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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Rejection

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Author Topic: Rejection
KevMezz
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I think must be getting better at dealing with this rejection stuff, again I got turned down (surprise surprise) but i don't feel as upset as i have done in the past i guess it's just that i have been rejected too many time now that i can't even be bothered to care about it (I guess that a good thing to some extent)

But i guess the real reason why i'm not as bothered is because this time i didn't get my hopes up. But as i'm sure you can understand i can't but think why do i keep getting rejected, a bit scary really

anyway better get back to my life another day is calling.


Posts: 118 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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I hate to council people to have low expectations for themselves, but I think you have hit on the right strategy in not getting your hopes up to much. I hope that she was not rude or dismissive about it, that really sucks. i remember a few incidences like that, and it was pretty humiliating and made me sort of sad. It doesn't do a lot for your self confidence or self esteem. But unfortunately, as a guy, you are the one who has to make the first move, to screw your courage up and make the first move, if you don't you are likely to never get a girlfriend. Its just the way the world is, its not really fair, but who ever said that life was fair. just keep trying but don't invest a lot in each try psychologically. Eventually you will succeed, if not today or tommorow, well maybe nest week or next month. If she didn't see your good qualities, well then maybe she wasn't good enough for you anyways.
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cypher
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I'm sorry to hear about that, but I did like reading the last line of your post. I'm glad this thing didn't get you down too much.

It's a hard thing to put yourself on the line and to be turned down. I've done it and I know what it's like. But don't go into asking someone out with the thought that they're going to turn you down. On the other hand, don't invest all your hopes and dreams on it either. Just go up, be self-confident, and if things work out: GREAT! If not, then something else for you will be just around the corner.

------------------
Smile, though your heart is breaking....

My crazy little universe....

"Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there....
With open arms and open eyes...."

-Incubus


Posts: 289 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nick
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this happened to me today my girlfriend dumped me but to be honest ive just let it go over my head i was angry at first but now am just ready to go out and meet new ppl! i think it may be a bit to quick but i dont care

ps i think someones slipped some happy powder into my coke!


Posts: 35 | From: England | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AngelElisheva
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quote:
Originally posted by John Doe:
But unfortunately, as a guy, you are the one who has to make the first move, to screw your courage up and make the first move, if you don't you are likely to never get a girlfriend.

I generally don't like the use of the words "has to" about anything,because nobody absolutely has to do anything, but I especially don't like it in this case. In my experience/lifetime, no one gender has ever been "required" to make the first move, although I guess that was the case in the past. What about homosexual relationships, for example? If lesbians, as women, could not initiate a relationship, where would they be? The whole guy-asks-the-girl-out business is just another age-old gender stereotype, imho. And besides, I have initiated all of my relationships but one, and there have been many; yes, guys do ask girls out, but girls also ask guys out. I know for a fact that I am not alone among women, and that many others make the first move as well. The anatomy of a person does not require that person to be the "asker" in all relationships, within or without of that person's own gender.

On the topic: KevMezz, I wouldn't worry too much about being rejected. Life, contrary to popular belief (well, at least around these here parts ), doesn't depend on having a significant other. Really, truly.

~Angel~

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Nobody knows what you know, nobody's seen what you've seen, nobody's lived what you've lived...so why let them judge you?
~Personal Quote~

You know, Hobbes, sometimes I think the surest sign of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
~Calvin~

IM: AngelElisheva (Oh, I'm so creative, aren't I *grin*)


Posts: 176 | From: Middle of Nowhere, PA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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Angel,
This is one of those areas where women "just don't get it" to use the phrase that became so popular durring th Hill-Thomas hearings. yes women have the option of being assertive in a heterosexual relationship, but men still have the expectation of being assertive, of making the first move, of putting themselves out there for possible rejection. Deep in his heart every guy knows this. Unless you look like Tom Cruise and your last name is Rockerfeller, guys know that standing around and waiting for a girl to make the first move will ensure a lifetime where your definition of cheating is using your left hand instead of your right.

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Beppie
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Oh John, PLEASE. Some few women may still hold to such outdated standards, but there are a lot of us who don't expect the guy to make a first move at all, unless he wants to, that is. And I know that I personally (and I'm pretty sure that most of the heterosexual/bisexual women I know would feel the same) do not see holding back because we assume that the guy will make the first move as an option. Usually when a girl holds back from making the first move it's for the same reason as a guy does- just nerves.

And Angel does have a very good point about the fact that such assumptions only apply to VERY traditional heterosexual relationships.

As for the main topic, Kev, I'm glad that you're not getting too down about these things now. But don't underestimate yourself either. There are plenty of people in the world, I'm sure, who would find you to be a fantastic person, whether in a romantic sense or not.


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ErinK
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I gotta say, just from reading the threads in this forum, that a lot of women have been and are posting here asking how to make the first move, how do they let a guy know that they fancy him and would like to be something more than friends.

In fact, if I was basing my opinion just on what i read here (which i am NOT) I would think "gee, women here seem more concerned with making the first move than men" -- because we don't see a lot of male posters here asking about how to let a lady know that she fancies them.

Erin


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John Doe
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Beppie, its clear that you just don't get it. Yes I am talking about hetrosexual relationships. Obviously in lesbian relationships one of the women must be the "forward" one.
Erin, why do these girls need the advice? How about just doing the obvious, ie calling the guy up and saying "how would you like to go out to dinner and the movies this saturday night?" Nobody will charge a woman with sexual harrassment if she is too persistant in doing so. But women are still afraid of seeming to be to forward if they do take the inititave. Now i applaude those women who do take the first step. However, guys know that they can not rely on indirect methods of finding a mate. If he goes to a bar with three of his friends, he will not expect a woman to come over and try to pick him up, or ask for his phone number. Any guy who expects to just dress nicely and go to bars like that is asking for a lifetime of celibacy.
Let me ask this of the guys here, how many of you have had a girl come over and pick up up? Has it happened more than once in your lifetime? has it ever happened to you twice in the same night? Have you ever had a serious relationship that started when a girl asked you out on a date. if so did she pick up the tab?

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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John, personally, I don't go out to bars and pick guys up because I really don't care to form relationships in that way with people that I barely know. And I don't expect any guy to pick me up in a bar either. Telling me that I "just don't get it" is extremely rude and downright insulting to my intelligence.

And the reason that girls ask this advice is because they are NERVOUS. Picking up the phone is easy in theory, not so easy in practice- and yes, I realise that it's like that for guys too. But Erin's point was that these boards prove that a lot of girls want to make the first move and are doing something about getting their confidence up. I don't know if you remember the way that many boys behave in high school, and what is Middle School in the US, but I sure remember being absolutely ridiculed when a crush of mine was revealed, and to this day there are few experiences in my memory more humiliating than what I put up with from that guy then. Still, is it any wonder that after this I might have been just a tad nervous about asking a guy out and making my interest known? And yet in spite of all of that I got over it, and I HAVE asked guys out. I have never sat back expecting a guy to ask me out instead. In fact, I think that the only guys who have asked me out in the past couple of years have been guys I rejected (kindly) because I wasn't interested- certainly you can't expect me to make the first move when I'm not interested in the person in the first place.

I don't deny that guys suffer from nerves too, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the guy if he really is too nervous to go up and ask a girl out- I completely empathise with him. I admire him if he DOES get up the courage, just as I admire a girl who gets up the courage. But I don't expect either gender to be the first one to do so. And you know what? We aren't living in the 1950s anymore, I'd be willing to bet that most girls here who are interested in heterosexual relationships agree with me.


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Heather
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I am not okay with any poster being told they "just don't get" something which is utterly subjjective. perhaps someone just "doesn't get" or hasn't experienced someone else's life experiences, but that goes both ways.

And flatly, to add to this, as someone with a very extensive dating history, and as someone who hears from singles and couples in the course of my work incessantly, there are no absolutes on this whatsoever, no matter how much one person may feel there has been in their personal life experience. These things vary incredibly from person to perrson, country to country, community to community and generation to generation.

So, please be courteous, and I do not expect to see a user tell another user or group that they "just don't get it." It isn't okay here.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
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I spicifically used that phrase, since for guys, that sort of rejection is the analog to the sexual harrasment complaints which are heard so often. Beppie, I admire your willingness to "make the first move". Yes I do remember what it was like in Jr. High and high school. that humiliation you felt, I can empithize with since I have been there too. And since you have felt that hurt and humiliation, I do in deed retract my statement about not getting it. My point is that the social expectation is that guys will have to live through that. Your experience has been shared with millions of guys. Is the hurt that you felt at that humiliation any less than the hurt of say crude comments or wolf whistles or the other things that constitute sexual harrassmennt (I will exclude from this power oriented sexual harrassment, ie sex for promotion type stuff). Now if society has indeed changed so radically since the dark ages of the 70's when i was going through that, that is absolutely wonderful. I don't see much evidence though that it is true. Yes, it is nerves that prevents girls from calling guys and asking them out, that and the fear of rejection and humiliation or making a fool out of yourself. Guys have been going through it for centuries, and still it is the overwhelming social expectaion that they will have to go through it. Guys though are taught from an early age to hide their feelings of hurt, humiliation and lonliness. the showing of any negative emotion with the exception of anger is just not allowed. This is enforced by parents, teachers, and indeed most severely by a boys male peers. A 10 year old girl who is crying will be treated with sympathy and be comforted, a 10 yo boy who is crying will be called a cry baby and have a hard time living it down. Not exactly great for the boy's self esteem.
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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