I am neutral on this...I think they SHOULD be all fun. Since when did it become required for relationships to be "stressful"? Why are "relationship" and "fun" never used in the same sentence? If you really like the other person shouldn't any of the "work" involved not bother you? I swear by the saying: "If you like what you're doing you'll never work a day in your entire life." applies to both jobs and relationships I think.
--chuck-- "When i look in the mirror/ i can't believe what i see/ tell me who's that funky dude/staring back at me." --Weezer; The Good Life
[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 10-21-2002).]
i agree that they should be fun. i wouldn't get into one thinking "i'm going to get into a lot of fights with this guy" that's just rediculous. i do agree with that quote too, the "never work a day in your..." yeah that one! haha
------------------ " Life move pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller
I actually think that you are comparing apples and oranges, when I think about it... Relationships are definitely fun, but it does take some work on both parts for them to succeed for the long haul. Not a lot....but some is needed.
I think it should be fun, but not all the time. If all you ever do is have fun, chances are it's a pretty superficial relationship.
Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000
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But what I feel is that the work should not feel like work. Once you feel that you are putting in a huge sacrifice to make this relationship work or you resent working to make this relationship better, it is better to leave the relationship.
Everything takes work. Nothing comes for free. Nothing drops from the sky. I enjoy the work I put in for all my relationships. With my bf, my friends, my family etc. Because I love seeing how the work I put in grows into something so beautiful. How it strengthens my relationship.
I agree that if a person is in a relationship they should be having fun. At the same time everyone's definition of fun is different and it's not likely that partners will have the exact same definition of fun.
Having fun is important and if you aren't having any fun in your realtionship then you probably shouldn't be in it. But relationships do require work because they're also about taking into consideration the feelings, likes, and dislikes of another person.
------------------ Smile, though your heart is breaking....
The two of us have very wide-ranging senses of humor, and can find something to laugh about in a lot of things. And everything just seems funnier and lighter when we are together!
But the thing is that we've been together for a long time now, and disagreements happen, and feelings get hurt just because in the long-term that is bound to happen. And at that point "Why can't we just have fun" doesn't really work. You have to expend some energy and effort into keeping one another happy in the relationship, i.e. talking often about "serious" things so that you both are on the same page and so that you know you agree, or, if a disagreement comes up, then addressing it and working through it.
Discussing issues like abortion, capital punishment, or whatever, with my boyfriend can be fun for me, too, because I like a serious conversation now and again -- for me, good discussion can be a LOT of fun, and most of all, it reminds me of how much I love him because we believe the same things or because we can agree to disagree on things and rehash issues together without getting upset at one another. And that's a REALLY good thing to practice in a relationship.
Another thing is that we live together and have to confront practical things like money, bills, etc... so not everything can be fun. Tax time wasn't fun!
We consider ourselves "in it for the long haul," so we know that things like that are going to come up and that there are going to be some tough moments. You can't agree on everything with your SO because if you did you wouldn't be individual and unique. So there are going to be disagreements and some are big ones. Working through them can show a lot of commitment and love... It's really easy to say "Well, we aren't having fun now so I'm mad at you" and not want to work through them, but then it won't work out when those disagreements happen.
So it's cool to want to have fun -- and I do -- but there's stuff you need to do along the way to make sure you can keep having fun.
Relationships should be fun, of course, but no long term relationship will be devoid of hardship. It comes with the territory.
My partner and i have been together for five years. We have a wonderful time together; he's my best friend, my confidant, my lover - all good things rolled into one. However, over the span of last year, he had to have three surgeries, we had to put our 15 year old cat to sleep, and his mother passed away unexpectedly. It was the worst year of our lives, to be sure. We had a hard time dealing with our depression, let alone nurturing our relationship. It was definitely our most difficult time as a couple.
But, you know what? life isn't all wine and roses. You will have joy, but you will have more than your share of pain, as well. If I wasn't 100% committed to him, as well as being desperately in love with, there's no way we would still be together, because we had 12 months of very rough times. But, pain passes, and happiness and pain ebb and flow throughout all the years of your life. Relationships aren't all fun, but i guarantee you'll learn more about yourself and your partner from the hard times. It adds layers of depth to your intimacy.
In my opinion, no long term relationship that you regard as serious can only be “fun”. It just can’t. And it doesn’t have to, in my opinion anyway, as no one but me, not my partner and not my relationship either, is responsible for always making my life “fun”. Expecting something as complex as a relationship with another human being to be only “fun” is oversimplifying. Would be pretty one-dimensional, too, eh?
My relationship with my guy is a good one though. We have to work on lots of things, because it simply is a difficult situation that we’re in (16.409 km) and because we’re two strong minded people. We have to work on communicating, we have to work on expectations, we have to plan a future together (because that’s what we want). But is it less “fun” because we have to work on being together and having a good relationship? Nope. No way. I just wouldn’t want to call it “fun”. We’re together because we love each other, because we *work* together, because there is something unique between us, because we simply *fit*. And the fact it’s not always easy peasy and that we need to “work” to make things work and because that sometimes gets pretty uncomfortable, doesn’t make my relationship any less “good”. In fact, we have managed to get through quite a few uncomfy things together and know we can do it, so that makes life a lot more comfy these days. I am sure he won’t disappear because I’m depressed or overworked and hence can’t make his life “fun”.
Don’t get me wrong, my relationship makes me happy. But that’s a difference to “fun”. Maybe it’s just because I dislike the word “fun” because that for me suggests some sort of brainlessness. If I want “fun”, I watch a silly movie or read a silly book or jump around with my friends (or my guy). But happiness runs deeper than fun in my opinion. I feel at home with him, we can laugh together and do things we enjoy and argue and know it won’t do any harm because we can agree to disagree, because our minds work alike....and all that, is for me, worth a lot more than anything else.
[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 04-21-2001).]
I think any relationship I am in has to be fun. I have had serious AND stressful relationships in my (almost) 19 years of life and I think that just because it is fun doesn't mean it is brainless; every relationship is unique. I don't want to enrage anyone, but why sustain a Long Distance Relationship? It seems more practical to remain best friends and save yourself the heartbreak. Existing on a few visits a year, hundreds of dollars of phone bills and mountains of stress doesn't sound enjoyable to me. I think everyone would be better off to accept that there are other fish in the sea and go fishing. However, like I said, every relationship is unique. Please don't flame me.
Thank you for reading my rants, no worries --chuck--
The assumption you're making is that for everyone having a full-time local partner is the ideal.
And that simply isn't the case. Not only in any long-term relationship may one or both of you go somewhere else for a while, that isn't neccessarily a bad thing.
In fact, I'd actually venture to say that now and then having an extended distance made those partnerships in which that was the case for me far better than others in which that never happened.
And as well, for some folks, an eavry-day-in-your-face relationship isn't a good fit for them. Too, when relationships are a part of your life, rather than ALL of your life, you're going to have separations from time to time. being with someone doesn't necessarily mean being with them solely in the physical.
Relationships come in lots of shapes, sizes and flavors. And what we think may be bad for us may be just fine for someone else.
I think relationships take work, that's my personal opinion. Does that mean I never have fun in a relationship? No. Does it mean that I don't think relationships should be fun? No. It just means that I take my relationships seriously and I realize that things can't be perfect "all the time". It's impossible really.
I do understand what you're saying by the work involved shouldn't bother you if you love the person, yeah, I agree with that sort of. I don't agree because sometimes times are hard, something comes up, something bad, something stressful, and your relationship gets stressed. That's when you have to work through it because you love the person and want to be with them. You don't want to leave just because it stopped being "fun". And when you make it through something like that you learn and grow, which is another important part of being in a relationship.
Being in love and in a relationship is so much more than just fun. It's about working together, helping eachother, comforting eachother, and knowing that that person will always be there even when the tough times come around. To me, that's more fulfilling than just having fun all the time.
I think that everybody has a different idea of what makes a good relationship. I'm in the same space as you--I think that they should simply be fun and enjoyable and there should be no stress recquired. Of course, it never happens like that, because it's really rare that two people agree so well. And even when they do agree, there are always complications. Our relationships with people are what life is about, they really effect our happiness and how we act and how we feel. If they were all just "fun", then of course we would all be always happy...but wouldn't it get boring? Sometimes, friction is good. It challenges us and keeps us thinking. Sometimes I feel like I hate having a boyfriend, because I don't like being in serious relationships with all that stress, I just like to date and have fun. But then if you get into a relationship like that that really works, that still has the stress but that is so full of other emotions too, it evens out, and it's actually more fun than one that is simply the same all the time. In order ot be really close to somebody, it won't always be fun. Sometimes it will suck. but that's the way it works. I like the relationship I'm in now, it's very much fun and my boyfriend and I are completely relaxed about everything--none of that "i love you" stuff. We just like eachother and we like being together. This is how I like it, at least for now. But I think that eventually it will be nice to get close, too. I'd get bored with all the niceness.
------------------ It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be...
Posts: 120 | From: california...well, at least it sounds cool. | Registered: Apr 2001
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