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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » cheer me up

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Author Topic: cheer me up
somewhatanonymous
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My friend doesn't orgasm when we have sex. Not that I've had sex with very many people, but I've never had this problem before. Even though she assures me that it's not my fault, as she's only ever orgasmed once while with someone else, I can't help but feel inadequate. I've done everything that I can and I've pretty much decided that it's hopeless.

And now everyone's going to chew me out about the whole 'orgasm and sex' thing and give me completely useless advice and encouragement like "If you really like eachother it doesn't matter". Oh well, I asked for it. However, if someone does happen to have something new and profound to contribute I would be most grateful.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bobolink
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While we cannot say anything about technique we can encourage you to communicate with your partner. Talk to her before and during sex. Ask her what she likes. Ask her if she likes what your doing. Ask her if she would like something different.

The point is since we are not your girlfriend, we cannot know what she likes. Everyone is different and each time is different. Just remember that few women orgasm from penis in vagina contact alone.

Nobody is going to "chew you out". Sex is a journey of discovery and you will be learning all your life.

------------------
The most exciting phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" ("I found it!") but rather "Hmmm... that's funny...."

- Isaac Asimov


Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Whoa somewhat anonymous, I do not appreciate your tone here and I do not appreciate being told that the advocates and sexperts who are working their butts off, giving the best advice they can here are giving you "completely useless advice".

I would suggest you read through the Guidelines you agreed to upon registration.

quote:
When posting, you are expected to be respectful of your fellow posters and our staff, and to use language which is the least likely to offend anyone, and which encourages intelligent, safe and mature discussion of the issues at hand

As Bobo said, we are unable and will not provide you with technique because not only is this a PG-13 site, everybody is different and what works for one person does not work for the other.

Experimentation and communication is the key to a satisfying sex life and you might not want to hear this but orgasms do not equal good sex. I have enjoyed myself tremendously during sexual activity even though I have never orgasmed.

And if you are really so uspet about not being able to make your gf orgasm and think that that is all there is to a satisfying and stimulating sexual relationship, maybe you aren't as ready for sex as you think.

You might also like to read through some of the articles we have here.

Orgasm and Sexual Resposne

Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 05-22-2001).]


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Siren
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Telling you that it shouldn't matter, isn't useless advice. It shouldn't matter, but sometimes, it does.

And my boyfriend and I had the same problem. He felt really bad because I never orgasmed, and then I'd feel bad. But instead of letting it get to us, we tried different things, experimented, and most importantly we talked to eachother a lot. And now I am able to orgasm. When I did, I was mostly happy that our communication played a big part of it. And orgasming was never the most important thing, being close and enjoying eachother was.

My advice is to just talk to your girlfriend. We can't give you techniques on what to do, but you can talk to eachother and find out what works best. Hope I was able to help.

And make sure to read the articles Lin showed you.

------------------
Lil Siren
-Scarleteen Advocate
"Those are some BIG ice cubes...."


Posts: 190 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
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I reread my post and perhaps I was not concise enough. Allow me to expand on what I said earlier.

I read both those articles, several times, prior to making that post. I didn't ask for, don't want, and don't need (it would be useless to me, as scarleteen puts it) advice on technique. We do comunicate. I've worn myself out pysically, mentally, and emotionally trying to pleasure her and I'm just frustrated. We usually have tons of fun, but sometimes, especially when it's over quickly (sometimes I get distracted and forget to think about her, that's normal right? sex can be very discracting...), she gets frustrated. Also, on a personal, self-serving level, I really enjoy feeling, hearing, seeing... experiencing... women's orgasms. I find it very interesting, as well as arousing. I've never been unable to make a woman orgasm before.

Why is it so difficult with her (an in depth biological explanation would be nice, if one exists)? I've tried EVERYTHING. I've read those articles, I do mean everything. Physical, emotional, relationship... everything. Perhaps I should just relax and keep trying?

I fully realize that the answers I'm looking for may not exist, that is why I was more seeking to be cheered up than anything else.

somewhatanonymous

P.S. Lin, I greatly appreciate the *effort* that the advocates and sexperts put into aswering questions. I just didn't want to hear the same things over and over again. I appologize for offending you.


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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I think what's happening is that you are simply getting too absorbed with making your gf orgasm.

Does she know that you are trying so hard and exhausting yourself in the process? If she does, it can be hard trying your darndest to orgasm so that you can put your bf's mind at ease.

I think you said it yourself. Relax and stop focusing on whether your gf has an orgasm or not. There are women in this world who lead very healthy sex lives without have a single orgasm. As we always advocate orgasms do not equals good sex.

Sex should not be about orgasms. Sex should be fun and by obsessing over your gf and her orgasms, you are taking all the fun out of it. Just relax, have fun and really enjoy your time with your gf.

And who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised. My bf tried his darndest to "pleasure" me and to be honest, it did nuts for me. It was just kind of annoying mainly because he did what he thought I would like. Communication took care of that.

When you start wearing yourself out because you are trying to pleasure her and help her orgasm, something is wrong. Has your gf told you specifically that she needs or wants to have an orgasm?

Yep. We do not and are unable to solve this dilemma you are in but just relax, experiment and have fun with your gf. After some time, you will probably find your sex life alot more pleasurable. Orgasms or not.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One word: spectatoring.

This is the sexological term used to describe going nuts trying to make someone else come to orgasm. And it is what is more responsible for inorgasmia than nearly any other thing there is.

So, yes: just stop trying. Enjoy yourself in whatever you are doing IN THE MOMENT for what it is. Sex is process, not product, and if you need the product that much, might be worth looking at yourself instead of her for a bit and evaluating what exactly the big deal is on your part.

But spectyatoring will almost assure it never happens regardless.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
somewhatanonymous
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Thank you, that is much closer to what I wanted. I guess I just needed to be more clear.

Like I said, it usually isn't a problem. As long I make sure that she enjoys it, which isn't all that difficult, mostly just making intercourse lasts long enough, we're both very happy. However, that isn't always the case, and I had been getting really frustrated.

I basically just needed a little reassuring, which you did quite nicely, thank you. What I really didn't want was just to be told, again, that it didn't matter because adviously it does or I woulndn't have said anything about it.

Thanks again


Posts: 141 | From: Seattle, WA, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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Oh goodness, there is actually a name for this. The things I learn at Scarleteen.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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