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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » ex b.f.'s pix???

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Author Topic: ex b.f.'s pix???
soccerryotgurl
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If I wanted to get rid of my photos of my ex b.f. w/o burning them because I am scared of fire but the trash can isn't mean enough. I tried to give them back but he doesn't want them, and I don't either.
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Dzuunmod
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Uhhh, I'm really not sure what it is that you're asking here. Is there a question? If not, the thread should be closed, because there isn't really anything for us to discuss.
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alaska
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hon, did i get it right and you want advice on how to destroy your ex's pictures?

while i fail to see the importance of that or why just throwing them in the bin wouldn't be enough, if it would make you feel better to let out some aggression first: why not cut them up beforehand?

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Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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soccerryotgurl
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I was asking for a more cathartic method to destroy my ex's photos than the trash can.


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Heather
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Sounds to me, lass, like you should take the cue of how you feel about the photos and realuze you have some emotional processing to do.

What you do or do not do to pieces of paper can't do that for you.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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alaska
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Some wise words from Heather here I think.

I personally always preferred to keep memorabilia of my partners, I just put them away in a box. And these days, looking at that old stuff brings back lots of good memories. Would have been a terrible loss, I reckon, if I had thrown all that away.

In any way, you have to do what feels right for you. Just be aware that doing something to those photos alone most likely won't make you get rid of the emotions.

So if you feel like it: tear them apart with your teeth, make confetti out of them, whatever. Just don't throw them in a river. Bad for the environment.
And more importantly: take some time to really deal with the prob here.

------------------
Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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Bluey18
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Well, I kept all my memorabilia, i just taped it in a box and put it in the back of my closet. I don't have the heart to throw it away cuz I do love him still very very much.
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Celtic Daisy
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I agree with Alaska. I think it's a good idea to keep that kind of stuff. In grade 8 there was this guy i wrote letters to and he sent me his picture. Somehow we considered this dating even though he lived 2 provinces away,haha! Anywho, he sent me his picture, and when he "broke up" with me, i tore it up and flushed it, hehe. I kinda regret it now, because it'd be nice to remember what he looked like, and what my first little fling sorta thingy was.

awww well....there's always memories...

------------------
"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


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soccerryotgurl
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Wow! That's a great idea, Celtic Daisy, and a great warning as well. I have some questions so I can make an informed desicion. Did flushing it work pretty well? I thought it would stop it up. Did it release the feelings you had? Would you recommend flushing as a method? Did you regret it right away, or years later? Where did the regret come in? Did you take your time deciding to flush it, or did you just do it?


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alaska
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Throwing anything into the toilet that isn't supposed to be there - like photos - isn't a good idea.Just not good for the sewage treatment plant.

Soccer, why is this so important for you? Wouldn't it be better to get at the root of that instead of wasting your time by looking for the best method to destry these bits of paper?
If you really want to release some negative energy, why not go and exercise? Some Tae-Bo or Boxing works wonders.

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Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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kythryne
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I agree with what a few other people have said -- it does sound like you might want to take a look at why you want to destroy his pictures. But, with that said...

On my last birthday, I took all of my ex's letters, photos, everything I had left from him, and burned them. I'd been struggling with a lot of abuse flashbacks and other crap for months at that time, and try as I could, I'd made very little progress in letting go of it. Burning all of that stuff helped a lot -- it wasn't until then that I really started to get over the absolute terror I had of those memories, and the awful nightmare-ish feelings of guilt and fear and pain that accompanied them.

So my opinion is that if you feel that destroying the pictures will help you, definitely do it. But think too about why you feel so strongly about it -- if there are issues, you'll need to address them too. Destroying the pictures could be an excellent catalyst, but don't stop there if you need further help in getting over him.

As for how to get rid of them -- well, I burned mine, but I have no issues with fire, so it wasn't a problem for me. Tearing them up with your teeth sounds like another good way to go about it. If you really want to burn them, maybe you could give them to a friend you really trust and ask her/him to do it for you? They could bring you the ashes afterwards so you'd know it had been done.

Hope this helps.

Kyth


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soccerryotgurl
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Alaska-My feelings about the pieces of paper I find easier to control than my feelings about him. I see the pieces of paper with his image in the same light as people who have a problem with the U.S. flag being burned or degraded see the flag. Coming from the background I do, I would rather deal with harsh emotions towards the paper him because I fear where my feelings towards the actual him could go.
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alaska
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Soccer honey, I didn't mean you would have to let these feelings out on him instead of the photos, but rather wanted to spark some grieving work and to deal (in your head, in conversations with other people) the issues that this relationship has brought up.

I think kyth has said some good things up there:

quote:
Destroying the pictures could be an excellent catalyst, but don't stop there if you need further help in getting over him.

It takes time to "get over" or work your way through a relationship that's ended, and I just wanted to remind you that it's more than just chucking your exes pictures out in the most violent way you can imagine. If something serious happened in this relationship (and it looks like it did), you should really handle these issues first. Burning some pics won't make them go away, and they might return when you least expect them.

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Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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Celtic Daisy
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*NOTE*
when i flushed, i had a little tiny school pic, which i ripped up into very tiny pieces(hehe, releasing some of the anger) and made sure they were tiny tiny tiny.

I felt regret a few months later, and the next summer when the guy called me, and i chickened out and never saw him again.

I'd be interested to know what he's like now, after over 4 years.

And i wish i had a little momento of him.

------------------
"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


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soccerryotgurl
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Alaska-You are quite perceptive, something serious did happen, and it was the first for both of us. Why are guys so confusing? He's a really great guy, sweet, zany, and smart. The only problem is he doesn't realize how great he is. He treated me so well, and himself so poorly. He hardly ever eats. He rarely sleep. He's a cutter, and drinks everybody under the table at parties, and I think he's on drugs. He scares me, not for my safety, but for his. I tried to convince him to get help, and he said he would rather die young and fast. He's had a really bad past, and once I got to know him, I saw how much pain he was in, and it was heartbreaking. I love him, I just don't feel like being Courtney Love as a teenager. Why must the boy of my dreams so self destructive? At this point, I just want to wash my hands of him.
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alaska
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Soccer: first of all, big fat huggles to you.

Sounds like you didn't exactly have a "light problem load" with this relationship, oh dear. - No wonder that this was all a troubling.
Seeing someone that you love being destructive to him/herself definitely isn't easy, as many other threads all over here have shown, too. It was something that left me, personally, feeling very helpless and loveless and on lost ground, when I was in a similar situation a few years back.

Hon, now that you've written about that a bit, I wonder whether that has helped at all. Would writing be a bit of a coping way for you? - I've found that getting things out by writing, be it on paper or in pixels can be quite helful when I'm figuring out something. For me that means that I sometimes sit in front of this screen here and cry my eyes out or can barely sit still because of my anger, but I get things out, and have to think them through, and when I re-read the stuff I write a few months later, I get a new perspective, too. Really open and honest writing can be carthartic, too!

Just an idea, gal. Maybe you could give it a try while those photos are still somewhere?

------------------
Caro
~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"Through repetition the magic will be forced to rise."
Alchemical Precept


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John Doe
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Soccer,
I can certianly understand your not wanting to go out with him anymore, he sounds like a big load to try to take on. What I don't understand is the degree on antipathy that you expressed in your first post towards him. I strikes me that one should feel sorry for this guy, not anger and hatred. That is what you were showing when you wanted to totally distroy his pictures. I can underswtand that if he was abusive towards you, or cheated on you or attempted date rape or something. But not because he is irresponsible and on a self destructive path.
Hold on to the pictures, if you distroy them you may come to regret it.

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soccerryotgurl
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Well, everyone here has been quite helpful. I am impressed with this group. To address a few points: Mr. Doe-The anger I feel towards him is from how resistant he was towards help, and how he can be a cold, manipulative person(that's his darker side). To Alaska, yes the advice has helped and I am working with a counseler at school and she thinks this is wonderful. I logged on and showed her everything. So, I have decided on a novel idea. My counseler said she thought it would be better to give the negatives to my parents so I have an oppurtunity to look at them in a few years, flush the pix, and try to move on since she's concerned I could fall into his self destructive ways. But since you guys have given such great advice, I decided to put it to a vote. Should I flush his photos?
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kythryne
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quote:
What I don't understand is the degree on antipathy that you expressed in your first post towards him. I strikes me that one should feel sorry for this guy, not anger and hatred. That is what you were showing when you wanted to totally distroy his pictures. I can underswtand that if he was abusive towards you, or cheated on you or attempted date rape or something. But not because he is irresponsible and on a self destructive path.

IMO, being self-destructive and refusing to seek help or allow your partner to help is a form of abusive behavior. My father was an alcoholic for much of my childhood and teenage years, and while I was never physically harmed or directly attacked, it was still very traumatic, and it left me with a lot of issues that I later had to work out in therapy.

I agree, we should feel sorry for people who choose to destroy themselves. However, I also think that it's perfectly acceptable to be angry about it, and to express that anger in constructive ways.

Soccer, hon, I'm glad to hear that you're talking to a counseler, and that you're taking steps to work through your anger and other feelings about this person. Giving your parents the negatives and destroying the photos sounds like an excellent idea to me.

Kyth

(edited because I'm frightfully bad at spelling)

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 10-30-2001).]


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