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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » More problems!

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Author Topic: More problems!
Member # 2775

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Hi I'm Jenny. A while ago I posted a message about me having boyfriend troubles. I was kinda in love wiv Joe, who was best friends with Tom, but things werent going too well with Joe and I kinda fancied Tom. Well Joe and me have broken up since then, but me and Tom aren't going out. I fancy him a lot, and hes told me he feels the same, BUT theres more to it.

A while ago, Tom had a little thing with Katie, one of my best friends (this was before i fell for Tom). They met up in town after school, nothing happened, then they met up the next day and she told me they got off with each other and he fingered her. She sed she really really liked him and really enjoyed it. I know its true because Tom hasnt denied it and even told me about it. Well anyway, Tom didnt take it any further, he said that they would be better as friends, it wasnt going to work. In my opinion, I just dont think he fancied her. Anyway, that was a month or 2 ago.

Last night (Friday), there was a disco. Tom came up to me, we talked for a while and after a while we got off with each other. I really enjoyed it, he was great. And he was really nice about the whole thing, hes really nice about everything and I really like him. But then he asked me out and it took me a while 2 give my answer, I could see he was kinda gettin a bit worried and anxious. Well I said yeah and we hugged and then both went back to our friends for a while. But about 5 mins later, I went up2 him again and I told him that it wouldnt be a good idea and that we should just stay friends for now. I think he was a bit upset about this but obviously hiding it.

So all that happened last nite. Then just recently, we were talking on MSN Messenger as we often do. We were talking about the whole thing, and I could tell that Tom was gettin really really annoyed and upset about the whole thing. But I gave him my reasons for not goin out wiv him:

1- My friend Katie still has HUGE crush on him AND shes told me that she gets REALLY depressed and does this self harm thing, which is not good and goin out wiv Tom wouldnt make it any better.

2- Iv just broken up with his best friend Joe.

3- It probably ruin the friendship. He had excuses for all of these and I saw his points.

I'm findin this really hard. I really really fancy Tom, hes good looking, sweet, hes clever, funny, lovely to talk to you etc. And hes told me that he really likes me and would definitely go out with me. Hes perfect, I'd love to go out with him. But there's those 3 big reasons standin in the way! I know that you're all going to say the same thing- Do what YOU think is right! But I don't know what to do!!!!!! I'm soooooooo confused, what do I do? Do I not go out wiv Tom and risk losing a really good friendship with him?(i get the feelin he doesnt want 2 talk 2 me much more) Or do I go out wiv him and risk losin a good friend (katie), and eventually losing the friendship? (wen we eventually break up)

PLEASE HELP ME! I'm struggling to concentrate on other things, this is taking over my life and I need to sort it out!!!

Thank you for readin my incredibly long story!!!!!!!!


[This message has been edited by Stalemate (edited 04-21-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Stalemate (edited 04-22-2001).]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3349

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Well, I don't really kno what to say. I've never been in this position and don't know anyone who has, so I have no personal expericne to go to. I think that it's great of you for being so conciencious of your friends' feelings in this situation, you obviously care a great deal about them and their happiness. I guess you just need to choose who you care about more--Katie or Tom (whose friendship is more important to you, etc). As soon as you develope that, it should be easier for you to decide what to do. Beyond that, you're on your own... I don't really know what to do. Good luck, though, I'm sure you'll make a decision you'll be happy with.

It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be...

Posts: 120 | From: california...well, at least it sounds cool. | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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Okay. Tough situation you have your hands there sweetie.

What I feel is that you should just be friends with Tom for the time being. Firstly, you have just come out of a relationship and it might do you good to have some time for yourself. Secondly, I think if Tom isn't interested in Katie, he should take some time to break it to her gently.

If after some time has passed and the both of you still feel very strongly about each other, go on a few dates and see how things go. If at that point of time Katie still likes Tom, talk to her and explain to her how you feel about him as well.

I understand she is your friend and you love her but you cannot look out for her forever. If she is self-mutilating, she should seek help. Having you shield her from pain and misery to prevent her from hurting herself is not the way hon. Perhaps ask her to talk to her parents about her self-mutilating tendencies and see if she can find a counsellor to talk to. If she is reluctant to tell her parents, maybe find a close family friend or teacher she can confide in. There are more ways of helping her than protecting her endlessly.

Whether or not you ruin the friendship is something that you will not know for sure. It you really like him, give it a shot. You should know if you are only cut out to be friends after some time. And if you feel that it would be better to remain friends, then have a talk with him and explain things to him. Break ups are never easy but there is no hard and fast rule that says that they have to be painful and angry. If the both of you can deal with your relationship in a matured manner, things won't turn out that bad.

Gd luck hon. Hope this has helped.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 742

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First, have Tom straighten his **** out with Katie.
Second, discuss your interest in Tom with Katie. If she's okay with you dating him, go for it. If not, you've got a decision to make, based mostly on how much you value your friendship with her.

Posts: 82 | From: Colorado, US | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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