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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » On the first date...

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Author Topic: On the first date...
Santianna
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Would you sleep with someone on the first date?

I was just curious to see how people felt about this.

Sometimes I think if it's someone you really like, sleeping with them would get you their attention for awhile. Sometimes sleeping with them wears out your novelty for them, so that's not good.

Is it actually possible to go over to someone's pad and not have sex thereafter?

Obviously I'm speaking from a vantage that sex is not necessarily always sacred...


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onlyme
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well, personally when you go back to a guys place they're pretty much always expecting sex... this is from my experience. i have had a few times where this wasnt expected. but most of the time i have always slept together on the first date (now i sound like a slut but i havent been on many dates so you work it out), but i knew what i was getting myself into and we both wanted to do it and had our little talks about what is going on and where we go from here. other times it's been after a few get togethers that is happens if at all.
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summergoddess
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I personally won't have sex on the first date. I rather wait till the time is right (which when my heart tells me). Offically, I waited three weeks into the relationship before I had sex with Isaiah and to date, we're still together 2 years and almost 4 months later .
I believe if you have sex on the first date or even the first day u guys are offically bf/gf, there is a greater chance of confusing feelings of love with sex. This is why I waited three weeks--i wanted to make sure that Isaiah and I were both in love with eachother for who we are, not just for our bodies.
It depends on the guy your with. Not all guys expect sex the first time your at their pad. There are guys who are willing to wait which shows a sign of respect.

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~Jules


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badly_behaved_badger
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quote:
Originally posted by onlyme:
well, personally when you go back to a guys place they're pretty much always expecting sex...

Well, you know guys aren't the sex fiends they are made out to be !!! (generally speaking)

To answer Santianna's question, I think it's perfectly legit. to sleep with someone on a first date, but in my opinion, sleeping with someone to get their attention is a bad move. I would say, no, I probably wouldn't do anything sexual on a first date, because I'd want to know more about the person and their sexual history first. But as the saying goes, as long as it's safe, consensual and legal, then roll on the good times!!

Of course you can go and hang out at someone's place and not have sex thereafter! There is no law saying "you have had sex here before, so you shallt have sex here every time hereafter" (pardon dodgy use of old english!) Seriously, though, don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Remember that and you're doing well

*badger*


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Kara Zor-El
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quote:
Originally posted by summergoddess:
I believe if you have sex on the first date or even the first day u guys are offically bf/gf

I really don't think that sleeping together on the first date automatically makes you a couple. Some of us girls may want to believe that but most guys would probably view that as casual sex with no commitment attached. Truth be told, some girls out there would see it as casual sex, too. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as that's what you both want and you're both safe.

I spent the night with a good friend recently, someone I've known for years. We weren't on a date and even though I've been in love with her for a long time (not secretly, mind you, she knows), this was still an instance of casual sex between friends. We made no commitments to each other at any point and we're still just close friends.

And, yes, of course you can go to someone's house and not have sex as long as you trust the person and make your intentions perfectly clear.

But sex really shouldn't be used to get someone's attention. If you're secure that your partner likes you as a person then that should be the basis for holding their attention.


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wobblyheadedjane
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And of course, we can't forget to bring out the fact that not all girls sleep with guys, or vice versa.

Like so many other things, I think this depends on the person. Some people are perfectly fine sleeping together on the first date, but others aren't comfortable with the idea. Communication on this sort of thing is key- for example, you may not be on a date, but just chilling with a friend, who kisses you. Are you dating? Still just friends? Unless you talk, people get confused. And that can lead to awkwardness or unhappiness.

Me, it depends on the person I'm seeing. If we're both attracted to each other, prepared to keep it safe, and have a clear understanding that sex does not necessarily equate "true love forever", then yes, I probably would be comfortable sleeping with someone on the first date. Other people, maybe I'd wait months or years. It really depends on the level of comfort, and communication.


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summergoddess
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I know people who have sex together for the first time and then decide to be a couple the same night.

I don't have a problem with people wanting to have sex and not be committed to someone. It's one's life, choice and body. You do as u please.

I personally just prefer to have sex in a relationship rather than one night stands or with friends with benefits. To me, sex means more than the action or even the physical pleasure. It's making love or in other words an powerful emotional connection in the most intimate way with someone. Love adds the extra power than sex with no serious relationship committment.

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~Jules


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Etch
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I had sex on the first "date" with my boyfriend.

We have been dating for over a year and a half, we live together, and our worst problem is that he drips water when he gets out of the shower, and I feel bad because he has sacrificed so much for me (he is essentially supporting me while I go through school)

My beliefs state that if you want to, and you take all the precautions (i.e. safer sex) then by all means do it. If you feel sleeping with someone on the first date isnt for you, then don't.

I think its a little, offensive, to say that just because you have sex the first day you met or started dating will mean you are more likely confuse love with sex. Sex has little to do with love and vice verse. Yes, it can be an expression of love, and that is a wonderful thing. However, they don't go hand in hand. Just because someone has sex with someone else doesnt mean they are going to think that there is a deeper connection. Personally, I think that whole idea is caused by social pressure that you have to feel that way.

I found our relationship benefitted from the fact that we had sex before we were a couple. We didn't have that pressure of it "chaning things." We were comfortable with our bodies right from the get go, and didnt have any of the "what if he thinks I'm fat when I'm naked" bull that went on with previous guys I dated.

That doesnt mean its right for everyone though. But, I sure think it worked out perfectly for me.

[This message has been edited by Etch (edited 09-25-2003).]


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Santianna
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Well...

I'm far from looking for a serious relationship.

Someone to take me out sometimes with sex thereafter. Mmm.

I guess I'll just have to go with the flow, see the situation... yeah

all the answers have been pretty interesting so far! (and it's heartening to know I'm not the one that's had sex on the first date. Kinda made me feel slutty all the time )


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RumpusParable
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yes, i've had on a number of occasions sex on the first date & plenty of times with no date (more often than on "dates" as i've rarely ever had a "date"...).

sometimes yes, sometimes no, all depending on what was right for me.

i, too, don't agree that having sex makes the two a couple from then on.. being together as a couple takes more than sex, so it depends on those other aspects of their interaction & wishes.

just as sex doesn't cement a currently-had relationship, it doesn't create one from scratch... it simply can be a wonderful part of either, if there's a relationship to be had.


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Heather
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I'm just going to chime in here and say that when it is what you want, whe everyone is cool with it, and when you handle is safely and responsibly (recongnizing that often there are higher risks involved physically), casual sex is absolutely okay on all levels.

(And you know, like any other kinds of sex, sometimes all those things aren't in place, and that can be okay, too, it's just best all around when they all are. We sometimes err and make mistakes in all things; we're human.)

Santianna, I often personally identify as a slut outright, myself. I like to reclaim some terms, and that's one of them. So, have I sometimes felt "slutty"? Yep, often, but that doesn't create bad feelings for me. And while to some an adult telling younger people that that's not only okay, it can be fun and nice and festive and wonderful, might be really frowned upon, I see no reason to pussyfoot around that. because it CAN be as great as any other kind of sex, and it can be exactly the right thing sometimes.

I don't think it's correct or honest or even ethical to say that sex is only okay within serious or committed partnerships, or monogamous ones, and certainly not if a given person knows they aren't desiring a relationship or ready to handle one at a given time. Look around the boards if you need to and see how many people have been hurt by partners who cleaerly didn't want that but weren't able to be honest about it, and thus purposefully created false expectations.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Anndee
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I think it depends on how well you know & like & trust that person. But if U do have sex on a first date it kinda' does make you bf/gf. But U should get 2 know the person BEFORE you get physical with them.
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Heather
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quote:
Originally posted by Anndee:
But if U do have sex on a first date it kinda' does make you bf/gf

No, no sex can automatically make a relationship or commitment. That is absolutely not so.

And that assumption is some of why a lot of people end up with big ol'broken hearts after casual sex, because they enter into thinking that does make it so. It doesn't. people agreeing on a committed relationship is al that makes that so.

So in a word, if you're going to have casual sex, it's important to understand that sex is all you may be getting much of the time.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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