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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What?

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Author Topic: What?
Member # 14250

Icon 13 posted      Profile for CHICANA     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
~~What Miz Scarlet said really hurt me.~~DP
~~It would certainly work this way if we all lived in FairyTale Land, but unfortunately the vast majority of us are stuck here in Realityville.~~BruinDan

I've most of the entrys in this particular "room" the one really stands out is the one concerning diamondprincess and her friend that she likes. You know I found this website and I thought it was to help people but when the so called "sexpert" starts putting people down thats just gone a little far.

And all the advice I have seen with the exception of some is NEGATIVE. Then when people that have gone through the same problems try to give advice on what they did. They are told that they aren't living in reality,[AKA: Fairytale Land].

I mean come on a majority of the people posting on here are UNDER the age of 18. I mean the "sexpert" is what in her thirties??? Then how old is "BruinDan" who tells people they are in LALA Land???

You know I really don't care if you guys block me from posting or anything, because you know I am right and you are WRONG.

I thought I had found a website that teens and people that need help in relationships could get it with out being put down.

I guess not...

Posts: 2 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 961

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He's not old enough to be getting the senior's discount yet. He's also had a lot of experience, in many practical areas, survived a lot of crises, and gives damn good advice. Does that bother you?

And while we'd all love it if all relationships could work out, and all participants coule be happy, we know that when someone's making strange and disturbing threats against a couple she dislikes because they've got different coloured skin something is seriously wrong. You can go review the threads if you'd like, and if you've got any further questions on board policy, you can send them to


Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker

Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know what?

Encouraging people to continue in behaviour that's hurting them and dangerous to others is not doing them any favours.

If we went around saying "Yup, you should definitely keep obsessing and breaking your heart over this guy!" or "Harrassing his girlfriend because she's of a different race - what a great idea!", we'd be acting in an irresponsible and destructive way.

This site exists to give honest advice and support. That means that sometimes we're going to have to tell people things which may not be precisely what they want to hear.

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 14250

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I am not saying agree with everything the people are saying. Just don't make them feel worthless, try and reword what your saying so that it is both positive and helpful at the same time.

[This message has been edited by CHICANA (edited 07-28-2003).]

Posts: 2 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm willing to bet that you haven't traced back the enitre history of the users you're defending. Might want to before you leap so fast to criticize; when a user doesn't respond to more positive and comforting advice, one often has to try a different approach: that's the nature of any sort of counseling.

I should also add that if and when another user is making threats or insinuating that they may intend to brinng harm to other people, we're going to hard-line it. That's a matter of responsibility and accountabily.

And yes, I'm in my thirties. But those of us who have gotten here also had to go through our teens first, and you're going to have a hard time finding someone in their teens now capable of paying the bills for this kind of site, being educated enough in all of what the information is we're giving, and who is willing to be legally and personally accountable and responsible for management of same 24/7 for no pay.

Lastly, per the guidelines you agreed to when you registed, please send complaints via email. When asking for respect and credibility, it is highly helpful to do so with an eye towards affording such.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 12554

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I just wanted to say that, first of all, sometimes the way things are worded can be interpreted by the reader with a different tone than was actually meant by the writer so it may come off as negative.. other times it may actually be negative, but who's to say that that isn't the right approach in the first place? I think that this site is absolutely wonderful! I used to write to but they gave crappy advice that sounded like it came from someone who has had NO real experience in any of the subjects. I think that this site offers great advice that is more often than not, exetremely helpful! I also think its amazing that people are willing to be so caring for free! Not to mention, the fact that you actually go back through the users previous posts.. thats very helpful because then you get more of what we're all about. I very happy that this site is around and I have recommended it to several of my friends. I really do sound like a suck-up right now, haha.. but i'm just giving my honest opinion.. and i wanted to say thanbs for all the great advice i have gotten since becoming a member!! : )


[This message has been edited by krayzieqt55 (edited 07-28-2003).]

Posts: 26 | From: florida | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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submitted for your review, the recent case history of diamondprincess.

you read this, chicana and figure out for yourself. if we sound harsh to some of the users, sorry, that's too bad. But when people wantonly make poor decisions, especially after being told not to (a lot of our users make repeat visits and know the sort of advice we give), it does get frustrating. Some folks need a big, fat reality check. A lot of times, Reality checks don't come in the form, "oh you poor baby! look what the big, bad world did to you!" they come in the form, "look, you got yourself into mess and you need to get yourself out. here's how..." Personally, I think being straightforward and not mincing words is the best way to go. If you don't want to be talked down to, then keep your head up and look me in the eye when i'm laying it straight, right?

Love Scarleteen? By donating just $1, you can help keep us around.

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3072

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Originally posted by CHICANA:
Then how old is "BruinDan" who tells people they are in LALA Land???

Ah yes, the enigmatic BruinDan. If you'd like, we could have a fun game of "Guess BruinDan's Age" over in It's All About You...that might be a pleasant diversion!

But no, I'm not ancient. I'm certainly not 12 anymore, but neither am I quite ready for the old folks' home. I will admit, though, to being pretty flattered that you find me to be at such a wizened and advanced age! From now on, just call me Yoda.

All kidding aside though, there are some unfortunate times when we cannot sugarcoat things. While I'm sure we'd all like to be in a place where happiness reigns supreme and nobody ever has to challenge that, again we're not talking about reality when we think that way. There are certain points when harsh things need to be said, in order to prevent even worse consequences down the road. And yes, saying such things causes us to run the risk of angering (or upsetting) good folks who don't like to hear what they don't want to hear.

But this is as much a part of the boards as it is a part of life. There are "yes-men" and "yes-women" out there who will gladly tag along and make you feel great by confirming that every decision you've made is the best darned thing goin'. Those people are dangerous because they feed you the same lines even when they know you are making mistakes that could have tragic consequences. We are not those people. I see lots of great people here, I have lots of friends here, I care about a great many people here. And I refuse to help any of those people fall into the ol' familiar downward spiral if I can help prevent it.

Being straightforward and upfront is what this site is all about. It's part of why I like it so much, and it's part of the reason we have so many terrific posters who show up day after day. In addition, it's also a big part of that reality I was talking about beforehand...and you may feel free to take it or leave it. It's completely up to you.

BruinDan, "Number Three," FHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 14222

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Milke, I disagree. I did not read or see where diamond made any threats or said she made any threats. she was expressing how she felt. that's what i read.

miz scarlet, why did you tell her he is avoiding her? throughout the post no one said that. but when you decided to close it you said it

i agree, she needs to get over him but i don't think she's scary or "stalk-y"
you need to understand that she is hurting.

but she does need to get over him

don't make diamond feel worthless like chicana said. i'm sure she is hurting worst than she was before now. and why did you tell her to take break from the site. what good will that do her?

it will probably make her feel like she is NOT wanted on this site.

and where did you get she was harrasing the girlfriend from? did she ever say she goes up to the girlfreind and says mean hateful things? did she ever tell you she ever did anything to them. what i got out of the post was that she only said she did not agree with his girlfriend dating him because she is white and he is black.

harrassing? no no. but i don't know why you guys seem to be making diamond out to be a bad person or some "SCARY" individual.

[This message has been edited by DangerouslyInLove (edited 07-28-2003).]

Posts: 8 | From: REPPIN' MIAMI AND ATLANTA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Might want to read those posts again, eh?

3. He said we couldn't go out anywhere for a while because his of girlfriend and it's "too risky."
4. He came home to visit in April but he called and visited everyone except me.
5. When I use to im him when he was in CA he wouldn't im me back until 2 hours later (b/c his girlfriend would get offline). Or when I would e-mail him he wouldn't email me back for what seemed like 50 days later.
6. And most recently when he came back home and a few weeks ago (now he's stationed only an hour away) and he came to see everyone including people from work, but not me.

That would be avoidance and evasiveness. That is what avoidance is.

If you don't think I understand hurting or heartache, you might want to reread my post as well. What I also understand and recognize is self-destructive behaviour, is self-absorption, is making poor choices and being unwilling to deal with same and move the heck on with a minimum of drama and denial.

If you don't find statements like the following to be threats:

- "I feel like seeking revenge and getting him back since he did this to me. "

- "I am even wishing bad things on him, his girlfriend and his family."

--- you may want to look word that up in your dictionary. (You may also want to note that "diamondprincess" edited nearly every one of her posts, some of which originally contained more comments like the above, and you may also want to consider for a moment that we have a certain amount of legal and personal accountability in running this site which users do not have in simply using it.)

I'm not even going to go into why we aren't about to defend racism at this site, and we shouldn't even have to be asked as to why.

Yes, I am being hard-line with you and "diamond." Why? Because it is inappropriate, and for the gazillionth time, unacceptable to post complaints about the site on the boards as stated with crystal clarity in the guidelines, and unacceptable to become completely out of control on a public board in this way, via the tone of your posts, via the invention of numerous identities and the works.

It is also inappropriate and disrespectful to second-guess our motives or tactics in this way because we run the site, I founded the site, I pay for and maintain the site, and I have been doing what I do here not only since it began five years ago, but before then for many years in various forms. Take take umpteen hours out of my day -- from paying work, and from my own leisure time, as do all our volunteers, to help here generously, expecting and knowing that most of the time what we give is not reciprocated, and many times, even when a user has been helped, goes without so much as a thank-you. It is up to our judgement completely as to when we do things like ask a user to take a break (often because it's clear to us, in a case like this one, that the drama is being esclated rather than dissipated with public posting, and is not beneficial to the user at a given point and when a user is cleasrly so out of control, we simply can no longer --nor wish to -- manage their disruptive and dysfunctional behaviour here), and when we ask that, it needs to be respected so we can run the boards and the site to the best of our ability, and that mangement is greatly hindred by posts like this one. It distracts from us answering other users who are paying attention to the guidelines and who need questions answered in a timely manner.

If you feel you're able to manage a site like this better yourself, I highly encourage you to go ahead and start one, because gawd knows, as our traffic dictates daily, everyone could use more resources like this.

But until that time, if you're going to use this one, you're going to need to respect our rules, trust our judgment and use them for that they are designed.

This post is being closed. ANY USER -- even those who are not diamond herself with a new name -- who begins another post on this to complain about the boards myself and the moderators publicly, again clearly ignoring the guidelines they agreed to follow when they registered (and that would include fraudulent posting or multiple handles), will be permanently banned from the site. It is hard enough to manage the boards as-is during the summer with everyone having WAY too much time on their hands. You want to pick a cause? Get a volunteer job.

And no, that isn't sarcasm or hostility, it's absolute sincerity and earnestness.

One last thing in case it is unclear: the IP addresses of users are logged here at the site for every post. And if you don't think we don't check them with a post like this to, oh, say, discover that one of the "defenders" is using the exact same computer the original poster did, Dangerously/diamond/blackandasiangirl, you're woefully mistaken. Do understand that that sort of fraud results in a total ban and if it continues or you appear again under yet another guise, a report is made to your ISP about abuse and (there's that word again! Might want to look that one up, too) harassment which may reult in the loss of your ISP services.

[Note: This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet]

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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I'm so angry that I am even wishing bad things on him, his girlfriend and his family. It's like I want him to get sent to Iran, Liberia or N. Korea so that his girlfriend can be worried out of her mind about him and have to suffer. I don't even care anymore if he gets sent over there because I figure that's what he deserves.

this is the quote in question. diamondprincess is spending her time wishing horrible things on this guy instead of taking the necessary steps to get on with her life. if *you* knew someone was thinking these terrible things about you and your family, wouldn't you be bothered, too? I know I would.

as for the fact that "she only said she did not agree with his girlfriend dating him because she is white and he is black."

The Main Reason I Hold So Much Animosity Against His Gf Is Not Only Because She Has What I Want But Mainly Because She Is Not The Same Race As Him. He Is Black And She Is Caucasion And I Do Not Agree With Her Dating A Black Man.

Did you not happen to notice that this was a *racist* statement? As a person whose relationships tend to be interracial, I must say, it cuts through me to know that people just can't accept other folks beyond their skin color. Reverse the statement a little. What if she said she was white and she objected to a white man going out with a black woman. Wouldn't you be enraged? we're not going to excuse bigotry on this site.

the girl needs to settle down and clear her head for a bit.

Love Scarleteen? By donating just $1, you can help keep us around.

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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