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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » am i suppose to trust him or not...?

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Author Topic: am i suppose to trust him or not...?
Member # 7752

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ok... this male friend of mine.. also my friend's ex.. um.. i dunno if i can trust him or not.. he says he likes me.. but.. i know that he had feelings for this other girl.. and he even told me that.. at first he said he doenst know who to choose.. he said he likes me more but because him and i were friends for so long and his ex g/f n i were friends too he said that it was difficult.. and with this other girl.. he says he sort of likes her too but not as much as me..
anyway.. he chose me.. but.. i don't trust him.. because after we told each other about how we felt(liking each other...) we barely talk at school.. i know he is shy and so am i.. but anyway... i often see him with that other girl.. and online when we chatt he always talks about that girl which totally pisses me off.. so one day i told him about it and we sort of had a huge fight.. but he ended up saying sorry.. ^^ but few days later he talked about her again.. and this time i was really really pissed so i told that girl that if she really likes him and if he still has feelings for her then that i'll back off.. ofcourse it hurt me alot but i just couldnt handle this.. he kept saying that he has no feelings for her or something like that.. and he said he knows how i hate it when he talks about her.. then y is he doing that??? and also.. everytime we get online.. we usually fight and in the end were like i cant end this.. i cant lose you again.. bla bla bla.. the last fight(about 3days ago) he said that he is wasting my time.. i dont really know what he meant but i thought he wanted to end this.. also i thought it was because of that girl.. i asked him if it was and he said no.. he said that he doesnt want to hurt me.. he said that im already hurt.. well yeah.. true.. i am hurt because he seems like he likes the other girl and we don't talk that much and now he sounds like he wants to end it... and then he goes that he is doing this for me.. i was like what the f***.. if u like someone alot.. y are u suppose to let that person go?? i didnt get it so i asked him.. but he kept saying that he doesnt want to hurt me.. so i asked him do u still like me.. and he said yeah.. argh..... if he likes me.. y did he do that? anyway.. we sorted things out like usual.. ^^;; but.. i really hate to fight with him and in the end juss make up... and i hate it when we dont talk at school.. i know that some of it is my fault because i juss pass him when i see him at school.. i dunno y.. but i guess im just shy.. but he does that too.. and whenever i try to talk to him he sounds like he doesnt want to talk to me.. (no hes not doing that because of he is embarrassed cus of meeh..or cus his friends r looking.. im really good friends with his friends too.. lol) anyway.. if we barely talk.. how r we suppose to move on? and how do i know if he really doesnt have any feelings for that girl...? argh..
can someone give meeh some good advice??
p.s usually i dunno what to talk about w/ him.. --;

Posts: 9 | From: glendale,california,US | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
Member # 384

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As you well know, we're not mind readers, nor can we tell you what you should do with your life. However, here are some thoughts.

You say you don't know what to talk about with him. Maybe he feels the same way? Is it possible that he talks about this other girl just because it's something to talk about? Another possibility is the "pink elephant" phenomenon. If you're not familiar with it, try this: Close your eyes for 30 seconds, and do NOT think about pink elephants. Not once. See what I mean? Trying so hard to not think about something means that it's right there at the top of your brain, even if it's not normally something you might think about. I wonder if knowing that he shouldn't talk with you about the other girl means that she's inadvertantly at the top of his mind whenever he talks to you.

Communication that consists mostly of fighting is pretty lousy communication, in my opinion. If y'all want to improve your relationship, I'd suggest:

a. Quit talking online. It's hard to tell people's expressions in print and things are often misinterpreted and/or blown out of proportion. Try the phone or better yet, get together in person if you can.

b. Agree that when you sense an argument coming on, you will change the subject. This isn't to say that you shouldn't discuss things that upset you. However, as you may have notice, often something that seems like a big deal at the time just isn't that important a day later. If you want, you can write down the thing you want to argue about, including the time and date. Look at it a day or two later, and if it still upsets you, THEN bring it up and have a discussion, not an argument.

Finally, you say you'd like to interact more at school. Well honey, if he doesn't talk to you and you don't talk to him, there's no interaction, and somebody's going to have to break the ice, so it might as well be you. Try saying "hi" to him and smiling the next time you pass in the hall. Or if you have time, have a brief conversation, even. You could always start with something like "how was math class?" or "what did you think of the daily announcements this morning?" It doesn't have to be anything deep, just a snatch of friendly conversation. If he seems to be resisting your attempts, sometime when you've got a chance to talk say something like, "It feels like when I talk to you at school you don't respond. What's up?" Really listen to his response, and try not to automatically be critical.

And finally, keep in mind that this is almost certainly not the last relationship you will ever have. If you two work things out, great, but if not, you have plenty of dating life left.

Good luck.

Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3072

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Lady Moonlight has given some great advice may want to print that one out and save it for posterity's sake.

This seems to me to be more of a communication issue than a trust issue. There is a lot of miscommunications involved on every level, and it's something that can really only be countered with actual one-on-one talking. It's just one of those semi-awkward situations where you're going to have to suck it up and walk up to him. Passing one another in the hallway won't solve anything, and certainly won't contribute to any enhancement of your well-being. As difficult as it may seem, walking up and talking to the guy will be easier in the long run than worrying about this sort of thing for weeks on end. So get to it, and let us know how it goes.

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Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Since Lady Moonlight and BruinDan have given you such excellent answers I'll just be picky.

Your post was terribly difficult to read. Check out New to Scarleteen to see how to make it a bit easier on the eyes.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7752

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thanx for the replies..
i think i need to let him go...
because im still not sure if im his only one.. these days he doesnt even talk to me online.. and also at school..
i feel like im wasting my time on him...
but i cant move on.. i cant stop thinking about him.. if i let him go.. then im losing him again.. and i really dont want this to happen.. and also.. im not a talkative person so i dont know how to tell him this..
*sigh* maybe staying as friends was the best thing to do.. i shouldnt have told him that i like him.. even though he said it first..
y cant guys stick with one girl?? y cant they be happy with one person?? argh.. this is killing me...

Posts: 9 | From: glendale,california,US | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
Member # 384

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If you decide to let this guy go, then I suggest you use the search function to look for threads on "break ups" and/or "single." I know we've had tons of discussions on things to do with yourself and ways to deal when making the part-of-a-couple to single transition.

However, it really sounds to me like what the two of you need to do is sit down and talk. The two of you appear to have a serious lack of communication problem, and the only way to fix that is by...communicating. At the very least, you owe it to him (and yourself) to break up in person. If you're afraid you won't say the right things, try making yourself notes. Seriously, I know it sounds goofy, but having a "cheat sheet" of things you want to bring up means that you won't forget anything you really need to say and it's really not as goofy as it sounds, I promise.

As for why guys can't stick with one girl, look around. How many people your age, male or female stay with the same romantic partner throughout an entire school year? For two years? For all of high school? How many folks do you know that ended up married forever to the first and only person they ever dated? Sweetie, in our society we're SUPPOSED to shop around. That way you hopefully have a better chance of figuring out what sort of person you really want when you are ready to settle down with one person.

Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7752

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hi thank u for the advices.. but.. we didnt go out or anything.. we were juss having a relationship but didnt go out.. --;;??? ^^;
anyway.. how can i know if im his only one..?
argh.. today when i saw him at school i felt like i couldnt breath..
i really want him and i really dont want to lose him again but im afraid that im the only one who feels like this.. *sigh*

Posts: 9 | From: glendale,california,US | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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