*sigh* I don't know where to start this, but perhaps writing about it can help me feel better.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and I regret nothing about it. I love him with my whole heart, and I wouldn't change a thing about us.
Okay, maybe one thing. For the most part of our relationship ((I would have to guess about 8 months)) we didn't fight, not at all. Then, we ((as all couples do)) had a fight. It was about something stupid, I don't remember now. Well, life moved on, and we fought from time to time, but nothing big deal. And to this day, we haven't fought about anything that I would consider relationship-threatening.
Well, for about the last 3 weeks, we have been fighting extremely heavily. He's been irritated and mean, slinging insults and hurting me on purpose in a way he never had before. Well, we continued this, with me crying often, and nightly. Then, about 2 weeks ago he told me the truth.
He said he's been really stressed with school and stuff and he needed time alone. He knows I need him, and to talk to him every day, which is why he didn't want to hurt me by needing time alone. Alone, means no talking online, and no talking on the phone. *sigh* I know he has needs, and I don't have a problem respecting his needs. I have no problem giving him time alone.
But, I feel like he's putting me on a shelf. Like he will come to me when HE wants me, and what I want doesn't matter. I have tried to talk to him, telling him how I feel, yet, he verbally attacks me, and says that I can't respect his needs, and I make him feel guilty by not letting him have what he needs.
Right now, I am feeling uncertain about us, and having fears I have not had since our realtionship was new. I tried telling him that I KNOW he loves me, but I need him to SHOW it, but we always end up in a fight.
But, he always calls me the next day and apologizes for being a jerk.
I guess, therein lies the problem. He has me on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute he's fine, the next he's not. He pushes me away, pulls me back, push pull.
I love him more than LIFE, and I know he's the ONE, but I am getting to the point where I cannot take the stress. I have ALWAYS been there for him, no matter WHAT. When he says he can't deal, or worse, he doesn't want to, I feel unappreciated.
I am trying to give him what he needs, but he is confusing me. Is it all in my mind?
Neither of us want to break up ((we've talked about it)) but we've always had an EXTREMELY open policy. We tell each other everything, and are always truthful. But, the way he's been has made me inhibited, cuz I am afraid he will verbally attack me if I tell him how I feel.
If I can't talk to him, I can't have a relationship with him. I LOVE him, I won't let that happen.
This is hard. I hate it. I want everything to be okay.
I am sorry for rambling. Any of you guys know how I feel? I need a hug. I better shut up, this is long already.... somebody...please respond...
If you love the guy, (and you sound like you really do) you should respect his needs. I know it sounds hard, because you two sound so close and in love, but if he says he needs time alone for a bit, just give him a couple of days to cool off.
If it takes too long and you just can't bare it anymore, tell him! but a few days couldn't hurt, could it?
Because if you give him the time alone that he says he needs, maybe things will go back to the way they were before, with no fights etc.. because if he has had his alone time, and isn't as stressed anymore, what would be his reason for verbally attacking you?
well I hope I helped a bit. Best of luck to you two.
I agree, this kind of situation is never fun. BUT, here's the deal: The guy needs some space for a while. If you've been seeing and talking to each other everyday for the last year consistently... I would imagine he needs some downtime for himself. It sounds like he loves you, and put off his "downtime" and just got worse because of it.
Let him have some time alone for himself and he will come back to you. In my opinion, I think you need to ask yourself why you obsessively have to be around him and talk to him all the time... Because it doesn't sound overly healthy to me.
Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002
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Well I have a different (and not so forgiving) perspective as the previous two answers.
I was in a relationship very similar to yours. We "knew" we were meant for each other and despite our problems we got married once we both graduated from college. However, our fighting got worse and worse, and grew to several times weekly, sometimes daily, and it got more and more hurtful. He always apologized, but the next time we fought (or sometimes just out of the blue, and often in front of other people) he'd again say something that would cut me to the quick. Emotionally, it felt like I was being torn apart, bit by tiny bit, and that eventually there would be nothing left.
Eventually after 3 years of marriage with our relationship steadily worsening, I divorced him. It was the toughest decision I've ever made. I've been single for 6 years now, and I'm much, much happier and healthier. I also learned a lot about what to look for in a partner if I ever marry again.
Emotional abuse is still abuse, and saying "sorry" doesn't take away the hurt when it happens again and again. Watching what you say to somebody because you love them is one thing, but watching what you say because you think they'll hurt you if you say the wrong thing is something else entirely. You say he is "the one" but think, can you really live with this pattern for the rest of your life? If you're planning kids, do you want your kids to live with it? Stress is no excuse to abuse somebody, verbally or physically.
By all means, give him his "break." Take a break for yourself, too. It sounds like you've become really dependent on this relationship, so think of this as an opportunity to rebuild the other relationships in your life--the relationships with your family, your friends, and yourself. Before you met him, what did you do for fun? What hobbies did you pursue? What hobbies might you take up if you weren't spending so much time with him?
I know it's tough, and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, except that it sounds to me like you need to do some really hard thinking about your relationship. Don't be afraid to cry, but think of this is an opportunity rather than as something terrible.
I wish you the best of luck.
[This message has been edited by Lady Moonlight (edited 05-24-2002).]
Last year, I was going out with this guy. We were always very close, but then after about 8 months he got a new job. He literally lived at this job.
Then, even when he wasn't working, he'd be up and down like you wouldn't believe.
Every second day was something new.
It came to the point where we just weren't happy anymore.
Breaking up was the hardest thing ever. Neither of us wanted it to end, but the joy just wasn't there. Believe me, it hurt more than I thought possible.
But it was for the best. It really was. He's happier now, and so am I. We've both gone on, had loving relationships, and our lives are genuinely better for the time we spent together, and the time that we're apart.
Hi guys. I wanted to thank you all for your advice.
Every response inspired different thoughts, but all of them helped. I suppose that's why I decided to post.
The last 2 days have actually been really good. I decided to let him have his time, and he calls me when he needs (wants) to talk to me. Last night we had a really good conversation, and it eased my minds about many things.
The fact that he needs time alone is not a bad thing, and I realize it is all on me being okay with it.
He did put it off for a long time, which made our fights more frequent and worse. And I agree, that I would rather have time away from him and have him back when he's better, than fight with him every night.
celery, thank you for the hugs, I needed them.
Sun Wu, I am not obessessed :P~~~~~ I just love him, and its rough being away from him.
Lady Moonlight, you got me thinking. My boyfriend always says, no matter what, if we love each other, we'll be okay, no matter what, and I believe that. I think that since it was okay once, if I give him what he needs, something HE tries his best to do for me, I think we'll be okay. I am sorry your realtionship didn't work out *huggles*
cupcake, thank you also for your story. I am trying my best to give keep in mind that he needs time ALONE, not time AWAY from me.
I need to realize that those are 2 different things indeed.
He told me that he appreciates me trying my best to give him what he needs, so I know that it is for the best. He doesn't need forever, but just a few days. Some days are worse for me to deal with, but I know he won't be away forever, and I will always be there for him, as he will be for me.
I know we're not 100% YET. But, I am getting better. Thanx, in part, to you guys, caring to tell me what you think. Thank you.
Oh, celery....I forgot to add this to my post. Thought it would be neat to tell you. There is a place, where I live, ((Actually a few hours away)) called Celeryville! hehehe, small town, but pretty neat, huh?
Posts: 45 | From: Girard, OH, USA | Registered: Feb 2002
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