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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my friend is being an idiot, what do i tell her?

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Author Topic: my friend is being an idiot, what do i tell her?
Emerald
Neophyte
Member # 4498

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jane is my best friend and i care a lot about her. she's a great person. but she can't seem to stop a really unhealthy relationship she has with this guy billy. here's the basic story: billy goes out with jane. billy breaks up with jane, billy goes out with me. billy breaks up with me, he and jane are "friends with benefits," meaning they make out but don't tell anyone and are free to like other people. the problem is, jane doesn't like other people, she likes billy. a lot. billy is a whore and likes every girl he sees. billy goes out with some other girl, jane is crushed. billy breaks up with girl, he and jane are back to f.w.b.
this is incredibly bad for jane, she knows it, i know it, billy has to know it unless he's even more stupid than i think he is. but jane will not let go of him. obviously it's more complicated, but what can i tell her? please help!

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-sara


Posts: 7 | From: CA | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sallynha
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Member # 312

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First of all, good on you for being a good friend and caring about her

I would say maybe you should tell her your opinion on the kind of relationship she's having with Bill.

If she really likes him maybe she'd preffer to have a steady relationship, but since Billy's not up for that, maybe she settled with sharing him with other people - as long as she could have him herself too.

In my personal opinion that's not something I'd go for, but it's just another relationship pathern that can be done, as long as both parts are aware of what's happening and are extra careful when it comes to making out and/or having sex, because if he is sleeping around with other girls (and he might not be even using protection), he's more exposed to STD's, therefore she's at a higher risk.

Alert your friend to the fact that if what she wants is a stable relationship with someone, at the moment Billy is not the right person for her, and she shouldn't put up to with his "needs" just because she likes him. She must know that he's seing other girls and that she's not his only partner at the moment, and she should be able to accept it and everything that comes with it so they are in healthy relationship.

If she realises that's not what she'd like for herself, then if decides so, she should break up with him, just stay friends -if she wants to- but try to avoid anything more intimate.

Ask her if they're using enough protection (good latex condoms and even better if she's on the pill too so she doesn't get pregnant). If they're not, take your friend to do some STD's tests, and if she's not on the pill and not using any condoms or other forms of protection, get a couple of pregnancy tests and have her do one now.

To sum up, tell her what you think about the situation, ask her if she's comfortable with just a casual kind of relationship, and have her tested on STD's.

After that she can think of what she wants/need and if that's what she's having, and decide what to do from there.

If she needs other sort of advice/support or she'd like to talk about it with other people you can always introduce her to Scarleteen and we'll take care of her

In the meantime, good luck

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~Sallynha

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Posts: 390 | From: * my own little shell * | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Member # 2050

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Hey sweeto, I know you are probably really upset about this Billy thing but we really do not encourage calling people names at the boards. Just a little reminder.

Anyway, I think you really should sit your friend down and have a talk with her. Ask her what she wants out her relationship with Billy. Physical satisfaction? Or is she perhaps hoping that what they have might evolve into something more?

Tell her how you feel this relationship is extremely unhealthy for her and maybe it would be better if she took some time to herself to sort out what she wants. If she is totally comfortable with being friends with benefits with him, please make sure she is safe.

I think the best thing your friend can do now is to take some time for herself and cool this relationship down.

But you know what sweeto, we can only do so much. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and if after all that she persists in carrying on with her, there is really nothing much you can do. Just let her know you will always be there as a friend.

Good luck hon.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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Member # 3072

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You know, something that keeps nagging at my head through this whole affair is that a little of your credibility may have been lost when you dated him. Here is the problem as I see it. Even though you have a very valid concern, and it seems like Billy might end up hurting your friend, it is going to be difficult for you to put yourself in a position to tell your friend to get over him, because you dated him yourself. Basically, this sort of thing tends to look like sour grapes.

I am sure you have only the best intentions, and have a sincere desire to help your friend out, but you have to look at it from her point of view. Jane may be offended by this, especially since Billy left her for you for a little while before returning to her in a "friend-with-benefits" type of relationship. This puts you in the awkward position of having to defend your own decision to date Billy while simultaneously trying to change your friend's opinion.

I think it can be done, but I think you may need to think long and hard about it before diving in to help Jane. You'll need to make sure that your friend is clear that your attempt to help her has nothing to do with any feelings of jealousy or "sour grapes" that you may have for Billy. Good luck to ya!

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"Verdugo, Engine 14; you can cancel all units responding to this structure fire...this is just a dishwasher gone bad."

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Emerald
Neophyte
Member # 4498

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thanks so much for all the advice! i was kind of upset when i posted, so sorry about the name-calling i have told her about how unhealthy the relationship is and everything, and she has come out and said she is still hurt by the fact i went out with this guy (i really regret it now, obviously). i guess all i can do is hope she can make the right decisions. it just makes me so mad because jane has such low self-esteem mostly because of this, and has said things like "i'm too weak to stop" and "i don't deserve anything better than this." but i know there's only so much i can do...thank you again for the advice!

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-sara


Posts: 7 | From: CA | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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