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Author Topic: Not sure
julie2222222
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I've tried to start this post like, 3 times, but Im still trying to put my feelings into words so please bear with me...
I love my bf, we've been together for 11 months and have gone through so much but sometimes he DRIVES ME CRAZY!!
The ups and downs in our relationship are so crazy that sometimes I really start to wonder if I DO love him. Like Sunday, we're perfect, we go out to a nice restaurant, go to the park, and then mess around later that night. He breathily whispers "I love you" and all these things. Its wonderful.Its these days where I feel like I couldn't be with anyone else. Skip to yesterday. He calls me and asks me to go to the park with him and his sister (which was something that I had wanted to do for awhile.)I told him that I still had another class, and he says they can wait for me. I head to their house, we mess around while we wait on his little sister, who fell asleep, to wake up. After we were done, I go to the restroom, he knocks on the door and tells me he'll be right back. I walk out into his room and look out the window and realize my car is missing. I call his cell, I ask him "where is he?" he wont tell me, ask him "where is my car?!" he wont tell. I HATE THAT! When he comes back, I tell him straight out that he cannot just take my car and head out without telling me. Later, when we go to the park, hes helping his cousin do math, and then he goes off to play with his little sister. I take over and help his cousin. Later, my bf's like "so dont you think he got it?", we hear his cousin in the background "help", bfs like "guess not." and then gives me a look.

Heres my point after all the rambling. I just wish he were a little more easygoing. He gets pissed off so easily. Sometimes I feel trapped because I cant tell him anything because it pisses him off. Then again, I figure "well, who really wants to hear all of the bad sides of themselves?" but its just frustrating sometimes to deal with a guy whos so hectic and frequently arrogant. I mean, I tend to get bored easily, and maybe this is why Ive stayed with him so long. We really do have a great relationship over all and whenever something happens to either one of us, we tell the other. But how do I tell a guy like this to change?


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aroseisarose
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I don't think you can expect your boyfriend, or anyone else, for that matter, to change just because you tell them to. However, you might be able to get through to him if you talk about it in the context of your relationship.

You WILL have to talk about it if you want to save your relationship; I don't think there is any way around that. What you might want to do is catch him while he's in a good mood and talk to him then. That might be hard to do, because I can see you wouldn't want to ruin the good atmosphere. However, you will have to confront him about it. Obviously, it's a way of his, and he probably doesn't consciously notice that he's acting in a way that makes you feel bad.

I think you did a good job of putting your feelings in writing. You included an example of when you found your relationship to be going well, and then an example of when your boyfriend's actions frustrated you. When (if?) you choose to talk to him about it, it would be great to point out some instances when he did the frustrating thing, so if he asks, you're not just like "I dunno, lots of times" or something similar.

Alternatively, you can talk to him right when he does something that frustrates you. Ask him why he did it and how it made you feel.

By talking to him about your feelings, you will at least give him a chance to respond and maybe communicate something he hasn't been able to. However, this is all in the best of circumstances. It's unreasonable to tell someone to change, but it is reasonable to ask them to reconsider their behaviour in light of your feelings.

If that doesn't work, maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. Think about whether you would be able to handle his behaviour long-term, if he doesn't make an effort to change his behaviour towards you. You say you have a good relationship overall, but it sounds like this is, in fact, a major issue for you.

So try to work it out, but don't force it, and definitely don't compromise by staying in a relationship you are unsatisfied with.


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julie2222222
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Thanks for your reply!
Yes, I did talk to him today, and we had an hour and a half long conversation. I felt alot better about the whole situation. But I just know that there'll be another time that he'll get mad and I'll end up crying or something. Basically,I tried to tell him (sweetly) that his temper is really hard to take; I told him straight out that I wish he were more easy going. Not to mention, my bf loves the drama, so hes seeks out drama in other areas in his life (not in our relationship THANK GOD). Yet, his melodramatic tendencies are a bit of an opposite for my laid back ones. He was pretty receptive to everything. He KNOWS that it can be difficult, and he just told me that hes tried to make up for it(which he has on different occassions), and that I should never apologize. We talked about different things in his life. That makes me feel so much better about everything because he knows that he needs to work on his temper. In fact, many of his friends tell him that same thing. Anyways, he was just like whenever hes mad, he just needs some time to himself. This is very hard for me because in these instances, all I want to do is help him and calm him down and talk to him.
Hes a little younger than me...maybe its a maturity issue.
I really dont want to lose him. I just feel like if this keeps happening,I eventually wont be able to stay in the relationship. I really dont want this to happen. He means so much to me and I know the feeling's mutual. We've gone through alot and our relationship has just gotten stronger.
I dont know, its hard to weigh pros and cons when the cons seem like things you could "fix" and then make everything better. Your thoughts?

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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by carol9a:
its hard to weigh pros and cons when the cons seem like things you could "fix" and then make everything better.

Idealism is a slippery slope though.

You sure did have a lot of negative things to say about your boyfriend, darlin'. And while I know you were upset, the sort of things you were saying would lead many reasonable people to question your own sanity for staying in this relationship. He blows up at you for no reason? Uncool. He goes places and won't tell you where he is or what he's doing? Not polite. He steals your car and then won't tell you where he is or what he's doing? Not even legal.

Anyone can be "fine" in a relationship when they're "messing around." And I could walk up to you know and "breathily" murmur "I love you" without thinking anything of it. There's far more to it than that, and I think you know that but are unwilling to admit it. Sometimes when we know things are going south, we tend to rationalize why we are staying in certain relationships...like the "we've been through so much" argument that I've used myself over and over again in past relationships. Ditch that logic entirely. When you make that claim, you're essentially saying "It sucks now, but we had good times before." Let the past be the past, and move on to someone who will at least ask before taking your car for a little joyride and doing god-knows-what in it.

It may sound brutal, but if I were you I'd be taking a much harder look at the state of this relationship than you seem willing or able to do. Nobody's perfect, and no relationship is completely free of disagreement...but there are things you've mentioned that seem to cross a rather serious line. And that's a line I'd be completely unwilling to cross in my personal life.

------------------
BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


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