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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Internet Relationships

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Author Topic: Internet Relationships
SolitaryTear
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Hi, I'm 17 years old and my fiance is 22. We fell completely head over heels for one another when in a poetry chat room. We have been together for almost 4 months and we obviously have never had a physical sexual experience. He is a virgin, I am not. We have had the casual "cyber sex" and "phone sex" as well as sending one another nude photos. We plan on meeting face-to-face on my 18th birthday this September 20th. We have vowed not to have sex until the both of us are absolutely ready. I'm wondering if anyone else reading this Scarleteen Board is currently in an internet relationship and if so how it has been going.
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ErinK
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I have been in a number of relationships that started over the Internet, and I met my three current partners in an Internet community that I've been a part of for over seven years.

That being said, allow me to share with you some hard-won nuggets of experience:

1) people really are different in person.

Sometimes the differences aren't large; sometimes they are. But it's important to meet and get to know someone in person before deciding whether or not the relationship is one that you want to carry over into all of your real life -- particularly into a lifelong committment such as marriage. (And I have been dating one of my met-on-the-net-partners for five and a half years, so let me tell you, I know how painful it is to wait!)

2) don't feel like you have to be sexual with a Net partner just because you'll only be together for a limited time.

When my first partner and I met, it took us two years of our relationship before we ever got around to engaging in some sexual activities. We weren't ready, and we didn't feel like we had to do certain things right then and there just because we weren't going to see each other for another few months.

3) don't expect perfection.
Planes will get delayed. You will spill diet coke down your shirt within hours of meeting each other, in front of his mother (oh, wait, that was me.) You may fight. You may get bored. You may want space to yourself. Don't expect that it all has to be hearts n' flowers wonderful perfect all the time just becuase you have a limited amount of time. In fact, schedule time for yourselves, and don't over-plan visits.

4) be prepared for missing, for disapppointment, and for heartache.

They happen in every relationship.

I know this sounds harsh, and probably not what you want to hear, because God knows I didn't want to hear it the first time I fell in love with someone over the Net, but do you really want to call someone your fiance and plan a lifelong committment with him when you haven't met yet? I know it *seems* like you can know someone as intimately and as well as anything over the Net and over the phone, but my own experience has proven to me that those ways of knowing people are only the tip of the iceberg -- and that it's easy for me to believe that someone is who I want them to be when I don't see them every day or when I can imagine that their physical chemitry and mine is in perfect sync.

That isn't to be Little Miss Gloomy pants, because net relationships do work, but just to say that approaching such relationships, as any relationship, realistically, is the best thing that you (or I, or anyone) can do.

Erin


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SolitaryTear
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Hi Erin, and thanks for your response! I have reviewed the possibilities of what may happen when we meet face-to-face. I have spoken with his mother and his father, even his brother. We both call each other our fiance and fiancee, because we know that we love each other and because we are as of now, but we have both agreed that it will not be an official engagement until after we have come in contact face-to-face. We have a mutual friend of ours who met her partner in a Big and Beautiful Women room on AOL and they knew each other for 2 months and they met, before hand she let him know every single detail about her body physically and her mind emotionally so that he wouldn't be surprised at imperfections. I have done the exact thing. He has basically SEEN every detail of my body and it doesn't affect the way he loves me one bit. I have been in an internet relationship before this and the guy whom I was with met me after 7 months of knowing each other and 1 month of being together, he turned out to be an insensitive, incompetent, imbecilic jerk and he raped me. He robbed me of my virginity. I didn't go so much in depth with the description of my physical appearance with this man, but he did know about me. I didn't feel the way about him as I do with this guy. He makes me feel like every move I make is precious. He does anything I ask him to do. To top it off, he has a disability called Cerebral Palsy(CP) and has achieved so much. The first guy I met from the internet had nothing, he didn't even have a GED or high school diploma. This man has 2 degrees in some computer field and has a high school diploma. He hasn't yet moved out of the same home with his mother or gotten himself a full-time job, but there where he lives, people are so judgemental and descriminating. He tries to get "normal" jobs but no one will hire him because of his speech and the fact that he can't stay standing or walking for a long period of time. He has tried to get jobs with the degrees he has but no luck there either. We still don't have everything for our future plans (i.e. moving in together, children, wedding, etc.) because we're going to hold off on any huge decisions until we actually meet in person. Thank you again, Erin.
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iNvOkE me1919
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I'm currently in an internet relationship, and it's wonderful. My boyfriend and I live about 2 hours away from each other, and talk on the phone almost every night. This weekend he has a soccer tourney so I'm gonna drive up to his home city and see him, and meet him for the first time in person.
He's kind of scared he'll be shy (why, I don't know, we've had phone sex everytime we talk on the phone, kinda crazy, but fun).
The only thing I'm worried about is, I'm an inch taller than him, and he's kind of scared about that too... I joke that I'll walk around barefoot and sit down a lot.

But back to your question, is my internet relationship working?

Yes, I've had 1 huge blow out fight with him, we ended up talking for 5 hours on the phone, we cried with each other, and had make up phone sex which was really heartfelt (if you can imagine). We also had another fight, but it quickly subsided... I talked to him last night and he said He was sorry for saying he didn't want me, because it was a lie, he does. Ohmigod, I could go on and on about how great I think he is, and how much I love him.
He talks about how he can see us getting married one day and having children (we're both 16, he's 3 1/2 months older than me), and the fact that if I get pregnant by him before we're married, that "he'd stay with me forever, or until I got tired of him, and kicked him out" (he said exactly that).
Sorry for going on and on... Looks like mine's going pretty good so far!

But it sounds like you and your BF are close also, just communicate a lot, and be sure he knows you care for him, and your eyes belong to him! Good luck!!


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Etch
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An internet relationship ended up really hurting me. I, like you, had been planning a lifetime commitment type thing with him. And we decided that really early in the relationship, like you did. He came to see me, he was different but i still loved him. Then he had to go back home for a while. He visited as often as he could for a long time even though he hates where i live.

When his mom died about two months ago i wanted to be there for him. To help and hold him through it all. But I couldnt because I wasnt there. All I could do is talk to him on the phone. The person who was there to help him is probably holding his hand right now saying how much she loves him, and he will answer back that he loves her too. He didnt tell me about her though. I heard it from his father.

He had always used to tell me that nothing could stop us from being together because true love beats all. But he has a new girlfriend. And he had one before her too. And that hurts. It hurts so bad because you never know what is really going on. It may not be another girlfriend but it could be anything.

He is comming for one last visit soon. He is leaving day after tomarrow. We need to work some things out in person. I dont know what i am going to do. Should i hug him? should i slap him? Or should i just invite him out for cofee. I dont know. You cant plan things ahead of time like that.


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Heather
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I feel I should add a few safety guidelines for all of you.

1) BEFORE you get too involved with someone online, ask them to scan a current photo ID and email it to you. Do NOT give them your home address to mail it to. Do such via email.

2) Get their real legal name, and do a police records check by calling the station in their town.

3) Do NOT meet anyone from the net in anything OTHER THAN a public place the first time, and preferably with someone you know with you. If you are a minor, talk to your parent about this before you even make plans.

Really, everyone is always sure they're the one something awful or just crummy won't happen to, but it happens fairly often. If you want an enlightening read on an internet relationship that turned out to be a truly horrid surprise (and not atypical), pick up Katie.com at your local bookstore, a very good personal account written by a young girl whose situation was a turning point for legal issues around net fraud.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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golden101
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Personally, i don't like datng online (that's just me). Just for the simple fact that you don't know if the person is telling the truth about age, sex, etc. But that's the way i feel about that subject.

But Solitary Tear, just becareful. Do what Miz Scarlet suggessted. We don't want anything happening to you

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*~*Golden*~*

*A person that asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes, a person who doesn't is a fool forever*


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blackbird
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ErinK and Heather are absolutely right, you never really know who you're dealing with. I've never gotten in a romantic internet relationship, but I have met some people who I thought because I felt close to them via email and the phone that we could be friends in reality. WRONG. Most of them that I have met, I didn't actually feel any chemistry with them in person and they felt the same way. Gumdrop Girl and my friend Viv are the only two people that I've met that I first met online that I really got along with in reality. I've ever worked on a website with one girl who when I met her, we didn't "click" despite how much we communicated before meeting in person. Over the years though, I've slowly decided that I'd rather meet people in reality to call them "friends" rather than meeting people online. Plus, some people can seem so compatible over the phone or email, but then when you meet them, they can be completely different, which is why I really don't put too much heart into my online relationships with people that I've never met. I care about them as friends, but I know that they could be something else in reality. Some of them I'm never going to meet either which is fine by me. I use the internet for many things, but to find friends or potential partners is not one of them.

I've found also that some people who spend every waking moment online for no other real purpose than to surf the web and talk to people seem to have some communication problems in reality. If you're like Heather and run a website, fine, but some people....I just can't figure out what their deal is. I suppose that they are free to do whatever they want in their free time, but I find that some people are so attached to their comptuers that they start losing a sense of reality. In my opinion, if your best friends are screenames on your computer, then it's time to go outside and rejoin society.

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"1970 called. Al Pacino wants his car back."

blackbird's blog


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SolitaryTear
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Well, we exchanged photos. My mom is going with me to meet him (at a bus station) and I have talked to all of his family. I am so worried that maybe he won't like me when he sees me and that he'll break my heart. Trust me, I'm not going to give him my heart completely until I have met him in person, THEN I will consider it a more serious relationship.

Sincerely,
Amanda

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~.*^*.aMaNDa.*^*.~
An Evanescent Beauty That Will Never Flee


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lilnerd
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quote:
Originally posted by SolitaryTear:
Trust me, I'm not going to give him my heart completely until I have met him in person, THEN I will consider it a more serious relationship.

Sweetie.. making him your FIANCE before meeting IRL is giving him a very big portion of you.

As Miz Scarlet has pointed out, you've got to first take safety precautions. Knowing someone online vs. Real Life is COMPLETELY different. Not to say that a lot of people don't act real online, but, there's still a huge element of mystery.

Why not wait and see how you feel about having a FRIENDSHIP with this guy in real life, before you jump into something else?!

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"I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal"
~Incubus


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blackbird
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yeah I can agree with wanting to be "friends" with someone before you actually meet them, but anything regarding romantic or sexual feelings towards someone you've never actually met I think is "jumping the gun".

I've heard a lot of relationships that were started via the internet and they all seemed to end up in a huge disaster. My dad's cousin started dating a lot of guys that she was meeting on the internet and usually they were rather far away. After all the money that she spent on trying to start a relationship in reality with those men, it wasn't worth it...they never seemed as sweet, kind, etc as they had seemed online and over the phone. The phone and the interet is a very easy way for someone to "hide" behind since they don't have to deal with the other person being right in front of them.

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"1970 called. Al Pacino wants his car back."

blackbird's blog


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ErinK
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Well, as a counterpoint, all three of my current relationships started as online relationships, and they're all going pretty well. I've been with my partner Allan for five and three quarter years, and we will probably marry sometime in the next two or three years if things do not change.

I also know plenty of relationships that started online that did evolve into real life ones. I also know some that did end up as disasters -- but I would say, based who I know, that it seems pretty equal to the ways that relationships in real life work -- some last, some don't, some are flaming disasters (which are always more interesting than success stories cause they have more gory details) and some are lifelong.

Erin


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KittenGoddess
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What everybody else has pointed out about internet relationships and the risks associated with them is definately stuff to consider. My current relationship started out as an internet relationship. We'd been talking for about 10 months before I even gave him my phone number, and it was a year and 4 months before we really met. We had decided to be "together" about 2 months before we actually saw each other for the first time, but even though we considered ourselves a "couple" we made sure that we both had a way out if the chemistry wasn't there. We discussed in depth the fact that if it just wasn't there, we could both walk away with no hard feelings.

Luckily, the chemistry was there, and things have worked out quite well. Next Tuesday will be 6 months that we've been together, and I'm very happy with our relationship (even if sometimes I do wish it didn't have to be an LDR). Internet relationships are like any other relationship, there are risks, and problems...and maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't.

~KittenGoddess

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"Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!"

"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together!"

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 08-01-2001).]


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SolitaryTear
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Today, me, my boyfriend, his mom, his dad, and my mom all talked about the arrangements for when he gets here. Tony's (the guy from the net) dad bought his round trip ticket to come down here! While on all of this, I suggested, since his mom mentioned she wanted me to come visit, that he could come down here first and if things work out, then I can come down there for Christmas! Everyone so far has gone for it! My mom is going to buy me a round trip Airline ticket to go see him during Christmas if all goes well when he comes down here. His mom and my mom still have to talk to make sure both parents are comfortable with it, but I already know it is. I'm so excited! See, I have taken all precautions I know to take!

What I meant by I'm not giving him my heart completely, I meant not that didn't love him, but that I wasn't going to get to the point as where if it didn't work out that I would attempt suicide. I have attempted suicide over 20 times, and it's not fun! I promised myself I wouldn't attempt suicide anymore, and I'm not going to let a bad relationship break that promise!

Sincerely,
Amanda

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~.*^*.aMaNDa.*^*.~
An Evanescent Beauty That Will Never Flee


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Etch
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I want to say that yes, you need to be cautious when you meet someone from the internet. But i dont understand why we need to make a background check on someone from the net but not someone we met at a concert, or at the coffee shop or whatever. ANYONE can be lying about their name, their past, and most other personal information just as easy in real life as they can on the internet. The only difference in meeting someone IRL is that you know immediately what they look like, and they could grab you and kill you RIGHT there if they wanted to.

No matter what you should never give someone you dont know very well, whether you met on the net or IRL, personal information about yourself like your adress.

It actually kind of upsets me when i see that people tell others to be cautious when it comes to net relationships but there is no word of caution for relationships that started in real life.

You are NEVER completely safe, and you can NEVER count on someone being completely honest. The net has just gotten a bad reputation because its a new and scary way to meet people.

[This message has been edited by Etch (edited 08-02-2001).]


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blackbird
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very true Etch. Although it's easy for people to fake about themselves over the internet. In terms of who you're dealing with, a guy was just arrested here about a year or so ago who had started an online relationship with a 15 year old girl. He flew to San Francisco to meet her, she picked him up at the airport and they went to a hotel in the city. This is obviously statutory rape. Also though, he claimed that he thought she was older (yes this happens in reality) but also he wouldn't have came out here if it wasn't for the internet.

In another case (oh..gotta love this city) a man was arrested at a hotel who was making himself sound very friendly online and asking to meet whomever his online friends were, yet he would bring sex toys with him to the meetings. Mostly the tip off was that most of the people he was meeting were underage people, but yet they all thought that he was a normal guy before meeting him. He was using the internet to disguise his actual intentions of what he was meeting people online for though.

Some people can lie in person, but a lot more other people have an easier time lying when they don't have to see someone face to face.

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"1970 called. Al Pacino wants his car back."

blackbird's blog


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Etch
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I am VERY VERY aware that it is easy to lie over the internet. And you give me some examples of people who were hurt because of the internet. But guess what, that could have happened whether the internet was there or not. The net was the mode for these men, but they could find it anywhere else.

The net is a den for pedophiles, some moved from the park to internet chat rooms. But there has always been the person out there looking for innocent children. There has always been rapists. There has always been liars. And there are millions more cases about those who do it in real life without the internet then ones comming from the internet.

Many of the people that come to this website recognize the bad press that teenage sex has. It is only looked at in a bad light. Well, in the media and most of the public so are internet relationships. Because if some go bad then they all go bad. Well, look at the relationships you see in real life. They go bad just as often or more often then internet ones. Internet relationships are taboo because they are new.

In my experience and the experience of those around me it has been more dangerous to meet people in real life then on the internet. The fact of the matter is you need to check out everyone you are in a relationship with, not just those you met on the internet.

And by the way, it is easy to lie about age in real life too. I know a man who was sent to jail because he was with a 14 year old girl who lied about her age. She had a fake ID made and everything just to fool him.


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SolitaryTear
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Great point, Etch! Seriously, my mom has been liking this dude at her job for a while because he tells her how beautiful she is all of the time. Well, he said he was 42, but this morning she found out that he was 39! See what I mean!? You can lie about everything anywhere... it's not just the internet!

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~.*^*.aMaNDa.*^*.~
An Evanescent Beauty That Will Never Flee


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Rasee
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Three stories. Bear with me.

1. I met Joeb in 1997, when I was sixteen, and I met him in a chatroom the first week that I was on the Internet. I knew nothing about online relationships, but was careful enough not to go around inviting trouble. Joeb lived on the other side of the planet from me and we had no idea how we would meet, but we talked every day and quickly defined our feelings for each other as "Love." Then I went back home (in another country), met my ex, and decided to go back to him. As much as I cared about Joeb, he wasn't real and it takes a very intense online relationship for you to choose it over something real. Joeb and I separated, he got married, and now has a son, Nathan. We agree that we did love each other at one point, but realized that it wasn't enough to bridge the distance. There are no regrets.

2. Last February I met Jay in the same chatroom, which I had abandoned for years. He also lived on the other side of the planet. I made many friends in that room, a couple of which I've known for over a year now. By then I knew the rules of the "game." I knew what to be careful for. I knew about the lies, the cons, and the precautions I had to take. By then one of my closest friends in the world was someone I had met online years ago. I wasn't careful with Jay though. He wanted me and I so readily convinced myself that I cared about him. He called me up and tried to convince me to have phone sex with him. I was hesitant because I wasn't entirely comfortable with the conversation. But I wanted the relationship to work. He said he would come visit me soon. People told me he was a notorious player in the room and many girls had been hurt by him. I refused to believe them. Then I found out the truth--he had been "wooing" another girl at the same time, having phone sex with her and promising to go see her. I dumped him like that. It didn't hurt. I had been cheated on before and I was too angry to feel much else.

3. May 2000. To this day I will stand by my word...that the person I met on the day I was leaving chat was my first true love. Everything about our relationship was realistic. He was 23, I was 20, and we'd both had our share of online and offline drama. We found happiness in each other and were fully aware of the distance and circumstances. We discussed possibilities, but we never pushed and we never imagined something that wasn't there. We said "I love you," but knew that the final step would come when we met. Unfortunately he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and I couldn't compete with a ghost. And we were 8,000 miles apart. We couldn't even touch each other. So it ended and it broke my heart, but I will always love him. What we had, regardless of medium, was good and loving and wonderful. I'll never forget that.

Point being:

Be realistic. Don't let love cloud your common sense. Never forget the fact that you haven't "met" this person--you haven't seen him smile, you've never tasted his tears, you've never whispered in his ear or danced with him or even felt his skin under your fingertips. Trust me...those things are important. You can't "know" someone just through this. You can't "know" someone fully if you've never been there to witness their spontaneous reactions, in a world where there is no "delete" or "backspace." There's a DIFFERENCE.

Until Miz Scarlet mentioned it, I didn't realize that the copies of an online friend's ID, EMT license, and driver's license meant much more than just silly pictures of him. It's comforting to know he actually "exists."

Just be careful. That's all.

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"Sometimes the hardest part of moving forward is never looking back."


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blackbird
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Rasee..that was very beautifully written.

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"1970 called. Al Pacino wants his car back."

blackbird's blog


Posts: 354 | From: san mateo, california, usa | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rainy
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Been there, done that. Never again. We got along great as long as we didn't have to deal with each other 24/7. Once we had to actually face each other we couldn't agree on what color the sky was. Shutting off the computer was like leaving for our lives. When we did meet,he didn't approve of any of my friends and tried turning me into an ultra religious person. I tried getting him to see the reasons I hung around with my friends of "alternative lifestyles"(their words, not mine). He can say anything he wants and so can you as long as you don't have to look each other in the eyeballs and explain why.
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ArielTheArtist
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I'm new to the boards as a poster, but have been reading for some time.
I see mostly negative endings to internet relationships, which is really sad considering I have one that is amazing.
I met Jason in a classical music chatroom about 2 years ago. We were both in relationships at the time, but they crumbled soon after. For another year we built an even stronger friendship. We got to know each other so well before anything romantic came into the picture. Both of us still aren't really sure how/why things progressed into more than a friendship.
It wasn't until last March that I met him in person. He lives in Penn. and I live in Arizona, so it wasn't exactly easy to get together sooner. I happened to be going to NYC for something else, and he drove there to see me. We met in the hotel lobby (a public place!) and I was with a friend as well as some adults. I had heard so many jokes about him turning out to be a 60 year old pedophile, but was convinced he was the 17 year old guy I've known for 2 years. We had exchanged many pictures, so I knew what he looked like. I also know a few of his offline friends, so things seemed pretty safe, and they were! He was exactly the same as he was online. The same sweet, loving, and romantic guy,and there was also a strong physical attraction. Needless to say, I was completely swept off my feet for that day. Leaving has to be the worst part of having a long distance relationship. Meeting made our relationship so much better and worthwhile.
He came in July and stayed with me at my house. We had a great time,and still haven't found anything we can't stand about each other
Now it's August, and he's heading to college soon, while I'll still be in high school. I think this is going to be a big strain on the relationship, but we have every intention of trying to make it work. I think we can do it,we've gone through so many other things.
Having an online and long distance relationship is only for certain people. You have to be able to take being pretty lonely from time to time (like those days when a hug would REALLY help) and not being able to see your partner. When Jason goes out with his friends, and I'm left here alone,it hurts sometimes.
The plus side to an online relationship:
You can have a lot of "me time" that you sometimes don't get when you have your partner hanging around. I focus a lot on school, my artwork and my music, not to mention how much I volunteer. It would be very hard to do all of this if Jason were around all the time. Sometimes it's nice to not have to worry about going out saturday night.I also don't have to worry about things like getting pregnant or STDs. I feel that online relaionships can be more rewarding mentally and emotionally than a physical one if you are both honest with each other and don't hide behind the phone or an online disguise.
My point: Online relationships can be great!
So, I wish you luck with your relationship. I hope it is as rewarding as mine has been.

-Ariel


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SolitaryTear
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Arial,

Having read your story, I am crying now. Out of all of those posts (I have read all of them), I find yours the most inspiring. You understand completely what is going on with me and how I feel. You gave me some really good facts to look at when I feel like I want to give up. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I couldn't express how much luck I wish you with words. One day, 5 years from now, I hope I come back and pull this thread up and see that you said that y'all are married and are living happily ever after and you know something else, I hope I also see my "happily ever after" story here too. Good luck and don't give up!

Sincerely,
Amanda

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~.*^*.aMaNDa.*^*.~
An Evanescent Beauty That Will Never Flee


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ArielTheArtist
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Amanda-
I am so glad that I could inspire you. When I started reading all the negative posts, I knew I had to post my positive story!

And to those of you who may think I don't know horrible some online relationships can be: I had 2 previous online relationships before Jason where I was lied to and hurt very badly. So I do know both sides of the picture. Jason has made up for all of those bad things that happened, and regained my trust in guys.

-Ariel

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"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."---Carl Sandburg.


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Astarte
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My current relationship started online.

We met over a year and a half ago, in January 2000, on a huge Internet message board where he was an administrator. He was sarcastically funny and very very intelligent, although he seemed a bit intimidating just because he was so articulate. I sent him an ICQ message one day, we started talking, and everything just... clicked. He gave me his phone number within 2 weeks, I called him using a calling card, we started talking every single day on the phone. (He's in California, an hour away from San Francisco, and I'm in Toronto, Canada.) We were the best of friends, we said we loved each other, but after a few months I started to feel smothered. It was my last year of high school (I'd moved to Canada with my family at the beginning of my senior year) and I was too embroiled in my life here... I loved him, but he almost seemedlike a fantasy person to me, not REALLY real. He was my biggest support, my best friend, but he seemed to be asking too much. So when I met someone locally (who turned out to be horrible and abusive, as some of you may remember from my postings here about a year ago), I unceremoniously dumped him for local-boy.

I regret so much that I put him through between June and December 2000. He was always the one who was there for me... I'd run to him when local-boy treated me horribly, and although it hurt him enormously, he was always there to support me and calm me down because, as he said, he promised me that he would always love me and be there for me. We both spiraled deeper and deeper into depression over those six months, me because of the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my boyfriend, him because of the abuse he was suffering at my hands; I would lash out at him because I knew he would still be there. I know it was wrong, and I knew it then, but I couldn't help it. I was deranged and on a downward spiral. I was suicidal and I was cutting myself every day, and so was he. But through it all, he was there for me. He was the one who called me and soothed me when I was sick from the morning-after pill and my boyfriend hung up on me because he "didn't feel like dealing with me". He was the one who, when I thought I was pregnant, actually offered to beg his father for money to go with me to get an abortion, because my boyfriend thought that an abortion was "something a woman should do on her own".

I broke up with local-boy in November, and went on a two-month spree of about 3 (protected!) random hookups... no sex, but other stuff. He was hurt by all of that, and in December we had a gigantic fight after which we swore never to speak to each other again. That lasted 2 weeks, during all of which I was out of town... by the time I got back, we were speaking again. We loved each other. We couldn't stay away from each other. In January, we got back "together" (although we both agreed that we wouldn't consider ourselves together until we met), and we'd both changed for the better. He was more independent and less clingy, and I felt less smothered; I took him less for granted, and I saw him as a real person, my best friend, my confidante, rather than a fantasy construct.

We met in person on July 15th, a year and a half after we started talking, in San Francisco by the water. We spent the next 2 weeks barely breaking physical contact. He was different than he was online and on the phone and in his pictures and videos, but only because he was a real, physical presence. When I had to leave for home, I barely cried, because I knew I would see him soon... and I will, because he's coming to visit me on Sept. 19 and staying for 20 days, and I'm going to California again over Christmas. We don't really talk marriage or children, because those are far in the future (we're only 19), but we know we love each other and we can't see breaking up anytime soon. So, my story has a happy ending... or should I say beginning?

We were very careful about the safety issues, though, for all of you who hope to have as good an experience as I did. Before we met, we'd both taken every safety precaution in the book. I had over 100 pictures, 4 videos, both phone numbers, I'd spoken to his sister and his dad (his parents are divorced and his dad has custody), even a scanned copy of his birth certificate... he had my home phone number, my dorm number when I moved into the dorm, over 100 pictures of me, a scanned copy of MY birth certificate. We met in a very public place (Chrissy Field, by the Golden Gate Bridge). I had to keep everything a secret from my family until after we met (I used to live in San Francisco, and a high school friend was interning there this summer, so I told my mom I was going to visit him), because they're not very open about stuff like this, especially since I come from money and am Jewish and he's half-Mexican, non-Jewish, and from a lower middle class family. But now they know, and they'll meet him when he comes up (he's staying with me in my own place, since I live on my own)... and even if they reject him for not sharing the same background or socioeconomic status, it's my life and I don't have to listen to them.

So be careful, and be cautious, and be kind like I wish I had... I still don't understand why he still loves me, even after everything, but I thank God every day that he does. And good luck.


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Qt4everNB
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hey..im in an internet relationship rite now..
Im with a guy..who is in my eyes perfect..
i mean hes wonderful...great sense of humor and all..not to mention hes hot..

I care about him alot..i can tell you rite now that i love him...

Some ppl say..o having an internet bf or gf means u cant get a real one here in the "real life"

It aint true at all...ive had bf's here where i live..I have grown up with guys who have one thing on thier minds..so it seems...

They look for looks not personality...My sweetie loves me not for looks but for personality..and i love him not only for his looks but personality..he makes me a better person inside...and im glad to be with him..more than glad..

Some ppl tell you watch out they might say they are blah blah blah yes its true..ya do still even tho u trust them have to have that thought in back of ur head that it could happen..Im glad to see ur relationship is goin great..im happy for you..as for me and my baby..wish to meet him soon..and of course with my parents around hehe..

Dont wanna get myself into any trouble..Me and my baby are so much in love..And im so freakin glad for the INTERNET! hahaha

just wanna say one more thing ..i love my baby!!!!!

Wat can i say im a fool..but a fool in love..hehehehe

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*~*~Jacky~*~*
8/7/01 luv u baby
It hurts when u say sumthing to someone and fail...but its worse when u want to say sumthing but dont when u could've succeeded

U ONLY HAVE 1 LIFE TO LIVE..SO LIVE IT WELL

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
everyone is special..dont let anyone tell u different!

[This message has been edited by Qt4everNB (edited 08-13-2001).]


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SolitaryTear
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Well, we changed plans due to the tragedies, and I will be going out to see him instead. I will arrive there on September 28th and I will leave on October 14th.


He plans on taking me to disney land y'all!!! I'm excited! I have something to ask as well, though, so I will take the question to it's proper position.
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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~.*^*.aMaNDa.*^*.~
An Evanescent Beauty That Will Never Flee

[This message has been edited by SolitaryTear (edited 09-19-2001).]

[This message has been edited by SolitaryTear (edited 09-20-2001).]


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Nocturnal Kitten
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I've bad both good and bad experence with online relationships. Out of the three though, the good outnumber the bad.

My first online boyfriend I met when he messaged me In Character while I was in a RPG chat room. We started talking out of character and it seemed like we had so much in common that we were meant to be together. Our pets names were the same, we were eating from the same place at the same time and even our birthdays were less than a day apart. It started out great at first, then slowly went downhill. He was always honest with me, but then that turned to critisisem and eventually it got to where he was ripping apart everything I did, said, was going to do and everything I was. When he said jump, he expected me to say "How high?" That ended later that year when I started drifting from him and he broke up with me because of it. I'm just now finally realising by talking about it and telling people some of the things he said to me that he was only abusing me emotionally.

My next online relationship was a guy I knew for as long as the first one. He was my best friend and he helped me a lot in getting over the first one. I had retreated back into a shell after the break up, but he helped me out of it, increased my confidence. I fell hard for him and it hurt hearing baout the girl he was with at the time. When that ended, I had my chance with him. We knew each other for almost a year before speaking on the phone and he called me almost every day. It was wonderful whiel it lasted, but, in the end, he dumped me for another girl me met online. We still remained good friends, even through hte time that she lived with him and we openly admit that we still love and care for each other.

Then there is Ryan, the guy I'm with now. I knew him longer than the other two, and it was the same with him about talking on hte phone. Things have been great with us. As I said in another post, there is a connection between us that I can't expalin and we plan on meeting early next year. We were supposed to next month, but those planes being hijacked made my family and I push our trip back. We can't wait to see each other and it gets really hard not being able to.

I agree with Arial. There are a lot of good and bad points to it and I think that, with the right person, it can be every bit as good as a real relationship. ::hugs:: Good luck.

------------------
It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then.


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Sh!mmeR!ng*staR
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i have had three girlfriends. two of them were on the internet.

the first Internet girlfriend was Kitba. she's a great girl, really intelligent and creative, but not so good as a girlfriend ^^; she cheated on me, and we broke up. when we got back together, it was too hard for me to trust her and she felt guilty, so we broke up for good. I guess it's better that way, and we stayed friends, so that's good.

the second one is Lins, who i'm still dating now. she's wonnnnnderful we've been together a month and 2 weeks, which is the longest i've ever dated anyone, lol. we haven't had cybersex yet, but that's perfectly okay with me as i'm willing to wait. we might meet at some point, but no plans are definite yet. also, we're polyamorous - she's dating another girl, Heather, unless they broke up. i'm not too sure as she doesn't talk about Heather with me much, knowing I get kind of jealous. but i only want what makes her happy, and i don't get THAT jealous, so the polyamory thing works out just fine.

i admit being in an internet relationship isn't as exciting (to me) as being in a "real life" relationship, but it's still fun. and i love Lins, hehe. that's all.

------------------
Prosperity that
the golden Muses
gave me was no
delusion: dead, I
won't be forgotten
-Sappho


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ou2mame
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I dunno...

I've met 4 girls over the internet, but I never met them with the intention of dating, or doing anything besides meeting and hanging out. I also did the whole meeting thing very wrong in all 4 cases, LOL

First girl I met online, she messaged me while I was playing a video game (what else to computer geeks do at 2am), and it closed it out right as I was about to snipe this guy that I had been hunting down for the past 15 minutes. So I started yelling at her, but we started talking, and then we started talking on the phone. She gave me her work number too, so I called there sometimes to see what was going on. Anyway, one night we're talking, and she was like "dude, we should just hang out, my ear's getting tired" so I said sure.. How about right now? it was around 3am, I wasn't even being serious, but she asked to meet me in a pace we both new, a mall parking lot that was behind her house. So we met at the at&t building, went to her house and hung out... Did so for a few months. She was really cool, but had some drug issues.. It didn't work out. I wish it did though, because she was very sweet, and had the most adorable eyes. She was just adorable in general.

Next girl I met, I drove out to her house.. She lived about 15 minutes away from me, and we went on a "double date" with her best friend and her boyfriend, played some pool. Didn't really talk all that much, me and her best friend were talking while her and her bestfriend's boyfriend played pool. Never called her again.

After that I met another girl... She was psychotic. We met around 11pm in a pizza place parking lot that we both knew of, even though it was closed. We fooled around in my truck for a while. She wasn't exactly the greatest to look at either, but I felt like I'd be too much of a jerk if I didn't at least give it a try. Hey, maybe I could look past it, not everyone is a model. Well, she was in love with me after hanging out for 3 nights, so I was like ok bye. Hung out with her again a year later, OK friend I guess. Not much else.

The next girl I met, I actually met during the day, lol. Went to her house, made out, eventually moved in, haha. Still dating her, though I moved back out because my dad had a double bypass.

In between these relationships I've had other girlfriends I didn't meet online, some lasted a week some lasted a year. The internet is like any other social interaction, only it takes less social skills to acheive the same trust from people. Simple as that.

The craziest thing in terms of dating that I've ever done was dial a wrong number 3 times in a row, talk to the girl all night, and hook up the next day. She was cool though, but only 4'7, LOL! She was cute though, my girlfriend makes fun of me because I fooled around with a midget.

Life's full of little experiences. But to "get engaged" to somebody you've never met. That really just screams insecurity. I don't think anyone has brought that up, but really, that's what it is. You're too insecure with yourself to find somebody near you, so you latch onto somebody who sounds like he has the same problem as you. That's not love, that's just leeching off of each other's emotional state. I'm not trying to be insulting, but know yourself, trust yourself, and be proud of yourself, before ever fooling with the word love. When you marry somebody, you should be ready to put everything into it... But hey, whatever makes you happy.

------------------
just when everything was making sense
you took away all my self-confidence
now all that I've been hearing must be true
I guess I'm not the only boy for you


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prospero's_daughter
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I'd just like to say good luck to you, SolitaryTear, and I hope it all works out well I fully understand all the safety concerns that the others have, and I'm sure you've been careful, especially as your mum (mom!) is going with you and you've spoken to his family and everything. I first spoke to my current boyfriend online, although I guess the situation was different, as he was a friend of a friend, and I knew that he really was who he said he was. Meeting in real life was even better than talking online; we still clicked and got along, and eventually fell in love. We're still together now, a year and 3 months later...I hope you are as happy as I am.
Even if it doesn't work as a romantic relationship, you can certainly make a true friend online..one of my closest friends met a guy on a chatroom. They started dating online for a while, and then eventually broke it off. She was hurt, but still agreed to meet him several months later (after taking all the necessary safety precautions, of course) and they are now best friends, their families have met and like each other, and although they don't see each other often, they are very close.
I wish you the best of luck

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Sallynha
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i figured i'd post in here because the subject is related to internet relationships... and i have a kind of a question, just seeking for opinions, and i'll try to keep this short

so imagine you met someone online, and you've talked regularly (like, almost every day) for a while now, and have gotten to truly know eachother (no worries about people pretending to be something they're not, because you have a friend in common who "introduced" you...) ... after a few months you get really close, and one of the parts starts thinking about their feelings, if they're all friendship or if they could be something more...

my question is now: if you think you might "like" that someone, or even if you're already sure of your feelings, when would you say was the best time to bring it up?

if i was asked that, i think i would say to try and meet in person before revealing any deeper feelings, because that way you can make sure the person is as you imagine, etc...

but on the other hand, sometimes meeting is just hard for a number of reasons, and you're dying to know if the other part is having the same thoughts you are...

so what is the right moment?

--the reason i'm asking, is because i've been thinking about it lately. because i'd met someone i knew i truly loved, and i told him what i felt before we met, knowing that my feelings weren't returned. eventually we did meet in person, but i was too nervous etc and it didn't go very well - first meetings for me never go well, i'm too shy . i also thought that he changed a bit after knowing how i felt, although he denied it, and i can imagine i could have gotten paranoid about things... but now i wonder if things had been different if i hadn't told him... (making a long story short...)

--so... any opinions? if you went through something like this, when did you decide to bring the subject?

thanks for any input

------------------
~Sallynha
me shell him

ICQ# 123898306


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Olive
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I started talking to this guy who lives in the same city as me about a week ago. He is very sweet and i believe everything he says because i know where and when he works and ive known his cousin. His birthday is today and he is 19 and i am 15. I brought him up to my mom yesterday and told her a little about him. He doesnt believe in sex unless your ready and it actually means something. He lost his virginity to a girl because she had to have it and it ruined their relationship. Im planning on meeting him very soon. We get along great online and we've seen pics of each other. We arent going to start a relationship online though we will have to meet in person to decide such a comittment.
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Smiley87
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Linda ---edited--- is 17 with a 23 year old boyfriend who she is engaged to-she met him over the internet-they look nothing alike are into different things, but their personalities connect. She knew him a lot longer online though-internet relationships are great because the person you're connecting with doesn't care about how you look, or what music you like-however there is the element of risk involved..

[Please respect the privacy of others and do not post their personal information. --ook.]

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 07-23-2002).]


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