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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Longing For A Relationship....?

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Author Topic: Longing For A Relationship....?
Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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Ok. I'm 15, in 10th grade. Nearly all of my friends i can think of right now have been or are in relationships. I mean, ive never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, or anything lyke that...sometimes i just feel empty because of that, i feel lyke some of my friends look down on me because of it, or never seek my advice about boyfriends and such because, ive never had one. I'm not all that shy around guys, i just have more girl friends than guy friends.

Does anyone else feel the same way i do? I often daydream about the perfect boyfriend, the one i'll probably never have. I just feel so alone sometimes. Lyke i SHOULD have a boyfriend or something. I guess that i dont have one is one of the reasons my self esteem isnt the best..... Any words or advice or anyone who feels the same way??

[sig line removed]

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 09-27-2003).]


Posts: 34 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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(Melancholy: PLEASE take a moment to edit your signature line. Sig lines should be NO MORE than a couple lines, tops. Longer sig lines sap up our bandwidth, and can cause pages to scroll down for eons. Yours is presently a whopping 26 lines.

Thanks.)


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Etch
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I never really had a boyfriend until 2 months before I graduated high school. I didn't meat him through school either. Currently, I live with him and he is supporting me while I go through college.

I too had low self esteem in school, and daydreamed about the perfect guy. I didn't believe anyone when they said dating in high school isnt really that common as it seems.

Believe it or not, but most of the girls you go to school with are either not dating, or are surely not dating the perfect guy. I tried dating two guys in highschool, I thought they were really cool and nice, until I got alone with them and realized I had nothing in common with them. Most of the girls with boyfriends may say they are perfect, but its highly unlikely. Especially if they break up a month later.

That happens in the adult dating world as well. Finding the perfect boyfriend is like finding a needle in the haystack. It takes a little luck, and lot of determination, and some thick skin.

That said, I had a single kiss in high school. Just one. After that I learned how to kiss with my current boyfriend (I had some dangerous sexual experiences in between with guys that are the opposite of perfect, probably due to me feeling inadequate for anything better).

Personally, and no one get mad at me for saying this. But I think high school is one of the worst times to date. Most people havent grown into their full maturity, and there is a lot of high school drama going on. Its rare that the couples last, and its usually full of petty crap that most people don't know about.

And get this. Most of the adult world is in the exact same situation as you. They want the perfect partner, but they just can't seem to find that person. There are a lot of adults who don't date either. 15 is still so young, and there is nothing to be worried about. I wouldnt have believed me either when I was 15, but now I know.


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Heather
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Do hate to bust bubbles or sound like a terrible cycnic, but the drama doesn't really get much reduced when you're out of high school, either, as a whole.

The real deal, sadly, is that a lot of people, of every age, are seriously addicted to melodrama. And the length of relationships isn't often a whole lot longer, either. Often when it is, it's more about inertia than the good stuff.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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bettie
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I was a complete wallflower when I was in high school. Lots of crushes, but no one seemed interested in me. I had my circle of friends. When they got boyfriends and girlfriends I would end up a bit lost or the third wheel. It did not feel good. I ahve a few horror stories from that time.

Like Heather said the drama doesn't seem to go away when you become adult. It all depends on who you are surrounded by. You often don't have much choice in the matter in places like your work where it still can be all about who is doing what and who is in what relationship.

I am 32 and the big thing right now is who is having children. Often people like me who are not having children are treated rather badly by those who are.

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logic_grrl
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quote:
Lyke i SHOULD have a boyfriend or something.

Truth is, I think a lot of people get into relationships for the sake of "having a boyfriend" or "having a girlfriend" - not because they actually want to be involved with that particular person, but because they're afraid of being alone, or afraid that other people will think they "can't get a boyfriend/girlfriend".

And that can lead to some pretty bad (or at best, unsatisfying) relationships.

So it's worth remembering that (contrary to the impression the media often give) a person is not something you can "have". A person is not a status symbol.

And it's really better to wait for someone you actually want to be with, rather than latching onto anyone handy in order to be able to say you "have a boyfriend".

Is there anyone around who you'd actually like to be in a romantic relationship with? If not, why worry?


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by logic_grrl:
Truth is, I think a lot of people get into relationships for the sake of "having a boyfriend" or "having a girlfriend" ... And that can lead to some pretty bad (or at best, unsatisfying) relationships.

The lovely and talented logic_grrl is right-on with that one, and I'd also add that peer pressure works in reverse as well.

I was one of those goons who had a girlfriend all through high school. We began dating when we were 15 and ultimately split at 18. Throughout that period of time we were exposed to all sorts of folks who would encourage us to cheat, date other people, or break up simply for the sake of living the single life. There really didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, and our guess at the time was that the people giving the encouragement were either jealous or not thinking straight. In the end, my ex did succumb to the pressure and has since told me that she regretted her decision for years afterward...when she went from rotten relationship to rotten relationship all at her friends' suggestions.

So it would seem that peer pressure works both ways. It can cause happy couples to disband, and it can cause happy singles to pair up...often when neither group is ready to do that. You are best off doing what you want to do, where you can make your own decision for what seems best at the time. And let the others say what they will...because when the dust settles and they've done things simply for the sake of fitting in, you'll have avoided all that nonsense completely.

------------------
BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


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summergoddess
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I remember being 15, and wanting a boyfriend. I had been a relationship before. It didn't take me long to realize that i was better off being busy doing the things i love to do and working away in my academics. Love would come when it was ready to enter in my world naturally. I was single till after I had turned 17. I remember dating 5 guys in total of that year. A month shy from turning 18, I got in a relationship that i wanted to be romantically involved. That relationship is still going strong to this day at two years and 4 months. My boyfriend is Isaiah. Love was definitely worth the wait. Loving yourself for who you are completely was also a big key in the process. So i wouldn't worry so much of wanting a boyfriend right now at 15. Enjoy being single and have the time of your life. Most of my girlfriends at the age of 19/20 now are just starting to date or just got into a relationship. Love comes at different times for everybody. You can't choose love or rush love. Let it happen naturally when u least expect it

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~Jules

[This message has been edited by summergoddess (edited 09-27-2003).]


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celery
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Hey I guess I'm kind of in the same situation as you Melancholy, I'm also 15, in 11th grade and I've only had one serious boyfriend. I too fantasize about having the 'perfect' boyfriend, or even just someone to be with, especially since it seems like all my friends always have boyfriends, or guys that like them and flirt with them all them time. And it's hard because I feel left out and unworthy.

But having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend isn't that great of an idea. I mean you'll most likely end up in a relationship that you don't really want to be in, and you'll just feel as empty as your started with.

My advice to you is to wait until you find a guy that you really like and just start spending time with him and eventually somethig will happen. I know it sucks waiting around, but you're 15, and young and there's plenty of time to have boyfriends.

Hope I helped


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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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Yeah, i know theres plenty of time...its just that sometimes you know, im ok with being single and sometimes, i just feel inadequate or something...that no guys ever flirt with me or anything..but oh well i guess. i guess i just have plenty of time...

------------------
and through the night i see the light
shining from the neighbor's windows
i dream of life where i'm safe
in a home where i am not alone
some day i will lay me down
on the grass where everything is greener
it always seems so good on the other side


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Santianna
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Maybe it's because of your insecurities, that's why no guys feel attracted to you in That way. If you behave like you're gorgeous, act entirely yourself, I'm sure a few will start to notice. And no harm updating the closet to something that might be more flattering; a little more mature in tastes.

I have to agree that a very devoted boyfriend will raise your self-esteem a great deal...

But boyfriends are really not something great. They're just something. Just a different way of life. Being single at 15 is nearly as great too. Enjoy having bestest friends as opposed to having a significant other. I think that's more rewarding...


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HookedOnPhonics
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hey i am 15 also and have never been kissed and i just got my first bf a few days ago and i think he might kiss me soon i cn't wait but i soo know how u feel trust me i think there are alot of girls out there my friend who is 19 just got her first kiss and i was in the movies all my friend would make-out it made me wicked sad but i waited now i have someone to make-out with
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neuroveil
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I'm 16 almost 17 in about 5-6 months..but have still never gotten into a relationship..heck i don't even care.Its not everything right?
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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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I guess youre right, its not everything.
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aroseisarose
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The first time I started dating was just a few month ago, around when I was 17 and a half. I'd never kissed or done anything else like that before then. There were times before that, especially when I was around 15 or 16, when I JUST WANTED A BOYFRIEND. I thought about it constantly, but the thing was, I didn't even have my eye on anyone.

I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't just want a boyfriend...I wanted someone I could trust, kiss, share experiences with, love...I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I also realized that I wouldn't get that just by hooking up with random guys, so I decided to wait it out, and in the meantime, focus on myself.

A great thing about not being in a relationship, especially at such a young age, is that you don't have to worry about what he'll think, or whether you're moving too fast, or if he'll try to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

Also, fantasizing about the "perfect" boyfriend is pretty harmless, just so long as you understand that the chances anyone will be "perfect" are pretty slim. In fact, it might help you figure out what you want from a boyfriend and a relationship, when you are ready to pursue one.

What helped me through those times when I just felt down because I didn't have a boyfriend was imagining myself in the future. I imagined that I might, or might not have a relationship, but that I was proud of myself for not rushing into anything when I was younger.

Good luck! And remember, you can't hunt down love...it will come when you are ready.


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Lady21
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Ah, the neverending search for a boyfriend. In high school, it seems like some girls have one boyfriend after another, while others spend the whole four years alone. Others, like me, have a combination of the two extremes, which I think can be the closest to ideal:

I started dating Michael in the last week of Grade 8. We stayed together over a year, which was long for a couple of 14/15 year olds. When he broke up with me (via email while I was on vacation the following summer) I realized that I had been wrong about him in many ways, and while that experience was so painful that I could not forgive him for over 3 years, I know now that it was the right thing for both of us.

I dated a couple of other guys in grades 10 and 11 but it wasn't serious. For all of my Grade 12 year I was alone and desperately lonely. Like most of you guys, I really wanted someone to love and share my life with, but there was no one I felt attracted to. Two months before the end of high school I started going out with Derek, who I had known for several years. We were good friends to begin with and slowly realized that the feelings we had for each other were "more than just friends."

We've been together over six months now. I go to university and he's finishing high school. I have learned so much from Derek, about life, about love... and I realized that love isn't something you can wish and hope and pray for... often, true love drops right into your lap, when you least expect it.

And in response to those who say they fantasize about the perfect boyfriend... the first week may be perfect and giddy but pretty soon you'll be getting annoyed with little things... and that's when you'll learn that in any mature, adult relationship, compromise is the key. If you can love someone EVEN THOUGH they might not read existentialist literature like you, they might not be an environmental activist like you; but have other qualities, like creativity and a truly caring heart, you are cutting yourself off from a lot of potential loves.


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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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Thanks Lady21, i really lyked your post.I've been trying to not mope around about not having a boyfriend and to just basically forget it. I guess i'd be alot happier if i didnt pay so much attention to it

------------------
and through the night i see the light
shining from the neighbor's windows
i dream of life where i'm safe
in a home where i am not alone
some day i will lay me down
on the grass where everything is greener
it always seems so good on the other side


Posts: 34 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady21
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I'm glad you found it helpful

I totally know how you feel though... so many of my diary entries from when I was about in Grade 10 are about the fact that I was sure I would never find anyone... and trust me, when you do, you'll feel silly that you ever thought that.

Don't worry though, fifteen is still so young, there are so many potential loves still out there for you!


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memyselfandchris
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hey!! consider urself lucky. having a boyfriend aint all that great. ur life can be so much happier if you dont really care or think about it that much. being single is great! but, i also understand where ur coming from. i mean, just be patient and wait for the right guy to come around, or maybe you should be the one to make the first move girl! it aint the old days when the guys always hafta make the first move. girls do too! so go out there and have fun! flirt all you want! hehe, being single and being able to flirt is so much fun. but, like i said, you can either wait and be patient for a guy to approach you, or you can be the one to approach him, its your choice....but, no one says that you HAVE TO have a boyfriend, right?
Posts: 9 | From: Vallejo, California, U.S.A | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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Yeah, thats true....i'll try not to worry about it i guess. Everything will happen when it happenes, or so i'm told...
Posts: 34 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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