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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » you are PERFECT. but so is she...

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Author Topic: you are PERFECT. but so is she...
Dus8or
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I feel so broken. My guy friend is in another city for the summer... for about another month...(he goes to college here but doesn't live here) so he came here to visit me last weekend. We ended up going from friends to something more, and he left again with both of us thinking we would 'go out' as soon as he moved back. The next night he calls me crying and drops a bomb on me. He tells me he likes me so much, that I am perfect, but that this girl he has been waiting on and crushing on for years finally decided she was interested in him... that he didn't know what to do, who to 'choose'. He said we are both 'amazing' but he has known her longer and put in more time with her... and that she is 'there' (location wise) right now. They haven't been intimate like we have yet, and they haven't decided to be together, yet. I don't know what to do. We still talk on the phone every night, but now only about this. I don't know what to say, I still really like him, I still want him so bad, but I feel like I should just be telling him to go to hell... and I can't. He said he didn't want to lead me on or 'just have both of us' because he is not like that.. yet he still says he is so interested in me and almost implys that we are going to go out at soon point. All the talking is making me sick, I just want him to go with me, he made me so happy, and I hate myself for still caring. He is moving here in a month. he will be here for a whole year... away from her...so i dont understand why he is doing this. if he wants someone why would he go out with someone he is moving away from? i dont know what to say to him or even think anymore.. can someone please give me their view on the situation?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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A lot of people don't cope well with being lonely or with not having a partner.

I don't know if tha's what this is, but the truth is, you'll see a LOT of folks jump parner to partner, even when they're committed to one already (if that's what hapened here -- if he and you and he and she are just dating, that still sucks, but it's kind of another story), but have a separation, or the relationships isn't all shiny like new ones are. It's upsetting -- you have every right to be upset -- but it happens a lot, especially when people feel they MUST be with someone at all times.

Personally? I'd suggest you take a break for a bit, from talking to him (and that has got to be painful as heck for you right now, talking to someone doing this). You need space and time to decide what YOU want, not just be waiting around as someone's substitute should their ideal partner not pan out. That's not a good space to put yourself in or let anyone else put you in.

He isn't the only one who gets to make a choice here: so do you, honey. In your case, it's about deciding if you want to be someone's second choice -- because it sounds like that's what he's asking you to do, to be there in case this thing isn't all he hopes it will be -- and if you want -- and can handle -- a partner who isn't totally committed to you first.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 07-29-2003).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dus8or
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"A lot of people don't cope well with being lonely or with not having a partner."
That is him in a nutshell basically. He told me he wants me but I am not there, and she is.
I would like to take a break, yet he calls me about five times a day now. I don't understand what he wants me to do or say. He tells me his friend thinks he is making a mistake talking to me about it and not being with me. He tells me to put my foot down, tell him what I want, then he tells me that I deserve someone that 'treats me right'. He tells me that when he moves back, when we are together, he will have a hard time not being intimate with me and will probably have to break up with her. (if he even ends up with her that is.) yet he tells me he still wants to be friends. It's almost like he wants me to tell him not to be with her, to be one of those girls that fights for guys... which I am not. I don't know what kind of validation he is seeking from me. If he thinks he will end up with the other girl, why am I the one he is talking to every night?
I guess I just have no idea what to do. Thank you so much for your advice, I am seriously thinking it through, and you are right, I don't deserve to be someone's 'second best." but I just want to be someone at all to him, and him to me, that's what makes this all so confusing.

[This message has been edited by Dus8or (edited 07-29-2003).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know his behaviour doesn't sound to me like he's treating you with much respect or care for YOUR feelings.

Sounds like he's essentially asking you to parent him.

So, put him to his word at telling you to say what you want: tell him to stop calling you, and that when you're ready to talk to him about this and when you've made your own choices about YOU (he seems to keep forgetting you're half this equation), you'll ring him.

But until then, he needs to let you have that, because this is flat out lousy treatment you're getting, and it sounds like he's taking serious advantage of your care for him. He doesn't get to keep girls in queue like he seems to think he can, especially not in committed relationships.

So, take your break and give yourself all the time you need to think this over, talk it over with your friends and support network; not with him. You may find figuring out what's right for you is a lot easier without his static -- something he may even know unawares, which may be part of why he's ringing you incessantly, to do what he can to keep his stake in.

But right now, you need to come first and he needs to grow up an inch and let you. He's done what he has, and in refusing to make a choice, appears to be trying to put it on you so he doesn't have to deal with what a mess he's made or be the bad guy, which is ludicrous and unkind. So, do what you need to make your choices for yourself and do the best you can for you.

Hang in there: this kind of situation flatly stinks and hurts like heck, but you can come out whole and okay.


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eray01
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I know how you feel, except I was the other girl.
This guy liked me for like two years and i just liked him as a friend and we were good friends.
He kept asking me out and i kept saying no. Then I gave in and went out with him.
Well that night he held my hand and kissed me and it kinda freaked me out cuz I wasnt ready for that yet. it was too fast and even though I was starting to like him.. I told him that I didnt cuz it scared me.
I really hurt his feelings and it was totally wrong of me to do that to him.

Well he finally gave up on me, but we still talked on the phone every night. He met another girl and they made out one night.. but that was all.
So I was starting to like him and I was going to tell him and then I found out about the other girl.
I was crushed. I thought that I had given up a chance to be with a great guy.

I told him how I felt and he had to make a choice. I didnt try to persuade him and I didnt fight for him. I just let him make his decision.

Well he did choose me and we have been together since!

The thing is that this guy might be confused and scared and not sure of what he wants.. but HE has to make that decision and NO you shouldnt fight for him. You just have to wait and see what the out come may be

But if he chooses you. make sure that he wants you and only you and is going to stay with you before you junmp into anything.

Love is a scary thing and its not hard to get burned.. Ive been there done that many times!!
You have to beleive in yourself and know that you are worth it and if he doesnt see that then hes not good enough for you anyway, that is what I did with Adam and it turned out good for me... he was good for me.
So hang in there and trust your heart and be careful with it!

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eray*


Posts: 117 | From: kansas city, kansas, us | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Thing is she DOESN'T "have to wait and see."

She gets to opt out of the "which princess fits the dainty glass slipper to win the prince" game if she wants to.


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Milke
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If anyone pulled that sort of crap on me, I'd tell him where to go in words I'm absolutely not allowed using here.

Thing is, the world is full of great people, and there's really no good reason to hang around with the ones who aren't so hot. No one deserves to wait around while someone who doesn't seem to have their head on straight makes agonising choices, or be treated like just a diversion until something preferable comes along. So ditch anyone who'd treat you like that, and find better company. Might I suggest a kinder partner, girl or guy friends who are fun to hang out with, or your dear self, who deserves better than this, and should make sure she demands it?

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, DNFTF, WAOTA

Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eray01
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ok I understand where you are all coming from but did you ever think that maybe this guy is just really confused and is not trying to hurt anyone.
I mean this other girl he has had a crush on forever and we all know that if our crushes that we dreamed about for yrs or months or whatever suddenly liked us then we would want to jump on the opportunity.. Since that is what you have wanted for so long.
But then he met this great girl who he really cares for and loves to be around.

I can see how that would be very hard to decide on. You cant tell me that none of you have ever like two people at once. or maybe you can but I know that I have.
And just like what happened with me and my man.
He really liked me and finally was gonna have achance but he met this other girl who was great and who he got along with great.

He had to make a decision.
NO he shouldnt stretch this out and he definetly shouldnt even attempt to see both girls..... but from what she said it seems that he doenst intend to do that.

All Im saying is maybe this guy is leget and he is just confused and he is trying to be honest with both girls but he just really doesnt know what to do.

What would you say to him if he posted on here.?

It might be that he is a jerk and she needs to move on.. But none of us know him. And she does... So all Im sayin is that she needs to make a decision on wether he is a nice guy and if thats what she wants or if she just needs to move on.

I just dont think we should put him down if we havent even heard his side and dont care what he has to go through on this!!!

just a segestion and my opinion completely!!!

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eray*


Posts: 117 | From: kansas city, kansas, us | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bettie
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This makes me think of the saying " a girl in every port". While I don't have a problem with that relationship model if everyone involved is aware and consenting (as well as practicing safer sex methods), from reading your take on things I do not think this is what would work for anyone mentioned in your present situation.

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Milke
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It's just, well . . . There are certain things that nice guys don't do, and while we all make mistakes, we can't always hope to recover what we had before we made them.

And choosing a partner isn't like buying bananas. Yeah, it's really important to make sure we're getting into a relationship that's good for us, but shopping around while trying to hold onto another partner just isn't okay, and it's something that good people don't do, and that smart people don't put up with. There's no need to sit back and take crap, honest, and when people who've grown accustomed to doing so finally start looking out for themselves they're often amazed how much better their situations become.

I'm one of them. I didn't wait for anyone to make up his mind, tolerate unacceptable behaviour, or allow myself to act as a pawn or plaything, and yet the relationship I'm in is a good one. Go figure

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, DNFTF, WAOTA

Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wobblyheadedjane
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You know what though? I've known a lot of nice guys (heck, my ex boyfriend is one of them) that I just plain don't care to be around, for whatever reason. And one of those reasons would be making me feel terrible or unhappy about myself.

Frankly, I've been the 'second choice'. And it sucks. If I had realized sooner that I didn't have to wait around to play second fiddle, I think I would have been a happier person during my teenage years. As it was, I had to watch the person I had a major crush on for years flirt with, date and later have sex with (ew!) more or less in front of my nose, and all he had to do was keep me hanging by saying "But she doesn't make me really happy." I finally got over it when I started hanging around people, both male and female, who were good to me, and spending time on my own, and becoming my own person. Even after all that coming into my own, I still had some dealing to do later in life, when I was with a person who made me feel happy.

Personally, I'd say let it be. There are plenty of people out there worth your time, both friendship wise and romantically. This guy may be one of them, but now is not the time. Miz Scarlet already recommended spending time with yourself and people who make you feel good; speaking as someone who's been there, I second it, wholeheartedly.

Edited to add: right on, Milke.

[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 07-29-2003).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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The thing is, you didn't tell her she needed to make a decision in your first post. You told her she needed to wait out HIS. And it was that to which I objected, because no one needs to play the passive-woman waiting game while some guy (or whatever gender combo we're dealing with), juggles two possible partners, and CERTAINLY not weighs the pros and cons of them WITH one or both of the partners.

That is NOT acceptable or kind behaviour.

What would I say to him had HE posted?

That it sounds like right now, he needs to not be dating ANYONE or committing or trying to commit to anyone until he knows who he wants to commit to, regardless of the results (unless all have agreed to multiple partnership from the onset). And that right now, he'd do best by both women to tell them he needs a break to be alone period until he can figure out his shizzle. That calling one partner several times a day to angstily whine about his self-inflicted plight about whether or not he should choose her is juvenile and inconsiderate behaviour. And that you don't promise commitments you aren't ready to follow through with and deliver on.

Mature people capable of and ready to conduct adult relationships need to do self-assesment before they get involved. This dude can be as sweet as sugar, but he has and continues to handle this badly, and our job at Scarleteen isn't to defend any passing underdog: it's to serve the user who is posting here him or herself the best as applies to THEM.

( I cannot believe I used the word shizzle.)


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eray01
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yeah shizzle is a nice word!!
Well thanks for explaining that better to me. I do understand that. I just have a problem with always trying to see everyones point of view before saying whats wrong and right. I am too caring and sensitive sometimes and it has caused me a great deal of problems my whole life.

I just think that everyones got good in them and that there has to be a good reason for what they do.. but now that I say that out loud it sounds kinda stupid.

miz scarlet is right, you dont have to wait around. forgive my other posts. That is what seems to have been my problem thus far when it comes to guys. I just always beleive them and trust them too soon adn too often.. I need to try to please my self and I so do you!!!

Thanks

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eray*


Posts: 117 | From: kansas city, kansas, us | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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