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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it possible to be friends with an "EX"?

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Author Topic: Is it possible to be friends with an "EX"?
ktroub
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Hi --
I've tried to be friends with my recent ex.. this was the second time that we went out and broke up. We're in the same friend group at school, and he's basically my best friend. Everytime we become friends we fool around or I get mad at him. I truely believe that he still has feelings for me, and I don't think I can ever forgive him for dumping me for the reasons that he did. We're both still sexually attracted to each other. Is it dangerous to be friends? Does anyone have an 'ex' friendship success stories? I think I'm still in love with him....I stopped being his friend but I missed him too much. Please help. Thanks.

Posts: 21 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lilnerd
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What do you mean by 'dangerous' ? That there's a chance that you guys might hook up again? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. It doesn't seem like that's the problem though. The problem is that you still have feelings for him and you think he does too. You should talk to him about that -- unless you'd rather not continue to pursue him and just move on. If so, it might be best to NOT hang out with him for a while, just so you can get past him. It's very hard for people to jump right into being JUST friends with someone who you were with. It's understandable and completely normal.

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"I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal"
~Incubus


Posts: 543 | From: NY | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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I've been friends with all of my ex'es, and the ones I'm not friends with, other factors were the reason for us not being friends. The only time it doesn't work out is if one person has feelings for the other, because then they'll get jealous when their friend gets interested in other people, and then does stupid things like trying to sabatoge other relationships and stuff. And then you're not really being a friend, you're just being a jealous ex.

So...make of that what you willl, but I do think that the best idea is to make sure that both/all partners are nuetral about the other...

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Brittany
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Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blackbird
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I agree with lilnerd. Some time apart might help save the friendship while you both have feelings going on. The worst feeling is the world sometimes is to hear a guy go off about another girl when you still have feelings for him. I think some time apart will definitely help.

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Posts: 354 | From: san mateo, california, usa | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Qt4everNB
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i go with black bird and lilnerd some time apart does work..

like they say time cures almost all.give it some time i had my times when i was friends with an ex and all I was, a jealous ex ..U dont want to be the one listening to all his stuff about him meetin a hot girl ..I no i didnt..
so just give it time hun..

Wish ya luck..c ya

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[This message has been edited by Qt4everNB (edited 08-16-2001).]


Posts: 20 | From: Guttenberg, NJ,USA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Astarte
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Of the 3 people I've dated seriously (excluding my current serious boyfriend), I'm friends with one of them. We're not too close, but we are friendly; it took us a year to start talking again, though, and that was a year of absolutely NO contact AT ALL, because I moved away and we lived in different countries.

I find that when I'm dumped by someone I love (as happened the first 2 times), it's impossible for me to be friends with them immediately, because I invariably want more than friendship from them until I've completely gotten over them, and it's impossible to get over them while still having contact with them. I haven't spoken to my first love in... oh, three years? I loved him, and it was wonderful, but after we broke up, talking to him was just too hard because it kept reminding me of the pain of our breakup, and I just couldn't do it anymore. The second time was the guy I'm friends with now, but we only started talking a year after we broke up, when we'd both moved on to new loves, and neither of us wanted anything more than friendship from the other. Even now, though, my friendship with him is different than my friendship with someone I've never dated. There IS that history, and we both know it, so we're not as close as we might be if we'd never dated.

The third ex was mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive and treated me horribly, and after we mutually broke up, I ran as far away from ever having any contact with him again as I possibly could.

Of course, different people find different things. However, I don't think it's possible for ANYONE (except maybe a very few people) to jump right into a close friendship with a recent ex. You both need breathing room after a breakup, and depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, that breathing room could be a few weeks to a few years. I very very much urge you to take it.


Posts: 34 | From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
broken_wishbone
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It's possible, it just takes time. My ex-boyfriend is my best friend. However, it took months and months for us to be comfortable talking as friends after we broke up. Even after we could talk, it was like any other friendship: time and experiences together led to us getting closer and closer. You just have to step back and look. SHOULD you be that close to this person right now, or will it just do more damage? Would it help to take time off from them so when you come back things will be a little easier? I say, if you want to be friends with him, be friends with him, but don't force it right away. Just give yourselves time to get over everything that's happened, and then continue.

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I panic and hold on tighter, but that makes it worse.
How am I supposed to take it when she says, "This is something I'm going through; it's got nothing to do with you"?


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Celtic Daisy
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Yeah, think it's possible. But it also depends what kind of relationship you had with that person. Did you end on good terms, etc. Like what was already said, it does take time.

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Posts: 1747 | From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
short stuff
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omgoodness. i am in the exact same situation right now. except that i have feelings for my ex and he doesn't have feelings for me and i fear that if we don't hang out, we will lose touch because he is out of high school. we did fool around a lot after we broke up and that's not a good thing because it confused me even more.

this is my first incident with a friend with an ex. i am friends with this guy i went out with for a month in 7th grade, but that is a different story.

if you still have feelings for him and he still has feelings for you, maybe you should talk and get everything out in the open. why did you two break up in the first place? that is a good question to ask yourself if you still think there is the "love flame" between you two. good luck. take care. <3

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(heart) always, sarah boo

*I need to know if you were real, I'd hate to think that I've been fooled again*
*I think I'm jealous of your girlfriend...*
*I cry because I know he doesn't feel the way I do. I cry because I think of how pathetic I am. And I cry because I think I'll be crying forever.*


Posts: 90 | From: seattle, washington, usa | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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