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Author Topic: My boyfriend.
thisonecanbe
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My boyfriend, Luke, is really having a hard time right now.. He graduated last year and wants to go to college. He doesn't have a license/permit or a job. His parents don't motivate him at all. They don't push him to do anything. In fact, they smoke pot and pop pills. (Sadly.) Sometimes he gets really depressed because of the situation he is in. He doesn't know what to do to get our of it. He wants to get his license and possibly a car and get on with his life, but everytime he plans to do something, he'll wake up that day and his parents have gone somewhere. His mom will say she'll do something, and she keeps putting it off. I want to help him but I don't know what to do. His brother is like 20 and still living at home without a job. The only positive step Luke has taken is mailing in his packet to take the ACT and he's scared that maybe his parents didn't even send it in or they did it wrong.
Any suggestions?

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?


Posts: 63 | From: nowhere | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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I'd suggest your boy start taking his life into his own hands here. Yes, it would be nice if his parents would help him and if he could count on them to do things, but clearly he can't. So if he wants to get anything done, he's going to have to do it himself. As far as mailing things like ACT packets or college applications later, he needs to do it himself so that he knows it gets done. I know that on things like that there are sometimes parts that parents have to fill out or sign...I'd advise him going to his parents with pen in hand and standing there while they sign/fill out whatever and then taking it back to mail out himself.

It may sound harsh, honey, but "The Lord/Fate/whatever other deity (or not) you want to call on helps those who help themselves," as the saying goes. Your boy's out of high school now, he's gotta take some responsibility for his life. And if his parents won't help him, then he's gotta figure out who else he can get help from and he needs to get out there and do things for himself. If he wants a liscence or a car or a job or a college education then he is the one who's going to have to do it. Is there someone else who might be able to help your boy out? Another family member, someone in your family, an older friend? Anybody at all who might know what needs to be done and can at least show him what to do (but remember, he's still going to have to self-motivate enough to get it done).

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KittenGoddess
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[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 11-04-2002).]


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thisonecanbe
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Thanks for the advice.. It seems like I've been telling him the same things...
I love him so incredibly much.. He is such a beautiful and understand person and I want to be with him more than anything in the world. But this is killing me. It makes me NOT want to be with him because he isn't doing anything. Trust me, I want to help him and I don't want to break up at the first sign of bad times. (we've had 'em before, after three years)
I just feel like if I don't say something to him about things, he isn't going to do anything at all. *sigh* He knows there are things wrong. At least he realizes it and admits it. That's the first step, right?

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?


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StarsApart
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hey,

My parents aren't druggies, but I had to do all my college stuff by myself, too. I registered for the SAT's. I filled out my applications. I brought home the financial aid stuff [which of course my parents had to do a lot of too]. I filled out job applications... etc. If your boyfriend isn't willing to get to community college and start his life and his education, then it is his own fault, not his parents. A friend of mine at college has a mom who is seriously messed up - an addict - and she got into this school [Mount Holyoke if you care to check the US News stats]. If he needs your help staying focused then of course that's cool, but after a certain point it's going to become obvious that he'd rather complain about his life than change it, and that's when you're going to have to move on.


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TheCagedOne
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Ya know, I was in a situation very similar to this a while back. My parents really didn't push me to go to college, although they didn't hold me back either. What I learned through these experiences was that if something really needs to get done, you can't rely on others for it, you have to personally be sure it's done. If your boyfriend graduated last year, I'm guessing he's over 18. Legally, there are a lot of things he can do without his parents having to hold his hand. He needs to realize what he needs to do, and then get it done.
As I said, my parents didn't really push me, and because of circumstances in my family, I didn't really have the motivation to go to college either. Luckily for me, in the midst of all this, I met my girlfriend. She helped me realize that the quicker you start something, the quicker it gets done. She knew that I really did want to go to college, but that I just wasn't motivated. She never quit telling me how important college was, or how much she loved me. She pushed me, but she also supported me, which was what I needed. As it turns out, I "saw the light" so to speak. I got a job, saved some money, took some night classes, and when I was ready, went back to college full time.
Now, although this all turned out fairly well for me and my girlfriend, that's not to say it wasn't difficult at times. I know she got very frustrated with me on occasion, nearly to the point you're at I'm sure. But she stuck with me, and that's what made the difference. It was difficult for me too. Money was tight and so was time, but really, if something is that important to you, you find a way to make it work.
I'm glad your boyfriend realizes something is wrong, and you're right, that is the first step. Encourage him not to stop there though. I'll leave you with one thing my girlfriend always told me...make sure he's doing this for HIM as well as you. Doing it just to please you could definately lead to problems later. He has to want this.
Good Luck!

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"A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey"
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"We're all here cuz we're not all there"


Posts: 52 | From: Usually somewhere between MI & FL - currently KY | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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I can definately relate to that frustration and that little nudging fear that he'll never do anything at all. It was definately difficult when my boyfriend and I went through a very similar situation. He did want to go to college, but he wasn't motivated enough to do it on his own. And he didn't really even know where to begin, and that's scary. We did make it through though, so it can turn out well in the end.

I think part of the key to both helping him and to keeping yourself sane is to be helpful, but not hold his hand or be too pushy. Personally, I know that there were times when I was too pushy in our situation and wasn't helpful in the right way. You're 16, right? That makes it a bit harder for you to help him since you've never been through the college/job process either (I was already in college when my boy and I started down this road). I'd say a good place to start is with a piece of paper and a pen. Outline what needs to be done and what steps he needs to take to accomplish them. Do either of you know someone who has gone through the college application process? They would be a great resource to guide your boy through the red tape. The next resource I'd recommend is your local library or bookstore. Get one of those big books of colleges. Sit down together and look at the various colleges and majors listed. Have him choose several that sound good and then get online and send off for info, or send a request via snail-mail or phone. Look at the information together, maybe even visit a few campuses! You shouldn't have to actually do this stuff for him...but rather just be there with him while he does it. I think sometimes it seems alot less daunting if somebody you know and trust is sitting beside you just for support.

As far as a job goes, you'll just have to continue to be supportive as much as possible. Encourage him...maybe sit down and make another list of possible work opportunities that he might enjoy? But in the end all this really is up to him to actually get out there and accomplish. The best you can do is be supportive and help out where you can.

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KittenGoddess
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thisonecanbe
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I try to explain to him that MY parents are here and would help him if he ever needed it.. I don't know.. I'm sure it will all turn out how it is supposed to.

Just for clarification, I'm 17 (18 in December!) (And I'm currently applying to colleges as well.)

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?


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thisonecanbe
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Ugh, I have another concern, and since it pertains to the same subject, I figured I'd just save room and put it in this thread...

I feel like my mom/parents always TRY to find something wrong with my boyfriend. Like I said, he has no license or job yet. (He really is working on it, from what he's told me! *maybe my prayers are working. * )
Anyway.. My sister and I were babysitting, and his brother dropped him off for like 30 minutes..
Well, (not that I blame her!) my mom made a big deal out of it and she asked me, "who brought him?"
And I said, "his brother." And she sorta made this face.. and replied, "has he [his brother] got a job yet?"
I said, "no, I don't think so." And of course, she made another 'face.' I started getting upset. I told her, "if you're so concerned, you talk to them!"
She replied with, "I just don't want him to be selling drugs or anything!" (Mind you, earlier in the day she had watched Blow.)

That upset me SO bad.. I cried.. I don't know.. It just makes me mad that she says stuff like that. My sister's boyfriend is failing the 12th grade (and I would have got ripped if Luke had been failing.. I am being given a hard time because Luke hasn't gone to college!) and the only reason they don't say anything about his bad grades is because he has cystic fibrosis. (spelling?) But the truth is, he leaves school to get breathing treatments.. (understandable.) but he has no work ethic. He hardly ever asks for his work to make up, and blah blah.. Ugh.. Maybe I am just being stupid.

And I hate when my parents say things to put down Luke or express the fact that they don't like him. It frustrates me badly. It makes me almost not want to be with him because my parents' opinion matters to me. I want them to like who I'm with. But that poses another question: Would it matter that much to me if they weren't saying anything at all? I feel like I didn't care in the beginning, but since my parents are pressuring me about certain things, I start pressuring Luke about them, and I don't know if it is the right thing, ugh, and as you can see, I get confused every now and then.

But you know, I think about it, and I'm glad I have a guy as understanding as Luke. Because I tell him all this stuff and more and he always reassures me things will be fine. Like when I told him about what my mom said today, he said, "honey.. it's going to be different.. you know that.." (meaning we're not always going to have these problems..)

Sorry this was so long.. I just had to get it out.

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?


Posts: 63 | From: nowhere | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Okay, I'm going to leave the issues with Luke alone - you've plenty of good advice above on that.

Your parents are another matter. Once you think you can approach them calmly (you seem upset and understandably so) do so. Tell them exactly what upsets you and how you would like them to change. Also ask them specifically what they're concerned with. Both you and your parents may be unaware of some important things that will help you see where the other is coming from. The goal here is a productive conversation, not an argument.

Also, leave your sister and her partner out of it. While it may be unfair it really has nothing to do with you; at best it will be a distraction from your goal of coming to some sort of understanding.

I hope things go well.


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lilgirl45
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well if i was goin what you were i would say to my self how can i help like say maybe you both could find a apartment together and maybe help him go to college so if u want to talk more just im me



Posts: 1 | From: dearborn hgts mi | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
evilmisfit
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I guess my parents are more supportive than that, but the thing is, I kind of know how Luke feels. My parents don't understand anything that has to do with school and I have to pay for everything, and fill out all my SAT and ACT registration things too. Luke needs to do some things himself like a few people said, but you can still help and give him support. Your encouraging words will help him feel better, and it will help him feel like he can do things on his own. I don't think its cool his parents are being like that though.
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mnsouthpawjr
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Has he met with a counselor dealing with college, working, personal issues, or his parent's drug use? They may be able to provide him with resources so he can find a job, get his license, and get ready for college. you may want to recommend he goes to Job Services to see what some opportunities for him are.

Wish both of you the best

[This message has been edited by mnsouthpawjr (edited 11-17-2002).]


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Cherokee1696
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quote:
Originally posted by closuregoddess:

I feel like my mom/parents always TRY to find something wrong with my boyfriend.

...my parents' opinion matters to me. I want them to like who I'm with.


I understand how you feel, in a way. My boyfriend, Chris, is a really great guy. He is smart, works really hard, has the same morals and values that I do, and he treats me better than any guy I have ever been with. However, my parents (dad) refuse to acknowledge this- he can only focus on the two qualities that Chris has that he does not like. The first being he has "too many" tattoos, the second being he has a child (who he takes very, very good care of).
I have done everything possible to get my dad to accept Chris, but I have gotten no where. He doesn't respond to logic, reason, or emotion. Not mine, anyway.
So, I had to make a decision- do I want to risk losing my boyfriend who may very well be "the one", or do I want to have to listen to my dad grumble and give me disapproving looks until I move out of his house?
To make a long story short, Chris and I looking happily toward the future, and my father has resorted to grunting at me in passing.
You need to do the same thing- choose. I'm not telling you that you need to pick the boyfriend, because I don't know very much about your situation, but you do need to decide what you are going to do. But, first try talking to your parents, and explaining how you feel and how you see things. Maybe your's are more understanding than mine. I hope so. Best of luck!
-L-


Posts: 59 | From: Alabama | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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