Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I'm.... clingy

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I'm.... clingy
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, so I have a problem. Well, that is to say no one likes this aspect about me. I'm... clingy. There isn't a single person who's accused me of that who I haven't REALLY wanted to physically harm so it's difficult for me to say it. But here goes:

For the longest time I though it was BS. In fact I stil think it's BS that anyone would give my behavior of the way I treat the people I'm sexually attracted to such a strong negative label. I put VAST amounts of effort into being with them and letting them know that I think they are special. WTF?? That's not supposed to be a bad thing! But I keep getting rejected for it which is causing me to become increasingly depressed so the question is: what do I do?

I'm so confused, I really don't understand why anyone would want me to pay LESS attention to them if they actually liked me, which they claim that they do. I just get so carried away when I like someone, I want to be near them all them time, and they just get mad at me for it. And then never say anything until after they are already pissed of at me for it. I don't know what I"m supposed to do.

I actaully tried doing the opposite just recently. I met a cute girl at a con, we hung out together most of friday saturday and sunday. I payed a lot of attention to her at time, but I also flirted the EVERY other girl that so much as looked at me, handed out mardi gras beads in echange for flashed breasts, made out with my friend, cuddled with another chick, ignored her whenever there was anyting else I wanted to do, in short treated her like crap. And yah, she got mad at me and called me a "typical male dick", but she also fell in love with me. And I feel like a complete ass, not to mention that I'm not even that interested in her. I can't do this again, certainly not to someone that I'm actually interested in.

I'm just really tired of people rejecting me because I don't play their screwed up little mind games and make them feel like I had to work to get their attention and they had to work to get my attention.

It really sucks to have complete strangers pay attention to me and treat me like I'm attractive and desireable only to later change their minds becuase I, essentially, gave them too much attention.

I'm tired of feeling unwanted, as though the only reason anyone is interested in me is for my body and an initial social impression, but after they get to know me they don't think I'm sexy anymore. It's really depressing.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
badly_behaved_badger
Activist
Member # 7728

Icon 1 posted      Profile for badly_behaved_badger     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry you're in this kind of situation. It must be so confusing. You know, there are some people like me who would give anything for a bit of attention from somebody. You sound like a very friendly, loving person . Don't try to change that. Maybe people just aren't used to being treated so nicely and they are suspicious.

I think what you need to do is give yourself boundaries - who do you trust enough to get close to? Concentrate on giving attention to people who will appreciate it, like best friends. Don't open yourself up too fast to strangers, because you could get hurt. Just go slowly when you meet new poeple, it takes time for trust to be built up.

Try to read other peoples signals, so you can see when they're getting pissed off with you. If people do get annoyed, give them some space to calm down.

I hope this advice has helped. Don't be embarrassed to see a counseller if things don't get better. A professional will be able to help you sort this out! Good luck .
*lotsa hugs from da bajjah*


Posts: 388 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It doesn't mean people want to be "treated like crap", but it might be a sign that you are overwhelming them with attention. Especially if you are in the early stages of maybe starting a relationship, people can get very uncomfortable if you instantly start treating them like they are the love of your life - even if they like you, they may feel that you are desperate or getting obsessive or that your feelings are way more intense than theirs are at this stage. That can be scary and cause people to back off, even if they liked you before this.

(I used to do this, so I learnt this principle the hard way by inadvertently freaking out a couple of people I really liked).


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
earth girl
Neophyte
Member # 7759

Icon 1 posted      Profile for earth girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, the opposite of clingy ISN'T ignoring someone, flirting with every girl you see and making out with your friend. That's being plain nasty as far as I'm concerned.

It's possible to show someone you care for them / like them without suffocating them, you just need to be aware of your behaviour and tone it down where necessary.


Posts: 36 | From: UK | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Maryha
Activist
Member # 7897

Icon 3 posted      Profile for Maryha     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is a tough question. . . First of all, I immediately noticed that you say you're depressed for not being successful with anyone. Are you so concerned by this that when you think something might work you stifle the person involved?
The truth of the matter is, going to the opposite extreme is no good, and this "treat her like crap" approach doesn't even sound like it's working for you, in the sense that you don't sound very proud of it. And really, it's not a good thing to be proud of.
Are you confident? Because if you're not, and because of that you shower a girl with too much attention, she might begin to worry you think too little of yourself.
The bottom line is, if you're confident, happy with yourself, and just be who you are, a girl will like you. And if she doesn't, it may not even be about you. Also, just be sure to give a girl her space, and go slow if you don't know her that well. The truth of that matter is, guys aren't the only ones who freak if a person who likes us starts going overboard and thinking about "forever" (not saying you are).
Anyway, good luck.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Maryha touched on what I was thinking when she said to give people their space. Personally, I actually prefer more "space" than attention.

I think the reason for this is I find it intimidating when people are all over me - no matter how well-intentioned they may be. It makes me feel like that person depends on me for their happiness. Regardless of the accuracy, it's a lot of pressure and make me uncomfortable. (Not to mention how unhealthy it is to be that dependent upon others - but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing.)

My personal preference is someone who enjoys being around me, as opposed to someone who needs to be around me. However the thing to keep in mind is that's my preference, everyone has their own of course. If you enjoy showering loved ones with attention, shower away. If they have a problem with it, discuss it. Don't try to change yourself unless it's making you unhappy.


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
being rejected is making me unahppy

Oh well, screw them all. I think I'm just gonna forget about it for awhile.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sun Wu
Activist
Member # 7018

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sun Wu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I'm so confused, I really don't understand why anyone would want me to pay LESS attention to them if they actually liked me, which they claim that they do. I just get so carried away when I like someone, I want to be near them all them time, and they just get mad at me for it.

This sums up your problems IMHO.

1.) You don't understand the difference between quantity and quality of attention. More is better? No,I will tell you that in your case, less is more sometimes. If you ask me, halve the time you pay attention to a girl, and see how you do. There is nothing wrong with NOT seeing the girl you love everyday. Give her some of her own time.

2.) You're not very good at reading people, and nor are you good at considering what they want. Just because you want to be around said girl all the time doesn't mean she wants to be around you all the time. Detecting agitation isn't that difficult unless a person is intentionally hiding it.

3.) You don't consider the results of your actions very well. I recomend more introspection and less going from extreme to extreme.


Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Sun Wu:
2.) You're not very good at reading people, and nor are you good at considering what they want. Just because you want to be around said girl all the time doesn't mean she wants to be around you all the time. Detecting agitation isn't that difficult unless a person is intentionally hiding it.

I'm not a mind reader. People need to say what's on their mind and not get mad at me when I believe their social masks. People are really lame like that. I'm not responsible for successfully detecting their "aggitation" and psycically knowing why they are upset and preemtively removing myself from their presence especially when I DO see that they are acting weird, ask them about it, and they just accuse me of being "hyper-sensitive" and reading stuff into what they are saying. And then they get mad at me for believing them, it's BS.

Other than that I guess you're right...


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PrincessStar
Neophyte
Member # 7035

Icon 2 posted      Profile for PrincessStar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello... I know how you feel. I LOVE being around and with my boyfriend. But he feels that most of the time I am being too "clingy" and too "needy". I think people just need to except that this is how we are...I have tried chaning myself, but it just doesn't help. One day I'm sure you'll find someone who is just as "clingy" as you and you two will be very happy.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
Activist
Member # 3820

Icon 1 posted      Profile for somewhatanonymous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hahaha, you are so right!

And what's up with the word "clingy"? I hate that. I just feel like it's taking my BEST social attribute, my endless supply of love and affection, and twisting it all around into something bad. It makes me feel horrible.

That and it isn't as though I FORCE people to be around me, all they have to do is say "Hey, I'm gonna do go do something now. No, you can't come. I'll see you later." and voila, they can't possibly accuse me of being clingy becaue I'm not with them, and they aren't mad at me. But no, that would be too simple, too logical. People couldn't possibly do that. *rolls eyes*

As for your optimism about the future... I dunno. Optimism hurts too much. But I feel pretty comfortable being single at the moment so I'm just going to run with that torch until it burns out, perhaps something worth my effort will turn up in the meantime.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sun Wu
Activist
Member # 7018

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sun Wu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
somewhatanonymous, about the part of my last post you quoted... I was trying to intimate that if someone IS hiding their emotions it is hard to read them. I'm not suggesting you become a telepath, simply that you try and learn to read people better than you already do.

Again, there's nothing wrong with being loving and affectionate. Simply not all the time, for most people. One can have too much of a good thing.


Posts: 117 | From: Where does my name remind you of? well it's wrong! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3