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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » boyfriends and babies

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Author Topic: boyfriends and babies
sunkissedsurfer
Neophyte
Member # 3934

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I'm 15 and my boyfriend Tre is 17 (he'll be 18 on Aug. 19)...the other day, I found out from one of his friends that he has a daughter. I don't know what I should do about this situation, because it dosen't bother me, personally, but everyone I know is always like..."WHAT??? why are you still with him??" so maybe there's something that I'm overlooking. What do you guys think? Would you stay with someone who has a child?
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"They say that practice makes perfect, but there's no such thing as perfect, so why practice?"


Posts: 6 | From: Fairfax, VA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Gosh, you know, at a certain point in one's life, that becomes almost a given. In other words, when you're past puberty, it is always a possibility that a lover may have a child. It's pretty normal, natural and common.

I think the attitude you're meeting as a teen is an assumption (which may be true) that your boyfriend wasn't very responsible about birth control. Even if that was the case, it isn't like he can't be now if he wasn't in the past.

So, you do what YOU feel is okay, but I assure you that when you're all a little bit older, people will hjave children, and unless you just don't want to be a stepparent or be around children, it really is a non-issue.

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Heather Corinna
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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Unless you were under the illusion that you were his first, I don't see what difference it should really make to you. First, other than the fact that he had unprotected intercourse,(a decision that he is only 50% responsible for) he really had no control over the situation. The decision to have the kid was entirely his partners.
The only real downside from your point of view, is that he will probably have to pay child support, and thus have less disposible income, and hopefully he will want to have some relationship with his little girl (for her sake as well as his I hope that he does), and as such he will continue to have some contact with his former partner.
I don't think having a kid changes who he is, or what sort of person he is like.

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sallynha
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Member # 312

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Hi sunkissedsurfer, and welcome to the boards

Before anything else, do you trust the person who told you your boyfriend has a child?

If not, but even if you do trust that person, you really have to talk with your boyfriend. After all, it's something maybe he should have told you, isn't it?

Not because it's "vital" to whether you should stay with him or not, but because it's something you'd rather hear from him than from anyone else, as it's kind of private.

Given your age, maybe he didn't tell you because he was afraid that would put you off, and I can understand that, but when you are in a comitted relationship there has to be a certain grade of honesty and trust.

So, first, talk with him. See why he has kept that from you. If he meant to keep it private, maybe he should tell his friends to not go around and tell everyone because I understand at that age it can make a lot of people judge him in the wrong way.

Now as for the fact of him having a baby, I don't see why that on itself should make you like him less or make you not want to be around him. But it's something you have to think regarding your values and what you feel for him.

Hope this helped

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~Sallynha

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Posts: 390 | From: * my own little shell * | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
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Member # 2971

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Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about this. Does it bother you that he has a daughter? I dont see why it should and i don't see why it change your relationship all that much.

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...Everybody knows what a store-bought sweater looks like. But man, when you see a home-knitter on the street, it's obvoius, you know?"
-Hawksley Workman

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KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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The entire decision is up to you, not your friends. I'd advise talking to him about it. If you don't see it as a problem, I don't see why it should be one...that is, unless he's being a 'dead-beat parent', or is refusing to use birth control or get tested for STDs or something like that...which would potentially point to other, deeper problems for the relationship. Talk it out with him, get the real story.

~KittenGoddess

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John Doe
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Kitten,
The moral implications of being a "dead beat parent" for a 17 yo are not all cut and dried, but depend vitally on what sort of relationship he has, or is allowed to have, with the kid. i would hope that he has both an emotional role and a finacial role in the child's upbringing. But I sort of see them as being a package, especially when they were not married. After all, the final say in having the child was her's and her's alone. If she has the kid, but does not allow him to play a role in how the child is brought up, by what moral reasoning should he be forced to pay for the next 18 years? If she wanted it, but he didn't why should he be forced to support her decision? I know the law does not side with me on this. However, I see the law as being extremely unfair.

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blackbird
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I think you should talk to your boyfriend about it. There isn't anything wrong with him being 17 and already having a kid. You might want to find out though how much time he spends with the kid, etc which would give you an idea of what kind of father he will be (in case you ever think about marrying him). Single parents date at all ages so I don't think it's anything knew. And hey, it doesn't bother you which is really important. He might not have mentioned it to you before out of his own fear that he didn't know how you would react to it.

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Posts: 354 | From: san mateo, california, usa | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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