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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Breaking up...I think

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Author Topic: Breaking up...I think
BeatlesBoy
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Member # 7735

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My girlfriend and I have had a pretty strong and happy relationship through the more than five months that we've been together, so I was very suprised when I talked to her on the phone this morning and she said she didn't think she wanted to be in our relationship anymore. She said it was too hard for her to keep up a "long-distance relationship". We go to different schools, but live in the same town, only about 15 minutes away from each other. We only see each other on weekends. I don't consider this a LDR, but evidently she does. She says that she misses me a lot during the week, and she thinks we would be better off dating people from our own schools.

She's my first gf so I've never been through a break-up before. I've been pretty sad today. It almost seems to me that she's breaking up with me because she likes me too much. She says she still likes me, and that she did love me, but didn't anymore after I said I wasn't sure if I loved her. She says she's not happy about doing this, but that it's better for both of us. I'm a bit confused about this all.

After we talked this morning, I wrote her an e-mail saying that I still liked her, and that I hoped she would think about reconsidering and making our relationship work even though we don't see each other as often as we would like. I also said that I didn't mean to pressure her if she was sure of her decision, and that I hoped we could be friends if we broke up, as she said she wanted. Do you think this was the right thing to do? Should I do anything else? Does her reason for breaking up make much sense to you?


Posts: 18 | From: Oregon | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Siren
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I think her reason makes sense, and I think you handled the break-up very maturely. Even though you're committed to making the relationship work, she might not be, and sometimes, as much as it sucks, you just have to accept that and learn to move on. I think it's great that you want to be friends, but I have to warn you about that because it might make moving on a little harder, especially since you obviously still have feelings for her. I think it might be better to give you and her some distance for now, just to let yourself heal from the break up.

------------------
Lil Siren
"Those are some BIG ice cubes..."


Posts: 190 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeatlesBoy
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I thought I'd tell you about what has happened since yesterday. Earlier today, my gf called, sobbing, and said she didn't want to break up with me. She said that she had realized she had made a huge mistake, and that she had cried most of Sunday and felt horrible today. She asked if I would "take her back", and I said yes.

So now we're a couple again, and mostly our relationship seems to continuing on as if nothing happened. We did talk about it some, but it seems that not much has changed. My gf keeps pressuring me about the question of whether I love her...Do you think there's anything odd about this situation? Is there anything you think I should do?

Posts: 18 | From: Oregon | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Just keep doing what you have been: being honest with her. If you still don't feel love is an accurate term to use for your feelings don't use it.

Good luck.


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Beatles, is the the same girlfriend who has been treating you so terribly?

If it is, it sounds to me like she's either being emotionally manipulative, or that she just doesn't know WHAT she wants.

From the situations you've descfribed before, it sounds an awful lot to me like this person just isn't really ready for any sort of truly mutually beneficial partnership.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeatlesBoy
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Yes, this is the same girlfriend. I don't think she's treated me terribly, so maybe I've given you the wrong impression of her. I do like her a lot, even if I don't know I love her, and she is usually a caring, sensitive person. She was clinically depressed when I met her and for part of our relationship, but she does seem to be doing better these days. She can be a bit unpredictable in terms of the situations I've described, but I certainly don't think she's emotionally manipulative.

But since this post is about problems with our relationship...there has been something that's been bothering me a bit. It seems like she doesn't have a fair or equal approach to our interactions with members of the opposite sex. She hugs other guys, apparently gives one male friend "friendly kisses" on the cheek, and is going with a male friend to her school's homecoming dance.

I'm not really bothered by this, but she has a tendency to get jealous about me when the subject is girls. She said recently, "You're mine, all mine, and no-one else can have you." I almost pointed out that it seemed like a bit strange of her to say such things considering that she had broken up with me two days before, but anyway...she didn't want me going to my school's homecoming (I wasn't planning on going anyway). She wanted one of my close friends to watch out and make sure no girls flirted with me (I don't think that was altogether serious). She also is concerned about a random girl in one of my classes because she called me by a nickname. According to my gf, calling someone by a nickname is a suggestive form of flirting:-s. It seems that practically any time I mention a girl, I get quizzed on whether I think she's hot, etc. Any suggestions about how to deal with the situation?

About the love thing, I've continued to say that I'm not sure if I love her, as that's the truth. She has gotten into a rhythm of asking me, "Do you love me yet?" in every one of our conversations, so I guess I'm a little concerned.

Just to say in closing, I like my gf a lot, and I don't want to lose her. Also, I really appreciate this site and the people who post on it. Thanks for the advice.


Posts: 18 | From: Oregon | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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From what you're saying here, Beatles, and the scenarios you've described in other posts, it simply sounds very much like your girlfriend feels very, very insecure: perhaps about herself, the relationship...probably both.

That's a tough spot to be in, especially combined with depression, because when you're in those places it's really hard to make sound choices, because you're often so driven by the need for anything you can hold on to for stability. And from your posts at ST, and what we know of you, you seem like a very patient and stable person. I'm not saying that has to be all she sees in you, I simply suspect that it makes her need for you stronger.

Obviously, I can only go on what you've posted, so any of this may or may not be on par.

But, given all you've said, it seems to me you really have to learn to set limits and boundaries with her and demand equal treatment and rules, because it seems to be a recurring theme. In regard to what you're describing in your last post, you need to let her know plainly but nicely that things nneed to go both ways, and that she has to learn to curb her jealousy and allow you the trust and freedoms you allow her. Period.

I don't think her apparent desire for possession is strange if she is as insecure as she sounds, and as confused as she has sounded from your posts before. I recall a post where you described her basically being very hurtful to you in front of other people, yes?

Limits and boundaries. Really. Even with the "I love you," thing, sounds like it's time to tell her, "If I feel that way, I promise I will tell you. But you need to stop pressuring me."

As a final suggestion, is she in therapy for her depression? if so, might it be something to consider to see if you two can't see her counslor together to spend a session getting some help with some of these issues?

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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BeatlesBoy
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Thanks a lot for your advice. I'll keep it in mind. I do think my gf is a bit insecure about herself, and as for the relationship, I don't know...but I still think we can make it work. As for her depression, I'm not sure she would be considered depressed at the moment, although she's still on antidepressants. She certainly seems to be less depressed than she used to be, which is of course good. She's been in therapy, and she continues to see her therapist on a fairly regular basis.
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Zck007
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I've come to realize that some girls, (not all, and not in your case because I don't really know) just need some reassurance about the whole "I love you" deal. When they say it they may not even mean it because love is completely different now, saying I love you as a teenager could either mean A) I really like you, B) I actually do love you, C) I'm not sure but why not if it'll make you happy. (Not being sexist cause this goes for guys too)

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-Jill
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http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/000007.html An interesting discussion about teens and love.
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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