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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friends with Benefits...

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Author Topic: Friends with Benefits...
AngelAct5
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One of my best guy friends and myself have been talking recently on the issue of being 'friends with benefits'. We, at one point, were going to say "the heck with it" and just start dating, but then we realized and mutually decided (or, so I thought *mutually*) that we didn't want to ruin our friendship. Here it is, about 7 months later that he now brings up that he doesn't want a girlfriend, he just wants a girl friend with benefits... to do stuff with. He claims I'm the only one he'd do this kind of thing with but I'm still somewhat uneasy about it. Some days I'll think about it and not have a problem with it, and other days it makes me disgusted. Worst case scenario - I wouldn't want it to be awkward between us. If anything, I'd kiss him with out us dating. What would you do in a situation like this?

*Fizzle*
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"When I was a little girl... I used to think OB-GYN was a radio station."


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leafy
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Please please please don't do anything if you're not comfortable with it. This guy sounds like he's not thinking about how you feel at all in this situation and is only looking out for himself. If you want to be with him, then go for it, but make sure that you know where you stand first and that you're not being pushed into it.
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KittenGoddess
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quote:
Originally posted by AngelAct5:
...but I'm still somewhat uneasy about it. Some days I'll think about it and not have a problem with it, and other days it makes me disgusted.

Sounds to me like you've answered your own question right there, sweetie. If you're uneasy about it, even just on some days...well then you don't have any business doing it. You're right, becoming "friends with benefits" can cause some awkwardness between people. If you don't want to risk your relationship, and if you are not wanting to be in a strictly sexual relationship, then don't do it. You're the one who still needs to be able to get up and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and like what you see...make whatever decision is going to allow you to do that comfortably.

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KittenGoddess
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"The whole world is full of morons...they just congregate on the internet cause it's easy for them to push the buttons."


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DrQuack5
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I'm kind of in this situation, too, except it with a girl.

So, there's this girl that I sort of liked, and she sort of liked me, and we talked about going into a relationship of sorts and figured that we shouldn't because it wouldn't work. Well, a few weeks later I was talkign with a guy friend and he proposed a bet with me (I have a hard time turning down bets, especcially those that I can win) and it was to have this object of my affection as a "girlfriend" for at least 3 weeks. We "got together" (she knew about the bet all along) and decided that we could try to have a real relationship after the bet/once school got out. The alotted bet time ended, and we talked and decided that a relationship wasn't in our future.

Now - here's the thing - as payment for her "going out" with me for the bet, we have a date for some sort of "random booty" in the future. I don't have a problem with that because I feel that a friendship can benefit from physicality as long as it's not just using each other for pleasure and it's all consented and stuff. I feel like it would make things awkward (or has the potential to) and, believe me, I have been vocal on the situation. She feels the exact opposite.

After the whole "going out" stint, I'm a little less uneasy, for lack of better word, about it but still feel that it would be contrived. So, I talked to her about this until she got sick of me pestering her on the subject and we mutually agreed that if something happened, fine and if nothing happened, fine. Because that way it would be pretty consensual and not forced and more of an expression of love than just pleasure.

If that made sense, hope it helps.


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licibee
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I've been in the same situation. It was a few years ago, and I ended up being soooo happy that I didn't go through with it. Not to say that this will happen to you, but....the guy and I aren't friends anymore because of a bunch of petty stuff. At the time that we were discussing it I thought nothing would ever break up our friendship, but now I know that it's best to be in a committed relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) before you do intimate stuff... plus it makes it more special.
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Milke
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quote:
Originally posted by licibee:
. . .now I know that it's best to be in a committed relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) before you do intimate stuff... plus it makes it more special.

Sometimes that's the case, and sometimes doing sexual stuff outside of a formal relationship is good too. It all depends on who's doing it and what they want from it.

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Why scream and cry when you know it's true?
Why fall in love when there's better things to do?


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Girl, Interrupted
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quote:
Originally posted by AngelAct5:
"We, at one point, were going to say "the heck with it" and just start dating, but then we realized and mutually decided (or, so I thought *mutually*) that we didn't want to ruin our friendship."

What's to say that being 'friends with benifits' wouldn't ruin the friendship? Things -COULD- get awkward between you two yes, but that could be the downfall of your friendship as well.

quote:
Originally posted by AngelAct5:
"He doesn't want a girlfriend, he just wants a girl friend with benefits... to do stuff with."

Sounds to me that he just wants sex. Sex is something that you do with someone you are in a relationship with, because you have a deep friendship, understanding and communication with them and you feel ready physically, and emotionally to accept whatever hardships may or may not come along. You must be ready for any physical (pregnancy, STIs) or emtional (end of friendship, attachment, hurt feelings, broken hearts) problems that may occure.

Reverse the role. Could you honestly say:

"I don't want a boyfriend. I just want a guy friend with benifits... to do stuff with." ?

It sounds to me like the answer is no.

Since you asked what -I- would do in a situation like this one... I wouldn't risk my friendship or my emotions for meaningless sex.

Best of luck
<3
Girl, Interrupted

[This message has been edited by Girl, Interrupted (edited 06-03-2002).]


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logic_grrl
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quote:
Sex is something that you do with someone you are in a relationship with, because you have a deep friendship, understanding and communication with them.

... I wouldn't risk my friendship or my emotions for meaningless sex.


Hey - for many people (like me) a "friends with benefits" relationship *is* very much about being real friends who also have sex but who don't want to be a "couple". We trust and care about each other a great deal as friends, we just don't want to have a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship. "Meaningless sex" it ain't (not that there's anything wrong with meaningless sex, if that's what you happen to want).

What's important here is not that FWB relationships are somehow inherently bad, but that it sounds pretty clear that this isn't what AngelAct5 wants. And of course FWB relationships can potentially cause as much awkwardness in a friendship as any other sort of sexual relationship.

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 06-03-2002).]


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Girl, Interrupted
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Sorry if I offended you logic_grrl. I guess I can understand what you're saying, having [sort of] been there myself. I guess that was just my own personal definition of sex as it stands now.

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~Lissa


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logic_grrl
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No offence caused - I just wanted to clarify. Different types of relationships work for different people .
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ladyruffrider02
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I did a friends with benifts thing myself, and let me tell you, if you like this guy already then dont do it, you will end up getting hurt in the end, i met this guy and we starting doing this whole thing, i ended up liking him alot, and i got my heart broken last night, out of the blue he was like i dont want to do this any more, i asked him why and he was like there is no reason, i just dont want to do this any more, the only thing that i asked of him was not to go and sleep around with other girls while he was sleeping with me , i think that is right of him not to do, bc why would you go and sleep around and then come back to some one and give them something, have respect for yourself, and dont do it, it will ruin the friend ship that you have
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logic_grrl
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quote:
the only thing that i asked of him was not to go and sleep around with other girls while he
was sleeping with me , i think that is right of him not to do, bc why would you go and sleep around and then come back to some one and give them something

If you agree to be monogamous, then yes, it's right to honour that commitment, but let's remember that some people choose to be in non-monogamous relationships and find that that's right for them.

And monogamy is not a shield against STDs - plenty of people have contracted STDs in monogamous relationships. This is one of the many reasons why safer sex is important.


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goblinsoup
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'Sex is something that you do with someone you are in a relationship with, because you have a deep friendship, understanding and communication with them and you feel ready physically, and emotionally to accept whatever hardships may or may not come along.'

Um, no actually. There is a *big* difference between making love and just sex. Sex is an act, It's not something that is only done by people in relationships, you don't have to be in a relationship to have sex. You can be friends with someone and have sex, you can meet someone on the street and have sex, yeah, ok the latter isn't ideal but it happens.
I have been in a few 'friends with benefits' situations and I really don't see what is wrong with tham as long as you are both comfortable with everything you are doing and as long as both of you know that it's nothing more.
It depends on the individual when it boils down to it, but that's just my 2 cents


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Celtic Daisy
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*Just as a note here, before this gets out of hand, with the definition of sex, making love, etc, please remember to state that these are your personal opinions, and someone else may not see them the same way.*

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'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~

[This message has been edited by Celtic Daisy (edited 06-16-2002).]


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goblinsoup
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I didn't mean to offend anyone there... I don't actually think any of it was offencive in any-way but apologies if I did
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Celtic Daisy
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No apology necessary goblinsoup, i just want to make sure that everyone remembers these are personal opinions, because there are times when threads have gotten out of hand. Just remember to use 'I' and 'my opinion' a lot when stating your opinion, that's always a good idea.

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'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'-coupling

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~


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