Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » going out with a victim of child rape

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: going out with a victim of child rape
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I met a really wonderful person and we've been having sex for about 3 months now, but lately I've been starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, both in the sense that I just like her a lot, and that she has a lot of problems and I'm afraid of hurting her.

When she was 8-10 she was repeatedly raped by her next door neighbor, and shortly thereafter diagnosed with depression, manic depression, insomnia and self-abuse (cutting). You might assume that all this would easily fall under the "don't go out with people who are emotionally unstable" response but she's actually been the most calm, rational, thoughful, consistent person I've ever dated so I'm completely unwilling to change our relationship for that reason as it appears to be completely incongruent with what is actually going on.

Getting on to more exactly what the problem is, she's really into BDSM which at frist I just thought was cool as it was something entirely new for me. Lately, however, I've been worrying that indulging her fantasies may not be the most healthy thing for her, and I really don't like the idea of fulfilling a sexual role similar to her assaulter at all.

I don't know what to do. I certainly wouldn't want to needlessly screw up the best sexual relationship I've ever had over paranoia, but I care about her a lot and her saftey is far more important to me that having really, really, really hot sex with an extremely cute girl.

Am I freaking out over nothing? Or is there something I should do? I can't really just call her up and talk to her about it because she doesn't like talking about being raped (like I blame her at all) and I'm afraid that I would just make problems where there were previously none if I tried. What would you do?


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, the important question is: has she had therapy or counseling about her sexual abuse? Does she have a support system FOR dealing with it?

Because if she hasn't or doesn't, then your worries do have a stong basis, and you are most certainly not worrying about nothing. Engaging in any kind of sexual activity or relationship -- especially something like BDSM which involves a really firm understanding of consent and boundaries -- when you're a sexual assult victim can be very tricky, and does require certain tools for coping and management.

You know, while she does get to set her own boundaries with what she's okay talking about, in order for the both of you to have a healthy sexual realtionship, you do need to be able to talk about things like her ability to give consent fully, like your comfort level in terms of her abuse and the like. if she can't have those discussions, you can't have a sexual healthy relationship. So, it is an issue that you need to be able to address, not just for her sake, but for yours.

A good reference for the both of you to start thinking and talking about these issues would bt "The Survivor's Guide to Sex," by Stacy Haines. You need to find SOME way to start dealing with this together. If there is just absolutely no way, then she just may not be ready for this sort of relationship just yet.

But, it sounds like you're in a good position to address this because it sounds like you're really patient and do have her best interests at heart, thus assuring she's under no pressure TO be sexually active from you right now, which is a great place to be in.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
She's really uncomfortable talking about it, which mean she HASN"T dealt with it which means that I'm going to completely screw everything up when I make her talk about it

as much as I care about her and no matter how much we enjoy just hanging out with eachother I have to admit that our relation grounded primarily in sex, and if that suddenly evaporates our entire relationship will likely follow suite

this sux, i don't want to loose her. I like her so much... I'm very bitter. Something always comes along to screw things up and this is it... why can't I just have more typical relationship problems? They always seem so simple compared to the stuff that happens to me.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, so I have a tendency to be pessimistaclly paranoid, I'm sure you noticed that already. Sorry.

Any advice on how to approach this subject with her? I thought that comming out and saying something along the lines of "You are a mentally screwed rape victim attempting to relive your former abuse experiences through me in an attempt to unsurpress your emotions regarding the incident and I don't appreciate it." adviously wouldn't go well, but I'm pretty uncomfortable with even something along the lines of what I started this thread with going very well either...

I suppose everything could go fine and I could tell her my concerns and she could talk to me about it and manage to convince me that she's dealt with it and I am not being used to incarnate her greif much in the same way as cutting herself... I just really doubt it so any furter advice would be greatly appreciated (and I'll go look for that book now).


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Definitely go look for the book. But try not to jump to conclusions before you've discussed this with her.

You may be right in feeling that this is not healthy for her. On the other hand, I know a number of survivors of rape or sexual abuse who are into BDSM and who either feel that it has nothing to do with their past experiences, or that it may actually be therapeutic for them to work through with things in a situation where they are in total control. For some, the fact that BDSM places such clear emphasis on safety, consent, safewords, clear boundaries and so on is very positive. The Staci Haines book has some useful stuff on this. So it's not really possible to generalize about what fantasies are "healthy" or "unhealthy" for sexual abuse or rape survivors in general.

But the fact that this is making you uncomfortable means you really need to discuss it with her. You shouldn't have to do stuff that you're uncomfortable with, any more than she should have to. And as Miz S says, you need to be able to find some way of dealing with this together.

You don't have to say, as you put it, "You are a mentally screwed rape victim attempting to relive your former abuse experiences through me in an attempt to unsurpress your emotions regarding the incident and I don't appreciate it".

But you could try saying something like, "I feel pretty uncomfortable when we do this because I'm afraid of hurting you, so can we talk about this?"


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To be blunt, I have to wonder what's going on if you think of her as "mentally screwed."

From what you have posted, it sounds to me like she is a very TYPICAL sexual assault victim, for someone who has had traumatic experiences and not gotten treatment. None of us are damaged goods, you know. And not getting treatment from the time childhood abuse occurs certainly is no fault of the victim, as at age 10, she certainly couldn't have arranged it for herself.

If your relationship is about nothing but sex, then I'm very confused, because your first post made it sound as if that was not at all primary to you. Which way is it?

Look at what you're dealing with here: you're saying something always screws things for you, poor you...but you're dealing with a troubled sexual assault victim. Perspective: it's what's for dinner. Of the two of you, I think it's easily said that you'll be just fine and you are the least likely in this scenario to have heavy baggage to carry.

Look up the book I suggested to you if you're in earnest about this relationship. It can help with how to talk about these issues. but if it can't wait, I'd suggest as an opening sommething like this:

"Because I care about you, and because I find myself in uncharted territory here and am also concerned for me, I very much need to address how our sexual relationship works into issues of your past abuse, and we need to talk about how to handle those issues openly within your comfort level so that we can be sure this is healthy for both of us."

I'd also suggest you take some time to consider if YOU are even ready for this discussion. You aren't her shrink. You have zero way of knowing if her sexual activity with you is about reliving her abuse. And even if it is in some respect, resenting her for that is really out of line. You're leaping to assumptions, flatly, that are based on a lot of stereotypes, and based very little on what is really going on, since you haven't spoken to her about it yet, or to a counselor well-versed in this territory.

To be frank, given the last two posts, it sounds to me like this just isn't what you want period -- that you're wanting a much less emotionally intensive relationship. Which is fine.. unless you try and make one that can't be that way into one. So, before you talk to her, I'd encourage you to take a long, hard look at your own issues first.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
To be blunt, I have to wonder what's going on if you think of her as "mentally screwed."

I don't... that's what I'm afraid of.

From what you have posted, it sounds to me like she is a very TYPICAL sexual assault victim, for someone who has had traumatic experiences and not gotten treatment. None of us are damaged goods, you know. And not getting treatment from the time childhood abuse occurs certainly is no fault of the victim, as at age 10, she certainly couldn't have arranged it for herself.

She has gotten treatment. And as for someone who has had plently of mental "treatment" myself I think nothing of it other than her parents helped pay for someone's college career.

If your relationship is about nothing but sex, then I'm very confused, because your first post made it sound as if that was not at all primary to you. Which way is it?

I never said that it was about nothing but sex, if you reread the first half of the sentance you are replying to instead of only the part you wanted to hear... We are pretty good friends, we talk all the time, we hang out and have fun, but we got together because we were sexually attracted to eachother and everytime we get together we have sex and everytime we talk we talk about sex. If that ascpect of our relationship suddenly disapears I'm afraid that the rest of it will as well.

Look at what you're dealing with here: you're saying something always screws things for you, poor you...but you're dealing with a troubled sexual assault victim. Perspective: it's what's for dinner. Of the two of you, I think it's easily said that you'll be just fine and you are the least likely in this scenario to have heavy baggage to carry.

Look up the book I suggested to you if you're in earnest about this relationship. It can help with how to talk about these issues. but if it can't wait, I'd suggest as an opening sommething like this:

"Because I care about you, and because I find myself in uncharted territory here and am also concerned for me, I very much need to address how our sexual relationship works into issues of your past abuse, and we need to talk about how to handle those issues openly within your comfort level so that we can be sure this is healthy for both of us."

I'd also suggest you take some time to consider if YOU are even ready for this discussion.

NO, i am NOT ready for this dicsussion. I am TERRIFIED. Exuse me if I act like it.

You aren't her shrink. You have zero way of knowing if her sexual activity with you is about reliving her abuse. And even if it is in some respect, resenting her for that is really out of line.

I don't think so at all. I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of the only people being interested in me having problems that completely warp their preception or our sexual relationship into something much different from what we AGREED that it was. And I'm afraid that it's happened, once again, and I'm upset about it. I like her a lot, and I would still want to be her friend even if that was the case, but I don't want that, and I don't want to loose her, and it looks like I get to choose between those two options.

You're leaping to assumptions, flatly, that are based on a lot of stereotypes, and based very little on what is really going on, since you haven't spoken to her about it yet, or to a counselor well-versed in this territory.

Ok, you have someone that you care a lot about tell you that they want you to dominate them, do anything you want to them, tie them up, tease them with blades, have them say that the idea of you incapacitating them and forcing them to have sex with you is "delicious" and then find out later on that they we sexually abused for 2 years as a child and they're so upset about it that they can barely remember anything from that period of time and you can hardly get them to say 3 sentences on the subject and you not fear the worst.

To be frank, given the last two posts, it sounds to me like this just isn't what you want period -- that you're wanting a much less emotionally intensive relationship. Which is fine.. unless you try and make one that can't be that way into one. So, before you talk to her, I'd encourage you to take a long, hard look at your own issues first.



No, it's not what I want at all. Who would? I just want someone who likes me for who I am and has sex with me simply because they're my friend and they're attracted to me, not because of some other weird thing that they didn't even bother to tell me about. If that's an "issue" then we're all screwed.

Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I don't think so at all. I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of the only people being interested in me having problems that completely warp their preception or our sexual relationship into something much different from what we AGREED that it was. And I'm afraid that it's happened, once again, and I'm upset about it.

Maybe you need to think a bit about how your past and issues are affecting this. Even if she is doing things that are unhealthy for her, that doesn't mean she's "using" you or has "warped perceptions". And she isn't to blame for people who have used you in the past.

You say you care about her and are concerned about this because of your worries for her safety, but it actually sounds from this as if you are carrying around a lot of resentment.

I initially thought that "You are a mentally screwed rape victim attempting to relive your former abuse experiences through me in an attempt to unsurpress your emotions regarding the incident and I don't appreciate it" was your summary of how you were afraid she would (wrongly) see your concerns. But it now sounds as if that is pretty much your view of the situation.

quote:
Ok, you have someone that you care a lot about tell you that they want you to dominate them, do anything you want to them, tie them up, tease them with blades, have them say that the idea of you incapacitating them and forcing them to have sex with you is "delicious" and then find out later on that they we sexually abused for 2 years as a child

This is exactly where you are making a lot of assumptions.

Consensual BDSM play is not the same as abuse. And there's no causal factor - childhood abuse doesn't "cause" people to be into BDSM. Plenty of people are into BDSM who were never abused, and vice versa. It is possible that, for her, this is connected in an unhealthy way. Or it could be that her abuse experiences have nothing to do with her adult sexual preferences, or it could be that she actually finds it positive to explore experiences like this in a safe, consensual context with someone she trusts.

I agree that you need to talk to her about your worries and concerns. But jumping to the conclusion that she's re-enacting her abuse, and then blaming and resenting her for it, is not going to help either of you.


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've gone from thinking that I'm just being paranoid, be being sure that the situation was completely fucked, back to thinking that perhaps I'm just overreacting... I'm really confused

I hate it when I like people so much, It just makes me feel so vunerable and I get all stressed out over stuff

All this makes me really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with her. Especially when her attitude was to basically do anything I wanted... and when I accidentally hurt her it was "ok". That she wouldn't tell me to stop even if I was hurting her bothered me then, and it really bothers me now. I thought she was just being shy and I was trying to convince her not to be, but now... I don't know.

I'm scared, and I ought well to be despite your continued accusations that I just have issues that I need to deal with.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I've gone from thinking that I'm just being paranoid, be being sure that the situation was completely fucked, back to thinking that perhaps I'm just overreacting... I'm really confused

The only way of finding out what the situation actually is is talking to her.

I know broaching any topic like this is scary, but it's got to be much more productive than jumping to conclusions.

quote:
I'm scared, and I ought well to be despite your continued accusations that I just have issues that I need to deal with.

Nobody's saying that this isn't a confusing and stressful thing to have to deal with. Many people find that discovering a partner is a survivor of rape or sexual abuse brings up all sorts of feelings and issues.

But any issue in a relationship involves two people. And it sounds as if your thinking about this is being affected by stuff like this:

quote:
I hate it when I like people so much, It just makes me feel so vunerable and I get all stressed out over stuff

Vulnerable feelings like this are pretty common - we've all been there.

But if your feelings of vulnerability lead you to jump to conclusions, label her as "mentally screwed", and then resent her for it, that's not going to be any good for either of you.

If you truly care about her, you need to communicate and listen to what she has to say, instead of making assumptions.

Working the Kinks Out might help give you some basic information about features of BDSM like safewords - it sounds as if you are feeling very unsure about what's going on, so discussing limits and boundaries like these with her might be a very good idea (as well as a basic safety precaution).

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 10-06-2002).]


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I very much agree with everything logic_girl has said here.

The resentment you're harboring is really bleeding through a lot of your posts in this. And so is the fear, which is valid, though it seems pretty clear that the fear isn't so much about your partner -- which is okay -- but about you feeling in way over your head, and finding yourself in a scenario and a type of relationship that is not ideal for you, and in which you are terribly insecure.

I sense you don't like some of what has been said here, but to be honest, when you ask for advice, you might not like what you get. That's the nature of the thing. For the record, I'm very well-acquainted with both having partners who have been abuse victims, as well as being a sexual abuse victim myself. I'm also in my thirties with a very long and varied sexual history over two decades, which is some of what I bring to the table, as it were, to the sort of work I do here, coupled with proffessional experience. So, there's really no need to suggest I imagine scenarios here. And there's no reason to be defensive.

There is also not a thing wrong with having issues of your own -- what gets iffy is ignoring or repressing them and projecting them unto someone else, which is something both logic_girl and myself have been trying to state it seems you're doing in this situation. Which is why we've both suggested that you take time to look not just at your partner's situation and baggage and history here, but your own, and how those things are feeding each other.

Honestly, at this point, I'd say it sounds really clear that this whole situation isn't right for you, and it sounds like -- it may or may not be, but it sounds like -- you're sticking with it out of lonliness, or more because you yourself need to feel loved and paid attention to by someone who appeals to you than because it is the right relationship for you. You've made it clear that:

- You two don't communicate well at all about things that are very important, and that you make more guesses about what she means or is doing than really gleaning answers by talking.
- You are engaging in sexual practices that you are not certain you want to be involved in.
- You have unrealistic expectations, e.g., "I just want someone who likes me for who I am and has sex with me simply because they're my friend and they're attracted to me," as people are simply much more complex than that and do not exist in a vacuum.
- You don't feel able to deal with any sexual problems or such from another right now.
- You are not ready to handle this, even when it comes to talking.

And all of those things are very clear indicators that this just isn't right for you, right now. If that isn't what you want to hear, so be it. But any user here posting as such with issues like that would be told the exact same thing, and told with care because all of those sorts of things are a recipe for a lot of damage, heartache and pretty big problems all around. And not for a relationship that's really healthy or happy for two people.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I just found this out last night, and haven't had opprotunity to talk to her since then... However, she should be calling me in about 10 minutes.
Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok, I just reread the thread and now I'm just really confused. You've contradicted yourselves and completely turned the situation around and said that I'm the one with a problem... I'm not going to through away the best relationship I've ever had just because someone managed to point out that I'm a little emotionally insecure (how I'm supposed to be all secure when people constantly treat me like crap is entirely beyond me and wasn't even supposed to be in the scope of the question I was asking) so now I'm just confused as to what I'm supposed to do.

And she just called me... fun fun fun


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Somewhat: can you take a deep breath and look at how you're responding here and see if it just *might* be reflective of how you're feeling?

No one is blaming you here for how you are feeling. Rather, what is being suggested is that you simply look at the WHOLE issue, which isn't just about your partner. And, in many respects, might have a lot to do with you, and with your ability to deal with all of this right now.

You've been around for a while, and as I recall, this isn't the first time you've talked about being unable to communicate in relationship, esp. sexual ones, before they became heated and involved. In fact, here , you talk about not wanting to get stuck in that pretty directly.

What we've said isn't contradictory, because in relationships, as you likely know, things aren't as simple as if one person has baggage or issues, the other must not. Certainly, what has been said here has evolved, but that's mainly due to you divulging more and more information about how you're feeling about all of this -- and about the situation in general -- in these posts as they progress. Seems pretty clear you're both grappling with some heavy stuff. It may or may not sound fair to say that sexual abuse is a bit heavier and harder to deal with, but usually, it is (and as far as treatment, you can think what you'd like, but if you not only talk to varies abuse survivors, but look at longitudinal studies, you'll discover that counseling and support for sexual abuse nearly always makes a huge positive difference). And if it's taken months of intense sexual involvement for you and your partner to even talk about this so you knew it was a factor at all (something you didn't divulge in the first post), it seems clear that it's major, both in terms of her really NOT being able to deal with it, and in terms of communication problems. Especially if you're engaging in something like BDSM play without having set up any boundaries, safewords or even discussed what you're doing and how you both feel about it, and what your collective limits are.

I'm not sure how looking at whether or not you can handle this level of relationship, and perhaps discovering you cannot is "throwing it away." Nor am I sure I understand what something like this really brings you positively, or how it benefits you when you're talking about what you have here, in the way you have here. Because it is not at all sounding positive or enriching in terms of healthy relationships. Sorry, but it just isn't. Talking, creating limits, setting boundaries, figuring out what level or sort of relationship one can have with a person isn't an all-or-nothing affair. It's the way one constantly works with relationships in life, unless you just want to no-holds-barred until you hit broke all the time, and it doesn't sound very much that you do (and personally, I don't suggest it -- it's just not a sound way to create and care for lasting relationships).

No one has said you're "supposed" to be secure. In fact, quite the opposite. Some of what has been brought up here is looking at what might be making you feel MORE insecure. Feeling grounded and safe and developing trust doesn't come from wee faeries: it takes time and nurturing and evaluation and work.

And to be honest, you can't dictate where people will take poists like these, because one answers questions based on what one sees in what you say. And there are two of you in a relationship, so to expect problems and issues to exclude you just isn't sensible or realistic.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 10-07-2002).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peter
Neophyte
Member # 4140

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Peter     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds to me like the BDSM isn't the problem at all. If she is happy with it and no harm be done, she doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria for it being a diagnosable problem. Per the DSM, it would necessitate "The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" , and so far in what you've said she doesn't meet that criteria.

You are attempting to deal with a person who is other than everyone else. She is working and it sounds like has made progress in regaining her sense of 'like everyone else'. It's a road strewn with landmines, potholes, and incredible victories.

I wouldn't worry about how she is looking to explore and express her sexuality... I'd look at how I was dealing with her as a person. You have to ask yourself how much of what you're voicing here is based on your baggage rather than hers - and it is not attacking you to notice that both sides have some - and also how much is your preconceived perceptions of what or who she is, what or who a rape survivor is, what or who a sadomasochist is.

Please understand I am NOT looking to jump on you in a pile up here and make this all 'your fault'. I am suggesting you sit back for a few minutes and breath. And work on some further breathing. And once your pulse is under 80 when you're thinking about this, do yourself the favor of at least experimentally thinking about some of the advice you've gotten here from myself and others, and give it some consideration.

My best to you and she both, individually and together. And keep working on that slow regular breathing stuff.

Peter
[been on your side of this before]

[This message has been edited by Peter (edited 10-07-2002).]


Posts: 23 | From: Seattle WA USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
YAY! I knew it would be no big deal
Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
And you guys actually were helpful, so thank you. It was so scared, I literally read right off this thread nearly word for word. Fist this:

"Because I care about you, and because I find myself in uncharted territory here and am also concerned for me, I very much need to address how our sexual relationship works into issues of your past abuse, and we need to talk about how to handle those issues openly within your comfort level so that we can be sure this is healthy for both of us."

Then:

All this makes me really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with her. Especially when her attitude was to basically do anything I wanted... and when I accidentally hurt her it was "ok". That she wouldn't tell me to stop even if I was hurting her bothered me then, and it really bothers me now. I thought she was just being shy and I was trying to convince her not to be, but now... I don't know.

Then:

Getting on to more exactly what the problem is, she's really into BDSM which at frist I just thought was cool as it was something entirely new for me. Lately, however, I've been worrying that indulging her fantasies may not be the most healthy thing for her, and I really don't like the idea of fulfilling a sexual role similar to her assaulter at all.

and finally:

and I am not being used to incarnate her greif much in the same way as cutting herself

And she completely understood and reassured me that I didn't have to do anything that I was uncomfortable with and that she wasn't, at least to the best of her knolege, trying to use me to punish herself and she was just really wonderfully understanding about the whole thing and didn't get upset at me at all and said she was glad I brought it up and that she'd talk to me about it more in the furture if necessary. She's so cool, I'm completely in love with her *dreamy sigh*


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm really glad to hear it went so well - and congratulations to the both of you for communicating so well .

I do really recommend that you check out the Staci Haines book - it's got a whole chapter on issues of SM and fantasy, and a section specifically for partners of survivors, which I think you might find very relevant.


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
Activist
Member # 9745

Icon 11 posted      Profile for babygirl88     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
wow- you are a really smart and caring guy. kudos to you to thinking about whether or not your actions may hurt your gf. well.... thats really sad that she's been through so much:'(. something i find interesting though, is that i am actually a victim of rape and abuse, plus i have suffered/ suffer from depression. and i also have an interest in BDSM. the thing is, BDSM is in a way a scary thing... and that intrigues me. i am no longer abused, but while i was, a part of me actually got USED TO the abuse. so once it was taken out of my life, i guess i craved the fear and pain for some freakish reason. so your gf may be in a similar state of mind/ position- my best advice is that you make sure she is happy and talks things over. i can totally understand her not wanting to discuss her rapes, but just remember to check up with her on how things are going very often. if you stay together for much longer, you may encounter a time when she just needs to let out her feelings; when she'll come to you wanting to talk about it. or maybe just wanting to cry. who knows, its just a guess. well, i dont really want to comment on the sexual aspect of your question- i dont think thats my department! plus im sleepy... *yawns*!!!!! i wish you and your girlfriend luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lotsa luv

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OlekG
Neophyte
Member # 10271

Icon 1 posted      Profile for OlekG     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I actually registered on this forum with the sole purpose of thanking everyone who has taken part in this thread. I've got myself into much the same hole as 'somewhatanonymous' and everything that's been said i've found incredibly helpful.

while my situation isnt exactly the same (we aren't sleeping together) I know that this situatation is probably not far down the road. I especially want to thank somewhatanonymous for having the courage to make a post about this because, to be honest, I wouldn't have had the courage to do it myself.

Thank you, seriously,

Olek


Posts: 1 | From: London, N/A, UK | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3