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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My girlfriend's not a virgin anymore, it bothers me so much because i'm conservative

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Author Topic: My girlfriend's not a virgin anymore, it bothers me so much because i'm conservative
moon_boy3-17
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Help!! My relationship with my girlfriend is suffering because of this "virginity" thing that always stick up to my mind, & it bothers me so much!!! i want to be the 1st one to do it on her!! Is there any solutions? i can't accept it...

Posts: 1 | From: philippines | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
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Well, if you can't accept that your girlfriend has a sexual history, then maybe you shouldn't be dating her.

Sorry to be blunt, but if being someone's "first time" matters that much to you, then maybe you aren't the right boy for her. Perhaps she deserves someone who respects the choices she's made in her life and loves her for who she is right now.

Learn to accept who she is, or let her go. Your choice.

And I'm going to move this to relationships, because I think it will fit better over there.

Erin

[This message has been edited by ErinK (edited 06-01-2001).]


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Lisa D
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Ditto to what ErinK said.

If you have a big problem with the fact that your girlfriend had a life previous to you, then you probably shouldn't be dating her. Truth be told, just because she might have had sex before doesn't mean it will be any less special for her with you. Every relationship is different, and you can't compare them. Like Apples and Oranges.


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Gumdrop Girl
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if i may put a different spin on this thread...

i have only had intercourse with one person. and i thought that the fact that i was his "second" wouldn't bother me. i figured they broke up long ago and now i'm the only woman in his life. that should be enough.

well, rationality aside, the fact that i'm not the only woman he's been with has caused me way too many sleepless nights. my ego is battered with thoughts of wondering whether she was better than me?, was she more attractive?, did he love her more than me? and most of all, whether anything i have done has meant anything to him at all.

i feel like wretching now.

this is something that takes a lot of acceptance. i care about him enough to try to look past this issue (but let me tell you, it is very very difficult!) there will be things i will never know for sure. yes, i wish i could have been there for him first, but i wasn't. you can't rewrite history.

anyway, hang in there, and have the strength no to turn into a neurotic like me.

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i use angst


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Heather
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It may help to get a little distance and realize that for the most part, this sort of worry or freak-out will become a total non-issue very shortly.

In other words, when you're dating in your 20's, 30's, 40's and upwards, MOST people have had previous sexual and relationship experience.

And frankly, if that bothers you, you may want to look at why:: what are you assuming that experience does to a person that would make them unappealing? Why do their personal choices have anything to do with your personal morality?

And what are you going to do if you have these sorts of notions in your 30's, besides go cruising nunneries for dates?

If it's any connsolation, I should also add that for many people, first-time intercourse is terribly forgettable. Really, whatever importance one puts on ANY sexual relationship isn't intrinsic to the sex, it is intrinsic to what it means to you and your partner.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-01-2001).]


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ErinK
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I guess for me, there will always be something to worry about in a relationship with a partner. Maybe it's "am I good enough for this person?" instead of just "am I good enough sexually for this person?"

I mean, I'm in sexual relationships with two partners at the moment, and in a relationship that used to be sexual with another person.

And if my partners were desperately concerned with whether or not I was comparing them to the other partner or whether I thought one of them was better, the relationship just plain wouldn't work. And if I did the same with them when they pursued romantic relationships, it would get very ugly.

So, despite my insecurities about whether I'm good enough, I've been forced to realize that since they have free will, and they're freely spending their time with me, and loving me, that must mean that I'm good enough. And it took a lot of work to get to that point, but I think it is possible to convince yourself that the other person is not mentally comparing you to a former lover, that they do love you, and that they do want to be with you.

Erin


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Bobolink
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When you find yourself single at 30 as I did, you quickly discover that not only do almost all of the interesting available women come with a sexual past equal to yours but they often come with children. It makes you examine your values to discover what is really important to you in a relationship.

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The most exciting phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" ("I found it!") but rather "Hmmm... that's funny...."

- Isaac Asimov


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starrykiss
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When in the future I have sex I want it to be that person's and my first time. I really don't know if that just sounded stuck up but it's the way i feel At least right now.
Moon_boy3-17 I just thought i tell you your not alone and if you really love this girl then you must love her for who she is and there is nothing you can do to change that.

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starrykiss*


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Laughs_Wisely
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My girlfriend is not a virgin. She's had two partners in her life (1 guy, and 1 me). I am...er...naturally competitive...so I guess I represent the opposite of y'all. I do my level best to make sure both of us have a great time every time we get together, and my gal continues to pad my ego with each 'tryst' (I frequently hear "Where'd you get that idea?" and "_____ never did that...wow..."). I have only felt inadequate once, and that was the day I just couldn't do anything right.

Credit can be duly given to Scarleteen for arousing my creativity...

And now, off of the bragging. I think what you're saying here, moon, is that you're having moral issues with her 'lack of virtue'. You need to think about why that is, and see if you can get around it. If not, seriously consider the advice you've gotten from others on this board...

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Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
( Tr. "I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head." )


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lilnerd
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Everyone is right. There's no solution for the way you're feeling except for acceptance or moving on from the relationship.... Your girlfriend can't take back her sexual history nor should she necessarily regret it. Some people like the idea of being each other's "firsts" but sex is a natural, human instinct, and today, a lot of teenagers are having sex earlier than you'd think. But I'm sure you know your girl isn't the first to have sex before you... I'm sure you'll meet many more. Well, I'm rambling now...

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"nothing's quite the same now - I just say your name now - but it's not so bad - you're only the best I ever had"


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Lucky1402
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I agree that you should either figure out a way to accept her as she is, or move on to somebody who shares your beliefs who might be more right for you. But, I don't think that there's anything wrong with the fact that you're concerned about that. Like we've all said before, everyone has their own morals and beliefs and their own requirements for a relationship. If the fact that she has had sex with someone before you bothers you, then that's just what you believe, and that's perfectly fine. Your requirements in a relationship may not be how everyone else feels, but hey, there's nothing wrong with that.

In my opinion there is really no reason to change how you feel about that. If "virginity" is something that is important to you when getting into a relationship, then you should either decide to look past your girlfriend's past and accept her choices, or move on and find another girl who shares your beliefs.

Just remember, just because she has had sex before getting into a relationship with you doesn't mean that she's any less of a wonderful person. If you love her, then you should strongly think before you make a decision.

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*^Lucky^*
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dynamdrew
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Hi there! I had the same hang ups as MOON BOY. MOONY, you should just relish the fact that her first time was not all that good and special or she would still be with him. Be lucky that it did not work out with her first time because if it had, you would not be in the picture.
I too was raised to believe that I should wait to marriage, and I am still doing pretty good That's right, I am a 22 year old virgin. I had a few opportunities to change that but I could not do it, especially with people younger than me. I felt as though I would corrupting her and stunting her emotional growth. They need that special time during middle and high school to grow and learn about themselves and who they are. I could never live with myself for doing so.
Maybe you should ask yourself what the purpose of sex is to you (and you alone). Maybe you could even ask your girlfriend. If she says the purpose of sex is pleasure then you are in luck! You can prove to her otherwise. The two of you can have a real first time that expands far beyond the physical.
I will let you in on a little secret. If someone says that the purpose of sex is pleasure, that reduces us as human beings to that of animals. Figure out what your morals are and stick to them, for we each are responsible for our own morality.

Drew
-- edited -- (Please, per the user guidelines, do not enclose an email address here.)

P.S. You may be asking what qualifies me to give such counsel. My only qualification is that of taking the same course of action myself and it worked really well for me. Ultimately I had to ask myself whether this sexist and barbaric issue was worth losing the girl of my dreams. Finally think about it like this: it is not your conservatism that you are sleeping with

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-06-2001).]


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Heather
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I have to be honest: the best sex in the world does not a lasting or perfect relationship make. Nor might someone even want to stay with their favorite sex partner, nor does any one sexual episode equal perfection outside a moment.

So, unless one simply wishes to be dishonest with oneself, someone being with a new partner doesn't mean the sex with the old was unsavory, awful or dissatisfying. It simply means just that: that for any number of reasons, that person is with a new partner. Unless the relationship was purely sexual, it's safe to assume that a breakup was likely also based on more than sex.

And per usual, let's knock it off with the moral value judgements, eh? No one goes on saying that for a person to enjoy the pure sense pleasure of a fine meal, a good workout session, or a lovely spring day, they are being uncivilized, anamalistic or morally bankrupt. Sex can be about many, many things, and pleasure is often one of them. What that means to you is just that -- it is not absolute, nor is it "immoral" or outside ethics, because all of us have our own set. Morality is not arbitrary, but subjective.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-06-2001).]


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Bobolink
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Thinking about this, only humans and dophins are known to have sex for pleasure. Therefore it can't be considered animalistic. Most animals have sex to procreate and only to procreate. Few animals are even interested in sex until the female goes into heat and the male is aroused by her pheremones. Most animals have a "mating season" when this happens to all females more or less simultaneously within the species.

So it would seem that humans have the intelligence to have sex for aesthetic as well as procreative reasons.

Perhaps sex for pleasure is one of the traits that make us "human".

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We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein


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dynamdrew
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Miz Scarlet, I never said that sex with a previous partner would be unsavory or unpleasent. I was simply saying that he should be lucky she is with him and that is all. If her previous partner was truly worth it she would still be with that partner.
Pleasure seeking is animalistic according to Kant. We as humans have intellect and should seek more than mere pleasure. I am still evaluating what the purpose of sex is to me and until I do I will not be having any. I am actually to the point that I am not sure if it has any purpose! We can reproduce artificially nowadays and throught masturbation we can take care of the pleasure seeking. I think that most people do it because they are bored and empty and lack and real goals.

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dynamdrew
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Miz Scarlet, one more thing... There are very distinct differences between eating a fine meal, exercising, and sex. They each provide a different kind of pleasure. You do not get orgasims from eating a fine meal, do you? I didn't think so.
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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by dynamdrew:
I am still evaluating what the purpose of sex is to me and until I do I will not be having any...<snip>...I think that most people do it because they are bored and empty and lack real goals.

Dynamdrew, therein lies the problem with your statement. You are evaluating what the purpose of sex is to you, and so you are holding off on engaging in sexual activity until you have figured it out. Well some people have figured out what sex means to them, and they should not be condemned or judged for their decisions. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who find themselves ready for sex, do it, and have no regrets. It is an individual choice that varies by that individual. As a result, it is both impossible and rude for a person to make some kind of external judgement upon someone else's decision.

As for the second half of your statement, you've made another impossible judgement call. It is impossible for any of us to know the deep internal motives for anybody else's actions, so while your belief may be true in your case, I wouldn't make that assumption and try to attach it to everyone around you. A close friend I have who recently chose to engage in sexual relations, told me that he did so because he felt completely ready to share that experience with the person he loved. And as a fellow police officer, he is neither bored nor empty, and has very real goals.

Making a point is one thing. Making a moral judgement call about someone else's decision is downright rude, and is frowned upon here at Scarleteen.

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Heather
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Dan summed up the important stuff nicely, and I do hope you heed that at this point.

I should also add that Kant was a philosopher, not a sexologist or a biologist. And from what we know about human sexual response, it is entirely possible to, in fact, experience orgasm or sexual pleasure from eating a fine meal. It is possible to orgasm from many forms of stimuli, many of which need not involve the genitals nor a partner at all. Those of us who have done extensive bodywork and have longstanding sexual histories have often experienced orgasm and arousal from numerous stimuli which are not genitally-based, nor mainstream in terms of what many people assume is sexual by default.

Other groups of people with valuable input in that arena are those with genital dysfunction, paraplegics, or those with other disabilities, plenty of whom have discovered that orgasm is indeed, not necessarily based in prototypical areas of stimulus or means of stimulus.

And no, the differences between those types of pleasure are not entirely distinct when it comes down to basic physiology. They are in fact, often keenly related, chemically, physically and emotionally.

I'd suggest with some of the statements you're making that perhaps you take the time to research them properly, especially if you've opted for no direct personal experience.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-07-2001).]


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PrettyNpink1013
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Laughs_Wisely:
That is not the literal meaning of that latin!
Ok that's all I have to say about that.
Moon: If you have a big issue with sexual history, maybe you should consider how important this is to you. Because if it is worth losing your girlfriend over, and it is that crucial, then you should both part your separate ways.

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