I feel so trappedÖ and confused. I really need some advice
Iím a 20-year-old female. Iíve never had sex, although Iíve received and given oral sex (protected), but either way I consider myself a virgin. My boyfriend, and the only real and long-term relationship Iíve had, is 27 years old. He is much more experienced than me in the sex category as well as in relationships. He is extremely considerate, patient, and our communication is incredibly great. When we met and started dating, more than a year ago, I had told him that I wanted to wait after marriage to have sex. He had absolutely no problems with this at all. But during that time, which was last year, I was very confused on my decision for when to have sex. At that time I had thought that any sex, in other words anything I would define as sex (making love, oral sexÖ) was considered evil and bad before I was married to that person. He was of course stupefied by this, but was very calm about it and we had many long talks about it so he could better understand my reasoning. The reason I thought of those things as evil and bad before marriage is largely due to the way my parents brought me up. Our family is not overly religious, and I tend to be the one that is less religious than others. Anyways, throughout growing up it was basically hammered into me to have sex after marriage and not before. This was mainly put on me by my mother who got married as virgin in her middle 20s. She would constantly scorn and say how stupid girls were that had sex before getting married. Whenever we watch a movie and two adults have sex but are not married she will say how they would always rush into things and give into the craving of sex. It is no wonder from this attitude and my mom and my dad (who actually had sex with a lot of women before marrying my mom), constantly telling me to not have sex before marriage that I would consider anything in the sex category as seemingly bad and evil before getting married. They pressured me into their decisions and I blindly went along in fear of disobeying them, of course during that time I had no experience in long-term relationships or what love was really all about it. They never really had a talk with me about sex, and I never really knew anything about oral sex until a few years ago. After I met my boyfriend and we had conversations about sex and what I was comfortable with, I began to realize that I was living and basing my decisions about sex and my body on my parentís decisions for me. Now I do not think this is fair. It is my body and I believe Iím old enough to make my own decisions if I want to have sex or not. He made me realize that my parents may have not had sex but they were not only kissing and holding hands before getting married.
My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship. He lives in Canada and I live in the U.S. We met online through an online game. He came down to where I live for an interview about 5 months after we started talking online that is when I told my parents that I would like to meet him in person. Of course my parents went ballistics over this. They are extremely over protective parents so of course this didnít settle with them very well. I was able to meet my boyfriend at that time; although I was not allowed to go anywhere alone with him (~sigh~). So basically we talked on the phone a lot while he was visiting. A few months later I told my mom that I would like to date my boyfriend. So we started dating. He came back down to visit during the spring of this year. We did a lot of making out, and we even talked about what I would feel comfortable with so he wouldnít go overboard. Everything went fine, nothing got out of line. This summer I managed to visit him in Canada. Somehow I was able to after, hours, days, and weeks of explaining and letting my parents talk to his parents of me visiting. I had the most wonderful experience ever. This is when we preformed oral sex on each other, and he asked me before we got to that point if it was ok and if I was comfortable. I had to even lie to my parents that I was not sleeping in his room but in a separate room because of fear of them losing it and never being able to see or talk to my boyfriend again Ė this at age 20 as well. After my visit to Canada I did a lot of inner questioning of what I really wanted in life and also some more talking with my boyfriend. I felt like I was ready to have sex but wasnít sure. He told me to not rush into things and that unless my mind, body, and heart were sure about it was not going to happen between us. So I settled with that, but I still thought I was ready to make love to him. But all I could think about were my parents, and how they would look upon me with such disdain because I had sex before marriage. So I would force myself that the only way I was going to have sex with my boyfriend was after we got married (which is something we have been actively talking about and hoping to do when the time is right). I think itís not fair to me that Iím being forced into this situation because of fear of my parents and in doing what they want me to do. I needed to talk to someone about my problems and concerns other than my boyfriend and best friend. Luckily, last month my aunt visited us. My mom and her are extremely close and love each other very much. I knew I could talk to my aunt about my concerns because she was much more open than my mom about things. So I talked to her and she assured me that me wanting to have sex before marriage was nothing bad at all. That she herself had sex during college with a partner. She told me that sex between a couple that love each other very much is a connection that needs to be made before getting married. She hit the spot there for me and solved my concerns and answered my questions. This was the first time I was able to talk to an adult, like a mom figure about my sex life. And I was so incredibly relieved to let out my feelings and not be put down. She told me that I could get the pill without my parents knowing, and that some things you just canít tell your mom and she knows that my mom would probably not understand what I was going through. I was so obsessed before about getting married and finally being able to have sex. With the talk to my aunt I was able to see that I basing a huge part of wanting to get married just to be able to or ďallowedĒ to have sex. I canít live like that. I truly believe that I need to have this connection of making love to my boyfriend before getting married. Is that wrong? Absolutely not I think. So that is when I decided that in the future when the time comes I will have sex with my boyfriend. I told him and we talked about it extensively. I decided that from a year or so from now I would like to make love, because that is when I feel I would be best prepared emotionally and sexually for that experience. We talked about protection and so forth, about me getting on the pill and him using a condom. No problems.
Now here comes the biggie. The main problem is my parents. I was thinking of getting on the pill on my own without my parents knowing. Of course this doesnít sit well with me, because I truly loathe all the sneaking around and hiding things from my parents. But I see no other way in going about things because I feel like they would never understand and would eventually terminate or try to end my relationship with my boyfriend because of their wants and their decisions for me. My older brother and his now wife, supposedly to my knowledge, didnít have sex before getting married. So this is even more pressure on me to do what my parents want and not what I want. Iím not my mom, Iím not my brother, and Iím not my sister-in-law. Iím a different person with different believes, but I feel that Iím going to be shot down by expressing my beliefs and wants to those that I love the most. I want to let my parents know that I want to get on birth control pills, but Iím so afraid of what they are going to do and say to me, which is most likely yell their heads off at me and say Iím going to ruin my life. I donít know if I should tell them or not. I have such an ugly situation here. I feel trapped, I feel like itís not fair that I have to live my life like this, and I feel unappreciated by my parents. How can I make my parents understand me when they have hammered something specific in me that they deem the ďrightĒ way of doing things? What if I potentially lose my boyfriend who has practically saved me in my life by telling them?. I don't feel bad about my feelings and wants, I don't feel ashamed. I'm proud of them But behind all of this is this worry and frustration in my head this fear and anger and all I want to do is let it out and have the people who raised me and the person who gave birth to me hear me out and understand what I'm going through and say it is ok. How can I be guaranteed that they will understand given the attitude they have put towards with sex before marriage? Itís not fair to me that I have to live in this way. My head hurtsÖ
Thanks for hearing me out. Sorry for the post being so long.
The first thing I'd like to note here is something you probably already know, but what the heck. It really seems like your boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders, as you've described him to be both trustworthy, responsible, and extremely supportive of you during some confusing times. There is nothing better than finding someone who understands where you are coming from and is willing to walk that line with you until you are ready, and I'm glad you have found someone like that. It's a rarity, so hang on tight!
Buy the same token, I am impressed by how toughtful your post was with respect to your boyfriend and your parents. You've managed to include a healthy dose of respect for both of them, while never losing sight of what you'd like and the desires you have. It's a very difficult thing to try and balance your love and respect for your family, your mate, and yourself. Often we end up screwing that up somehow...but it sounds like you really are trying to strike a fair balance, and I'd applaud that.
But with that does come problems, as you've noted. While I'm all for trying to keep everyone happy, I'm also aware it cannot always be done. Plainly, there are some times when what we want and what others want are mutually exclusive entities. Right now that seems to be the predicament you're in with your parents. You want something you are legally old enough, mature enough, and responsible enough to obtain...but your parents don't think it's a great idea. Since there are no laws being broken, and since you are ready to tackle the responsibilities that will come with your decision, I see nothing wrong with your thought process.
Do you still live at home with your parents? You left that vital tidbit out of your post, and it could make a bit of difference to how we base our advice...could you fill us in there? Obviously there would be some difficulties if you're still living with your parents, but those would magically disappear if you were on your own. So clue us in a bit more and we'll see what we can do.
Either way, at this point in your life, it really is your choice to make. And again, so long as you're ready to handle the potential consequences of what may happen as a result of your actions, you're certainly free to proceed. Take care of yourself.
When I read your post I thought of lots of different advice (like how you can get birth control pills very easily without having to do any sneaking around from local health clinics; you're old enough to do what you want, you can still respect yoru parents and their opinions, but you can also have yours; sex lives are generally quite a private thing, between you and your partner, and you don't need to feel obligated to tell your family, although you may personally want to be upfront there are other options; you're your own person; if you think sex might happen, it'd be better to go on the pill, because imagine telling your parents that not only are you having sex, but you ended up pregnant (eeek!), etc). But really, its all comes down to one thing:
Follow your Heart.
In your heart you know what you truly want, and, especially in a situation like this one, you should really try to figure out what that exactly is, whether it is to have sex or not to. I'm sure everyone in your life loves you enough to understand-whether your boyfriend our your parents.
Follow your heart and you'll be truly satisfied inside with your decision. Good Luck.
Yes I do live at home. Sorry for not including that in my original post =P I live at home and go to school...which in some ways makes my school life a bit easier. I'm thinking of moving out of the house once I get my bachelor's degree then presuing my masters and so forth living on my own or married. I don't have a job now, so me moving out now wouldn't work out very well. Either way, I don't think I'm really ready to move out. I know it may sound strange from a 20 year old, but I've always been brought up in a higly protective family. I guess some of this has translated into being fearful and not ready of moving out yet. My mom tends to be a very fearful person about everything, and her sister agrees with me, which is why she is very protective of me.
Thank you for the comments and advice. My boyfriend is more patient than me on this and for that I greatly admire him. If it wasn't for him, he wouldn't have woken me up about my issues. If I wouldn't have met him, I'm not even sure of how I would have handled an intimate situtaion with a guy. So I'm super glad that I have him in my life.
I do see now that I tend to want to make everyone in my life happy. Thanks for commenting on that cause its very true. It does sound all nice and great, but of course it can't be done. Not everyone will always agree with you on everything - that's a fact outside and in the family life. I just wish it wasn't this aspect of my life that I would be at odds with my parents and fearful to let them know. Ahh well. that's life eh. Thanks again for the advice
Thank you also for your comments and advice. I understand competely that my sex life doesn't have to be publicated to my parents, it just sucks that I can't be open about it to my parents, especially my mom whom I tend to have an open relationship about everything else. I would never in my life consider having sex without the pill. If it came down that I coudn't get the pill at all, which is not the case at the moment, I would just wait till I was married. Running the risk of getting pregnant is no laughing matter. It would definitely alter my chances of going to school and so forth. My heart tells me that I'm not doing anything wrong, and that I want this. I feel ready but yet I'm afraid of my parents. Thanks again for your advice. You take care
quote:Originally posted by Lelia: Yes I do live at home. Sorry for not including that in my original post
Hey, not a problem. And fear not, you don't have to justify yourself to us at all...living at home is cool, living on your own is cool. Everyone's situation is a bit different, and you need not be ashamed to be a part of either group.
As far as your current situation goes though, you are right that it adds a litle wrinkle to things. Primarily, you are in your parents house and are therefore obligated to play their ballgame. That makes it a bit harder for me to encourage you to go out and do what you think is right, because I'm of the opinion that as long as you're under your parents' roof, you're obligated to obey the rules of their household, however inane they may seem.
That does not, however, mean you cannot leave the house to find intimate time with your boyfriend elsewhere. I'm sure it would be quite a challenge to be allowed to leave your house for a night with your boyfriend, but how about a romantic day out, followed by a peaceful evening together? You could still be home in time for curfew, and would be able to fit some solid quality time with your boyfriend in there as well.
One thing to beware of though...and it's the same thing we'd tell anyone else in this position: be sure you are ready before you do it. It sounds overly simplistic, but there really isn't another way of putting it. I noticed that you said you weren't "really ready to move out." This in and of itself is not a bad thing, but let that thought guide you a bit. Getting pregnant or suffering other consequences from sexual intimacy could easily be the proverbial "moving out." It is a whole new ballgame, and a whole heck of a lot to deal with. It might be worth considering your own sexual readiness right now, just to make sure you are ready, willing, and able to deal with the potential downsides.
I hate to be doom-and-gloom, but let's face it...we all know the good parts about sex. It's the potential pitfalls that go unsaid, those are the things that spur people to utter the infamous "if I knew then what I know now" line. You don't want to be that person.
Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck. So long as you remember to take your time and think things through, you'll be just fine. (Kinda like in school, huh?) Take care!
quote:Originally posted by BruinDan: you're obligated to obey the rules of their household, however inane they may seem.
Yes I agree with you. I do obey the rules of the house. But I do not think that because I live under their roof they should control my decisions on sex, because that is something that is completely my decision and nobody should control that (Especially by making me believe that sex or any highly intimate occassion before marriage makes me an evil person and it will ruin my life) not entirely becuase I'm at legal age, but also that this is something that I want in my life, in a responsible manner of course. I wouldn't even consider having sex in my house because to me that is disrespectul in itself to my parents, or heck even anywhere when my boyfriend was down visiting. He said himself he doesn't want that because he finds it disrespectful.
[QUOTE]Originally posted by BruinDan: be sure you are ready before you do it. Getting pregnant or suffering other consequences from sexual intimacy could easily be the proverbial "moving out." It might be worth considering your own sexual readiness right now, just to make sure you are ready, willing, and able to deal with the potential downsides. [/QUOTE}
Yep I understand. I told my boyfriend that this is something I'm not planning to do anytime soon, but rather in a year or so cause that's when I feel I will be more emotionally ready with every aspect of it all and also prepared with pills and so forth. I also want to have some time to think things over entirely. The potential consequences by having sex is something I haven't overlooked at all. I don't plan to get pregnant anytime soon hehe. That is why we are going to be super careful about everything. I know I have to take pills and he has to use a condom, that we both need to be tested beforehand, and even with all this carefulness nothing is 100 % guaranteed that certain consequences will not occur. Physically and emotionally this is something I have to be ready for. Who knows how I will feel afterwards (hopefully good!). For me I think this is something I need to know and exprience before marriage. I'm just frustrated that my parents will probably never understand me =\ I'm in no rush for this and I'm going to take my time so don't ya worry =P
Thanks again for all your advice!
Bah I give up on the quoting thing! It ain't working out for me. hehe ------------------ ~Lelia
[This message has been edited by Lelia (edited 10-07-2003).]
[This message has been edited by Lelia (edited 10-07-2003).]
quote:Originally posted by Lelia: Yes I agree with you. I do obey the rules of the house. But I do not think that because I live under their roof they should control my decisions on sex, because that is something that is completely my decision and nobody should control that.
I'm with ya on that one. My point was merely that while you're physically under their roof, their rules apply. Since you're of legal age, however, you're right that it's really up to you and only you what you do in your off hours and outside of your parents' domain.
It does sound like you're on the right track as far as planning and preparation go, and that is a very positive sign. It's fairly obvious that you're making an informed decision, which is always the way to go...so once you are mentally ready (be it tomorrow, next tuesday, or next July), things should be just fine.
As far as your parents' acceptance goes, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Like BruinGranny always said, "if you try to sit on too many chair at once, you just end up falling on your arse." Wise woman, that BruinGranny. And hell, I'm sure there are things I've done in my life that haven't pleased my parents too much...but I'm old and have been independent for years and years and years, so it really doesn't make a difference any which way. You'll be in that position soon enough...so there ya go.
In the meantime though, just keep doing what you're doing. I have faith you'll be just fine in the end.
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