Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I love him so much it hurts

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I love him so much it hurts
blond ambition
Activist
Member # 9051

Icon 1 posted      Profile for blond ambition     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yesterday, my guy had a day off, and i wanted to see him, i hoped to. But i figured, oh when he says hell call, he will probably not call untill after dark.
I talked to him online for a while, and he had been on the computer a long time, but then i started getting upset over these family problems, and i told him. But he just said, poor you. So then i said i was going to go to my room, and he said hed maybe have a nap and call me later. Later in the evening i finally called him to ask him if hed like to have dinner with me and my mom, and he said yeah, but he was on his way back from out of town with his friend.
He gets to my house, we eat, go upstairs to my room, then he lays down, and i wanted to hug him, and he said find something to do, im sleeping, he wasnt mean about it, but still.
So for hours im doing my own things. Then when he finally wakes up, i think, oh he will prolly want to go on the computer, and guess what, he did...he said he had things to take care of, (but he was just having fun with his website car buddies, and he was on the computer earlier in the day)
And i had hurt my toe really bad, but he would just say oh no, how horrible. Then i went to my room, and around 11:00 he finally came up, and i knew hed have to leave in an hour. But we had fun, and before he was getting up to leave, i started crying so bad, and he held me and asked what was wrong, and i said "you had this whole day off, and i only got one good hour with you"...and he felt bad and said sorry, and i was crying so much, he started crying.
I hate that...he makes me sad, and he doesnt realize it what hes doing, he doesnt see that he is here, and i want to see him but he just does as he pleases, without thinking, then i tell him and he feels like a bad boyfriend...and wonders if i will break up with him.
should i have done something diffrent?...Should i keep it to myself, and deal with it.
I try to be understabnding and let him do what makes him happy, but i love him so much, and it just builds and builds, untill i dont know what to do with it, so when he does this, i get so emotional. And it hurts so much, i want him so bad, to be with me, to enjoy him, i dont get to very often it feels. Why does loving osmeone so mch hurt so bad sometimes?
Is this how its like with anyone else?
Does anyone have anything to say, or tell me?

thanxs for reading...


Posts: 351 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
Member # 12862

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Intense Awakenings     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You've got to let him know what you're feeling. He doesn't know that he's hurting you until you tell him. I am the same way. It's just that you want comfort and their time, and when they don't give it to you, it hurts and you feel all alone. I realize what you're going through, and I'm sure everyone else here could testify that they have also been through it. Just keep your head held high and be sure to discuss your issues with your boyfriend.

------------------

Love,
Amanda
-----------
"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Blond, couple of things to ask/think about:

1. Is this usually his manner with you? How often?

2. If it is what is it you love about him, exactly? And what is it the two of you have together that's good for you?


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
Activist
Member # 3072

Icon 3 posted      Profile for BruinDan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by blond ambition:
Why does loving someone so much hurt so bad sometimes?
Is this how its like with anyone else?

Because you're loving someone who is making it impossible for you to do so. No matter how many times you pose this question, my answer will be the same. Get out. It can only get worse.

And yes, that was what it was like with one of my exes. I felt like I was borrowing her time every time I attempted to be close to her, and she pushed me away whenever I made such attempts. Like you, I didn't think I could ever leave, and so I wasted five years of my life (can you fully understand and appreciate the sheer volume of time that is?!) trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And the entire time, it was like a Morrissey tune. Long-suffering, unchanging, unfixable. What a waste of time.

It wasn't until I finally had the courage to stand up for myself that I began to realize just how good things could be. Wait, you mean I get to be treated nicely?! You'll know when you find something like that, darlin'. And right now you haven't got that at all. You need to pick yourself up, get out of a bad situation and proceed to greener pastures. They're out there, if you can just have the strength to extricate yourself from the nightmare scenario you've got now.

My father BruinDad is an old Navy man, and imparted all sorts of nautical wisdom into me when I was going through my own bad-significant-other situation. "Son, a bad relationship is just a sinking ship. If you don't jump off and swim as far away from it as you can, you'll get sucked under and die a horrendous death." While that certainly seemed morbid to me, his next bit of advice seemed more reasonable. "Son, it's time for you to sail off. Fire up the ol' steamers, blow your horn, and get the hell out of port. It's a wide open sea out there, and there are plenty of Frigates in it."

I have no idea how he said that with a straight face, and I found it rather amusing that he'd refer to potential mates as naval vessels, but that's BruinDad for ya. And he's right, if not in so many words. If you don't get out of the downward spiral you're in now, nothing will get any better. You'll remain with someone who is no good for you while things get worse and worse, and you'll never leave open the opportunity for someone special to waltz in and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Most all of us have been there, and most all of us are damned glad we got out and found better mates. You will be too. Good luck!

------------------
BruinDan, "Number Three," PBOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 05-03-2003).]


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blond ambition
Activist
Member # 9051

Icon 1 posted      Profile for blond ambition     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
But he cried : (

He cried because he knew he hurt me.
Doesnt that count for anything?

I think he just got too comfortble with me and our relationship and started disregarding some things...not appreciating me as he used to...but after that, maybe it could be better...i think ill wait a little longer and see.


Posts: 351 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Someone crying should NOT be held up as a sole reason to salvage a relationship, blond. Nor as evidence of anything besides that a person is human and has feelings.

I'd suggest hearing Dan and perhaps trying to answer the two questions I asked you -- here, or just in your own head.

But more times than not, when someone is in a relationship like this and they hold on and on, it has less to do with wanting to be in that relationship and more to do with wanting to keep from being alone.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamieLynn33
Neophyte
Member # 9548

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamieLynn33     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey there,
I have the same problem with my boyfriend. But If I really think about it, it's not a problem. You just have to remember that people express their feelings for eachother differantly. And even more guys and girls. How long have you and your guy been together? Well mine and me have been together for 16 months. After a while you stop doing those cute little things you did at the begging at the relationship. You really know eachother now and arnt trying to impress eachother anymore. Think about your parents. Do then tell eachother they love eachother and how they think the only is wonderful, 24/7, well mine dont. Its not because they dont love eachother anymore, its just not nessacary. Sure they do nice things for eachother still but not all the time. When I cry to my boyfriend about the same reasons you do he tells me he is hurt because I dont beleive him that he loves me anymore and that i have to be told all the time to beleive him. We are at the point now where I should just know. So try not and think about your relationship when your mad, sad or scared. Because you arnt thinking clearly, its your emotions, wait untill you are both really happy and then wonder about your furture. It looks alot better that way....
Good Luck

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blond ambition
Activist
Member # 9051

Icon 1 posted      Profile for blond ambition     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so much jamie lynn


I cant get into it right now, but i will post soon again. Im tied up at the moment.
But i see exactly what your saying...sometimes i can make myself believe its a big problem, when im not feel stable enough, and soemtimes i can see, that its only a problem, because im making it one.
But we have been together over a year, and its worth so much more than giving up on so fast, just because im not always feeling clear on things.

I have to go right now, but ill write more later...and explain what im thinking.


Posts: 351 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
Activist
Member # 961

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Milke     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, my boyfriend doesn't have to try to woo my anymore, and I'd certainly say we're comfortable with each other, but that doesn't mean we've become apathetic. He still kisses me before he leaves for work each morning, he still cares about how I'm feeling, and he still makes efforts above and beyond the bare minimum because he wants me to be happy and feel loved. And, in turn, I do what I can to please him, and make sure he feels secure, and knows how much I care about him. If either of us gave up on such efforts I'm sure the other would notice, and wonder what was wrong.

It's really not that big a deal to reciprocate affection if you care about someone, and I wonder why it's not happening in this case. There are a lot of circumstances that can make relationships tricky, or even painful, but none of those circumstances should come from within the relationship. It's okay to miss someone who's far away, or who's been kept bust with important obligations. Missing someone who's in the same room as you, but feels distant is a sign of a problem. Some relationships can go through really difficult things, and survive, some even come out stronger for the experience. But it requires a lot of work on everyone involved, and it sounds like only one person is giving it here. If he's not willing to shape up FAST, I'd say this relationship's doomed.

------------------
Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In addition, when you start to rationalize being treated poorly as you asking too much, or being oversensitive, it's a very good sign that you're in some pretty deep denial about the state of your relationship.

EVERYONE deserves simple, common courtesy. Even from strangers on the street, let alone from partners.

There is no medal given for whoever sticks it out the longest in a relationship. If it's not good for you, sticking around and waiting for a miracle isn't a sound answer, and it speaks volumes about your lack of care for YOURSELF.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
frozendreams
Activist
Member # 7638

Icon 1 posted      Profile for frozendreams     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
me and my hubby has had our share of ups and downs like that and we have been together for over four years (with one 3 month seperation) and he holds me and tells me he loves me and he still tries to impress me as much as he can like taking me out to dinner and a movie or something. although we are very comfortable with each other we hug, kiss, hold hands and all of that. we love each other and we show it as much as we can.

my friends boyfriend wont touch her hug her kiss her or do anything with her and i have been telling her to leave him because he doesnt show her that he cares about her. and that is what it sounds like to me that you are going through. if you tell him how you feel and he doesnt even try to be a little different and compromise (50-50) i would get out of the relationship and find someone that gives you the attention that you desire, you should have everything you want in a relationship and it doesnt seem to me that your current boyfriend fulfills all of your needs.

but dont forget that if he needs space give it to him or he could feel suffocated and break off the relationship anyway.

i know that relationships are difficult and alot of hard work but if there is compromise, love, and communication then it can be a truly wonderful thing.


Posts: 118 | From: dayton ohio usa | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The1andonlyAmber
Activist
Member # 12779

Icon 1 posted      Profile for The1andonlyAmber     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I used to fell like that Blonde, but when I took a step back I realised that there was no problem too.

My boyfriend used to ask me what, why etc, and when he did I'd just cry, mainly I think now because I really didn't know. Then he would cry and say sorry and that he would be more... well more.

But then I would realise that it's ok if he just wants to know that I'm there and we're not activly together by that I mean doing somthing or being side by side.
knowing I'm close is enough, I know that if I really do want him he'll stop all that he's doing and he knows this if I say "please, come over" instead of just "come over tonight".

Understanding and communication

------------------
Why is it that the person that makes you cry, is the only one who can make you stop.

[This message has been edited by The1andonlyAmber (edited 05-06-2003).]


Posts: 51 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XxVolcomblissxX
Neophyte
Member # 12985

Icon 7 posted      Profile for XxVolcomblissxX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, my boyfriend and me have been going out for like 8 months and we are kinda the same way u and your boyfriend are. My b/f yells at me when he cant get things his way (but he doesnt notice it) and when i tell him he is doing it, it denies it. I love him so much and he loves me so much. Sometimes i feel i should break up with him because he treats me so bad sometimes but then he cries cuz he doesnt want to lose me. I have tried and tried to explain to him my feelings but all he does is get more mad and more mad. So i decided not to worry over it. I'll do my thing while he does his thing. And thats that lol. See i met so many other HOT SURFER BOYS and they so much sweeter than my boyfriend, but i love my boyfriend so much that i cant lose him lol. I guess my advice to you is, love him, hang on to him, and do the same thing he does to you and make him feel your pain! Hope everything works out!
Posts: 2 | From: United States | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have simply got to say this, because frankly, I cannot endorse martyrdom or anyone suffering in relationships and telling others to do same.

If your partner cannot communicate with you or vice-versa, if he or she is hurtful to you, says hurtful things, cannot emotionannlly support you in good times and the bad ones, and if you are unnhappy, what you do NOT do is stick around forever and ever.

There are no prizes issued for those who suffer the lonngest in relationships. No one is impressed, you don't get a free ticket to heaven when you die for it. The rest of the world doesn't lokk at y'all and say, "Wow, what a selfless person." We say, "Geez, how bloody sad."

A person who sticks around in a bad relationship after every earnest attempt to solve problems and make it better fails is not a better person, or a better partner or a saint. They are a person likely lacking in basic self-respect, self-love and self-preservation. And without those things, not only can you not HAVE a healthy relationship with anyone else anyone, and good judgement about them, you can't love and care for yourself.

I am seriously dismayed when I see women -- of any age, but younger women appear to do it more -- encourage others to stay in what makes them unhappy because they do themselves and want to feel better about it.

In a word, if your relationship cannot be fixed -- or your partner has no interest in solving serious problems or treating you kindly -- you leave. If you don't, then at a certain ppoint the person making you suffer most? It's you.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peter
Neophyte
Member # 4140

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Peter     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I may sound like a cold hearted man, but I would suggest cutting through all the b.s., getting the pain over now, ending things, and finding someone else to fall in hopeless love with who has a bit more maturity and respect for you and himself.
Posts: 23 | From: Seattle WA USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aileen_Asphodel
Neophyte
Member # 13024

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aileen_Asphodel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I must say, I agree with Peter-- if my boyfriend ever treated me the way yours behaves towards you, you'd better believe he'd get an earful! It means a lot to both of us that we care about each other-- loving someone can also mean getting them an extra pillow when they have PMS cramps and being sympathetic when someone feels like moping because they got more grades on the pop quiz.

It seems like your boyfriend sees you as a fair-weather amusement-- as long as you're happy and friendly and he's in a good mood, great. But that's only half of a relationship. It hurts because he's not really showing that he loves, or even cares about you.

And crying does not make him a better boyfriend! I can understand your desire to hold your relationship together, but, not to be harsh, it doesn't sound like there's a lot to hold together! Unless this lack of regard for your feelings is a new thing, I'd say that you're being taken advantage of. Reading your first post really made me feel for you-- I'd hate to be in this situation and I wish the best of luck.

[This message has been edited by Aileen_Asphodel (edited 05-12-2003).]


Posts: 14 | From: Williamsport, PA, USA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3