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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » feelings for others

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Author Topic: feelings for others
starlight23
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Member # 9388

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I could tell my whole story, all long and complicated, but I'll make this short.

Do you think it's wrong, or hurts/taints a relationship if you have feelings/an attraction to another person other than the boy/girl you are with? Provided you don't act on it at all. And it's a long term thing where you really love each other.

Just need some opinions and well...my best friend is MIA...so any responses or thoughts would be great.

Thanx

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*Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.*

*Star*Light*

[This message has been edited by starlight23 (edited 04-15-2003).]


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KittenGoddess
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Member # 1679

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First of all, I'd point out that as humans, we're all social beings (to varying degrees). It's perfectly natural for us to see other people and be attracted to them on many different levels. That's how we begin relationship as well as friendships. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that we can turn off our attractions to other people totally. That's a rather unreasonable thing for us to expect to be able to do. So yes, it's totally normal to feel attractions to other people. What would be more unhealthy is to try to turn off those really natural feelings or to expect a partner to do so. We are social, we will have attractions no matter what.

What matters is how much stock you place in those attractions and what you do with those feelings. If having those feelings make you feel like you'd rather be with someone other than your current partner, then that may be an indication that you're looking for someone else. For example, I've been in a wonderful relationship for over two years now. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and have no desire whatsoever to leave him. But that doesn't stop me from appreciating attractive people at the mall. I also meet people who emotionally or mentally are attractive to me. And I know my partner has the same sorts of experiences.

My point is that attraction isn't really something we can turn on and off like a light switch. We're social, that's what we do. If you're comfortable in your relationship and are happy as you are, then why stress over it?

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KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Sexpert (and Labia Lady)


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AlwaysWorried
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I got this and decided to channel it into having a better friendship with the other person. We are very open about things and if one of us has a problem we discuss it and it tends to end up working out. That's something we wouldn't have if I had tried to be with her or if I started staying away from her when I realised about my feelings for her.

As long as you don't act on them (or you're sure about them first) it should be Ok.


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a_c_munson
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Finding someone attractive or developing a crush on someone who isn't your chosen partner should not hurt/ taint or anything else a commited relationship. Some people who are insucure in the relationship may feel threatoned by it though.
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starlight23
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Thank you all for responding. I feel pretty much the same as all of you...it's healthy and its not something you can control.

My b/f and I both found people this summer when he was away that we were attracted to. But I know I wouldn't rather be with this other kid than him. And he told me he would rather be w/ me b/c he loves me, he just has some things in common (like wanting to be a classics major...dont find those everyday) and so there was a connection and all that. I felt a little bad, but its not something I can control, and I'm ok w/ that, and I'm ok w/ him having those feelings, provided he doesn't act on them, and I know he would never do that to me.

Thanks again.

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*Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.*

*Star*Light*


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