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Author Topic: I don't know what to do with my boyfriend
angelkakes9
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Member # 9873

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We have been going out for a while. Almost 2 years. He has never really been the super affectionate type, but he had his own ways of being sweet. It seemed that everything has gone down hill since August of last year. He went on a month long vacation and came back in late August. We had been together for over a year back then, when he saw me for the first time in a month, he just said "hey". From then on for a while he was in a bad mood, because he missed the spot where he vacationed, because that is where he is originally from. But it seems to me that in the little things he does or doesn't do, he doesn't really care for me, but yet, we still go out today. Like about a week after he came back from vacation it was my birthday. All of his vacation he told me how he spent an unbelivable amount of money on drinking and partying out in the clubs every night. When it came time for my birthday, he came to my house around 11:00pm, stayed for a 1/2 hour, said he was tired and went home. He wouldn't even come inside off my stoop to see my family and have cake. He didn't give me a birthday present til 3 months later. For Christmas, I asked him to go to midnight mass with me, he said he didn't want to. We had a little snow storm at Christmas. My parents are anal about the bad weather, so they wouldn't let me go out. I asked him to come. He didn't come until really late and then only stayed for an hour. For New Years we went to his Uncles house. When the ball dropped, everybody was kissing everybody and he didn't kiss me until he was driving me home and I pointed out the fact that he didn't do it. For Valentines Day I bought him a gift, and when he broke his arm I bought him a flower and balloon and video game and a teddy bear. For Valentines Day he told me it was a stupid holiday that only girls like. He did by me a present. He told me it was my birthstone on a silver chain. I was so excited because I always wanted something special like that, that i could wear, and it is a nice symbol of his love. To this day I still don't have the necklace. I thought I could get it if I got him a little something, we could do a trade. I tell him about it. He said he will get the present from his grandpas house. I go out and meet him at his work to say hello and do the trade. He says that he doesn't know where it is. He then sees his present sticking out of my purse and says "is that for me", takes it out of my purse before I could answer and rips open the present. He yells at me all the time because I call him on friday and ask him what time he is coming home and if he could come home earlier so we can spend time together. He goes away to college but comes home on the weekends to work and see me, well kind of. He ignores me in public. When I came up to his college for halloween he spent the whole time drinking, smoking and playing video games with his friends. I didn't know anybody, but thankfully met 2 nice girls and spent the day with them. The only time I spent with him was when we went to a diner at 3 in the morning. When we had a Christmas party at our work, he yet again ignored me. All the couples would occasionally exchange kissed and hugs. He actually ducked underneath my arm when I tried to hug him. He says he doesn't like the public display, but there is nothing wrong with a peck here and there. He tells me I call too much. I call him maybe once a day and that is after 9 so he won't get over charged. I will admit, I do like to text message though. My mission in this relationship has been to do nothing but make him happy. I buy him stuff all the time. I offer to pay for video rentals and lately he just expects it. I just want him to be happy. But it seems that he just really doesn't care. We got into an arguement on the phone the other day because he didn't call and tell me that our plans changed. He told me that he doesn't care what I think. He said he is gonna do what he wants when he wants and he doesn't have to give me a call if he isn't gonna make it home on time. Oh, Oh, when it comes to sex, forget it. If he finishes, sex and everything else, is done. He can finish up to like 3 times in a session and I won't even finish once. I can think of like 3 times in our whole sexual relationship that he has offered to finish me up. I can't even remember the last time i orgasmed. He tells me I am his bestfriend. Bestfriend! I like to see how he treats his enemies. I think he is being very selfish in many things he does, and when I try to talk about it, he says I am whining and complaining. He is like, "What do you want now!". He makes me feel like a loser. I cry alot. But at the same time, I don't think I could leave. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he is my first. Maybe i am just too comfortable. I just can't see him ever changing and being more affectionate physically and emotionally with me. I just feel the way he treats me that if I broke up with him today, I don't think he would try to stop me. There are some good things about him. He isn't totally mean all the time, I guess that is what keeps me around. What would you do in my situation? Please help. I got so upset yesterday I had a headache and stomach ache that just wouldn't leave me alone.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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My God. That novel could easily have described life with one of my exes. So forgive me for my impending bias:

Get. Out. Now.

I really can't stress enough how important it is to fly the coop when you start noticing patterns like these. Try re-reading your entire post and see how it makes you feel. Got that little sucking feeling in the pit of your chest? There ya go. It's all too familiar, and I can assure you that there are quite a few of us around here who've been down that road before.

Sometimes people just change. There are a variety of reasons why this may have happened. He could have had the time of his life while on vacation and decided he liked the swingin' single life, or he could have simply decided that being paired off wasn't for him and acted accordingly. Either way, it is not your fault, and there's nothing you can do now (or could have done beforehand) that will offer you a degree of control in what has happened. To put it bluntly, there just isn't much left, my dear.

And I'm sorry to hear that. I know it hurts like hell, and I know what I'm about to suggest is going to hurt like hell, but there just isn't any way around it. You're going to have to gather up all the strength you have and leave. It's not going to be easy, but neither is sticking around and hoping for a miracle that will never come.

You've drawn up an entire litany of reasons why the relationship isn't working for you, and it appears the only thing in your favor right now is familiarity itself. All too often we cling to what's familiar because the other option is just so daunting. Fear of the unknown is a great equalizer. It keeps us in places we really shouldn't be, and it makes it hard for us to abandon that safe spot for pastures that are undoubtedly greener. This is one of those cases where you just need to let go of a bad thing to find something better.

Of course it's emotionally messy, and don't think I don't have some of that stuff hanging on after spending a good portion of a five-year relationship hoping things would miraculously get better. Like you, I somehow went from boyfriend to "best friend," and all the signs were exactly as you've pointed out. And so I hung around and hung around and hung around some more, waiting for lightning to strike. It struck alright, but not in the manner I'd expected. Being cheated on did it for me...are you going to wait for that to happen, if it hasn't already?

This person who's been there before advises against doing that. I've walked away from good things and felt far less pain than when I hung around for years and got cheated on. Neither one is palatable, but sometimes you really need to look out for your own emotional well-being. And if that means gettin' the hell out of Dodge before things degenerate further, then that is what you need to do.

Another huge problem many people have with walking away from serious (but failing) relationships is that they have often neglected (whether wittingly or unwittingly) other friends in favor of the all-important significant other. It happened to me and I've seen it happen to others, and the consequences usually don't manifest themselves until the point where they are the most problematic. Basically, finding out you've drifted apart from some close friends becomes many times worse when you make that discovery during the course of a breakup. There you are, needing friends to rely on; when lo and behold you look around and find them off with other people. It's shocking, and that fear alone is enough to prompt many people in bad relationships to stay in those relationships...rather than having to deal with that scary outside world again.

I could put you to sleep with this stuff, I'm sure, but I'll try not to. I guess this is what happens when you finally get to those greener pastures and have a chance to look back upon the wasteland you came from! Go and give yourself that chance. The Air Force teaches you to eject from a stricken airplane and get as far away from the flaming wreckage as you can; and this concept can easily be applied to a doomed relationship. Get out of it, and get as far from it as you can. You don't need the trouble it attracts, and you don't need the damage it can cause. You need something better, you deserve something better, and you can easily find something better.

Take care of yourself, darlin'. And know that at the very least, you've got friends here to take care of you as best we can. Good luck!

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BruinDan, "Number Three," PBOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DiamondGirl2K
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Oh no girl that is just too much for me. I cannot handle something like that. It sounds to me like he is very selfish and cruel to you. You need to get away from him because making yourself sick is unacceptable no matter what. He doesn't love you because love isn't supposed to hurt--at least not like that honey. Trust me, it would be in your best interest if you break ties with this child. I says child because that's how he's acting. You should not allow yourself to be treated like dirt. He doesn't respect you or himsef for that matter. Get out before it is too late. Trust me on this.

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*~DiamondGirl~*
~n~
*~Boogie Black~*
'2003'
9~27~01
@<<-----
Still Going Strong!
Forever and Always!


Posts: 137 | From: The Home of The Greatest: NY | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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