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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Interracial Relationships

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Author Topic: Interracial Relationships
Heather
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This question was recently posted at Pink Slip:

Poster's name: In Love (Female, 16)
Date: Jun 9, 2000 at 6:54PM

Your site is the best and thatn you for all the great advice. Well, the question I have doesn't really have anything to do with sex, but I need help.

I am white and my boyfriend of 10 months is Asian.
To me, all my friends and a lot of people, it wouldn't matter. The problem are, as you probably would have guessed, my parents. They won't let me be with him, and are really nice about it, don't yell or anything, but very firm, and I can't change their mind. They told me he is a nice person, which he really is, the best, sweetest, most caring and responsible person I know, BUT we can only be friends, and I can't date him. Now, as I said, we have been together 10 months, and my parents think we are just friends. I get good grades, don't smoke, drink or do anything like that (neither does he!) and I feel really BAD for lying to my parents. But, I don't think the color should matter, and I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH, I have never felt like this before!

So, help me, Miz Scarlet, what to do, should I try talking to my parents, or what? Our relationship is great and I don't want to damage it in any way! Thanks!

***
What do YOU think?


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Devon Meshell
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My friend haas the ssame problem kind of.She is white and the boy she likes is black.when her mom found out she was pissed.I live in the projects and she did too untill her mom found out about the boy she liked then her mom made them move she ssaid it was best just because they haad black neighbors.I thinnk her mom should just except it it's her daaughter's life and there and even nothing wwrong with her dating him.That's one thing parent's don't uunderstand you can't stop teen's from doing what they want!!
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wear*a*smile!
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hmmm, this sounds like a VERY modern case of Romeo and Juliet. Your parents sound avery misunderstanding and they obviously seem very stubborn(mnot that ur parents r bad or anything). u NEED to tell ur parents the truth. this will just keep weighing u down if u don't. bring ur boyfriend too, for support. you two should explain that u two are in love and if race doesn't matter to u, it shouldn't matter to them, either. tell them that at the time u want to be together. Tell them how they're opinion matters to u, but these are your feelings. hopefully they'll understand. give them a chance to sleep on it. mayb e they r just looking out for u cuz they might not that interracial relationships are sometimes hard.i'm hlaf black and half white, and i had a boyfriend who was white, and his parents were just fine, my mom was fine with it too, but my dad threw a little fit. he thinks since his and my mom's marriage didn't work since they were different races, neither would my relationship. i told my father that this was my decision. i stayed with him and we lasted for about 5 months, with only about 2 fights, and those fights were normal fights, about who would pay money on dates and when he didn't call or something like that, not for race. so do what ur heart tell u to, its ur choice, not theirs.

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PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!!


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Mophead
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Damn, that's really gotta suck.
I'm Black, but I was raised mostly around White people, so the only kind of relationship I know is an interracial one. My parents don't know that I go out sometimes, but if they thought it was okay for me to date, then they wouldn't mind the interracial part. Nobody else that I know has had any kind of problem with it.

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Heather
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You know, some of this mystefies me too, Mop.

I grew up with a father who was a civil rights activist, and then on the north side of Chicago, where it is so integrated, that I literally, until high school, just didn't know anyone was really bigoted. QQuite frankly, it wasn't until I was in about sixth grade that I even fully understood that race and ethnic background was what made a difference in skin tones. I just thought I was terribly pale and that all my pigment had gotten confused, which is why I was covered in freckles instead of being the even brown I would have been had the freckles congregated in one place.

I shy away from Romeo and Juliet analogies, for reasons that may be obvious.

I think though, what is worth pointing out to people with the belief that they are very clearly "white" is that in all truth, there probably isn't a person alive right now (nor, perhaps, has there ever been) who, back to the cavemen, is completely European (I use that instead of American, because native americans are not caucasian, and too many people forget that caucasians did not dervice from the Americas). Most anthropologists agree that is you traced all of our bloodlines as far back as you could go, we probably share one greatgreatgreat (ad infinitum) granny in Africa. And that's just the start of it. I mean for instance, my family are European immigrants from Italy, Portugal and Ireland, and it's a well-known fact that the moors lived and intermixed in parts of Italy centuries ago, and the same with East Indians in Portugal (due to the tea trade).

The point is, we're all a very mixed lot from a million different places, and that's a lovely thing (and it contributes to our evolutionary health greatly), not something to be scared of.

I think too, if we really take a look at the effects of notions of racial purity or racial superiority, we can plainly see that is is terribly, horribly destructive.

What I'd say to In Love is that for now, perhaps the best thing to do IS to be friends. Friendship isn't different than romantic relationships, it, in fact, should be a very solid part of it. I agree, his race or nationality shouldn't matter, and I think it's very sad that it does to your folks. I really do. I expect better of adults. But I also think that a lot of the time, people's misconceptions of any group of people can be tempered by seeing individual realtionships over time. have him over to dinner often. Keep him around. Let them see how completely bigoted they're being. Put the responsibility to get over it back on them, because that's where it belongs.


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HotGrrl99
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It really depends on where you live. I live in an all White upper class area, and just about everybody here is totally prejudiced. I went out with a mulloto (half Black) boy once, and almost got killed by my 'rents... and people in the neighborhood were pissed off! Unfortunately, it seems that even today racism is all around us.
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Pink_Lemonade_03
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Have your parents met your boyfriend? If they know him and understand how much you care about him they should be able to overlook the fact that he is a different race than you or at least allow you to date him even if they aren't comfortable with it.
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Tharea1s1imsh8dy
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well my friends mom's boyfriend is black and she is white.But nobody cares about that except her parents.The race should not matter,but if u love that person that is what matters!
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Candy_Chica
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Everyone talks like parents would suddenly be tolerant after getting to know a person. I feel that like the first girl's parents, most parents with this initial prejudice are not easily converted to tolerance. I have had quite a few experiences where a guy's parents would know me, invite me over, encourage their sons to hang out with me, and yet, still wouldn't let me date them. What hurts the most is that all of these guys have been hispanic, and that's the way I was raised (my dad or his family isn't included), but because I'm half black, I've heard people have the audacity to tell me to my face what they think I am and am not, and even if I hold my beliefs firmly, it still hurts. Well, the point I'm trying to make is a lot of people who are emotionally and/or socially ignorant like to stay that way.
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Heather
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Chica,
I'd sadly have to agree with you. With many people, espcially those who are older, and pretty settled into their conceptions of the world and themselves, it's pretty highly ingrained.

I do think though, you can take baby steps simply by being willing to expose them a little -- to others or ideas that might not be so threatening. Having a friend is, to most parents, far less scary than a boyfriend.

Without giving the answer no one may want to hear, you do get to leave home at 18 (or earlier, depending on circumstances), and after that, your choices are your own. But that doesn't mean they have to agree and honor them. I had to deal with being a total outcast on my mother's side of the family for most of my life (still am in some respect) because of some life choices I made.


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Helpful27
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This is such a terrible shame. When I hear of such stories I don't know whether to cry or scream with rage.

As other's have said before, the older people get, the more ingrained their attitudes are. Sometimes parents do this out of the ill-conceived notion that they are protecting their child from the wrath of others that may react violently to interratial relationships.

Question for all: Are their any men out there (or people who know of men) who upset their folks by bringing home a woman of a different ethnic origin? What about religious background?

I'm guessing that parents are more worried about their daughters than sons when they are dating outside their religion or race.

I wish I had advice for people who have this problem. My folks would be thrilled if I simply found someone regardless of her background.


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HotGrrl99
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I don't think it makes much of a difference. A boy who lives down the street from me started dating a Hispanic girl, and his 'rents flipped out too! I've tried to talk to my parents about this, and all I get is the "he is not your kind" and "it's only going to lead to serious problems" stuff. If you people think that you have it bad, my parents have actually forbid me to go out with boys who are White like me, if they are not Jewish!!

[This message has been edited by HotGrrl99 (edited 29 June 2000).]


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deegurl143
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I am white and chinese mixed and am now dating a black guy. We've been dating for a year and a half. Through out this whole time I've had my mom down my back about him being black...because my sister and brother married black people. My mom's chinese heritage doesn't believe in that. Funny she married a white man, two to be exact. So I really understand this issue. As far as I'm concerned I love my boyfriend and I plan on marrying him...I guess she won't be at the wedding.
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whatever
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I have the same issue in my house...i'm white and my man is black. He's not even supose to call me b/c of his race. Its so unfair. He's SO sweet and every chance i get i spend w/ him but thats when i have to lie all about it. i hate doing that
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d1TzY8
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Unfortunately for my parents, they cant look past the color. Im sure if i dated an asian, it would be OK. But NOT african americans. My dad is the most racist person on this earth and it kills me. Since I have never dated an african american, and i probably never will, I NEVER think bad thoughts of them and start to stereotype, but Im personally not interested with them sexually or anything and I think it's because I never had the chance to experience.

When I become a parent, I am sooo looking past the skin, because love is COLOR BLIND!
If my son or daughter wants to date a freaking purple person eater..by god..let them!!

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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WildChica
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Right on Ditzy! Long live the Purple People Eaters!
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Gumdrop Girl
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I'm an Asian woman and I've been dating a white man for the past four months. Recently, I discussed this matter with my mother. I was raised in a strict, stereotypical Asian-american household, so only now have I begun dating. She said that I needn't fear her disapproval on the basis of race, that it's okay for me to date a white man. Odd what she continued to say, though. She told me that it would be wrong to date a Mexican (reffering pan-ethnically to all Latinos) or a black man. I could not believe what I was hearing. I still don't know what to think, or how to deal with such warped logic.

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i think you're special ... and i don't mean that in a short bus kind of way


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deegurl143
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You know I only date black guys...I did date a few white guys and it didn't seem to work out for me. My relationship with black guys are longer lasting. Despite all that I just said, I don't see color. I see personality. I'm not going to lie a black guy will catch my attention faster then any other race, but it doesn't stop there. I look for more on the inside.

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~*Goddess of love and beauty*~


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Mophead
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Deegurl, that's perfectly understandable. Although I'm not restricted in my choice of a partner because of race, most people have a certain preference. Just like how people like different breast sizes, or different eye colors, people like different features that are found in different races.

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MASTURBATING IS NOT A CRIME


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Astarte
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I have that issue, SORT of. I'm Jewish, and my boyfriend is French Canadian. Although we're both white, we come from VERY different backgrounds. My mom thinks Laurent is racist and anti-Semitic and pigheaded because of his heritage, and his family thinks mine is money-grubbing and involved in a huge Zionist conspiracy because we're Jewish.

As far as I'm concerned, though, my mom is being just as racist as she claims he is.

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--Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.--


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LADY JUVENILE
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I'M A BLACK FEMALE AND I DATE OUT MY RACE BC I THINK OF IT AS I ONLY LOOK ON THE INSIDE NOT THE OUTSIDE EVEN IF THEY ARE UNATTRACTIVE THEY CAN BE THE MOST SWEETEST PERSON ON THE EARTH SO IF THEY REALLY LOVE THEM THEN I THINK IT OK FOR PEOPLE TO DATE OUT THERE RACE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON( EVEN IF IT IS YOUR PARENTS) BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CHOOSE WHO YOU REALLY LOVE OR CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE
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Heather
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quote:
Originally posted by Astarte:
involved in a huge Zionist conspiracy because we're Jewish.

I hear those Zionist conspiracies are downright epidemic anymore. I know I sure have a hard time sleeping at night.

You know, when we did an article on Kosher Sex here a while beck, we actually got a letter from a right-wing conservative who had said that now that he found out we are all Jewish ( which we all aren't, but some people don't understand how proffessional writing works, nor that a group of people who aren't all Jewish might still be intersted in publishing work on another tradition) it made sense that we do such sinful awful work for a living as this.

Hanne and I had more than a few giggles over it.

And Juvenile, well put. You might want to drop your caps, though, hon, as online that is interpreted as yelling, and it makes it hard to see your beautiful points in all the big letters.


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beanies
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quote:
Originally posted by Gumdrop Girl:
I was raised in a strict, stereotypical Asian-american household, so only now have I begun dating. She said that I needn't fear her disapproval on the basis of race, that it's okay for me to date a white man. Odd what she continued to say, though. She told me that it would be wrong to date a Mexican (reffering pan-ethnically to all Latinos) or a black man. I could not believe what I was hearing. I still don't know what to think, or how to deal with such warped logic.


DITTO. But, hey, at least you got the OK for white guys. You wanna hear warped logic? Ok, here comes my story.

Some of you might have read my posts about my relationship, but i'll reiterate, and add the sad story to it. I'm asian, almost twenty, and my partner is Indian. We've been going out for almost two years, one of those years being long distance, but we're close as ever and love each other to death. We have two problems: race and religion. He's Muslim and I'm Buddhist -- yea, pretty crazy. But WE are willing to work through these problems. Our parents, however, are not. I'll just talk about mine because actually his parents said they'd be willing to accept other races, but only AFTER college. SO i guess the real problem lies on my side.

Before we started going out, we were the best of friends. I told my mom about how great of a guy he was, and when she asked who my closest guy friend was, I said him, and she didn't object at all. She even commented, half kidding, "Aw man, but that means you'll have to drive all the way to his house a lot! what a hassle!" (he lives about 20 minutes from me) Before we started going out, I asked my parents about dating, and if they'd put any restriction on me, specifically race. Surprisingly and to my delight, my mom said, "Well of course we'd prefer Chinese. BUt i'm sure you're old enough to make the right decision." Sounds like she trusts me right?

When we started dating, I wasn't sure how to break it to my parents, so i constantly dropped hints without outright saying anything, such as "I went out to the movies with him. Yes, alone, just the two of us." and "He paid for my dinner today at a fancy restaurant!" I even asked, "You don't mind me going places alone with him do you?" At first my mom told me it was ok, as long as i didn't do it too much. But as i kept telling her where I was going, she finally laid it out. SHe said NO, i'm NOT allowed to have him as a boyfriend.

I reminded her of her words, aboutt trusting me, but she denied everything. She began to get really suspicious and whenever I went out she'd make sure he wans't there. I was forbidden to see him. So we had to revert to sneaking around. IT was really hard, but we did that... and our whole relatoinship basically has been like that. We coudln't talk on the phone when my parnets were home, i coudln't really even im him online much, because my parnets would come over to check who i was talking to. I think a lot of couples would have broken up with such straing, but somehow we've managed to stick it out.

When i went to college, I thought things would be better. I thought maybe they'd let it go, realize i was an adult and let me do what i wanted. But it only got worse. We managed to get through my first year of college with no glitches, but as soon as i came home, my parents were on me again. And this time, when they found out we were still together, they exploded. They threatened to disown me and discontinue my tuition if they ever caught me with him again. And you know they're reasoning? because they just KNOW it's not going to work. I'm asking for trouble, I'm ruining my life, etc etc. I understand it's their duty to protect me and such, but i think a warning should be sufficient. THey should let me decide, after i hear everything they have to say. To chain me like this... i cried for weeks. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't bear to breka up with him, but what other choice did i have?

My mom's final word about this was: you are NOT allowed to marry or date anyone other than asian because it just won't work and we will NEVER accept him. If you do, and you know we can't really stop you, then you are out of this family and on your own. Do you hear me?

SO.... here i am with the love of my life on one side, my family on the other. I hope that none of you will ever have to go through this pain, because it is the worst. I can deal with the public mocking us, friends (although they never do)... I can deal with with WORLD turning against us. BUt i cannot deal with my own family acting like this.

I just wanted to share this story... I guess to tell those who ARE in my situation (altho seriously i have never met anyone in a situation as drastic as mine...) that they are not alone, and for those whose parents are still willing to listen and not THAT adamant about it... that it could be worse! What my boyfriend and i decided to do (very very painstakingly) was to date other people in college. He's going to a college clear across the country, but we were willing to work out the long distance. Now i don't know what will happen. I think if we were meant to be, we won't find anyone better for each other and I will ultimately show my parnets that i tried to date around, but my heart remains with him. Neither of us want to do this dating thing; we want to stay together forever. We've talked marriage, future... but with my parents like this, we figured it was the best way. I tried all those things you guys have been talking about... telling them how we will work things out, how right we are for each other, how our american life styles have eroded a lot of strict cultural standards that may KILL us, as they say. But as for now, my parents will not listen to a WORD i say (literally) so this is all i can think of to do.

Now before we went out, my mom really liked him. SHe thought he was great (still does, as a person) and never had a problem with me hanging out with him. HE's met my mom too, and she's been nice to him. However, once the relationship became serious, she freaked out, and this is the consequence. Sorry i've rambled so much. I wish all of you the best of luck with your situations, and pray that one day this world will be without racial barriers.


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HotGrrl99
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ASTARTE... WOW, can I identify with you!! I'm Jewish, and my parents are always trying to come off like they are sooo liberal and pro minorities and stuff. But we live in an exclusive all White area, and when a minority family was thinking of moving in, they almost flipped out!! They won't let me even date White guys who are not Jewish, forget about Latin or Black guys!! They think the world is prejudiced against them, yet they are far more prejudiced than anyone else that I have ever known!!
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Gumdrop Girl
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beanies: i'm so sorry things worked out that way for you!

my boyfriend got the hint that my parents don't like him, which may or may not be true. but it really ISN'T because he's white (it's because my friends are marrying off at an alarming rate and they don't want me to be next -- i won't be so they have nothing to worry about!).

nonetheless, i try to convince him otherwise, but how do i say, "honey, it's not that you're white, it's just that they don't want me to get married right now," without sounding like i wanted that sort of commitment anyway!

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i think you're special ... and i don't mean that in a short bus kind of way


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JJRambones
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I find nothing wrong with interracial relationships. I am Portuguese/American (grandpa was born in Portugal) and I have dated white girls. I don't know why, but i'm not as attracted to black girls and girls of other races than I am to white girls. Believe me, ethnic girls ARE sometimes attractive to me, but not as attractive as white girls. I don't know why. But my parents don't care who I date. But I can't believe that so many people are still against interracial relationships. It's pretty sad. But nothing against those who have those beliefs and whatknot.

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**Run your life wisely... don't make stupid mistakes.**


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-Dust-
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interracial relationships have always been pretty touchy for me, and i really dont know why. i'm "mixed" myself and have gone out with both white and black guys. i really dont see any diffrence between any of them (okay, besides the way some of 'em talked, and their music and dress). my mom or doesn't really like me dating guys anyway. they dont care about the race of the guy i date. and about white people not having complete european ancestry is completely right. my sister, for instance, could easily pass for "white". she has really stragly naturally blond hair and blue eyes. nobody would ever think that she had african blood in her. so there may be a lot of white people out there who have more than white in them but they either dont know it, or they're denying it.
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hotchick
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Racism is one of the saddest problems I can think of in this world. It all really begins at birth. No one is born prejudice. Our parents have the greatest influence at first. I myself am not racist, I think its a forever sad and frustrating issue.

About interracial relationships, I have no problem with it. And I would like people to think of me as more then a white person. I am an American. I am half Italian and a fourth Japanese, and I like my heritage. White is nothing but a color. Its a shallow term and it doesn't mean anything to me. If everyone looked the same, was of the same race in the world, it would sure be a boring world.


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Alexial_L
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Member # 45663

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I realize this conversation stopped at the year 2000, when I was still in primary... but it's heart-breaking to hear about parents being disapproving of inter-racial relationships.

Both my relationships have been with white guys and I'm Chinese. I'm very lucky to have an open-minded mother. She's never had a problem with guys from different races.

I know another couple who've gone through so much turbulence with their parents. He's Indian and she's Chinese. They've known each other since high school and are great together... but there's just so much strain on the parent's side. Much like you, beanie. I do hope things have worked out for the both of you by the way...

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kaleyedoscope
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I am also in an interracial relationship. And it also happens to be that my boyfriend is Asian and I am white. It gets a bit more complicated with that we're in an international long distance relationship due to college. However, I think that if they really have something they should carry on and hopefully her parents will come around. My parents are supportive of my relationship although my dad is adamant on us sleeping in different rooms when he comes to visit this summer (more of a traditional than a racial thing). The race thing really isn't an issue. I think the only issue could be them not understanding certain cultural differences. I think I am nervous about that.
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