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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » love!

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Author Topic: love!
Member # 3358

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I have had a boyfriend for 3 years, and I met a guy about 3 years ago also. I talk to this guy all the time on the computer and the other day he said that he had such a crush on me when he met me. Well anyway I love my boyfriend but I this about this other guy all the time. This guy lives about 3 hours away so I know we could never have a relationship, but I can't get him out of my head. Anytime I try he calls or talks to me. Also he has a girlfriend. Help me please!
Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 1896

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Honey, are you happy in your relationship? I just wonder why this other guy manages to get you so confused....Is it all the great attention you're getting? It sure is nice to hear that someone has a crush on you, flattering and all, but how come he manages to fuss you up so much? Plus I wonder about the motives of the guy if he already has a relationship. I really have no idea as to what kind of advice I could give you, because I have no idea what you seem to want.

Hope you don't mind me moving this to
relationships, so that you get a range of opinions on this.

[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 04-18-2001).]

Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3478

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Ok, so you think you like the other guy. The question will it work out? No, because of the distance. You have been with this other guy for three years, does he make you happy. Do you see a future, if you answer yes, stay with him, if he doesn't then let him go and find another guy.
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Member # 742

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This is one of those situations where you can't really give advice. Only thing to be said is that whatever decision you make, you will learn something.
Posts: 82 | From: Colorado, US | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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Okay, don't like the sound of him telling you he likes you when he has a girlfriend.

But, think about what you want. Do you think you like this guy? Or do you think dep inside, you just don't want a relationship and he happens to be a great distraction.

If you like this guy, why? Do you still want a relationship? Why?

Think about all this first sweetie and when you have figured out what you want, we can move from there.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2254

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Note: Strong personal opinions to follow. YMMV.
Hmm. Unlike some other repliers, I don't think this fellow is creepy or that his motives should be questioned just because he told cheerleader he's got a crush on her and he has another girlfriend. Maybe he's just being *honest*. You can't help who you're attracted to or who you fall in love with, and when it happens, you need to be honest with yourself and you should be honest with everyone involved. THEN you decide what to do next.

Cheerleader, do you have a crush on this guy too, or not? Either way, talk to your boyfriend about it. If you've been together for three years, that's a discussion you can probably handle. Encourage 'other guy' to talk to his girlfriend. Then everyone knows what's going on. Keep it honest.

Once that's out of the way, you all have some decisions to make. You say you love your boyfriend, and presumably are happy with him, and other guy is far away, and presumably he loves his girlfriend. Now really, the obvious choice here is to decide to have a platonic relationship with other guy. Keep being friends. Keep your current happy relationships. Outline the limits of your relationship with other guy. If you two are really attracted to each other, limits might even mean limiting the amount of time you spend together, to keep things less frustrating (you say you can't get him out of your head 'cause you talk to him all the time).

Now, that's not the only choice. You and other guy could both choose to break off your current relationships, and hook up with each other. Messy, painful, hurtful, difficult, but if it's what you really want, then decide, and try to do it as honestly and gracefully as possible. These things happen. People grow and change and meet new growing and changing people, especially so when they're young.

Finally, with the consent of one or both of your current partners, you could venture into that harrowing realm of polyamory--honest multiple romantic relationships. I have three close friends in happy, fairly long-term polyamorous relationships--it CAN work. But it's not easy, it's not right for many people, and it's not at all accepted by our culture. With two people, you have ONE relationship to deal with. With three people, you have FOUR: A-B, B-C, C-A, and group. So that's a difficult option, but it IS a real option.
Now there are a couple other things you could do. You could not make any decisions and kind of ignore the situation, or wait-and-see-what happens. While this is very easy to do, and may or may not work out well, it's risky, and it's disempowering. Whateven happens, you'll probably feel better about it if it happens because you chose it, rather than just happening to you.

You could also choose to cheat on your current partners (it might "just happen"). This is another way of trying to avoid clear decisions. It's a really bad idea. It's cruel, it's dangerous, it's unnecessary, it's irresponsible. You'll feel bad about it. It will catch up to you eventually, and you'll lose everything. You can't have a good relationship without a foundation of honesty and trust.


Take home message: Be honest with yourself. Then talk to your boyfriend. Talk to guy #2. Have guy #2 talk to his girlfriend. If that doesn't settle it, talk to guy #2's girlfriend and have guy #2 talk to your boyfriend. And all of this talking needs to contain clear and honest decision making and limit setting.

Posts: 257 | From: Sarasota, FL | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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