographs of us together, photographs of me, and some photographs I took just as art. Also a letter saying I hope he has had some time to think for himself, but remember me as well and wish him well.

I'm not forcing him to love me, it's impossible to force someone to do that anyways, I'll be there for him as always, he does love me at least in some form (best friend, etc), but right now I do understand how a relationship would be hard to deal with. At the same time I do want it, and yeah, just those questions about is the break a good idea, even if it is only a week, and do people take breaks like this and get back together. I really do not want to lose him, but if it's what he needs, then it's what he needs. Even with that he says it won't be forever... I don't know I'm just upset and rambling more or less to pass the time and the hurt.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3072

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I'm sorry you're having to go through this right now. It's no fun dealing with this under normal operating conditions, but I know how the holidays can compound things. Keep your head above water, okay?

I wish I had something better to say on this topic. We see it quite frequently, and I've never seen it be anything other than a case of one person not wanting to break the other's heart by saying "It's over." I'm sure it's worked out that way before, and I'm sure there are people out there who dated for a while, took a week off, and got back together for good. We just don't see very many least not ones with long-term success rates. I'm sorry the news isn't better.

Two years at this stage of the game is a very long time, and it's about the point when things get complicated. The question goes from "what new things can we try?" to "how can we make the old things seem new again?" It's a tough transition to make, and most people don't make it. It's a fact of relationship life, albeit a sad one. While none of us know what exactly is going on in his head, it would not be all that farfetched to imagine a scenario like that playing itself out live and in stereo here. I'd certainly hope that's not the case, but I'd be remiss if I didn't advise you to expect the worst out of this.

You've said it yourself, he's got plate full of problems right now. With all that, it's exceptionally difficult to try and put full effort into a relationship. I think it's very good of you to give him the space he needs, and I also think it's good of him to communicate that need to you rather than work himself away slowly and spring it on you all of a sudden.

The "feelings have changed" line though, that's a problem. You see, feelings can change one way and they can change another way...but it's usually not a good thing when they do. There's always a chance that they'll change back to what they were before; but I've never seen that happen. As sad as I am to have to say it, I would not get my hopes up if I were you.

I don't know anything about this "inner child" business. My inner child was expelled for piss-poor behavior when I was 14, so who knows. I do know, however, that certain people can bring out the best in us. I'm glad you've had the experience of meeting someone who made you happy, and I'd like to offer you the glimmer of hope that there are others out there too. It isn't going to seem like it now...hell, it may take months to realize it; but if this fails to work itself out, there will be someone else right around the bend for you. That's how life works. When one train leaves the station, the next one is never far behind. (And thank goodness for that, since I'd be late for work otherwise)

Right now, you're doing the right thing by backing off. He's made it clear that things are different and that he needs his space...and if I were you I'd fight that knot in your stomach and work on rebuilding a life of your own. All too often we sacrifice our own lives (usually unwittingly) while we pour everything into a relationship. Now is a great time for you to look at your own life and see where you can improve things all by yourself. If he calls you while you're doing that and asks you out again, that's your choice whether you will take him or now. If he doesn't, fine, you're working on your own life and are perfectly capable of living it yourself anyway. This is a rotten time, yes, but it need not be the end of days. Keep yourself busy, keep your chin up, and don't let yourself have idle time. (It's the Devil's Playground, you know!)

If you need anything, why not stop by here? If there's anything we're good at, it's being a pleasant diversion for those who seek a temporary escape from their own lives! Take care of yourself, darlin'. And please come on back if you need anything.

BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

¡Siendo padrote no es cil!

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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