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Author Topic: Does this make me a loser??
lunbox24
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Ok, before you judge me, you should know. I'm an 18 year old male and I haven't had many girlfriends or anything like that. I've dated a couple girls but thats it. The most i've ever done is make out with a chick. Now im a pretty good looking guy not to sound arrogant, but I feel like a total loser because I'm 18, have pretty much done nothing with a chick, while 14 and 15 year olds are off having sex. I feel stupid because of this. Should I? I don't think its because I'm not ready, I just really haven't had the chance to. But being an 18 year old and this abstinance make me feel like a big jerkoff...I don't know what to think. Help.
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MarvellousPurple
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quote:
I feel stupid because of this. Should I?

Nope. Trust me, I know plenty of 20+ year olds who haven't had any kind of sex yet--I promise, it's nothing to worry about, and it doesn't make you a loser.

People (esp. in high school) tend to overrepresent how much sex they're having by a lot, so chances are, *not* very many 14-and 15- year olds are having sex. Honestly, you're probably still in the majority. (Though i don't know statistics on that...)

So: nothing to worry about. Just wait until you're ready (which includes finding a suitable partner!), don't rush things.

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put your hands on the wheel, let the golden age begin
let the window down, feel the moonlight on your skin
let the desert wind cool your aching head
let the weight of the world drift away instead

these days, i barely get by. i don't even try.


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pisces
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Why should you feel like a loser because you're less sexually experienced than someone else? The opportunity to have sex doesn't just magically appear whenever you think you're ready-- because it involves another person. It's a combination of what you want in a partner, finding that partner, and both of you being emotionally, pysically, and financially ready to have sex.

If you haven't had the chance to, then you haven't met the right person yet, and that's nothing to feel stupid over. My partner didn't kiss anyone until he was 19. Everyone's different. Making different choices than another person is no reason to feel stupid, and comparing yourself to others really doesn't accomplish much-- it's a personal decision.

Having or not having sex doesn't make you a loser. There's no hurry-- really. I know it can feel like there's a certain age at which you should have done x, y, and z, but there really isn't.


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Milke
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I'm going to agree with pisces and MarvellousPurple, and send this to Relationships, where it's better suited. Topics in that don't have to be about currently existing relationships, they can be about ones we do or don't want to have, or how we feel about them in general.

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Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

. . .Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach


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MusicFan
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As all the other posters indicated, you are definitely not a loser because you haven't had sex. Sex isn't a "contest" to see how much you can have. Sex is about quality, not quantity, and I think you're pretty smart to want to wait until the right person comes along. If that person is right for you, then sex will be of high quality, which would be much better than if you hadn't waited and had a lot of sex just to have sex.

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<--I like Kayley!-->

[This message has been edited by MusicFan (edited 12-10-2003).]


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Gspot
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Of course you shouldn't... i think it's on the fact of finding the right person or not. I, at 15, believe i found the right person and i shared that with him. But you obviously are ready, just haven't found that someone that is worthy of having you - if you catch my drift- i wouldn't feel like a loser, it's no big deal. Im sure that person is right in front of your eyes.

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~I fiddlesticked up then, but i am feeling it now~

[Language rules do not magically change when your post ends and your signature begins]

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 12-10-2003).]


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CGeek2k
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lunbox24 - Im in the same boat man. Im 18 and a half. Ive dated 1 girl in my life and I kissed her three times. I just cant find someone I connect with that, in turn, connects with me. There are 6 billion people in the world. The odds are pretty good that there will be someone out there for each of us.
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lunbox24
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I mean, thats great that everyone is making me feel better but still, 18 seems old now a days to still be a virgin. I mean, honestly, the age of losing it is getting lower and lower. I wouldn't care as much if I didn't hear it at school and stuff. I mean, its important that I find that special girl to share it with, while it seems like people in my school don't give a damn who they lose it to, stranger or not. I just hate how sex is thrown around so much these days. I mean, I'm not saying wait for marriage or anyhting like that, I'm saying if I found the right girl, and we were in love, then it would happen. I think sex is supposed to be affection between two people who are lovers, and it would be that much more special if you were lovers instead of some chick i met at a party. believe me, there are so many times where I would love to say screw this, its too much pressure. But I guess iI realize thats not the type of guy I am, as much as I want to be, in a way. These are my thoughts I guess, if you think differently....whatever. I think I have a good grasp on what sex should be. It doesn't mean im trying to preach it to you though.
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Milke
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On a practical level, the things a couple need most before becoming sexually active are mutual respect and a sense of personal responsibility. Love's great, and is necessary for some people, but others are happy with casual sex, or sex with someone who's more a friend than a lover.

And the thing is, well . . . virginity, or lack thereof, really doesn't mean all that much. Virgins don't have something people who have had sex don't other than the worry and danger that tends to come with unsafe sex, but then again, sex doesn't have to be like that. And it's not like someone's who's had sex gains magical powers, or grows a set of wings or anything neat like that, it's just that they've had an experience not all of their peers have. Then again, the same is true of someone who joins the military or takes up bee keeping

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Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

. . .Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by lunbox24:
I mean, honestly, the age of losing it is getting lower and lower.

Is it? Or is the age in which people start lying about it getting lower and lower?

Honestly my friend, why worry about others? If we were all to try and keep up with those around us, we'd just give ourselves a heart attack. Rather than do all that, why not keep things simple and do what's best for you?

It never fails to amaze me what a foreign concept that can be to us, but the ability to identify and seek out things that are best for us amidst a sea of what everyone else is doing is about as important a concept as there is. Different people are ready for different things at different times, and it's all about finding out what works for you and sticking to it.

There are plenty of people out there who are just like you, who don't "throw sex around," who believe it is to be shared between lovers. If you keep looking, you will find that person. Just keep your chin up, bud.

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BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

Siendo padrote no es fcil!


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Sunny_Dayz
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sweetie,

Don't you worry about it. It'll happen for you. You will find someone out there that you connect with. remember...it's NOT a race, when it happens it happens. Try not to feel rushed or panicked.

Many of my friends feel like they need to loose thier virginity rite NOW, because "everyone eles" is.

Don't be like everyone else. Just do what feels right to you, at this moment

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* * * * * * * * * * *
* S U N N Y D A Y S *
* * * * * * * * * * *


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Heather
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Just as a factoid, the age when people are having first intercourse, if that's what you're referrinng to, is NOT getting lower and lower. In fact, over the last few centuries, it's gotten higher and higher. Same goes for even the last few decades.

Do remember that for much of history, most people married and started families FAR younger than they do now. While you're still in high school, many of your female ancestors even just 200 years ago were having their first babies and that was NOT a scandal; it was the norm.

Based on a few *reliable* sources (which are not what peers tell each other -- because, as we mention often here, MOST teens are not honest about their lack of sexual experience), at the present time, the average age for fiirst intercourse globally is around 16 for boys and 17 for girls.

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Heather Corinna
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My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
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trendebonita04
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you are not a loser for not giving in to wat the world is doing. if everyone jumps off a cliff are you? i don't think so or hope u won't. keeping ur absitence is a great gift u can give to the girl you love
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lunbox24
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I just feel like one because I'm going to go off to college, and it always seems like people have cool stories about what happened in highschool, their sex lives. Then me, i got nothing. There is one thinkg that makes me feel better when i think about it though: women. I hope women won't judge me because I haven't and I hope that women would rather have a guy like me with my character and thoughts and values then some guy who just has casual sex with mad women. Am I right ladies? Or am I way off?

[This message has been edited by lunbox24 (edited 12-11-2003).]


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Milke
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You're assuming everyone with a uterus thinks with the same mind, and in that, you're wrong.

Some women are into sexual experimentation, others want someone who's inexperienced, others don't really care about what guys have been up to, because they'd rather be with another woman, and yet others (like me) are just plain apathetic, and don't care either way. And having casual sex doesn't make anyone 'mad' unless they're being irresponsible about it, so please don't be damning one thing in an effort to feel better about the alternative.

------------------
Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

. . .Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach


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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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No, women shouldn't JUDGE, but everyone has their preferences. The way I see it, whoever you're with is whoever you're with..people shouldn't be judged on their sexual encounters and experience. I mean, some of the best people (even not as lovers but just friends) don't have many if any sexual encounters to brag about...
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clarinetgoddess
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So you don't have any stories to share about your sex life. So what? Neither do I. There are more important (and, IMHO, more interesting) things to talk about. For example, I play in an advanced jazz ensemble, and I think what I have to share about that is more entertaining than if I had a sex life and cared to share all the details.

I know what you're saying when you talk about how young people are when they start having sex. Doesn't mean they enjoyed it, and it certainly doesn't make them better than anyone else. I have a sister who is a freshman in high school (14). She has four girlfriends who have had sex but are completely miserable because of it; one is probably pregnant. We don't know anything at that age, and anything we think we know is probably glorified garbage anyway. You are eighteen and you know better.

You probably still feel like you're a loser after all everyone's said, but the way I look at it, everything everyone's said is meaningful and is as close to the right answer as we can get with opinions. The time comes at different paces for everyone, and it doesn't mean anyone's better than or beneath you. It happens when it happens and there's no reason to think one way or another about it.

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Amanda, "The Clarinet Goddess"
Supportin' a bad football team since 2001


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-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by clarinetgoddess:
I have a sister who is a freshman in high school (14). She has four girlfriends who have had sex but are completely miserable because of it; one is probably pregnant. We don't know anything at that age, and anything we think we know is probably glorified garbage anyway. You are eighteen and you know better.

Let's keep in mind that being fourteen doesn't automatically make one stupid or even ignorant. There are plenty of intelligent fourteen year olds roaming about, some of them having safe, sane and consensual sex.

Just as being fourteen doesn't make guarantee sexual misery, being eighteen doesn't convey any helpful knowledge. There are incredibly intelligent people at every age, just as there are complete morons. Most of us fall in between but we still don't get to judge or make generalizations.

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"Don't you know about the new fashion, honey? All you need are looks and a whole lot of money." -- Billy Joel, "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"


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MCJoel
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quote:
Originally posted by ookuotoe:
There are plenty of intelligent fourteen year olds roaming about, some of them having safe, sane and consensual sex.

(...)There are incredibly intelligent people at every age, just as there are complete morons. Most of us fall in between but we still don't get to judge or make generalizations.


I think that the whole idea bout waiting to have sex and take things more calmly is meant to take this step when one is more responsible, mature and one knows oneself better. I believe 14 is a time of many confusions, when many things are going on which make us feel different and sometimes even troubled. Sex at this age is a decision taken in a hurry, without really looking at things in perspective, something I think one can do at a later age. I guess Im being a bit judgemental but this is just to say that I think waiting is a wise thing to do, considering that everything sex involves (partners, STDs, unwanted pregnancies) is better dealt with when a more mature attitude is adopted.

[This message has been edited by MCJoel (edited 12-14-2003).]


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lunbox24
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quote:
Originally posted by Milke:

And having casual sex doesn't make anyone 'mad' unless they're being irresponsible about it, so please don't be damning one thing in an effort to feel better about the alternative.

[/B]


What are you even talking about? When I say 'mad', I use it as a slang term like meaning a lot of women. I'm not actually saying the women are mad because they are having casual sex or whatever you were insinuating so I'm not damning anything thank you very much.


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by lunbox24:
When I say 'mad', I use it as a slang term like meaning a lot of women.

And that, my dear friend, is why we don't like slang on these boards. Keep in mind that not all people here are quite as knowledgeable as you are in terms of what the word "mad" means in given situations. It's a term that really doesn't mean much out here in the Pacific Time Zone. Now, if I walked around calling you a "grommie," you'd probably feel just as confused.

So here's what we'll do. We'll stick to plain English, and call it even. Sound good?

------------------
BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

Siendo padrote no es fcil!


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The Shy One
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I too am in a similar situation. I'm a 19 year old female and I've only kissed. I just finished my first semester of University and was worried about what people would think. Turns out that out of my group of close friends only 1 of us has had sex. I'm not the only one who hasn't gone past kissing.

However, I still have my worries. I feel like I get overlooked as girlfriend potential when guys know that I've never had a serious boyfriend. I feel like they don't want to be a girl's first (and I don't just mean intercourse, that applies to manual/oral too) and I suppose there could be many reasons for that. I feel I'm ready to have a serious relationship, but when I think about things down the road I get really nervous thinking about first sexual experiences and that is understandable but I kinda feel like it's hindered me in the past.


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clarinetgoddess
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quote:
Originally posted by ookuotoe:
Let's keep in mind that being fourteen doesn't automatically make one stupid or even ignorant. There are plenty of intelligent fourteen year olds roaming about, some of them having safe, sane and consensual sex...

I'm sorry for generalizing so much, but that's how things always seem to go at my high school. I was not implying that all people are geniuses or idiots at whatever age, nor that all fourteen-year-olds have no concept of reality. I certainly did when I was fourteen, and if I did, then it's plenty likely that a lot of other people do/did.

Perhaps I should have clarified more what I was saying, and I would now, but honestly that was not the main point of what I was saying, so this should do. Again, my apologies.

------------------
Amanda, "The Clarinet Goddess"
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Bass Clarinet, 1st Chair in Concert Band

"My deodorant is not working!" --Something the drum major should not say

[This message has been edited by clarinetgoddess (edited 12-15-2003).]


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Olive
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I'd say certain areas are more likely for a younger age. Here in the Bay Area of California there are many many teens having sex to my knowledge. I have met a few people who waited til they were at least 18 but most people I know started at around 14/15. When I see the age getting younger and younger it really angers me because how could a 12 or 13 year old be ready for sex? I really don't think they have any idea what they are getting into until it's too late. I honestly think if people waited til they were completely ready to take responsibility the world would be safer because the STD's/STI's wouldn't be ciculating so young. And most young teens don't care about being safe, I don't know why. I heard a 14-year-old say "I don't like condoms so I don't use them." And she was having sex with older guys in about their 20's; its truely disguisting.
So Honestly you may not know it but LunBox84 your really helping yourself by waiting. And you are no where near being a loser either.

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Anita18
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quote:
Originally posted by The Shy One:
I too am in a similar situation. I'm a 19 year old female and I've only kissed.

However, I still have my worries. I feel like I get overlooked as girlfriend potential when guys know that I've never had a serious boyfriend...I feel I'm ready to have a serious relationship, but when I think about things down the road I get really nervous thinking about first sexual experiences.


You and me both. I hadn't even kissed a boy until I was 19 (less than a year ago), and I'm still with the same guy. My lack of experience certainly didn't stop him from asking me out, LOL, but how would a guy know just by looking at you anyway? If he's good boyfriend material, he wouldn't judge you by the amount of experience you've had. And have faith - he'll come along.

As for first sexual experiences, a friend (who's had a TON more experience than me) gave me some good advice: Don't do anything until you're sure you're comfortable. She told me how she regrets doing some things too early, and that should't happen to anyone. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. And if it feels right, you won't be nervous. Trust me. (My bf has more experience than me, but he's been more nervous than I am )

And as for you, lunbox24, you are certainly not a loser for waiting. Waiting is good, and it'll save you a lot of emotional trauma in the end. I know a guy who lost his virginity but wasn't able to enjoy the experience (read: orgasm) since it wasn't at the right time with the right girl.


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purrplestariris
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ok, taking a more worldwide perspective here :P i have many friends who've never even kissed, and i'm 18 so...... my point is, not having sex does not make you a loser. having sex for the wrong reasons such as just to lose your virginity, or to please someone etc, does.
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~You*Know*Who~
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Im 18. And I have never done anything outside of hug guys. so dont feel bad. Im a girl by the way if it matters.
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leetle
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Dude, you don't have much to worry about.

You have the confidence, just not the chance. Its not easy to find a girl that you're really into. Its taken me years and I still haven't found one. I've settled for less (somethings a lot less, heh), but in the long run you'll be happier with yourself if you stick it out and wait for a girl you're really into comes along.

Do you have any hobbies or anything? I just started snowboarding. I didn't know so many women are into it. I invited this random girl to go with me to PA tomorrow. Its awesome to find people that are into a sport you're into.


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boycrazy
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no way man!! do you belive in god? if so that could mean that he is still looking for the perfect person for you. trust me, its better to waite then to get your hart broken by someone you thought loved you. in a way your still young to start worring about girls. theres still plenty of time. there is someone out there for you, you just have to waite and find her.
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