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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » College and stuff

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Author Topic: College and stuff
Kasper
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Ive been with my bf for about 4 months. We really like each other alot. Where both freshmens in college. He is in one state and Im in the other. Were about an hr away. I only get to see him on wkends. Usually friday night, saturday night, and sometimes on sundays if Im lucky. Its not easy. In the summer I was with him constantly. Everyday. This has been a big adjustment for me. I think for him too. I cant stand being away from him. I was thinking of transfering to a different school in our state. Which would be about 25 mins away from him. Do you think I am making a mistake of transfering for him? Thanks alot guys!
Posts: 213 | From: *Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Honestly, most adult relationships give you about that much time together. I live with my partner, and I'd estimate you likely spend more time with ours right now than I do with mine, and we're in the same house.

Frankly, I'd not rush into that. 4 months is a pretty short-term relationship, and if you're new to college, THAT is what needs your attention right now, and the same probably is the case for your boyfriend. Why not ride this out for another semester or two then see how you feel about it?

Meanwhile, what does youur boyfriend think about this? havew you discussed it with him?

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Kasper
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I always play around with him, saying how he should go to school up here with me (they dont offer his major) and hes like no come here with me. We deff. wanna be together more.

I told him I wanted to transfer, but I did not tell him it was for him. He was all for the idea tho.


Posts: 213 | From: *Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I don't thinnk you can say someone is "all for an idea" when you don't tell them the whole story, honey.

If you're serious about a relaationship getting more serious, seems to be that you should start with real honesty before you start with relocation.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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KittenGoddess
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If you're seriously thinking about moving, then I agree with Miz S that you better be honest with him about the whole reason you're moving. That's making a pretty big decision, to move like that just for another person. Someone who you haven't been in a relationship with for that long.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and we're about 7 hours apart. Now, I should state that we have always had a LDR of about that distance, but still...when he first moved away from home, we discussed him moving near me so that we could be together. And in the end, we decided it would be a really bad idea. In college, especially at the beginning, it's important to focus on getting then things you need to get done, done! I know that there are lots of people who carry on relationships in college, and that's perfectly ok, but you'll find that a majority of them didn't drop everything and move just to be with that other person. Because really, what if it doesn't work out? What if you can't give your relationship enough time because of your studies? But you moved so that you could spend time together, right? What happens when somebody isn't getting enough attention because of difficult and time consuming classes? What if somebody starts feeling smothered by the idea of 4 years of constantly being around the other? And if you break up, then what? You're stuck for at least 4 years at a college that wasn't your first choice.

Yes, it's important to look at what is best for your relationship, and what will make you feel best may seem like being together. But what about what's best for your future...not for your future as a couple, but for your future as an individual.

~KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Advocate

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"Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems"

"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together!"


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Kasper
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Its not that Im not being honest. I am... Im switching for him, and for a few other small reasons. I told him the small reasons, I just dident feel as if I should tell him the main reason, till I know I am going there. And yes, he was all for the idea of me going closer to home, when I told him.
Posts: 213 | From: *Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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Sweetie, if you're omitting part of the truth, then that's pretty much the same as not telling the truth at all. If he is a major part of the reason you're moving, then he deserves to know that you're thinking about making this decision pretty much solely on that fact. Do you only intend to tell him half the truth in all parts of your relationship now?

Hmmm...ya know, I could start telling my boyfriend only half the truth. I'll tell him I'm going out shopping, and then after about 25 minutes worth of that, I'll go out and party and get plastered! Woo hoo! And hey, I'll have been telling him the truth, cause I told him the little part, right?

Get my point sweetie? You can't tell half the truth and have it be ok in situations like this. It's a big decision you're thinking about making, and its hardly fair to put him in the position of not knowing the entire truth. Don't you respect him enough to tell him?

~KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Advocate

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"Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems"

"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together!"


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Kasper
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I do... but I dont wanna tell him until I know if Im gonna be going to a closer school for sure. What if I tell him and get his hopes up, and I dont end up getting into the school Im applying to. that would not be fair tho. Get my point??
Posts: 213 | From: *Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
emsily0
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no no no, i do not get your point. i understand how you're feeling, totally, but it's not a good idea. you need to talk to him about this.

my boyfriend and i are from the same hometown. we started going out 15 months ago - the summer after his freshman year in college and my junior year in high school. we decided to stay together when he want back to school an hour and a half away from me. we both had cars and were willing to visit each other; we ended up seeing each other pretty much every weekend. it was tough (especially the long distance bills) but we did it.

it was a big problem for me when i was trying to decide where to go to school. i applied to his school and i got into a bunch of the honors programs there. it's a state school, so it's reasonably priced, and i would have gotten a fine education, not to mention the fact that i would have been at school with him.

but in the end, i realized that even though it might have had some advantages, it wasn't the right school for me, and i would basically have been going there to be with him. that is NOT a good idea. you have to pick a school that's right for you, not a school that's right for your relationship. you don't know how long your relationship will last, but you're sort of stuck with your school, at least for a little while. you don't want to pick somewhere you won't be happy with on its own merit, you know? if you wouldn't pick it if it weren't for this boy, you shouldn't pick it at all.

so i'm at school about 4 hours away from my boy. that's on a good day - it takes 5 if there's any traffic. it sucks. but it's doable, and in my opinion an hour away and seeing him every weekend doesn't sound that bad; i sort of doubt that you would see him so much more if you went to a closer school.

i'm a freshman in college, and believe me i know damn well how hard it can be and how lonely it is sometimes. sometimes i just need to cuddle and there's no one there to cuddle with. but transferring mainly to be closer to him is a Bad with a capital B idea.

and i really think you should talk about how you feel with him. if you're feeling like you are, i bet he would like to know about it and i'm sure he's a good person to discuss it with. don't think about "getting his hopes up," think about how much he cares about you and how much he would want to know if you're feelin' blue.

em

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Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk - real straight talk about souls - for life is holy and every moment is precious. I heard the Denver and Rio Grande locamotive howling off in the mountains. I wanted to pursue my star further. -Kerouac


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KittenGoddess
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And are you positive that he's going to "get his hopes up" if you tell him that you're changing schools just for him? I know that if I called up my boyfriend, told him that I was completely changing everything in my life just because I couldn't stand to be without him...well he'd probably call and make an appointment for me to get a CAT scan. Why? Because that would put an incredible amount of pressure on him, and on our relationship. He'd have to figure out how to make things work, because hey, I'd dropped my life and moved just for him! Now of course that's just for me personally. Maybe you're different, maybe you'll be fine, I don't know.

It sounds to me like you're not looking for advice here about whether or not it's a smart idea to move for him, and maybe that sounds harsh. If so, then I apologize. But it seems to me like you've made the decision and are just looking for somebody to tell you that you're right, and I really doubt you're going to find many people here who would agree that making that kind of a decision at this point in life is a great idea. By omitting part of the truth, which is essentially the same as lying in my mind, you'll be putting a shaky foundation down for a relationship that you're talking about putting incredible pressure on. Doesn't sound like such a hot idea to me, but hey, it's your life and it sounds like you're set on your decision. So I wish you the best of luck, and I hope it works out for you.


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Sallynha
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I didn't read all the posts but I got some random points here and there, and I'd like to give my own personal history here.

I had a boyfriend who lived about 200kms away from him. Obviously, we didn't even have the chance to be together every weekend, at the most one day per month. And even that one day was hard to "have" because we were both studying and both had things to do etc.

So, we were in a relationship for about 6 months, when he was going to start college. He could apply to a few different colleges in the country, all in different places, the nearest being 1 hour away from his home, so if he got into that one he didn't have to move.

He started telling me he wanted to move here and study here because of me, etc etc, giving also other "small reasons", like he didn't want to stay with his family anymore, etc etc... BUT as weird as it may seem, I didn't want him to do that. I mean, of course we would have more time to be together, but that was only a small detail, and being our relationship as short as 6 months, there wasn't such a high level of commitment for me to accept him changing his whole lifestyle just to be nearer to me. That would imply accommodation, food, everything, and also being away from his family and friends for most of the time.

I tried to persuade him that it would be best for him if he applied to a college that was nearer his town, even if not to the nearest, but coming here was just too much when he could have the same thing for less.

He never understood my point, and always thought I had some ideas behind what I was saying, and he said he would come here no matter what, even if I didnt aprove of it.

We had endless rows about that, because that would put me in a position where I was somewhat responsible for him before his parents, and if he didn't do well in college it would be "my" fault. But he didn't understand that either.

So after a lot of arguing we decided to break up (not because of that *only*, of course, but it did have a lot to do with that, because we just didn't seem to communicate successfully and understand eachother's points).

So, make sure you talk a lot about all the possibilities with him, let him know why you would want to tranfer to another school, and ask if he was ok with your reasons, because believe me, it can put a lot of pressure on him (as it happened with me).

Plus, the fact that you don't get to be together so often only makes you take the most of the times you do get to be together, and gives you time for your own things too.

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~Sallynha
The Beautiful Smile Hides The Troubled Soul

ICQ# 123898306


Posts: 390 | From: * my own little shell * | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kasper
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I was looking for advice, and I appreciate everyones opinion. I have other reasons to move schools to. Personal ones. But moving for him is up there on the list. Im not crazy, and Im sure other people have done it too.
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LilBlueSmurf
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No one here is calling you crazy, and yes, i'm sure it's been done before. I've considered staying in my hometown for post secondary school too ... and in the end, it's really my decision and my decision alone. You're asking for advice, and people are giving it to you. What you do w/ the advice is up to you.

I'm not going to say you should've move ... B/c i can't say that i wouldn't do the same thing. I've thought about it and i'm still thinking about it. But i haven't even graduated yet. If you're already settled in, why move? There are a lot of obstacles in relationships and this would just be a small one ... in the long run.


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Cypher
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I'm going to tell you my story. This may confuse you even further, but it also might help you understand.

My fiance (then-boyfriend) and I had been together for a year before it came time for us to decide to go away to school. We both knew what we wanted out of our education and we both looked, on our own, for schools which would suit those scholastic needs. There were a few which were on both our lists. We applied to many and we got into some and, yes, we ended up chosing the same school. I'm here because of their drama program and small size, he's here because of their philosophy department.

Choosing a school is a HUGE decision and it has to have what you need the most for your future (which really isn't a boyfriend). Getting the most out of your time there far exceeds a relationship. If you were to go there and change your path because of someone you've been with for only four months you may end up regretting it. I'm going to play devil's advocate here: What if you two break up? You'll have changed everything only to be with your ex.

Another thing is that you should be absolutely crystal clear on how he would feel about it. Sometimes people feel under pressure to agree with things. After four months it could be that perhaps he isn't ready for that kind of committment. You're putting a lot of responsibility and pressure on him with this. And it's VERY likely he sees through the "little" reasons.

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Smile, though your heart is breaking....

My crazy little universe....

"Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there....
With open arms and open eyes...."

-Incubus


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