Hello, I'm 17 and my girlfriend is 18. We've been going out for about a year, and we've never kissed. About 6 months ago, after we were watching a movie at my house, she was going home and I asked her for a goodnight kiss. (I'm kinda shy, I wanted to kiss her for a long time, but i finally asked her.) She said that she wasn't really a kissing kind of person. I dunno, but this kinda bothered me. My biggest fear is pressuring her, so I never really asked her agin, but I did ask her why she didn't ever want to kiss me. She said that she just doesn't like it. she said that she was picked on in high school, and kinda suffered from depression- I never noticed this, really. But I didn't know her back then. I don't know if this explains why she's the way she is. I should clarify, it's not just kissing. When we first started going out, (march of last year) she never was really comfortable with hugging, it seemed, although she never said anything. Up until this christmas vacation, she would always hug me on the side, like she was afraid to touch me very much, and she's always pull away very quickly. Now she'll hug me a bit longer. she doesn't seem uncomforable when I put my arm around her when wer'e hanging out or watching movies, but she never does that to me. She's never really initiated anything, holding hands, hugging, or cuddling. I know she likes me, but I'd like her to show it. I've talked to her before, a little but I get nervous and shy and wuss out, if I want to bring it up. I want to tell her I love her... I talked to my mom, and she thinks it's weird that we've never kissed, and I know all of my classmates have gone much further. My biggest fear is asking her to do something she doesn't want to... I can accept it if this is just the way she is. She says she's never kissed a guy before and that she's not afraid of kissing wrong. When we go to rent a movie, the first thing she looks at is the rating, she won't watch anything with any nudity or sexual situations in it, but other than that, her favorite movies are action movies with lots of guns and shooting .
I don't really know how to explain it, but it's hard having a girlfriend that you know likes you but won't show it.
I'd say there's something a little deeper going on here beyond her simply not wanting to kiss you.
Have you ever really talked to her about it? I don't just mean about her unwillingness to be physically intimate with you, but about her feelings about those things in general? While you may not have noticed her depression back then, that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. Nor does it mean that it's necessarily over, finished and forgotten. It's possible that something happened during that period of her life that has made her shy of physical situations now. Did she seek treatment during that time? I'd suggest too that rather than thinking of her as someone who won't show you affection that you consider that perhaps she simply can't show you affection. Perhaps she isn't comfortable with it for one reason or another and therefore simply cannot kiss you or be intimate with you.
I'd definately suggest that you talk to her about this. Just try to start an open dialog to find out what's going on with her and maybe why it is that she's actually feeling. It sounds to me like maybe she's wanting you to ask about it. But I would definately say that you should be careful how you approach her. An attitude of "You're my girlfriend and you should show me affection. I want you to be physically affectionate with me. What's wrong with you?" is definately not the way to go. It's quite possible that this is not her fault, and you certainly don't want to make her feel as though you think it is. But do try to talk to her, really open up to her and see what happens.
Beyond that, definately don't pressure her. Perhaps she's just simply at a point where she doesn't feel comfortable with physical contact, if that's what it is then that's just what it is. Or if it's something else, then perhaps she (or both of you) should seek some professional help to work on whatever the problem is. There's a difference between asking and talking about things and pressuring someone to do something, right? So it's totally possible for you to talk to her and for the two of you to have a dialog about the problem (which you really should have) and for neither one of you to feel pressured.
Thanks a lot for your help. I think that's a good idea, to focus more on the relationship. Today, I went out with her and her family shopping (in the city she goes to college in). Her mom told me that next time she comes home they're going to take her to see a doctor about her OCD and depression. I didn't mention anything to her yet- but anyway I think this will be helpful for her. Thanks again
Posts: 9 | From: MN | Registered: Feb 2003
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I kind of had this similar issue. Except I my boyfriend dumped me because of it, and obviously lied about it. His problem he had was I never made the first move. So if you really care about your girlfriend, you probably did the best thing to talk to her parents. Hopefully your outcome will be better than mine has! Good Luck
Posts: 71 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2003
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We never kissed, she hugged me once but it was very quick and she seemed uncomfortable..
Recently I was at a friends house late and so was she and we were alone and she only say on the couch away from me atlweast 7 feet and wouldnt let me sit next to her cuz she thought id do something and when she dated her ex he did kiss her a few times but she was really stiff about it and cant kiss long.. but me and her never got anywhere with it.
We kept going back and forth the apst month unsure of what me and her were I clearly explained its due to her lack of physical contact.. treat a friendship like a friendship and it turns into one.. we seemed to work it all out... but then this Friday she broke up with me for a differeny guy.
The same guy who tried to luire her to his room a week or so ago...
So, Im sure it wont last long considernig the way she is.
I really do love this girl.. and I was willing to go for atleast a year without doing anythign with her.. I waited for a sign to show she was ready and never got it.
I really dont understand her sometimes, but I want too..
Being shy of contact is something I went through, I was never one for physical contact to start with. Basically, for the first 2 or so months of the relationship, I didn't initiate contact at all, my gf had to do it. We didn't kiss until we had been together for about 3 months and then she pretty much had to say "Just kiss me, Ok?". It took me til about 5-6 months into the relationship to start exploring her body with my hands (can't think how to phrase it), and she had been getting me alone in her bedroom for at least a few months before that.
It was really wierd because I knew she wanted to do all this stuff, yet I was scared to do it in case she didn't.
I've pretty much got over it now, but we haven't had sex (intercourse) yet despite her sleeping over my house two nights in a row when my parents were away. We've done everything except that.
Posts: 125 | From: Leicestershire, England | Registered: Jun 2002
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Well, first off, Swimmer, I think it's great that you're sticking by your girlfriend, and being patient. But your frustration is completely understandable!
It took me a while to warm up to being physical with my boyfriend. I totally second KittenGoddess's advice-- there's often some underlying issue why people don't want to be close. For me, it was confusion about my sexual orientation, but it can be all sorts of things. Investigating her depression might help. I hope she learns to trust you. It's great that you're trying to help her instead of giving up.
Wow, thanks everyone. I thought I was the only one to ever have trouble like this. She went to a doctor last monday for OCD and stuff, but she doesn't like talking about it. I think it'd be good for her to talk about how she feels, but I think it's very difficult for her to do any of that.
I think I overstressed the physical aspect in my first post and didn't really mention the other stuff. I think she's just a little uncomfortable in any intimate or romantic relationship.
you know what, i think i am a little like your girlfriend. i guess maybe my case is not so "serious"...
i'm a very emotional person, and i need a lot of physical affection such as hugging and cuddlying (with family,friends, and not just with a boyfriend). i've always had low self esteem and i think this helps me feel better and that people like me.
only problem is i don't get too close to most people. like, 99% of the people i know would never imagine i'm like this, so sensitive and caring, because for some reason i hold it all inside and never show how i really feel, it's just the way i've always been, although i've worked on it to be more open, and i think i'm better than before.
anyway, i think you're showing here you really care about her. otherwise you'd have left her. that's really great, i have to tell you .
i also think you can help her slowly get out of her little shell. show her how much you care, tell her (don't be shy, after all you care so much about eachother...). try not to hug her or be very close in places with many people, i think that should make her feel "worse", go for the more hidden places and then just hug her and talk to her like that. tell her that she doesn't need to feel pressured to do anything she's not comfortable and that you're there to help her overcome whatever fears she has
just be there for her
i'm saying this because i was really like her. but then i had a good boyfriend (my first and only actually), who helped me a great deal and i changed a lot (to better) with him.
for me, a boyfriend must be my best friend, and i think you can be that to her
Like anja, I was a little like your girlfriend too. In my first relationship, I had gone out with the guy for about 4 months, before I even kissed him on the cheek. In all honesty, I was basically afraid, I didnt know how, didn't know what it would feel like, if i would do it wrong, if i would like it, etc. And he didnt want to push me, so it put the pressure on me to take the step and just go for it. It was not fun. I was gonna say that maybe she needs a little time, but I think she's had enough time; you need to tell her what you said here and give her some encouragement. Once I got over my fears, its all great; sometimes I cant stop myself from showing affection! ^^ good luck!!
------------------ Love is natural, and everything that goes with it. ;)
I'd suggest NOT bringing either up with your girlfriend nor anyone else.
1)It could be the OCD and depression. Probably the most likely case. I'm surprised and almost disturbed that her Mother decided to tell YOU about this. Her Mom apparently likes and trusts you quite a bit.
As a guy who's had more than a few girlfriends, the Mom at least is a keeper. Generally I make a decent impression on parents, but there was this one mother in High School who thought I was the spawn of Satan.
2) Could be a family intimacy issue. No, that's nothing dirty, just a family where nobody touches one another, or expresses affection in a normal, healthy way. Your girlfriend may not be comfortable being kissed or held because she's not used to it.
As I was growing up, my mother had a tendency to be overly touchy/kissy. Again, not in a "wrong" way, it just annoyed me. I'm PERFECTLY comfortable being touched/kissed by people I'm involved with, but I'm known to physically recoil from other people touching me unexpectedly (outside of handshakes and the like).
I particularly do not enjoy people walking up and unexpectedly putting their hand on my shoulder and the like. It's something I've had to try hard to get over. We all have our intimacy comfort levels.
3) It's entirely possible your girlfriend has a history of sexual abuse. There's really not a nice way for you to bring this question up in a delicate manner. So don't. Even if it did happen, she'll deny it and be very offended that you suggested it. If she ever volunteers that she was raped and/or molested, your job as a boyfriend becomes a much more difficult one. Please don't be a dick. With professional help she can get over her problems with intimacy. Try to be the most underestanding boyfriend you can be. Sounds like you've got that part covered thusfar.
4) Probably least likely is a sexual orientation issue. I know you don't want to think about this one. NEVER EVER EVER suggest to her that you're thinking this. That'd be perceived as a really ugly way of blackmailing her into moving towards your intimacy comfort level. And it'd make you a downright scumbag.
Most gay/lesbian teens are very conflicted. They've just sort of discovered that they're not only different from "everyone else" (or it seems so because the other gay people they know are also closeted or haven't figured it out yet). They've gone through their life being trained by society to hate and fear homosexuals, and now they are one of "THEM."
Suicide rates for gay teens are unfortunately high.
Me being a shyish guy I tended in my younger days to attract gay women who weren't quite sure of their sexuality. Since I seemed rather non-aggressive I was a "safe bet." As I grew more comfortable with them and tried to get more intimate they'd tend to break off the relationship.
A few years later I'd discover my ex had come out. Generally they tend to seem happier after they've figured themselves out.
One of my gay ex-girlfriends I get along with much better now than when we were dating. We hang out together, and have similar tastes in women. Sometimes her girlfriends don't like her hanging out with her "ex-boyfriend" so generally I'm introduced as an old friend.
Yeah, thanks for the help, Timmer and everyone. I think that it's mostly #1 and a bit of #2. Yeah, her mom really likes me and trusts me a lot. I suppose it's because I spend so much time with her family. She knows that my girlfriend isn't very comfortable talking about her OCD. She went to the doctor, and she's gonna get medicine for it, when school's over. (in case it reacts poorly, so she'll be home)
Really, all of you guys and girls should watch out for family and boyfriends/girlfriends with OCD and stuff. I mean, it's not really something you notice right away, but when you get to know that person you'll probably notice. There are plenty of resources where you can read about OCD on the internet, I won't mention specifics. 1 out of 50 people in the US have it, so I've heard/ But there are lots of little things. For example she won't let anyone in her room. I've never been in it, and she doesn't seem to want her mom in it even. No one can touch her bed. She keeps all her reciepts- always. And so forth. It gets really hard, sometimes. Like, before I couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me in her bedroom. (don't think anything nasty, now ) As if she didn't trust me enough or something. She wouldn't share secrets or private information with me like other friends (and boy/girlfriends) would do. So it's hard, but not impossible.
Swimmer- - I have to admire your patience!! I have never heard of a boy being so patient and caring for a girl. You are a rare find, and she is very lucky indeed.
Posts: 29 | From: Misssissuaga, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003
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