okay so..i dunno how to put this..I've already started over 5 times...I guess I'll just go for the blunt approach...My boyfriend has always maintained that he has had 6 sex partners since he was 14-myself included in that number. That didn't bother me in the least..he is safer than anyone else Iknow, right down to making sure we were both tested again before we slept together. But, last night he told me that he didn't consider oral sex sex..he has no idea how many partners he has had in that respect but, he knows it's over a hundred. I asked him several times but, he isn't lying or exaggerating. I know he used to be a big partier and he's been active for 6 years. He thinks that this new info doesn't bother me in the slightest. For the most part, it doesn't..past is past.....We both agree that it's amazing how well we fit together and how open and honest we can be....But, this gives me new insight into just who this guy was...couple this with the fact that he took the virginity of a girl he did not love and took pleasure in the pure wickedness of it..and still feels no remorse...and i wonder just what the hell I am doing. My best friend says to follow my heart in the matter...my heart says to stay with him, that his past doesn't matter..just the present..I know he loves me and I love him...but, now that I know this about him it almost feels like he's two differant people. Maybe I am just being narrowminded or shallow..I know he'd never hurt me so, what does it matter? Yet..I just cannot shake this icky feeling about all this..he was such a jerk..someone i never woulda touched in a million years..he used girls for sex and let them use him and he doesn't care...he doesn't see it as wrong. Yet, I kinda well..do. I just dunno....Any and all advice would be appreciated here.. Posts: 13 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
Hmm. . . Now, does he really not care NOW or did he not care THEN? If he doesn't see how horrible that is, than I can understand how you might feel a little uncomfortable about it. I guess the real question is, would he do something like that to you? It doesn't sound like it. People change. Are you concerned you can't trust him because of his past? You might want to discuss your concerns with him, tell him how you feel. He might be able to put your fears to rest concerning his behavior. Good luck.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
Something to keep in mind is that for some people, sex exists mostly in the physical realm. By this, I mean that it's an act done with one's body which involves little to no emotional involvement. For others, sex is always a highly emotional experience. And for most of us, the physical/emotional ratio varies depending on the partner and even the particular situation.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have pretty good communicatoin skills. If you haven't already, you might have a talk about how you both view sex in terms of physical and emotional involvement. It could be enlightening.
Now, about the girl whose virginity he "took." Putting aside all the arguments about the meaning of "virginity," I'm assuming that he did not rape her, that she had sex with him voluntarily. That being the case, he may have acted in a manner of which you do not approve, and he may not feel remorseful, but voluntary sex is a two-way street. If she chose him to be her first sexual and/or intercourse experience, maybe it wasn't all a bad thing. Unless you know her and have talked to her about this, I think in your shoes I'd have a hard time passing total judgment on your boyfriend.
And finally, I don't usually recommend video-therapy, but if you haven't seen the movie Clerks, you might give it a try. In addition to being a really great (and mostly funny) movie in general, one of the sub-plots is that the main character discovers that his girlfriend has had oral sex with literally dozens of people. He's shattered, even though she tries to explain to him that she only had actual intercourse with a very few people that she really cared about, including him. Watching how he deals with it emotionally might give you some things things to think about for your own situation.
No, he doesn't fel bad about it now..he doesn't think he did anything wrong. As for the girl...I do know her and...I doubt she even really cared. As for how he feels...there is a differance between making love and having sex. He feels that neither is wrong. I even wonder why one should be? It's better by far to have sex with someone just to have sex with no pretense at all between you about it than to fool (either yourself and/or the other person) into believing that there is some stronger emotion at play just so no one feels guilty. I'm not exactly a virgin goddess myself though my number of expolits is closer to 10 than 100. And I don't regret a single thing that I've done. But, regardless of all else...I should never have really been that concerned. All I have to do is think about the way he looks at me or things he says and I am instantly comforted...Because I know that this is differant. He's been in one other truly serious relationship before...He makes sure that I know that this is differant from his previous exploits. I talked to him about it again last night...All is truly well. I shouldn't have relied on the precepts of our society regarding normal or moral behavior interfere with what I think is right. Our society would call me a slut, for gods' sakes! Thanks for your insight and support. Always, lil
Posts: 13 | From: Kentucky, USA | Registered: Feb 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by lilithelf: I shouldn't have relied on the precepts of our society regarding normal or moral behavior interfere with what I think is right.
It sounds like you have everything worked out (wonderful ) but I just want to point out just how awesome I find the above statement.
You are entitled to your morals just as your partner is entitled to his and those are the only ones that truly matter in this situation. It is just so cool that you've decided not to let anything else make your decisions for you.
And may I suggest that you poke about at Sexual Ethics and Politics? I think you'll find a thread similar to what you mentioned if you search.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.