Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Anyone skipped his/her teens?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Anyone skipped his/her teens?
MrJ
Neophyte
Member # 10469

Icon 5 posted      Profile for MrJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello there everybody... :-) Found this website just yesterday and must say I'm really impressed! A great source of honest information here.

Well, I don't really have a serious problem that keeps me awake at night or something, but still I do have an "issue" that I'm slightly worried about lately. Thought it would be nice to hear if it sounded familiar to anyone or if something interesting could be said about it.....

I'm a straight guy, already way past the 20-mark and I'm kind of a loner. I'm a single child and always felt comfortable being alone and doing my own thing.Was pretty smart for my age, until the age of 13-14 or so intellectually ahead of most others. But then (and I realised this only much afterwards), I seemed to "miss the boat". I never got out, never got a girlfriend or relationship, and I wasn't even feeling like *missing* anything. All this due to various circumstances: we only had boys at our school, I wasn't very "social", my interests were mainly solitary things like reading, computergames and stuff....

Basically, I never had much trouble with social interaction that I got "dropped into". At school, at work... it all seems to go pretty well and I get along well with people. I'm an ok guy :-) But when it comes to relationships and girls and everything related, I feel totally clueless. And kinda stupid as well, considering my age.... Like a couple of other things, it seems like the only way I'll ever get a girlfriend is if it just *happens* to me. Since I really feel ok the way I'm living now, there's no "drive" to go out and meet people/girls.

Lately, mostly because I started chatting with a nice (alas foreign) girl, I've started focusing a bit more on this issue that seemed always pushed aside. And to be honest, I've started regretting my lack of history when it comes to relationships and sex... Basically, I seem to have completely "skipped" my adolescence here???? Intellectually and physically I'm a grown man, but romantic-emotionally I'm still behind the startingline... For example when I fantasize about sex while masturbating, the girls will always be like 15-20. Makes me feel (a very little bit) guilty because it sounds so much like what pedophiles go through. Of course, the problem is that there's no question of starting a relationship with a 17 year old. Both because it is not socially acceptable, and because other parts of my personality HAVE developed way beyond that age. That's not going to happen, but what worries me more is that when I get a girlfriend of say 25+ there could be another 'incompatibility'.. Then I start thinking about silly issues like "when we make love the first time, will I tell her *before* or *after* that I'm still a virgin, or will she notice rightaway anyway??" lol

I guess the potential problem that I see here is that, in emotional matters, I will feel undeveloped and much younger than my partner. That I will always be a few steps behind, and afraid to tell so. But it's a bit broader than that.. It also concerns thinking about a future together, the fact that I simply don't know myself like I should at my age...

But maybe I'll catch up quickly?

Mr.J


Posts: 6 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I didn't go on my first date until I was 19. I think there's plenty of people who sorta "skipped" adolesence in terms of dating, mating, and other kinds of relating.

What that means now is just that you get to experience the first time feelings as an older person. And being honest with yourself about being nervous about that, and being honest with your partner, is a good thing.

Your fantasy life is just that; a fantasy life. It sounds like you know that, so it doesn't sound like it's hurting you to fantasize about one thing and look for relationships in the real world that are different.

And, if you're happy without a relationship, that's cool. You don't have to have one to be a complete person. If you find yourself wanting a relationship, though, you might want to think about ways to meet people, and ways to get involved in people's lives.


Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mingo
Activist
Member # 7667

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mingo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, so you missed out on stuff a lot of others did as a teen. You can't go back. If you want to date and learn to relate to women, there's only one thing you can do, get out there and do it. True some may find you inexperinced (for Gods sakes don't try to fake it), but you'll never GET experince if you don't try. Some women may even find it endearing. If you go on a date and it doesn't work out, keep it in perspective. It's probably best that you have a dates with different women before you decide you've found "the one" anyway. So take a deep breath and dive in guy, no way through it but to do it.

------------------
We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out

[This message has been edited by mingo (edited 10-31-2002).]


Posts: 126 | From: Ferndale, Mi USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cherokee1696
Activist
Member # 8298

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cherokee1696     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I often feel like I have missed/am missing out on being a teenager. But, its not because of my inexperience with dating.
I am also an only child, and my parents have always treated me like a little adult. I begun my first serious relationship when I was 12 years old, and it lasted until I was 15. We were more like an old married couple than a young couple. Shortly after we broke up, I began working full-time, along with going to school. That's how I met my current boyfriend. He is older than me and he has a 3 year old daughter. So now, along with working full-time, going to school full-time, and maintaining a relationship with the man I love, I am faced with being a part-time "step-mom" figure. Sleep is nothing more than an abstract idea to me, except maybe something I occasionally get frowned at for doing in history.
On the rare Friday night off, football, parties and the mall are far from my mind. My thoughts are more on getting home, cooking dinner and trying to get the baby to bed early so we can put our feet up and watch the 9 o'clock news before heading off to bed.
Sometimes, I will walk by a mirror and just shake my head. Its hard to believe that the face staring back at me with tired, bloodshot eyes, a fallen ponytail, and peanut butter and jelly smeared across the cheek belongs to me.

Basically, all I'm trying to say is, don't rush it. Things will start happening for you, when the time is right. But for now, try to enjoy just being young and carefree. Because I assure you, once it happens, there is no going back.

(Sorry if that didn't make any sense. I tried. If it didn't, blame it on the sleep thing.)


Posts: 59 | From: Alabama | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cup of Joe
Neophyte
Member # 10643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cup of Joe     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I may have missed my teens, or at least the life of a [stereo]typical teenager. I will be 20 in a month and have never been in a relationship and I have been constantly pressured by my mom and I feel other influences (society, friends) to be in one. I have never been on an "official" date, if you know what I mean. I've never had that urge to just screw around with people like most teens, but I have wanted to be in a relationship. I look forward to changing that as a... *shudders* young adult. Yes, I do believe that is the word.
Posts: 34 | From: Old Bridge, NJ, USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MrJ
Neophyte
Member # 10469

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MrJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, it looks like there are several ways to skip your teens Thanks everybody for the replies!

Cup of Joe, you're still pretty young compared to me, bud. More than enough time left (but so I also thought when I was 20...)

Talking about pressure, I've never really felt much of that. Maybe my grandmother is the one most bothered with it I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks I might be homosexual and afraid to 'out' it or something, lol. Then again, it might also be that I just didn't notice subtle pressure because, as I said in my first message, for some reason it has for a long time not been an issue in any way. I focussed on completely different things.

As a sidenote: in a TV report last week over here it was shown that 50% of 30 year old guys still live at home in Italy, and the rest of Europe it was mostly 50% of those around 25. Consolation consolation

I've been thinking a bit more about reasons.. And in some way the main cause (together with my solitary nature) is that I was too smart for my age when I was a kid and young teen, I think. I read so much, and picked things up so fast when I was that age that I sort of 'intercepted' my puberty?? I mean, I knew about generation conflicts, hormones, STDs and everything related before I even GOT to that stage. And the result was that I looked down on it. Feeling like an outstander who is observing other kids around him going through those phases of life. I considered teen magazines 'stupid' and maybe had a feeling that I was outsmarting nature? "Won't let that happen to me!" But there you go: stupid me now gets confronted with teen issues delayed by 10 years. I DON'T feel that SMART anymore now!!

Related to this, I recognise myself a lot in your "never had the urge to just screw around with people". I've never been able to see a relationship as some trial&error thing. And the idea of having sex just for sex has never appealed to me. I probably have absurd ideals considering girls and relationships that will need some time and experiences to get corrected... .

MrJ


Posts: 6 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cup of Joe
Neophyte
Member # 10643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cup of Joe     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
MrJ,

That thought has wandered into my mind a few times, only it is my mom, not my grandmother. I would not be surprised one bit if she thought I was homosexual. I have a few...queer friends and I don't believe she could possibly be all that open-minded about this. Whenever we have a discussion about one of my queer friends she always says, "That must be a tough life." like she has nothing else to say. It's almost an automatic response now, and one of these days I will just simply crack and tell to get off my back about my personal life.

As for living at home...well, you live in Europe. In your culture it is probably more acceptable to still be at home at age 25 than it is here in America. Even if it was here, I'd want out anyway. I do not enjoy life at home.

You had sex ed before puberty, or did you learn this stuff on your own? Were you too smart, or were you just simply discouraged? I don't know how sex ed is taught in Europe, but the program over here seems more like scare tactics to me. This idea only dawned on me recently however. I do believe the method here is, "get them while their young." On the other hand, I actualy looked for a relationship, but never found one. But like you said, maybe you just had other interests at that time. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't be so messed up. Also you mention that you are an only child, so that could've made a difference. I for one am a middle-child. There are so many factors that come into this that you just can't simply place it on one or two.

I don't think your ideas are absurd. Unconventional maybe, but not absurd. So you think differently than the majority, so do I, who cares what they think! Do what you feel comfortable doing.

[This message has been edited by Cup of Joe (edited 11-20-2002).]


Posts: 34 | From: Old Bridge, NJ, USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RiffRaff
Neophyte
Member # 10576

Icon 1 posted      Profile for RiffRaff     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I also feel like I'm missing out on my teen years. I spend much more time analyzing teen (and older) relationships and courting rituals in our culture (and realizing how stupid most of them are) than I spend participating in them. I would really like to find someone who I can relate to, but I have no interest in people my age. Of course, I'm quite a bit younger (17), but can relate to what you're saying. Especially the "won't let that happen to me!" piece. I'm always the one to say "I told you that would happen" when people I know complain about their relationship problems. So, at this age, there really isn't that much motivation to play the game. In the future, who knows. I'd like to find someone who I can have a real relationship with, be that this year or in 10 years. In my humble opinion, it's better to wait for something real than to waste time screwing around.
Cheers,
RiffRaff

Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MrJ
Neophyte
Member # 10469

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MrJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Cup of Joe,

I agree nobody's situation is quite the same. But always nice to look for the parallels so you can discuss a little.

When I wrote "smart for my age", I meant 'book knowledge'. Even at age 12-13 I enjoyed reading and watching documentaries and such, about all and everything. So in a way I knew lots of things that were coming up. For example I never had a generation conflict with my parents because (ok, *partly* because) I knew the concept of 'generation conflict' and would simply have felt very stupid when behaving like that. Again this "nature won't trick me into this" feeling . I didn't like the idea of behaving so predictable and according to what seems to happen to the "clueless herd". Same with teenager love and all the associated problems. I didn't really evade it on purpose, but somehow I also couldn't get 'tricked into it' as easily.

Typical example is that we once had a quick test about sex ed and the only thing that I had wrong was the number of AIDS infected people in our country. Nobody scored better, and yet probably nobody had less practical experience. Sums it up pretty well

But of course the whole issue is that you CAN'T replace experience by book knowledge..... I felt smart but instead I simply skipped the normal experience it seems. That's the main problem that I fear: I lack an important background here that potential partners will assume to be there... Part of my character is simply... unfinished. They won't quite get what they expect at first

RiffRaff,

that sounds pretty close to how I felt. I'd say: look actively and you have more than enough time left to find the right one, and someone of your age and experience at that. But hey, I'm not the person to give advise, am I?

MrJ


Posts: 6 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cup of Joe
Neophyte
Member # 10643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cup of Joe     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Mr J,

I know what you mean by no experience, it's OK...or at least that's what everyone has told me so far. I don't know. They could just be saying so to make me feel better. I am very intimidated by people with more experience than me, and that's almost everyone!

No, you are right. There's a difference between being told how to do something and actually doing it. This goes for almost everything. I have learned alot from a few people about relationships and have formulated my own theories but I have never been able to put them into a real situation and see the actual result. (This sounds really bad.) I just keep falling further and further behind everyone and I'm going to have to catch up at some point. I don't want to lose my 20's either. I guess you could say nature tricked me. Oh she tricked me good...but I guess we'll all gain this experience eventually. Like RaffRaff said, it's just a matter of time.

"But hey, I'm not the person to give advise, am I?"

Hahaha! I can't count how many times I have warned people about my advise. For some reason I always wind up giving out relationship advice, yet I have never experienced one. I always tell them I know nothing. They are going to the wrong person if there's trouble in paradise.


Posts: 34 | From: Old Bridge, NJ, USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Really, things like this are just a matter of perspective. And really, you can't "skip" any stage of your life and there is no "normal" pattern for any one stage across the globe.

Most of what people think of as a "normal" adolescence isn't common at all, but is based on a very, very small view of the wide range of life experiences that people have. I assure you.

I was someone who was bdating and sexually active WELL before anyone else my age was 20 years ago. By the time I got to college, I had done things no one else my age had: I'd been independently living for a couple of years, had numerous jobs and experiences, had lived through some serious traumas that again, most my age had not. Faced with scores of others my age with very different experiences during those years (who I likely would have said, had "normal" ones, not taking the time to realize theirs too varied widely), I felt like a fish out of water myself, possibly in the opposite way it sound like you, Joe, do. And just like you, we all have to learn to make our lives and life experiences mesh with other people, and doing that can sometimes be daunting no matter what the scenario is. That's just a normal part of soclialization and community for everyone.

But really, there's just no need for it. Everyone has different life experiences. Everyone has their own timetable for relationships and life experiences and there is no one that is the "normal" one, except the one that is the normal one for you.

So, there is no way of "losing" years unless you opt not to do things you want to do, and really, it is that simple. And you're less likely to do that if you worry less about what you think you SHOULD be doing, or what stage you should be at based on others benchmarks, and simply do what is right for you, where you're at.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cup of Joe
Neophyte
Member # 10643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cup of Joe     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well said Miz Scarlet. I have felt really stupid about talking about this on here.

You are right, there are somethings I have experienced that others my age have not. I'd rather not go into detail about them but thanks. I guess this is just simply another thought implanted into us by society.


Posts: 34 | From: Old Bridge, NJ, USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's absolutely no need to feel stupid for talking about your feelings about these things.

That be what we're here for.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MrJ
Neophyte
Member # 10469

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MrJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Mizz Scarlet,

thank you, that is nice to hear. And it is probably too true...

What you wrote made me think... I guess people like me should try to get out more, instead of focusing on their own navel And find out that 'out there' is not the "herd", but a collection of other *individuals*. Percepting them as "the herd" has more to do with yourself feeling a-typical than with there being a real 'herd'. But it's tough to turn that idea around after feeling like it for 10 years or longer....

Now the only thing I still need, is feeling enough like missing company to actually DO something about it

MrJ


Posts: 6 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jenni
Activist
Member # 6560

Icon 14 posted      Profile for Jenni     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow. Haven't really read anything on this site that I can relate to quite as much.

I, being a 16 y/o female, feel very "behind" relationship-wise, and have for the last two or so years.

In middle school I had a fair amount of guy friends (some pretty close) and a healthy, small social sittuation, small because I was at a private school. Now, in high school, I feel as if my social sittuation isn't as beneficial nor does it help me grow as a person. Namely, I'm not getting the experience in relationships with guys that I think I should. It's like all of the sudden, after moving to a new, much larger high school, I don't have any guy friends and am more "different" than I used to be. It frustrates me immensely, and has at times caused me serious emotional pain.

Right now I've distanced myself from the fact my social life is ridiculously lop-sided and juvenile. Unfortunately, this problem is always just under the surface and it doesn't take much to bring it out..

Thanks for letting me vent. Went out with some friends tonight and discussed it, so it's been on my mind. Good luck to everyone who is dissatisfied. Wish I could offer some advice, but I sure don't know what to do.

------------------
If you want to dip into someone else's life for a while then go here


Posts: 43 | From: US | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, not having guy friends at a certain age doesn't automatically make your social life "ridiculously lop-sided and juvenile", nor is it going to prevent you from growing as a person.

It may be frustrating for all sorts of reasons, if you'd like to have more guy friends right now.

But there's no Official Schedule that says you have to have x amount of "experience in relationships with guys" by such-and-such an age and if you don't manage that you fall "behind". Really. It's not a race, and there's nothing wrong with being a "late bloomer" (I should know) .


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cup of Joe
Neophyte
Member # 10643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cup of Joe     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Jenni,

I wouldn't worry. You have plenty of time. High school situations aren't always beneficial (from my experience). Don't worry about not having any guy friends. I have lots of girl friends and it hasn't done much for me, so having guy friends won't necessarily help your social situation. I don't think you social life is "lop-sided" or juvenile and I think you are over exaggerating. Many others have gone through what you are going through.

High school is an extrememly superficial world. Find some people you have something in common with and stick with them and join some clubs. You'll meet people real fast and it'll make your years there alot more enjoyable.


Posts: 34 | From: Old Bridge, NJ, USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jenni
Activist
Member # 6560

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jenni     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
yes, high school is a complete joke. I cannot wait to get it over with. I've got senioritis and I'm a junior ;].

I'm fairly sure college will be radically different for me as far as relationships with both guys and girls. Still, I get sort of impatient sometimes and lament and whine about it like I did in that last post.

The funny thing is, I have gotten involved in many activities this year and my social scene hasn't changed, really. Not that I'm desperate for it to do so, I just find the lack of change surprising.

In two years, hopefully I'll be laughing at the way I am now.


Posts: 43 | From: US | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cherokee1696
Activist
Member # 8298

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cherokee1696     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Jenni:
yes, high school is a complete joke. I cannot wait to get it over with. I've got senioritis and I'm a junior ;].

I know that feeling! I, too, am a junior in high school and I am going nuts! If you read my first response to this post, you see that our problems are somewhat different, but I know how you feel about the senioritis part.

I just feel like I don't have time for high school. *Sighs* I guess we can count down the months together.

(15 and 1/2, where I go to school)


Posts: 59 | From: Alabama | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Justaquestion
Neophyte
Member # 10724

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Justaquestion     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No worries you all. I had a buddy who had kissed a girl when he was 14, and didn't do much more than talk to women until he was 25 years old. He read up on the typical mistakes people make in relationships, and was very open minded. In the end he just went and put himself out on the line and that is all it took. Once he was over this illogical fear of being rejected or not being interesting enough to get someone else's attention he was hugely successful. There is light at the end of the tunnel... just gotta get yourself there.
Good luck.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sunnyside
Neophyte
Member # 10702

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sunnyside     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
yeah, as a freshman who I guess is about at the age that everyone's discussing "missing out" on, I can honestly say you haven't missed much. relationships in high school have been completely overdramatized by TV and movies- most kids aren't involved in a serious relationship. it's hard to really fall for someone at an age where you redefine your personality day to day, and when the most important thing on your mind is usually the next test. of course I want to get involved in a relationship someday, but high school just isn't the age for everyone. so basically, don't worry, missing out on that one part of adolesence doesn't mean you've missed out on your whole teenage years.
Posts: 18 | From: texas. boy howdy. | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jenni
Activist
Member # 6560

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jenni     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Really well said, sunnyside... wow. Wish I had that kind of clarity.
Posts: 43 | From: US | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3