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Author Topic: What do I do?
kaync100
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My boyfriend and I have been together for three months. Everything is perfect between us but we are really shy around each other.I don;t know how to initiate closeness and he is nervous about it to ican tell. I tell him I love him all the time and hes only said it back twice he says I already no he loves me, but i like to hear it. We havnt hugged, kissed, held hands, or anything and I want so bad to be close to him. I love him with all my heart, but I still feel nervous about taking the first step.Also his mom is totally against dating (hes 17) and that makes it hard to find opportunites to be close. Hias moms afraid we'll have sex and get pregnant. We plan to wait til marriage and weve told her that but she still wont allow dating. Please help! I need advice, I lovw him soo much and I want to be close to him.


Posts: 14 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Kay, I need you to take a look at some of what you've posted here on the boards and address the highly conflicting information we've had from you over time.
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/003036.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/003053.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum2/HTML/003755.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/003313.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/003324.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum27/HTML/003326.html

...and remind you that posting false or fraudulent information here at the boards is the way to get banned, as it is profoundly against our rules, and very much not appreciated.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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retarded_brat
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Whoa...freaky!.
I'm not being rude here, I'm just curious. Are you schizophrenic?..
Or is this a thrill ride thing you get by posting stuff and making us believe it's something genuine and asking for advice?.
I mean no harm, just very intrigued and curious..

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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kaync100
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I'm sorry to be so confusing. The boyfriend I am referring to in this post (3 months)is not the same one I had sex with. We have liked each other for 3 months so I consider him to be my boyfriend.the bf I had sex with broke it off cuz he found out about the other guys I slept with at the party. I know irs confusing that Im pregnant and I was asking if I could get pregnasnt from a penis touching my vagina, this is becvause im not sure who im pregnant by and my ex bf and i were hacving friends with benefits and he did this. I am not giving false information. My friend posted from my name a while ago. it was the post about her sleeping with her bf and semen soaking through his clothes. I guess thats against the guidelines....I'll stop letting her use it.please dont ban me, I find this a very useful place cuz I have no one i can talk to bout some things
Im very sory for the confusion but I assure you Im not giving false info.

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logic_grrl
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quote:
I'm not being rude here, I'm just curious. Are you schizophrenic?..

Just FYI: people with schizophrenia don't have multiple personalities. Multiple personality disorder (which now tends to be known as dissociative identity disorder) is something else entirely.


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logic_grrl
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quote:
The boyfriend I am referring to in this post (3 months)is not the same one I had sex with.

Okay, I'm still confused. You say you've been "together" with your current boyfriend for 3 months, but just
last month
you were posting about having serial orgasms with the boyfriend you'd been having sex with for a year.

And - at the start of this month - you were hoping that the boyfriend you'd had sex with (who is now your ex, right?) was the father of your baby. In the same post, you also mentioned having unprotected penetration with another ex.

quote:
my ex bf and i were hacving friends with benefits and he did this.

But since you also said you'd had unprotected sex with him (the day before the party at which you apparently had sex with 5 guys thus causing him to break up with you but evidently remain friends with benefits - or possibly a week before that, if this was the other ex), I'm really not sure how that would be relevant. The unprotected sex creates plenty of risk all by itself!

If all of this has being going on during the 3 months you've been "together" with your current boyfriend (and you don't mention being non-monogamous ...), it's not surprising things may be a little awkward.

quote:
Hias moms afraid we'll have sex and get pregnant.

Well, given that you've apparently had unprotected sex with 7 different guys in the last few months, I'd say his mum is right to be very worried about how responsible the two of you are going to be, and not find your plan to "wait til marriage" very convincing.

Except that presumably it's too late for her to worry about your getting pregnant, since you already are.

If any of this is true, and to be honest I'm still finding it pretty confusing and contradictory, wondering how to "initiate closeness" with another guy is the least of your worries right now.

It seems very clear that you're not ready to handle sex safely right now, or to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'd seriously suggest taking a step back and not leaping into another relationship of any sort until you've got some things worked out in your own mind.


[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 06-05-2003).]

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 06-05-2003).]


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retarded_brat
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I meant Schizophrenic, not MPD.

Schizophrenia : A functional psychosis characterized by apathy, withdrawal from reality, excessive fantasy, and also in some cases delusions and hallucinations. There are several different diagnostic types.

Multiple personality disorder: A very rare dissociative disorder in which two or more fairly distinct and separate personalities are present within the same individual, each of them with his or her own memories, relationships, and behavior patterns and only one of them dominant at any given time. Also called MPD.


When I said Schizophrenic, I was referring to the "excessive fantasies and delusions" from the schizophrenia thus resulting in posts that seemed highly conflicting to say the least.

But now it seems like it was just a misunderstanding, so my apologies to kaync100.


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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)

[This message has been edited by retarded_brat (edited 06-05-2003).]


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retarded_brat
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Just read your new post logic_grrl . Maybe it WAST a misunderstanding then. I didnt check the dates of the posts. I'm pretty confused too now as to what happened!.

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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logic_grrl
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quote:
When I said Schizophrenic, I was referring to a the "excessive fantasies and delusions" from the schizophrenia thus resulting in posts that seemed highly conflicting to say the least.

Okay, just wanted to check that, as it's a common confusion.


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retarded_brat
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No worries .

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"I'm no good at putting myself in other people's shoes, I'm too busy getting my own to fit." - A.D. (Adam Duritz)


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kaync100
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Logic gurl: My current boyfriend and I have been sort of together for 3 months,and officially, for a day. We have told each other we love each other an he wants to make it official. we technically have been together for 3 months. I know its confusing but it works for us.

yes I did have sex with 7 other guys. 5 were one times when I was drunk at a party. one was my ex from 2 years ago who I had friends with benefits with ONCE. And the other was my ex who was my bf a few days ago but he dumped me. I know I should get my life in order.

I promised my current bf that I want him only. that I wont get drunk anymore and that
im truly sry for cheating. I want to get out of this life and be with my bf only. his mom doesnt no im pregnant, and shes not gonna no cuz im aborting. I have no clue who the father is and I m just not prepared for a baby. Im sry for confusing you all!! I'l try to be clearer.

"It seems very clear that you're not ready to handle sex safely right now, or to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'd seriously suggest taking a step back and not leaping into another relationship of any sort until you've got some things worked out in your own mind."

I want to be with my bf now (Chris). I dont like this way of living.

Could somebody respond to my first post? I really need advice. I love Chris but its juist really hard to maje the first move.


quote:


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logic_grrl
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quote:
I want to be with my bf now (Chris). I dont like this way of living.

No one's saying that you can't be together with him in the future.

But rushing ahead with the relationship and declaring eternal love when you've only officially been together for a day, or trying to pressure him to be more physically demonstrative than he's comfortable with right away, is not helpful or healthy.

It takes time to build a relationship, and you also need to get your own life in order in order to be a good partner in a relationship (and for your own sake).

You've got a lot to deal with right now, including the abortion (and getting STD/STI screening, I hope). And if you're serious about changing your behaviour and starting to be responsible and look after yourself, then that's going to take a lot of mental effort and commitment. That puts a lot of stress and strain on you.

So I'm serious: take a step back.

You can be "officially" together with Chris if you both want that, and you can let him know how much you care about him.

But don't look for ways to speed things up. You know, it's okay to be shy. It's okay to take time. And waiting until you both naturally feel more comfortable is likely to make things work out much better in the long run.

And you're going to have to accept that his mom has some very good reasons to be concerned. Maybe you can earn her trust, but that'll take time too.

In the meantime, these articles may help you think about what goes into a healthy relationship and taking responsibility for your own needs:

Ready or Not? –The Readiness Checklist (yes, you can still be unready even if you've had sex lots of times before)
Safer Sex... For Your Heart
Sexual Negotiations for the Long Haul
Does Abstinence make the Heart Grow Fonder? (if you're thinking about taking a temporary break from sex, which can sometimes be a very smart move)

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 06-06-2003).]


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kaync100
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I thought Id give you an update. I have an abortion scheduled for Saturday. Im really scared but i know im making the right choice. Does anyone here know what an abortion feels like? Does it hurt?
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logic_grrl
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We actually have a couple of articles about people's experiences of abortion:

Abortion – One Woman’s Story
Granny Panties


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MexiAmeriLady
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First of all I would like to introduce myself and say that this is my first time contributing to a forum! Well anyhoo... I was just reading that young lady's problems and, well, to tell you the truth, it all sounds like complete BS to me! I truly don't mean to be rude and everyone has their right to talk about whatever it may be they want to, but this girl has totally taken everything overboard. I don't know who she is, what she's like, or if she is even telling the truth. But I feel like what she is saying just twists and turns every time she posts an "update". This is to you, darling, because I think you need to talk to someone (professionally) if what you are saying is true. Apparently you have a lot of problems and all you need is to sit down and work them out! Good Luck!
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Milke
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Just as a general rule, we ask that all Scarleteen users remember to show respect and courtesy to their fellow board members at all times

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, DNFTF

The night we met I knew I needed you so
And if I had the chance I'd never let you go


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Hopeless
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HeHe...I think this is all funny. All this phyco babble about whether or not she is lying. I wouldn't do it on this message board, because I read the rules and that isn' wanted here, but on other ones, I have made up questions just because I was curious. Maybe this girl just wanted to know, and so made up a story with it, just because she was too embarassed to admit she was just curious. Another thing is, maybe she was asking about friends, or another thing is maybe she just has a twisted life. Before jumping to conclusions and bashing this girl, maybe you should stop and think about it. People make mistakes and have sex with other guys and things, and they don't really know how to fix it, but opportunities come up where they can date someone who might actually be good to them, and they want a little advice, and ya'll shoot her down.
1)His mom--if she knows your history has a right to be uncomfortable--so tell her you want to try to start new
2)First make sure this guy is acutally good before you go so far as to make a LARGE move...you seem to have been mixed up with boys before who don't respect sex, and correct me if I'm wrong...but you probably dont' want that again
3)Its cute that you are shy, and that is good, it has only been three months
4)I wouldn't go so deeply into LOVING him so strongly at just 3 months. If it gets so deep now, maybe when you finally get to know him in a few months, and you really find out that he is wonderful and you just are hit with butterflies and wonderfulness, you won't have anyway to express this because you have already used the L word. (hint: if this comes, and you have nothing else to say, and you mean it, it works to say "I am IN love with you" as apposed to I love you.--there IS A DIFFERENCE)
5) I think I'm on #5 but to answer your question, at 3 months, there is no move you should be needing to make really. Maybe in the middle of a movie, reach over and slide your hand into his, or lay your head on his shoulder. I don't know what kind of "move" you are wanting to make. If its a little more serious, try looking him in the eyes while hes saying goodbye to you, and slowly lean in for a kiss, don't close your eyes till you are sure he is going to kiss you back, or you will be standing there like a fool with your eyes closed

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Milke
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Hopeless, if you have a problem with how we run the boards, you can tell us all about it by writing to boards@scarleteen.com. That said, please try to start making posts that aren't an attack on us, other posters, or some convention that offends you. There's a lot more to life than being ticked off, please try to reflect that in what you post here.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, DNFTF

The night we met I knew I needed you so
And if I had the chance I'd never let you go


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krayzieqt55
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JUST MY OPINION>>>Regardless of whether or not these are lies.. I just wanted to say that I think you should really ask yourself why your telling this guy that you love him? If he's only said it to you twice, then he probably doesn't share your feelings. And if the two of you are so shy about things, then that means your self-conscious and have a lot of inhibitions. When you REALLY LOVE someone, you have no(or few) inhibitions around them becuase being in LOVE with someone includes accepting each other for who you are no matter what, so you shouldn't have any reason to be that shy. Of course, some things may be personal and you may not want to share EVERYTHING with your partner.. but despite that, you wouldnt be as shy about stuff the way you say you are if you were TRULY in love. How do you know that you love someone when you don't even know their REAL self because they are too shy to open up? Think about what it is about your reltionship that makes you think your in love? Most likely, it's jus an infatuation.. but no one ever said that can't grow into Love.. and you should really force yourself to open up and talk with Chris.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, go get STD/HIV tested... unprotected sex with 7 guys could be deadly!

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~*~XoX~*~


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